B A T T L E R O C K S

A parody of merchandise tie in children's anime

By Rem

There is a bizarre reasoning behind this parody.

Rem (after watching Beyblades)

What is it with the Japanese? Give them any simple product, and they can design a merchandising anime to go with it, in which said object has mythical powers and turns a normal kid into some kind of champion. How unexpected *sarcasm*

Elani

I bet they could merchandise a lump of Rock if they tried...heheheh.

Character info

Kain: short with outlandish spiky green hair. Dressed in normal school uniform for most of episode. (Think fusion of Ash/Ty/Ikki/Yugi Moto/Genki, but with green hair)

Mom: Typical anime mother. Dressed in brown dress, with a white apron.

Edward: Tall wears a trench coat over school uniform. Good looking in a badly drawn 2D Bad boy kind of way. (Think fusion of Seto Kaiba and Gary from Pokémon)

Gavin: Very geeky looking (think Melvin from sailor moon)

Battle Rock Logo: red circle, with ‘battle Rock, gotta buy them all, written in the centre’

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E P I S O D E 1: WE WILL ROCK YOU!

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[Establishing shot] An untidy bedroom. Then a close up of Kain sleeping, at the same time he is dribbling from the corners of his mouth, and is doing the ’blow bubble out of nose to indicate sleep’ thing.

Camera zooms in on alarm clock, the digital face changes from 7.29 to 7.30. The alarm sounds.

Kain

Argh!

[He wakes up and almost falls out of bed]

Kain

To early...[yawns]...just a few more minutes

[Kain switches of alarm, then crawls back into bed]

Kain’s Mom

[Shouting from off screen] Time to get up honey!

[Kain doesn’t respond, his Mom shouts louder]

Kain’s Mom

I said time to get up...don’t make me get the water bucket.

[Silence]

Oh well, I did warn you

[Shot of Kain’s Mom tipping water bucket over him]

Kain

Hey! Wha’ you do that for Mom? I only wanted to sleep a few more minutes.

Mom

But you’ll be late for your first day at your new school. You don’t want to be late, especially since you seemed really excited yesterday about showing all the kids that full set of Clonémon cards you just bought.

Kain

Argh...How could I forget!!

[Jumps out of bed, and runs out of the room. Mom shakes her head]

[Succession of short clips of Kain running around the house trying to get ready for school. Kain brushing his teeth and gargling, Kain grabbing his school uniform out of his wardrobe. Kain hurrying to much and falling down stairs...]

[Kain runs into kitchen and starts jogging on the spot]

Kain

Mom. Mom. Breakfast. Breakfast.

[Mom shoves a slice of toast into Kains mouth]

Kain

Thank you [sounds weird, as he has toast in his mouth]

Mom

You aren’t going to school dressed like that, are you?

[Shot showing how Kain is dressed. He is only wearing one shoe, and has his underpants over his trousers]

Kain

Argh! [Spits out toast]

----

Battle Rock logo appears on screen]

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[Establishing shot. Stereotypical Japanese's street, cherry trees etc.]

Kain

Argh! I'm gonna be late, I’m gonna be late, I’m...

[In his hurry, Kain fails to notice a mysterious old man sitting at the side of the road, and promptly trips over him]

Mysterious Man

Darn kids...Always rushing about...rushing...rushing. No time for anything. In my day we didn’t rush, we...

Kain

[Stands up and brushes the dirt off his trousers] Sorry old Dude,

Mysterious Man

So you should be, Kid. Now take a deep breath and tell me what all this hurry-scurry is about.

Kain

I gotta get to my new school on time AND impress the cool kids with my brand new, complete, special edition, shiny, Clonémon card deck!

Mysterious Man

Clonémon, Bah. What so special about them cards, sunny? I’ll tell ya, Nothing!

Kain

Oh yeah?

Mysterious Man

Yeah. And guess what, I have something here that will make your head spin, something much better than a thousand packs of Clonémon cards.

Kain

Yeah right old man. Nothing beats the awesome might of Clonémon.

Mysterious Man

Don’t be to sure, kid. I got me a fancy new battle rock!

[Pulls an ordinary looking pebble from his coat pocket, it has googly eyes stuck on it with glue]

Kain

You got to be kidding me.

Mysterious

I ain’t. This is a special rock.

Kain

HA ha

Mysterious

Soon I’ll be the one laughing, Kid. You’ll realise how awesome this rock is, and come crawling back to me.

Kain

Like that will ever happen. [Runs off] Catch ya later old dude

----

Battle Rock Logo

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[Establishing shot. Schoolyard, students milling about before school starts]

Kain

[Sounds out of breath] Hey, I made it with time to spare.

[Kain looks around and sees a gang of cheer leaders]

Cheerleaders

Edward! Edward! He’s our Man,

If he can’t rock them...

No one can!!!

Edward! Edward! He’s...

Kain

What's going on here? [Looks confused]

Cheerleader 1

Edward’s finally here!

Cheerleader 2

He’s the school champion!

Kain

The schools Clonémon champion. Wow, I can’t wait to test out my skills against him

Cheerleader 1

Clonémon? Who said anything about Clonémon? Ha ha

Kain

Wha!?

Cheerleader 2

Clonémon sucks. I can’t believe you like it. Ha ha

All Cheerleaders

New kid is a dork

New Kid is a dork

Kain

Oh man! This is so unfair!

[Shot changes, shows a limousine parked outside school gates. Edward gets out of car, looking incredibly cool]

[Cheerleaders sigh; Edward walks right past them. His coat brushes cheerleader 2]

Cheerleader 2

Mmmm Edward [she swoons]

[School bell rings, students go to class]

----

Battle Rocks Logo

Message on screen: End of part 1

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A D V E R T B R E A K

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Kid 1

I got a pebble!

Kid 2

I got a Boulder!

Kid 3

I got a fossil!

Voice over

Hey Kids! Heard about the latest craze, Battle Rocks. These aren’t any old rock; they have stick on googly eyes!

Kids

Wow. Cool!

Voice over

Collect them, train then, switch them, trade them and fight them.

[Shots of various ordinary looking rocks]

Voice over

There are over 400 to collect, Remember that kids, you got to get them all.

Kids + Voice over

IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T BY YOU A BATTLE ROCK, THEY DON’T LOVE YOU!

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E n d o f A d v e r t B r e a k

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Battle Rock Logo, followed by a picture showing the silhouette of a rock

V.O

Who’s that Rock!?

Silhouette vanishes, replaced by pic of a small boring rock.

Various characters voices

Its Sedimentary!

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Message on screen: Part 2

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[Establishing shot; A School corridor, Kain and Gavin walk out through a classroom doorway]

Gavin

Boy that was a fun physics lesson; don’t you agree friend Kain?

Kain

I guess

Kain [as voice over]

Oh great, first day and everyone thinks I'm a dork for liking Clonémon. The only person who even speaks to me is the class Geek.

Gavin

So did you see star trek last night?

Kain

No...

Gavin

Janeway’s so hot, if ya know what I mean, heheheh...

[Nudges Kain and winks suggestively]

Gavin

But Kirks way better...but not in a sexually attractive way, I mean in strong manly captain way.

Kain

Urgh [face faults]

Gavin

And what about 7 of 9? Beam me up hotty!!

[Gavin has nosebleed. Unfortunately he is to busy trying to stop the flow of blood, to notice where he is going, and walks into Edward, knocking him to the floor]

Edward

Argh! [Stands up look very annoyed] Who the heck did that? Well who ever it was is going to take a beating!

[Gavin backs away looking nervous]

Edward

Come on, own up. [Notices Kain] Hey you’re that new kid everyone's been laughing at, aren’t you?

Kain

Gulp

Edward

Well I bet it was you that pushed me weren’t it? Wanted to make yourself feel better than me didn’t you?

Kain

No...I...

Edward

Don’t try and talk your way out of this. I’m going to make you pay for making me look stupid. You and me. Outside after school. The Game is Battle Rocks you win, you go free. You lose; I kick the skittles out of ya.

Got that

[Edward walks away, laughing nastily]

Cheerleaders [appear out of nowhere]

Start shopping for your coffin,

‘Cause no matter what ya do

Edwards going to pulverize you!

----

Battle Rocks Logo

----

[Kain and Gavin sit on a bench in the schoolyard. Both are eating lunch]

Kain

Man this is unfair. First everyone hates me, now Edward wants to kill me; this is not my day.

Gavin

A Statistical analysis of Edwards previous Battle Rock Battles shows that he has a 99.999999999% chance of winning.

Kain

What the heck is this Battle Rock thing anyway, how am I even supposed to play it?

Gavin.

Each player has a Battle Rock

Kain

And?

Gavin

You put the Rocks in the circle of Chaos.

Kain

Which is?

Gavin

A circle someone has chalked on the floor.

Kain

Then?

Gavin

That’s it.

Kain

Ha ha. Seriously, what happens next?

Gavin

I told you already. You put the rock in the circle, then you wait. The first player to have their rock fall over is the loser.

Kain

That doesn’t seem so hard.

Gavin

There are two floors in your hypothesis. Firstly you don’t have a Battle Rock, and Secondly, even if you did, Edward has a special custom designed Battle Rock. It has Blue tack on the bottom, allowing it to cling to any surface for an almost infinite amount of time!

Kain

I'm so going to lose [sighs and sweat drops]

Kain

If only I had a Battle Rock, it might give me the slightest chance of winning and not being sent home in an ambulance after Edwards done with me...

Flashback Voice over: Mysterious Man

Don’t be to sure, kid. I got me a fancy new battle rock!

Kain

If only I had...

Flashback voice over: Mysterious Man

Battle Rock!

Battle Rock!

Battle Rock!

Kain

I’ve got it!

[Stands on top of bench and strikes a v-sign victory pose]

Gavin

You have? Got what?

Kain

I know where I can get me a Battle Rock

[Jumps off bench, and runs off screen, leaving Gavin alone]

Gavin

Well that was unpredictable.

----

Battle Rock Logo

----

[Establishing shot. Same street as seen previously, old man still sitting in same place]

[Kain runs into shot, stops near old man, and is obviously out of breath]

Kain

Hey...Old...Dude...can I Borrow your Battle Rock?

Mysterious Man

Well just as I predicted, you came crawling right back, Clonémon’s not so cool now, is it?

Kain

I’m really sorry about what I said, you were right, now give me the battle rock!

Mysterious

Okay kid, I believe ya. I’ll even give it to ya if ya like. But first you have to show me that your worthy of becoming a Battle Rock trainer, you got that?

Kain

Yeah, yeah. I’m worthy

Mysterious man

Okay then. First, will you train every day?

Kain

Yes

Mysterious Man

Good, to become a Battle Rock trainer takes time, effort, sweat and Blood. Champions aren't made over night.

Secondly, Will you ever cheat at Battle Rocks?

Kain

No, I wouldn’t dream of it

Mysterious Man

Also Correct. A Battle Rock trainer should fight with honour and from the heart, something a cheater can never do. Now you are nearly ready to receive this rock, but first there is one last thing for you to do.

Kain

Anything, Mister!

Mysterious Man

Drop your pants

Kain

Ugh, no.

Mysterious Man

Do you want the Rock or not?

[Kain sighs, then unbuckles his belt. His trousers fall to the floor]

Mysterious Man

You are willing to put your determination to succeed before personal dignity. You will make a great Battle Rock player, maybe even a champion.

[Mysterious gives Kain the Battle Rock]

Kain

Woo Who [makes victory v-sign]

Kain

Thanks Mysterious Man

[Kain then attempts to run off screen, but forgets his trousers are still around his ankles and falls over again]

Kain

Argh [sweat drops]

Mysterious

You’re not going to go like that are you? Heheh

-----

Battle Rock Logo

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[Establishing shot. The empty schoolyard. The school bell rings, students come running out of the building, cheering at the same time]

[Shot of Gavin, standing all alone]

Gavin

Where the heck’s Kain got to? If he doesn’t turn up soon, the victory will automatically be given to Edward, and when he does turn up, he’ll get the skittles beat out of him, and everyone will think he’s a coward for not turning up on time.

[Shot of Edward surrounded by admiring fans]

Cheerleaders

Go Edward Go!

Go Edward Go!

Show him who’s the best

Then beat all the rest!

Go Edward!!!

Edward

Thank you ladies. All though I don’t think there will be much chance of me battling today. The new kids both a Dork and a coward, haha!

Cheerleaders

Haha!

Edward

I bet the loser won’t even show...

Kain [voice from off screen]

Think again Edward

[Shot showing Kain standing at the school gate. everything is silent. The wind ruffles his hair, he looks incredibly cool.]

Edward

So you showed up after all. Well them Dork, lets get this over with quickly, it won’t take long to defeat you. Hehe

Kain

Don't be so sure, ‘cause I got me this [pulls out Battle Rock. There is a silence, then everyone begins to laugh, Kain sweat drops]

Edward

That Rocks Ancient.

Kain

?

Edward

That’s the old original series Pebble type, nobody uses those anymore. Not after production was halted mysteriously, several months ago, after the mysterious disappearance of everyone involved in the project!

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Battle Rock Logo

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[Establishing shot. Kain and Edward stand on either side of a circle someone has chalked on the floor. Two crosses have been marked in the circle. Onlookers surround the circle]

[Shot off Gavin pushing his way to the front of the crowd.]

Gavin

Someone has to referee this match, why not me?

Edward

Whatever, I’m not going to stop ya.

Gavin

Cool. Okay Kain, Place your Pebble on your designated starting point!

[Kain walks into the circle, and places his Pebble on one of the crosses, everyone laughs]

Gavin

And Edward.

[Edward opens his backpack and takes out a Brick, with googly stick on eyes. He places it on the other cross]

Kain

Hey that’s not fair...

Gavin

Actually, according to the official league rules...

Kain

This thing has a league!

Gavin

Didn’t you know? Anyway it says anything made out of any type of stone or rock can compete in a Battle Rock match.

Kain

Aww Nuts!

Gavin

On my mark, 3, 2, 1, Stage on!

[Shots of both boys trying to stair each other out. Followed by shots of both Rock and pebble]

Kain + Edward

Grrr...

[Close up shot of Kain’s Pebble. It begins to rock back and forth, threatening to topple over.]

Edward

Hehe, this looks easier than I thought.

[Shot illustrating Kain’s mental anguish and stress. He appears to be standing in the middle of the circle. Shadow like cheerleaders stand around him and laugh.]

Kain

No, No. This can’t be it. I have to win this. I have to do it for my honour, for my mother, for mysterious man and Gavin. I have to do it for all the baby giraffes and those kids who are always being beaten up by people like Edward. I WILL DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS! ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

[Shot of Kains Pebble, it begins to glow, surrounded by a mysterious blue aura]

Edward

No, anything but that! [Sounds terrified]

Gavin

Oh my God...It can’t be...But it is. That Pebble has the power of the Rock Force! [Takes a deep breath] A mysterious power that means no matter how bad a player Kain is, he will always have a cheep get out clause, that allows him to win each and every battle, in an increasingly repetitive and boring fashion!

[Shot. Edwards Brick begins to wobble. Then it falls over. Then it shatters into a million tiny pieces. The actual moment is captured again and again, from several camera angles, while a cool sound effect plays.]

Kain

Wow! I did it, I really did it!

Gavin

Cool, the odds were 45782 against you winning. Hmm I’d better go cancel that ambulance!

Edward

No No No [begins to cry, sinks to the floor, clasping the remains of his brick]

Edward

Cheerleaders, you still love me, don't you?

All Cheerleaders

No, you suck

New Kid Rocks

Tra la la la ha ha he!

Edward.

You Bastard, you stole my Cheerleaders! I’ll get you for this! [Shakes fist in anger]

Kain

So looks like this day wasn’t so bad after all, haha

[Everyone laughs except Edward]

Edward

But I paid for those Cheerleaders...

----

Battle Rocks Logo

----

[Establishing shot. A mysterious cloaked figure stands in the shadows, and appears to be talking to some one using a video screen]

Cloaked Person

Master, I have located one of the mysterious Rocks empowered with the mysterious Rock Force!

Master

Good work. That will surely further our Evil scheme. Now put on an obviously fake disguise and attempt to take the Rock.

Cloaked Person.

Yes master...But what is this mysterious Evil scheme?

Master

We will collect all the super powered rocks. And when we have them all, we will throw them through the windows of various government buildings. We will then go undercover as a window replacement company; to allow us entry into said buildings on the pretext of fixing windows. Once inside we will strike, take over the government building, then the government and then the world. Hahahahha!

Cloaked Person

As you wish...

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Message on screen: To be continued!

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Following Show

Network announcement

Unfortunately, because of low ratings, stupid ideas and general lameness of the show. Battle Rocks has been cancelled. It will be replaced by reruns of Clonémon, starting tomorrow. That is all

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Authors note

I am not proud.

2nd Authors note

Any spelling or grammar mistakes are not my fault. Let’s just say it was a bad dub.