5/31/03  11:39 pm

     Aren't I convincing?  Aren't I just fucking believable?   I sat there, blinking stupidly over my half-eaten cheeseburger, and made you think I had nothing but tumbleweeds rolling around in my head -- that my emotional psyche was so untouched that it was gathering dust -- and you fucking believed me.  I'm that damn good.
     Because you know what?  I'm not okay.  I'm not as much of an emotional "guy" as we both assumed.  And yet I drove you home, dropped you off, drove to my aunt's, and gave her a convincing lie as to why I was late, all the while with a straight face.  Then I walked to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt to see those red marks on my skin that I'd grown so accustomed too.  Little trophies, I suppose... only now they looked ugly, purple and bruised and surrounded by angry teethmarks, and I suddenly felt so UTTERLY STUPID that I started to cry, just like I'm doing as I write this.  I fought it the whole way, covering my face with my hands as I told myself I was a stupid, stupid girl.  (That's still the reigning sentiment, of course.)
     You know what?  You always call me a whore.  You constantly poke fun at me with that little word, all joking and ha-fucking-HA, but you know what?  That's what I feel like right now.  A stupid, filthy, $2-an-hour WHORE.  Except whores do it for the money.  I made you think I was doing it for the action... and you believed me there, too.  (Everyone believes... the whole damn world is so FUCKING gullible...)  I was doing it to be closer to you, to be with you, to have fun with you.  And you... You wanted to end it because you want magic.  You know what?  There's no such thing as magic.  It doesn't fucking EXIST.  I stopped believing in that along with Santa Claus and love at first sight.
     Love... it's only love... but love should make us strong...
     God, I feel so fucking STUPID.  A sexbuddy relationship shouldn't mean this much to me, but it's all I had.  You said you wanted me to find somebody and be happy.
     I found you, and I was.
     But you want long walks on the beach and handholding.  I don't.  I want someone who's my best friend and understands me and likes to fool around.  I don't need any of that emotional crap right now.  That's why this worked so perfectly... but NO, you're a fucking WOMAN, so you couldn't just leave well enough alone.
     FINE THEN.  Go find your fucking magic.  (Good luck with THAT one, bucko.)  As for me?  It's three past midnight and I'm tired and I've hit that scary numb place where I can't even cry anymore.  But everything's fine.  I'm all right, it only hurts when I breathe.
     I'm a stupid, stupid girl.
     I just want --
     FUCK IT.
     I'm going to bed.

6/01/03  12:05 am