Or

Princess Ann was the most Proper Princess that you could ever meet. She was extremely average in every way. Now I don’t mean average, as in the average Princess who finds herself the heroin of a wish fulfilment cliche of a fantasy story? The average Princess of those stories often turns out to be feminist warrior Babes.

I mean she was average in such away as that she didn’t stand out from the crowd. She was neither bad nor good at anything, neither ugly nor beautiful, not sweet or sour.

Just Average.

Now on the day this story takes place, Ann was sitting near the window of her chamber, whilst happily sewing a delightful tapestry to donate to the old peoples home. Oh how she loved charity work, it made her feel so humble for what she had.

As she sewed, she could hear angry shouts coming from the next room. It was her stunningly beautiful man-magnet of a sister Mary-Sue, arguing with their Father.

“ You will marry Prince Randle of the Mountain Kingdom!” Stormed the King “ it is your duty as my daughter to marry who I say!”

“No, Father” Mary-Sue said sternly, “I have being reading books of Feminist literature, and those books have taught me that I don't have to marry whom I’m told to”

“What!” Exclaimed the King, starting to turn purple with rage

“And, I may not marry at all” Mary-Sue continued “ as Feminists say, A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle”

Next Ann heard the sound of her father yelling some very naughty and unkindly words at her sister, who responded, with some even worse profanities.

Yuck, they need to wash there mouths out with soapy water, thought Ann shaking her head in disgrace, how in the world could they have learned such filthy and gross words.

Ann went back to her sewing and mused on the husband her Father had picked out for her. Prince Felix of the Swamp kingdom. Felix will turn out to be a most handsome young man, she decided, well he will as soon as his boils clear up. And the Swamp king wasn’t so bad, once you had grown accustomed to the foul stench of the place.

Mary-Sue is so much more lucky than I am, her betrothed is heir too much larger (and pleasant smelling) kingdom, and hardly ever suffers from boils. Oh well, as long as my Father is happy with the arrangement, I’m happy too!

Suddenly, Ann heard a strange tapping sound. She looked around to investigate, and noticed that some unruly miscreant was throwing pebbles at the window of her chamber. She was most annoyed about this, willingly trying to damage crown property was treason, and didn’t they know that?

Ann flung open the window and called out “ What ho, villain! I demand you halt your wilful and unlawful damaging of crown property, ’tis a great misdemeanour. You will be punished for treason, if you do not desist post-haste”

“ Princess!” A ruggedly handsome man, called from the garden “ I have came to take you away from the drudgery and oppression that is your life. Run away with me and join my band of Outlaws”

“ Sirrah, you are mistaken, I am most content being a Princess” Ann replied. “Now will you please quit this hopeless venture, I will not an outlaw be!”

But the man would not be swayed “ you are obviously pray to some cruel witchcraft, which has confused your senses of reality, please reconsider”

“No, No and many more times No. However your suit may not yet prove to be a waste of vital resources, my sister Mary-sue, she who is beautiful as the day, and wild as an untameable stallion, will surely accept your offer, shall I call her?”

“ I will not be put off” cried out the handsome man, as he began to climb up the vines to reach the window to Ann’s chamber.

“Sir, this is most irregular, I think I may call the guards to end this foolhardiness!”

But before she could, the man grabbed hold of her, and used a potion made of sleeping weed to send Ann into a deep slumber, and then promptly abducted her.

When an awoke, she found herself in a stinking and damp gave, lying on a bed of tattered furs.

“ I feel most wretched” Ann commented “ Oh, what unpleasant occurrence has befallen me?”

Ann looked around, she discovered a bowel of cold water which she was expected to wash in, and a pile of clothes which had been put out for her to wear. She washed and dressed, then tried to find her way out of the cave.

Ann walked out of the cave into a rag-tag campsite. She spied her abductor sitting by the fire, surrounded by a bunch of scruffy, smelly, rude and rough looking outlaws.

“ Sir! I demand you take me home at once, I am having a most unpleasant experience, and wish that it would be over right now!”

The abductor stood up, looking even more roguishly handsome in the firelight.

“Princess” He said “you should be happy, I have saved you from the horror of marriage, tapestry and wearing ill-fitting and uncomfortable clothing, which you a forced to were only for the gratification of men”

Ann looked down at the outfit she had just but on, it comprised of a short leather skirt, a furry bikini style top and knee high, fur trimmed, high healed boots.

“Humph. I find these vestments to be most unnatural, oddly fitting and allowing an unpleasant breeze to places I wish was absent of breezes”

“Well then, you had better come and sit by the fire, Princess” Said the abductor.

Ann obliged; she was rather chilly after all.

“Let me introduce myself” said the abductor “ My name is Oswald the Wild leader of the finest band of Outlaws, this side of the Swamp kingdom. But we lacked on thing, a beautiful heroic warrior babe, which is why I had to abduct you”

“ As previously stated, I do not wish to live as an Outlaw!”

“ And as I previously stated, you are now free of a life of tapestry and etiquette” Replied Oswald

“ In truth, I actually Find etiquette quiet exciting, and enjoy the creative freedom, which I can only find through sewing” Ann said, finding it increasingly difficult to be polite.

As Ann was speaking, she heard a sound; it was a slurp slurp noise. Horror of horrors, someone was

slurping soup! She pulled a face, if there was one thing she couldn’t stand, it was people who didn’t know the rules of etiquette.

The sound continued, again and again, getting louder and louder. All the while, Ann was growing more and more angry. How dare someone slurp in the presence of a future monarch! how Rude!

Slurp slurp!

slurp Slurp!

burp, Slurp!

That was it! Something inside Ann snapped, and she couldn’t the sound any longer.

“You there” she called, pointing at the toughest looking Outlaw “ didn’t thy Mother teach you it was most impolite to slurp soup like that, and even more so to do so in public”

“Err...” the Outlaw scratched his head, and looked dopey

“The proper manner in which to drink soup is like this” Ann picked up a spoon, raised it to her lips, and gracefully drank the soup from it.

“Now thou all drink like this, or I shall smite thou with this cooking knife I just found!" Ann felt a surge of assertion flow through herself, she stood up, one hand on her hip, the other clutching the cooking knife. The outlaws didn’t want to argue with her, several began drinking the soup in an elegant upper-class manner.

“And Whilst thou art at it, I want to see people sticking out there pinkie fingers while quaffing, as is the proper thing to do!" The Outlaws began to Quaff more politely.

“Stop this insanity Princess” Yelled Oswald, leaping to his feet “ you will only end up replicating the very power structure that oppressed you in the first place!”

“Sir Oswald, what is the matter with thy shirt, the stitching is a disgrace to the seamstress

Who sewed the garment!”

“Well actually I sewed it” Said Oswald, sounding sheepish.

“Zounds!” Exclaimed Ann “Fetch me a workbasket, I must teach you all the correct manner in which to sew!”

A short while later, Oswald looked at his band of Outlaws and realised something. What had once been the fiercest, most evil Outlaws in the kingdom had been transformed into a bunch of Maidens! They drank soup and ale in an elegant manner, they were sewing patches on garments, using tiny delicate stitches, and some had even sunk so low as copying Ann’s turn of phrase, slipping in the occasional thou, thy and art!

Maybe I don't need a warrior babe after all, he considered. Something had to be done, and he knew just what. All he had to do, was wait until everyone was asleep and then sneak away from camp...

The next morning everyone awoke to the sound of the Royal Guards invaded the camp, led surprisingly by, Oswald.

“There’s your Princess, over there!” He shouted, pointing in Ann’s General direction “Take her away, please” he added desperately”

“I am most glad to leave” Said Ann “Goodbye all thou Outlaws, Please continue with your etiquette lessons, and you shall be gentlemen yet!” And with that, Ann was led away from the Outlaw camp and back to her boringly normal life as a most proper Princess.

“I shall miss you much gracious Princess” said the former soup-slurping Outlaw, he waved, then brushed a tear from his eye.

“Just shut up” Said Oswald, before punching the man in the mouth “Let that be a lesson to you all, we are to have no more of this etiquette lessons, understand”

“Yes boss” replied the outlaws, and then they all went back to sticking out their little fingers while drinking, whenever Oswald wasn’t looking.

Epilogue

Ann was taken back to the Castle, and her father was so happy to see her, he allowed her to marry Princess Randle of the mountain Kingdom, who was much more fragrant than Felix of the Swamp Kingdom, and Ann was overjoyed when he told her.

In time Ann had several beautiful and highly intelligent children. Her introduction of compulsory etiquette lessons to all citizens of the mountain kingdom was a great success. Within Five years crime had fallen by 98% and everyone was happier and much better off economically for it.

Inspired by her sisters ‘adventure’ Mary-sue ran away from the castle to become a feminist activist. But this was the medieval period, so everyone thought she was just insane and refused to listen. She had a miserable life, died alone and was eaten by Alsatians!

The End

Note the first

I was probably making some kind of point in this story, hmm not sure what it was supposed to be though

Note the second

Factually inaccurate Olde English is fun, you should try it sometime!