Note: The following essay has nothing to do with heaven nor doors nor knocking of any kind. It is my exercising of the First Amendment. Specifically, it’s a not-so-critical analysis of the Harry Potter phenomenon that is currently sweeping the world and possibly other galaxies. Over-scrutinizing of this composition will result in massive brain failure and/or epileptic seizures. People trying to find a real point in this will be hanged. People trying to make sense of it will be shot. You have been warned.

"Wizard."

When you hear that word, what’s your first thought? Generally speaking, the average person will picture an old, bearded man clothed in multicolored robes carrying a thin black wand with a yellow star on it chanting strange words and moving their hands in arcane gestures.

"Magic."

The first picture someone might imagine of this word: mystical force, unexplained by science, that can perform mysterious feats and actions.

All right, now listen.

"Quidditch."

At this moment the legions and legions of HP addicts have pricked up their ears and begun salivating at the mere mention of anything related to HP. They have furiously begun to twitch due to the carpal tunnel syndrome that came about as a result of writing way over the RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of HP fanfics as prescribed by the Surgeon General. And some very unlucky saps, who have been in a Frankenstein-like coma for the last six years, have said to themselves, in a very Frankenstein-like way, "What the hell is this idiot talking about?!"

Allow me to explain myself, because obviously if you have not read or heard of HP yet, you are either insane or Amish. Regardless of your medical condition or ancestral heritage, there is no excuse. Even my half-blind grandparents back in the mother country know who HP is, albeit by a slightly different name.

The skinny: There’s this pale-skinned kid who likes to go around freeing snakes from the zoo and hiding cupcakes under a floor cupboard. Pretty normal, I’d say. Although what I failed to mention was that he currently resides with his uncle and aunt and their whale of a son, what’s-his-face, Dudley. So from the get-go, you are obviously meant to develop a sense of pity for this poor orphan boy with the curious looking scar on his forehead, courtesy of a "car crash". So life goes on as usual, until this kid’s tenth or eleventh birthday, I forget which one. It doesn’t matter. What does matter, however, is the fact that a letter from an undisclosed school for "special kids" has arrived for this pale-skinned kid via the mail. Being the unrelenting assholitis-infected parenting rejects they are, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon decide to prevent that pale-skinned kid from attending that previously undisclosed school for "special kids". This goes on after a while, until, on a dark and stormy night on some godforsaken shack in the middle of flavor country, Fate comes calling. I mean, if the physical manifestation of Fate was a rather large, hairy, umbrella-wielding punk-ass of a wizard named Hagrid. Hagrid immediately takes a disliking to the Dursley trio, and takes that pale-skinned kid away to that previously undisclosed school for "special kids" but not before relieving Milk Dudsley of his human buttocks and replacing them with a pig’s. Damn, you just know it’s only gonna get better after this mind-boggling opening number. Oh yeah, that pale-skinned kid with that curious looking scar? Goes by the name of Harry Potter.

So now we join Hairy Potty on his journey to that previously undisclosed school for "special kids", now presently disclosed as "Hogwarts". Notice the clever play on the word "warthogs" here. Damn, a prestigious "special" school named after a mud-caked, grub-chewing wild pig living in the forests of Borneo. If that isn’t a sign of literary talent, I don’t know what is. Anyway, Horny Pothead meets the rest of his wizarding wannabes and quickly makes some friends and enemies. Ron Weasley, that red-haired freckled-faced awkward preteen loser. Hermoine Granger (pronounced hER-moyn) resident bookworm and all-around ingratiating preppy. Draco Malfoy, slick-as-silk with hair to match, poster boy of the arrogant, detached teen generation. Severus Snape, arsehole extraordinaire and a real thorn in the side of Harpy Plotter. Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, the wizard, the man, the legend (although the last two may or may not refer to Nobuo Uematsu instead). Whats-her-face, Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and a figure to be feared, despite her five foot frame. And the rest, which are too unimportant to be named here but apparently too important to leave out of the books/movies/computer games/fanfiction/poor-quality doujinshi.

The plot is standard fantasy world fare. Boy meets friends. Boy saves friends a couple of times. Boy pisses off teachers, gets into subsequent trouble, faces incredible challenge, meets maniacal, evil guy. In the end, boy overcomes challenges with seemingly inhuman ease, defeats maniacal evil guy with seemingly inhuman ease, and emerges from conflict relatively unharmed.

This series of chance events goes on for a while until Book 4, appropriately titled Hernia Portend and the Goblet of Fire, where more and more outlandishly random situations are taking place, and more and more readers are being drawn into the world of Muggles and Quidditch, which ultimately translates to JK Rowling rolling around in large piles of money back home in Great Britain while rabid fans are literally frothing at the mouth in their frenzy to get a piece of the latest HP excitement.

"Gotta cast ‘em all!"

There hasn’t been this much excitement over a single event since Jesus decided to wake up from his 3-day nap. I am, of course, referring to HP #5 coming out sometime in June. I believe they call it Horace Printer and the Order of the Phoenix. Now obviously this is cause for great celebration for around seven-eighths of the world’s population, as their beloved HP saga picks up from where it left off, presumably. No doubt it will feature the same surprising plot twists, the same riveting action scenes, the same scintillating dialogue and the same great character development that made the first 4 books, the first 2 movies, the first trillion lines of merchandise, the first novelty Herring Pointer punching bag, and the entire HP section at so damn popular.

So now we come to the real question: What makes HP and his buddies so damn endearing?

I should probably discuss the merit of this book first. Rowling isn’t as good a writer as say, Dickens. HP’s not as humorous as The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Not as entertaining as Catch-22. Not as original as Watership Down. Not as boring as Great Expectations, which currently resides on number #2 on the list of books I’d like to burn. Number #1 being Louis Pasteur: Free Lance of Science. Not as philosophical as 1984. Not as satirical as Animal Farm. And not as brain-defying great as A Song of Ice and Fire.

So why all the buzz? Why the record-breaking sales? Why all the masses of adoring fans, just counting the days until the next book hits stores, forgetting to eat and sleep and bathe in the duration?

HP is capitalism in action. And like all capitalist ideas, it started small. I’ve heard that Rowling, who used to be a teacher and aspiring writer, came up with the idea in a café of some sort and wrote it down on a napkin. She was rejected by numerous publishers, but finally struck a deal with Bloomsbury in 1997 to publish Hillbilly Peter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. 130 million copies, countless awards, 256 million British pounds, and an ever-increasing fanbase later, she now lives in a swanky mansion somewhere in England, possibly attended to by well-trained monkey butlers. HP’s not a book now. It’s a franchise. But we all knew that right?

In all seriousness, HP does have its merits. It has strange dialogue, few plot holes and contains generally, a lot of kiddie fun for the whole family. Unless your family happens to be composed of those overzealous religious nutcases who burn all books affiliated with witchcraft and magic in a large public bonfire in the middle of the night. But barring that, HP is a rather charming fairy tale-like story, with a lovable hero and his trusty sidekick defeating great evils wherever they may appear, in the end saving the known world from total annihilation.

In order to back up whatever argument I have, I have to some research. Yeah, I can’t believe it either, but there’s a first time for everything. It seems like most of the HP flak floating around in websites and Christian churches everywhere has been on the basis of the main character being a satanic, spellcasting bastard. Or stuff related to that argument. There’s heated debate between him being a homosexual nuthead, and the movies and video games sucking, and promoting immorality and anti-Christianity, and what kind of hallucinogenic drugs people must be taking to read these pieces of literary crap. HP bashing is as rampant as SARS in Hong Kong but most of the uproar’s being made by dimwitted, gap-toothed, high school dropouts with the communication skills of a goldfish, not to mention atrocious spelling/grammar. Most of it is pointless ranting, and only results in disdain for the ranter. It’s easy to say that something sucks; it’s difficult to say WHY.

There are two parts to the HP franchise: actual material, and the overwhelming hype surrounding the material. I think we can all agree that the overwhelming hype is total crap, and should be sent to hell for all eternity to rot and enjoy the company of such notable figures like John Wilkes Booth and Hitler’s dog. The hype is probably what turns off most potential readers and converts them into militaristic HP-hating nazis who go around internet forums flaming people with large capital letters LIKE THIS and horrendous grammar. The hype is an exercise in marketing and capitalism. Nothing more. It capitalizes off a book’s popularity and uses it to crank out lines of cheap merchandise and spin-off products. HP became its own pop culture, a mini-religion of some sort, akin to such phenomena like Star Wars and grunge.

But I think it’s finally time to get to the central question: What’s with HP that makes all the hype possible?

Children read HP because it is a fantasy book. And not any of those mature, advanced fantasy books like LOTR. It’s an easy, beginning, double-spaced, wide margined affair which serves as an introduction to more longer, complicated works. It is the combination of fantasy and childish whimsicality that make so popular. Hogwash Potion is a Horatio Alger-type orphan boy whom most kids can identify with. The feelings of misunderstanding and fear from his relatives, the struggles of dealing with new people in school, the constant attempts on his life by a lunatic sorcerer. It’s all a part of growing up (okay, not the last one). Indeed, children are able to relate to this sort of thing, and they will not have any difficulty reading it. HP transports little kids into a magical world of Muggles and broomsticks and enchanted mirrors, which may seem overly clichéd to bitter, cynical teenagers like me, but are enjoyable to young kids. HP is a children’s fantasy, complete with all the great wonder and imaginative situations of most modern fantasy, but without the bloodshed, wars, raping, mature themes, depictions of brutal acts of savagery and complex plot twists that would no doubt make an average fourth grader confused and terrified. Such a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that a book like this exists in this increasingly violent, depressed, sex-oriented world.

Which brings us to the good part.

The one thing HP really needs, apart from less giant spiders and unicorn-cide, is an entirely different cast of characters. I think that the entire franchise requires more dynamic people, dynamic enough so that I actually care about them. Enough of this prophetic-vision, death-of-parents, pining-over-girl crap! Wouldn’t it be better if HP and his companions could do things that relate to us? Or more importantly me? Of course it would.

The problem is, HP is mainstream. And like anything mainstream, it will soon be rejected by today’s rebellious-by-nature, ignorant-by-design teenage base, which will cause sales of books and movies and all related paraphernalia to plummet. It’s only a matter of time before the teenagers of the world decide that HP is just too lame and "childish" for their tastes, and will promptly go back to doing drugs. Because of that, its appeal will only remain with little kids and 80 year-old men who like to stare at Professor McGonagall. It will never again be accepted into the 18-49 demographic, which is all that really counts. Unless, of course, HP changes its image and starts exclusively focusing on one audience, like any media entity ought to.

I have a few ideas for different genre types for HP, most of those thought up under the influence of boredom and lack of real work. These ideas also comprise the first meaningful bulk of the essay. So let the synthesizing begin!

Harry Potter as High Fantasy

Harry Potter is quite different from the wuss we all know and love and hate. Instead, he will be a kickass sorcerer knight under the employ of the Elf King Albus Dumbledrond. Ronaldus Weasley of the Weaslirs will be his loyal and sometimes bumbling sidekick, as well as provide much-needed comic relief in this epic tale of love, lies, betrayal, adventure, loyalty, trust, hope, failure, angst, compassion, hate, revenge, determination, courage, strength, wisdom, heroism, sacrifice, and fate stretching across the entire world of Middle-Europe. Harry Potter wants revenge on the evil orc-lord Volderon and his evil legions of Dementors. Why? They killed his entire tribe because Harry’s parents possessed the all-powerful Sorcerer’s Ring. The Ring was lost in the ensuing battle between his parents and the Dark Lord Volderon. Joining Harry on his great quest to regain the Ring and avenge his parents is, along with Ronald Weasley, Hermoinien Granomir, the Elven princess abandoned by her elven parents and raised among the humans. She possesses numerous magical books filled with ancient spells and white magic, as well as a grinning, disappearing magical cat named Crookshanks who aids the Partyship during their trials and tribulations. Also coming along is Hedwig, the giant snowy owl of the Misty Mountains, Harry’s friend and wielder of great powers, such as the power to fly through winds and snow to deliver a tiny message strapped to her leg. The Partyship also meets Hagrid Stormbane, a giant among Dwarves, capable of smashing entire orc armies to a pulp, as well as carrying a mithril umbrella-axe, and a plethora of colorful wizards, assassins, mercenaries, and elven princes, such as:

Sirius Blackathorn: the mysterious and elusive adventurer who needs a shave

McGonagalf the Maia: great magic powers (i.e. Transfiguration) at her disposal

Dracond Malfodil: a prince of the Valir, the pure-blooded elves

Wormtail-man: the Dark Lord’s whimpering lackey

Quirrel-gol: crazy coot desperately searching for a ring he found once…

Will the Partyship regain the Sorcerer’s Ring and defeat Volderon? Come and enter a land of magic and elves and the fate of the world! The Wizard of the Rings!

Obviously this will be quite different from the above. Instead of being an exciting, action-packed fantasy, it will be a hilarious escapade of two young, confused, attractive lovers drawn together by fate, with mirthful misunderstandings and endless bantering about the man’s sexuality. In this case, Harry Potter is a fresh college graduate from Hogwarts University in Britain looking for a job…and maybe some lovin’. He winds up meeting this girl, Hermoine Granger, who has a connection to a possible job opportunity. Potter and Granger take a disliking to each other, and Potter finds out about the job opportunity from his drinking buddy from his frat days, Ron Weasley. Potter and Granger end up competing for the same job and are pitted against each other, with the prize being the job opening. They go on a series of hilarious misadventures, which inadvertently increases their feelings for each other, ending in a stirring climax and Harry’s declaration of love for Hermoine. During the wild and crazy ride, they will be aided by their friends and some new acquaintances, including:

Draco Malfoy: works at a government job; tries to screw Harry over

Cho Chang: a third job applicant; creates an amusing love triangle

Albus Dumbledore: Harry’s former university dean, helps Harry

Cedric Diggory: yet another job applicant, creates even more love madness!

Morty Voldemort: the evil manager who decides the job applicants

Come join the fun in this delightful romantic comedy, complete with more laughs, giggles, synonyms for "breasts", and cheesiness than you can shake a stick at! How to Lose a Wizard in 10 Days!

It is the 23rd century. Mankind has journeyed into space to escape the horrors on Earth. But amidst their trip to the heavens, they encountered more than they ever bargained for! Facing the powerful Metal Demons of the Planet Expell Two-Seven, humanity must place their hopes on the "Boy Who Lived": Captain Harry J. Potter of the 4th Intergalactic Expeditionary Force! Along with his intrepid gang of space comrades, Harry Potter must undertake a dangerous mission on his ship Gryffindor to the desert planet Expell Two-Seven, home planet of the Metal Demons in order to discover their weakness and enable the humans to defeat them. But during his mission, Potter accidentally stumbles upon the secrets of the ancient and mythical civilization of Expell Two-Seven, the Hous-Elves. What Potter finds may be the only hope for mankind and the universe, for Hous-Elf prophecy foretells an apocalyptic event, the "Ragnarok", about to unfold. With the humans and Metal Demons at war with each other and battlecruisers and space fighters battling among the stars, Potter and his friends must race against time to prevent "Ragnarok", for he is the chosen one: "The Boy Who Lived". But he won’t be alone! Rounding out the colorful coterie of characters are:

Lt. Ronald F. Weasley: Harry’s spunky sidekick; follows him wherever he goes

Hermoine Granger: another of Harry’s partners on his journey, pilot of Gryffindor

Sirii Blackii: a Metal Demon who is aware of the prophecy and joins Harry

Gen. Albus Dumbledore: commander of Earth’s space fleet

Voldemortus: leader of the Metal Demons who wants to destroy earth

Can "The Boy Who Lived" save the galaxy from its ultimate destruction? Hop on the Gryffindor and strap in tight, ‘cause it’s gonna be one hell of a trip! 2201: A Magical Odyssey!

Inevitably, anime will soon conquer all media. The influx of Japanese culture into America is already quite overwhelming, leaving little room for such American favorites such as the Simpsons and Family Guy. Harry Potter will be no exception. In fact, this new trend will be known as Potter Animation or "Potime". This is the part where I amalgamate every retarded anime stereotype I can crank out based on 3 minutes of research on the Internet with our beloved HP. Be afraid.

To start, let’s rename Harry Potter to Hariko Potawara, to make it contemporary with Japanese society. Hariko is a geeky student at some high school located in some small county in NeoCrystalCyberTokyo, because inevitably that is where all the world’s important events take place. And just as inevitably, we know that the male protagonist must be some kind of hapless, way-in-over-his-head, somewhat perverted loser whose only contact with the opposite sex comes from his mother and those pictures of pretty girls that come in cheap wallets. But that all changes when someway, somehow, he meets this alien girl that came from a magic portal in the janitor’s closet. Conforming to Japanese standards, this particular alien girl is well endowed and adept at kicking ass. So "seeking the savior of our world", she takes the poor, asthmatic, horny, and utterly bewildered Hariko back to her world, which is engulfed in a terrible war against some dudes in white armor. Oh yeah, by the way, her name is Heermashi Gawazaki.

So they arrive in Heermashi’s world, and the first thing Hariko sees is this giant rainbow-colored robot with a glowing blade. Well, the first thing Hariko should be feeling is piss-terrified, and the smartest idea that should enter Hariko’s hormone-overloaded brain is to run away as quick as those scrawny chopsticks of his can possibly carry him. But no, Hariko defines his status as Japanese fanboy and instead chooses to gawk at Heermashi as she magically transforms into a super-warrior-girl (Insert that god-awful SM transformation scene here). Ignoring the giant rainbow-colored robot with an energy sword the size of the Chrysler building, as well as the rapid tightening in his pants, he looks on in a glazed stupor at Heermashi Gawazaki, magical warrior princess extraordinaire, who is wielding a blade no living person should be able to lift, let alone swing. He can only obey his instincts as Heermashi charges headlong at the giant robot, whom he later learns is called a Gear-Mecha, in a desperate attempt to defend her world. Invariably, the Gear-Mecha is destroyed with a single swipe of her super-energy sword of death, seemingly defying all reason and logic, and also affirming Heermashi’s status as the goddess-like heroine of the story.

After Hariko summons all the intelligence of a plastic bobble-head doll to snap back to reality, he approaches the already-transformed-back Heermashi to ask her a few questions about this strange world. Obliging, she explains a whole lot of poorly-dubbed crap about her land, and the situation in the land, and the enemy, and the reason she can kick so much ass in so little time. Meanwhile, Hariko is only half-listening as he takes a good, long view down her conveniently torn blouse. Heermashi takes Hariko back to the headquarters of the human resistance, named NERVE. He meets a bunch of weird people in suits and is brought to the leader. He learns that this strange world is indeed Earth, in the 22nd century. So it seems that a time warp has brought the four-eyed, wimpy, boneheaded "savior" to this war-ravaged version of Earth to hit on hot alien chicks and possibly save the world. He learns that those giant "Gear-Mechas" are in fact terrible instruments of destruction used by those mysterious dudes in white armor, who call themselves the White Demons. The leader of the resistance, in typical RPG fashion, tells Hariko that only "you can harness the power of the Great Gear-Mecha of Doom and save the world!"

And along they go, searching for the Great Gear-Mecha of Doom in order to save the world, defeating the assassins of the White Demons, Gear-Mechas of the White Demons, and anything related to the White Demons, all the while traveling Earth, which somehow displays all the aspects of traditional Japanese culture, despite the fact that Japan was supposedly destroyed 50 years ago by an army of giant Gear-Mechas. They have many fantastic and mind-boggling adventures together, including but not limited to:

Looking for the magical power crystals that probably plays some important role in the story, but is not clearly explained by the American translators.

Running errands for local governments and kings, which distract from the real purpose of the quest, which quite obviously, is to see Heermashi and Hariko get laid.

Eat Japanese food like rice balls and use chopsticks, all the while staying in Japanese style inns run by kindly old gray-haired Japanese ladies.

Summoning great special attacks and awesome feats of magic, complete with the requisite vertical beams of light shooting down a colorful background.

Somehow not getting brutally slaughtered, despite their extreme vulnerability during the process of calling upon these special attacks.

Enlisting the help of such lovable characters as Ronusho Watsukaze, the comical knight’s squire and Hagashi Rubazaya-sama, the amiable giant.

Encountering many scantily clad women and many muscular-looking men, which don’t seem to serve any apparent purpose other than fulfilling the fanservice requirement.

Turning Hariko Potawara from a luckless, clumsy, dimwitted oaf into a slightly less luckless, clumsy, dimwitted oaf, but with a flaming sword of justice added to his repertoire.

And many other lighthearted escapades, most of them involving some sort of perverted Japanese humor that gets cut out by the American producers, leaving the rest of us confused and angry.

Magic, mayhem and Mechas! Warriors, weapons, and women! What more could any self-respecting anime nut want?

Right now these are all the cross-overs and copyright infringements I can think of. Creativity can’t be simply turned on like a faucet, you know. Also, I need food. But does this mean that I’ve ended my rant on HP? Probably, because I just remembered I have a term paper to write.