AN: Chad’s turn now XD Angsting over what do to, because OMG! He’s found out about Darryl. That’s all right though. Ou can assume that I’m probably going to redo this, because I’m not ecstatic about some parts, but the over all thing is all right. Next up is Skylar, then Sully, and you can now check out the main storyline called Flawless at this very account XD So anyway, enjoy, and please review!!

If you had to choose between something that seemed so wrong that it felt right and breaking your brother’s heart, what would you do?

I have that problem, you know. And it isn’t an easy choice at all to make.

It hit me the other day. My brother’s been avoiding me, especially since my last date… And I was watching him, trying to find out what’s wrong because he’s being a stubborn bastard again and still isn’t telling me… and it hit me.

I can remember all too clearly about the exact moment. He had just glanced up and seen me, and his eyes softened before they flicked away to avoid my gaze. He turned away to escape it, and I realized, with such awe inspiring clarity, with an epiphany that was almost blinding in its absurdity and utter weirdness. The thought was, indefinitely:

Oh my God, he loves me!

Now, this may seem normal, I mean brothers are supposed to love each other, right? Brotherly love is something I’m quite all right with. Something I encourage, actually. But this…

It’s wrong. It’s so wrong, and yet I can't understand how I didn’t see it before. I always thought he put more importance on our fucks than was normal…

It hurts to see him cry. It hurts more to know that I’m the one making him cry. He shows deep emotion rarely, always has a cheerful and hot-tempered mask to show the world no matter what the situation… To know that I can reduce him to such hopelessly helpless tears is almost a physical hurt.

It especially hurts because I know I can't stop it.

It should be easy. It should be clear which way my path lies, but I am a stubborn fence sitter, and I can't choose. Not this. Too much lies on it, too much rests on which way I go.

He doesn’t know that I know. He isn’t going any further out of his way to avoid me than he was before, and I know this because I can still find him relatively easy. If he knew that I knew…

He wouldn’t be able to get far enough away from me.

At first I was angry, you know. I mean, how dare he fuck everything up? He should have known better to fall in love with me. It’s probably the stupidest thing he’s ever done.

How stupid does that make me, I wonder? Considering I didn’t see it until a few days ago.

You’d think he’d at least try to stop it.

But now… all his reactions to make sense. I would have had to be blind not to notice it before. He had all the typical reactions, you know? He was jealous, nearly always. He’d try to beat up anyone who looked at me that way. Only I could stop him. And all the moping around he’d done, including the time where he almost switched dorms…

And I still didn’t see it.

Yea, I’m pretty mad that he didn’t tell me. But I can see why he didn’t.

I’m also bloody furious with myself, because I’m his twin. I should have at least expected it.

Honestly. What a pair we’d make, huh?

I almost told him to stop it, to pull himself out of loving me, because I’m not entirely sure I can handle it. But I know that would be harder than it sounds. It always is. I bet half the people I know would choose someone different to love if they had a choice, but they can't.

Half of it is because they probably subconsciously don’t really want to stop loving their one. I mean, it’s their one! You don’t give up on love simply because the other person remains oblivious to your feelings, or because you hate that person so much sometimes. That’s natural. Another reason is that old cliché, you know the one? It’s harder to make your heart stop than it is to start.

You can’t stop love. I know that.

I also know that he’s probably tried as hard as he could to stop it. I know he did. He hasn’t given up trying yet though; he still gets furious with me more often than he did before. He’s obviously trying to stop it.

I’m not cruel enough to assume that he can.

It’s not really a choice.

How do you dam a river?

You put a stone wall there, you stop the flow… you kill the stream.

Especially considering the fact that the wall will always come out on top.

If his heart doesn’t want to stop loving me, then none of us can make it.

So I’m not terribly angry with him anymore. I’m sad about it though, because how could something like this ever turn out for the better? Society is against incest as a whole, but gay incest? Two double evils, two undeniable facts, and the world will hate us.

I’m sure he isn’t the only twin to fall in love with his other half. I might have done it myself, if I thought about it that way. And all those twin girls that are into doing threesomes with guys as a rumor, as something that turns guys on. I can't help wondering if half of those couples are in love with each other.

It’s hard, knowing someone that is a part of you, a part of your life in a way that no one else could ever hope to be is hurt.

Even worse is the fact that it’s my fault.

I should have seen it coming. I should have stopped it a long time ago.

I should never have slept with him that first time.

But would that have really stopped it?

It might have slowed it down a great deal, but I’m kinda a believer in if it’s meant to be, then it’ll happen anyway.

Since it happened, is it meant to be? Am I supposed to fall in love with him now?

I love him already, there’s no doubt about that. I’m sure I can take that extra half step and send myself lunging into love with him. But that would be like forcing emotions, wouldn’t it? If it’s forced, it’s usually not real.

That would be cruel.

But it’s crueler to leave him hanging. He’s in agony right now, I can see it every time he actually dares to catch my eyes for a fleeting moment, I know it in the way he avoids my bed now.

I knew he cried after we did it nearly every time we’ve done it. I didn’t know why. How stupid of me to assume that it was all physical pain, when he hasn’t complained of that since we were sixteen? It really does make sense now.

All the times when I’d get out of the shower and find him gone, his clothes off of the floor and the door shut tight.

I was so stupid.

He even more so.

I know he couldn't help it. I know that I’m supposed to be all sympathetic and shit, and I am, really I am. But I still wish he hadn't done it.

I wish he could have stopped it.

I wish I had seen it sooner, when it was little more than a crush.

Or maybe it was never a crush. I know he loved me, loved me like I love him. Maybe that’s all it took for him to tumble into love with me.

I never even saw it coming.

It’s wrong. It isn’t supposed to happen.

My brother’s heart is breaking, and it’s all my fault because I don’t know how to tell him I know, don’t know how to tell him that it’s all right.

Because when you get right down to it, it is all right.

It’s wrong. It’s sinful too, in the world.

But then so is being gay, if you look at it that way. So is being black in some parts of the world. So is being someone different.

Love is love, isn’t it?

He’s in love with me. I love him, probably more than I love anyone else on earth right now.

Whose to say that if I coax myself to love him, that it’s wrong? It wouldn’t be, surely. It’s just another way to love him. A way to love him the way he wants to be loved, needs to be loved.

All right, so I’m his brother. I’m not supposed to love him like that.

But who gives a shit anyway?

True, it would be a lot easier if he hadn't fallen in love with me. But he couldn't help it, I’m sure, and I’m equally sure that he is going through hell right now. If I can pull him out, like brothers are supposed to help, what would be wrong with that?

Love’s love.

And if he goes against that wall any longer, I’m sure he won't come out intact. Stone’s a lot harder than bone, you know?

He must be feeling so lonely. And it hurts, it hurts because this is something I should have seen, something I should have at least tried to stop. It shouldn’t have turned out like this. But it has. It has, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I last saw him talking with that cranky old gardener, who is convinced that he is having girl troubles. As if. If it weren’t me, it’d probably be some other guy, you know?

He just doesn’t strike me as the type to go after girls. Ever. Which, I suppose, means that he’ll never get married.

I wonder if he’ll love me the way he does forever? I suppose I could get used to it.

I suppose it isn’t such a bad thing after all.

I suppose I should go tell him I know. I won't lie to him. I won't say I love him like that until I’m beginning to feel that way in truth, but I’ll let him know it’s all right. That I don’t mind. That nothing’s going to change.

I’m probably going to have to ram that one into his head. Knowing him, he’ll be panicking before I even reach that stage of reassuring. He’ll try and walk away, or he’ll storm off with tears in his eyes, or he’ll even hit me.

He did that once, you know. He actually has a very hard punch. I had a black eye for about a fortnight. Good thing he made it up to me, or I would have stopped talking to him for a while. It happened right before school photos, you know? And there I was with this beautiful bruise covering my eye.

He claims it’s his favourite picture.

I bet it’s because it convinces him that he doesn’t take shit from me anymore.

He’ll panic when I tell him I know. He’ll babble randomly for a few minutes or seconds, and he’ll be too scared to meet my eyes.

I don’t mind. I’ll just show him I mean it.

I’m going to go all romantic and shit, and kiss him before he even realizes what I’m talking about, and I’ll tell him I don’t mind before he can even get his mind back into shape to even form an answer.

It’s exhilarating, in a way. Knowing the effect I have on him. Watching him go all dazed and dreamy eyed was – still is – one of my favourite pass times.

Knowing that only I have that effect on him…

Well, I guess falling in love with him will be easy after all.

So long as we don’t face that stone wall apart, we’ll be all right. We’re together, and we’ll shatter the stone so fast you won't even see the dust crumble.

How do you dam a river?

I’m not sure…

But I think… For him and for me…

I think we deserve each other.

It might not be right or moral…

But I’m just going to go with the flow.