Heart Beat
- 3 -

Throughout my youth I had to feel the looks of others behind my back. The rumors they started only because they were jealous hurt me like a sharp knife. Slowly I began to understand that certain things which were called a blessing could also be a curse. Without noticing I began to build a protective shield around myself which couldn't be broken by anyone. The material I used was ice, this one element which is said to be amazing yet incredible cold. It kept others from going further, letting them turn and head for warmth. Somehow I became as cold in my appearance as my shield of ice.

Several darkgolden strains had loosened themselves from the ponytail and now fell straight into my face. I didn't bother to brush them away instead I was completely focused upon regaining the needed air. A run of three kilometres laid behind me and every single fibre of my body seemed to have disappeared in process. I collapsed down onto my knees and tried to slow down my racing heart by increasing the intervals between each breath I took. Slowly, my chest was raising and falling in a normal way and the blood rushed out of my head, taking the dizzy feeling with it. Actually I should be used to this already. Even if I had a talent for sports gymnastics, normal track activities were a complete torture for me. Whatever I did, I always ended up being so exhausted that the simplest movement was painful. Maybe it was true what my coach said. I went too far beyond my very own limits and didn't care for the signals my body was giving me. Giving up just wasn't an option for me, neither in sports nor in the rest of my life. I had to fight myself through it otherwise I would regret it badly one day. But right now I could only regret for having thought that I could run such a distance without side-effects. Drops of sweat rolled down my skin, making me realize that my entire sports outfit must be soaking wet already. Glancing down I saw the prove for that thought, my top was glued against my body, looking like a second skin. With a sigh I reached up and picked at it, trying to get some cool air between this layer and my skin but with no great success. And thus the uncomfortable feeling remained. Changing clothes wouldn't be possible until the end of the class and regarding that we still had over twenty minutes left I better got used to the fact that my current outfit was glued against me and didn't leave much imagination for the male part of our sports team. Not that I cared though. When I was finally able to move again, I saw my cousin starting his last round. His steps were as easy as in the beginning, light and fast without any sign of exhaustion. If I had been able to I would have adored him for his condition. Instead I forced myself to stand up and headed towards my belongings on the bleachers. Some cool water was the only thing I needed now. But I shouldn't get that pleasure immediately. An arm suddenly sneaked itself around my shoulders and drew me close to its owner. I didn't need to look up in order to know who it was. My greatest rival at school. Dave.
"Jennifer, your endurance is amazing. Running such a distance without a single break."
Every protective mode I had within me was prepared for switching into instant overdrive. Dave wasn't only my rival but also the only guy at our school I hated with passion. Especially his playboy attitude. There wasn't a single girl in our senior high which hadn't met up with his successful sugarsweet ways of trying to get a date. I shouldn't worry about that actually if it wasn't for one fact. The fact that he was only interested in the girl who had given him his first brush-off. Me. He won't give up before I finally said yes. Or had a boyfriend. And both options weren't that appealing for me at the moment. With a fast movement I escaped Dave's embrace and walked towards my place.
"There's nothing special about it. A great number of us managed that and you were one of them."
"Right. But it's always wonderful to see my sweet bird flying around the tracks."
I was near to burst out laughing. His ways to describe my running style were simply stupid. If at all I looked like a ostrich which had forgotten that it cannot fly with its wings. I threw a towl over my shoulders and wiped one of its ends over my face. At least that part of my body should feel normal and look like that also. Glancing to my side, I noticed that Dave was following every move of mine with interested eyes. That guy knew no tact. And the meaning of the word no neither.
"Don't you have other business to mind about? Like one of your groupies or something?"
"Aww, now you hurt me deep."
"And why aren't you bleeding to death then?"
That sharp comment of mine only made him chuckle. No matter what I said I couldn't seem to lower his interest in me. Maybe Sindy was right. Playing hard-to-get didn't work out all of the time. And especially not with someone like him. Every mean word from my side had the opposite effect, it attracted him further instead of pushing him away. With the vow to ignore him, I turned into the opposite direction and picked up my water. The bottle just touched my lips when the whole situation changed drastically. Two arms embraced me tightly from behind, holding me so close that I thought I wouldn't be able to breath normal once again. Dave's head rested on my shoulder and I didn't want to imagine of what was going on in his mind. Like I said that guy had no tact.
"Why being so mean when you could be nice also?"
"Dave, would you be so kind to get your greasy fingers off my stomach?"
"You're so tensed. But worry not, I know a way to make you feel at ease."
And one of his hands lefts its spot only to trail up my body. That action made me freeze instantly, leading to complete immobility. I knew I had to stop him but somehow I couldn't move. Why did my muscles always choose such a time to refuse to act as I wished to? I bit on my underlip, hard enough to make it bleed again. The hand touched the lower end of my top and my power came back. Without thinking further I stepped onto his foot and rammed an elbow into his chest. That shocked him enough to loosen his tight hold and gave me the needed space to escape. I jumped forward and whirled around, with an angry expression covering my face. Dave regained his self-control pretty soon and glanced at me with a look of both, amusement and surprise.
"My, you truely have power. How ... interesting."
The way he said that didn't please to me at all. He made a few steps into my direction and I looked around for something to throw at him if he decided to retry. But that wasn't necessary.
"I would say you keep away from her from now on or you're going to regret it badly."
I couldn't help but smile as I saw my cousin standing behind Dave with a glare in his eyes that promised instant death if he dared to touch me again. Dave just shrugged and gave me a strange look before walking away towards his fanclub. Dropping down onto the bleachers, I closed my eyes and shook my head in process. I didn't want to believe what had just occured.
"He won't get so far again, promised. I'm here after all."
My eyes opened and saw Chris kneeling in front of me, smiling encouragingly. And I answered by smiling back lightly.

I brushed through my open hair as I walked down the corridor towards the English class. It felt so wonderful and soft now that I had taken care of it for about ten minutes after I had changed into dry clothes. All in all I was at peace with myself, relaxed even despite some muscles inside of me which were still hurting from the long run. But one thing remained, the constant thought of the incident earlier. I had never thought Dave would ever dare to go that far but now I knew better than that. Around him I had to be more careful from now on. Maybe I should start to learn karate just like Sindy always said. In her opinion no woman on this world was safe without the knowledge of how to defend herself against anyone and anything. The only question was if that knowledge could be turned into real actions once the time had come. Shaking my head, I tried to focus my mind upon something else, like the upcoming Science project I was responsible for. It had been only a few days since I had been given the chance to enter the competition and I had already decided the theme for my project. Water as the fuel of the future. Theresa had laughed once I had mentioned the project, stating it was complete nonsense but I didn't change my mind. Since years I had a certain theory in my mind concerning that subject and with the help of the competetion I got the chance to prove it. A light smile appeared on my lips.
"What a luck!"
"Don't say you're talking about English."
Looking to my left I saw Chris staring at me with horror. I hadn't even noticed him walking up to me until that very minute. Upon seeing him I felt bad. He had helped me to get rid of Dave earlier and I hadn't thanked him openly. On the other hand, he certainly didn't expect me to do that but still.
"Certainly not. But, mmm, Chris?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
If I had a camera I would have made use of it immediately. The look my dear cousin was giving me was so incredible uncommon for him that it deserved to get a shot of. Like I had thought, he never expected me to thank him straightly. Indirect maybe but not like that. A faint blush covered his face before he teared his view away from me and focused it onto the ceiling.
"No need to. I'm your older cousin after all."
"Right."
Once again he had stressed the word cousin. It seemed like he always had to remind himself and the entire world of the fact that the two of us were related. For reasons which hardly anyone could understand. Except for our family. But the reason behind that was kept a secret and no one thought of it to be necessary enough to be spoken out aloud. And in my opinion it was the best thing to do. I nudged him and blinked slightly.
"Looking forward to another interesting English class, my cousin?"
"Are you kidding? I'd rather get caught sneaking into the girl's changing room!"
"I bet. And do me the favor to shut up today. Your behavior last time nearly ruined my reputation."
Chris gave me his typical grin before opening the door and letting me go inside the room first. Sometimes that moron could be really nice.

"While working in this hospital, the author himself had to face his own mental instability. It was truely eating him up from inside."
I suppressed a yawn and continued to draw sketches for my experiment. Before I attended senior high I had loved English and therefore I had nothing to fear concerning the grades, partly thanks to my talent for languages. But with a teacher like Mrs. McIntyre anyone could lose interest in that subject. Her way of teaching was enough to discuss about for eternity. Not only that she tended to hold very long speeches in which she repeated herself over and over again, she also was feared for her exams. In general these exams were pretty easy for someone like me but her decision concerning the grades was more than strange. How are you supposed to understand a D when you only see positive comments written on your exam? And thanks to her nature no one of us dared to break off a fight concerning that. I once had tried that myself but given up soon after since she seemingly never understood what I was pointing at. Thus most of us had decided the class was completely useless and followed their own business, let it be sleeping or chatting with each other. And Mrs. McIntyre never cared about that. She just continued her long speeches.
"This book gave him the possibility to write down his experiences and to process them at the same time."
Honestly, that book was pure crap. The story of a young doctor who went to work in a mental hospital shortly after his exams and had to face methods which didn't please to him at all. In the end he slowly drifted off into metal instability himself. And that story is told in over 400 pages, way too much for my taste. Glancing to my side I saw Chris lying half on his table, fast asleep. He truely had courage, I could never dare to do that. On the other side of the room, my dear rival was busy entertaining some of his fans with made up stories. I rolled my eyes up when I read him say something of a sports record he achieved not long ago. Which didn't exist, that I knew for sure. Dave was just as talented in showing off as my younger sister but unlike her, he never wanted to hurt someone in process. At least, not intentionally. Yet, he never noticed how many female hearts he had broken up to now. I turned my attention back to my project and let anything else fly past me. Anything for a certain sentence which shocked not only me but also all of my fellow students.
"In one week we're going to write an exam on that book."
"What?!"
"Mrs. McIntyre, that cannot be true. We just dealed with it for about three weeks. That's not long enough."
"Exactly. We haven't even finished the book completely."
"And where's the problem? You still have four days left."
What followed was a loud discussion between several students and Mrs. McIntyre which didn't change a single thing. The exam would be written next week, no matter what we tried. And since our teacher was convinced that we could do anything she expected we had not a single chance in convincing her otherwise. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought that we might be able to finish a book as long as the current one within a single night. Sure, our school life only consists of the English classes after all. Beside me, Chris was groaning in horror as he leafed through the book and realized how much work he had to do throughout the weekend. Knowing him he wouldn't be able to focus on the book for longer than half an hour before his attention focused onto something else like a football match on TV. That certainly was no problem of mine but I had to continue my project as well. Half an eternity later the bell finally rang and ended the class, making all of us rushing out onto the corridor.
"That's gonna be a long weekend."
Chris roamed through his hair and glanced down at his book, completely disgusted by thought of reading it. I had to giggle at that sight and walked over to my locker. Opening it, a little paper flew down onto the ground. At first, I didn't notice it but then Chris waved it in front of my eyes.
"What's this?"
"A note maybe. It was in your locker."
I placed my books inside and took the neatly folded paper. Opening it, I realized immediately that it couldn't be a note of mine, my handwriting looked completely different. Seconds passed in which I scanned the sentences written on it and when realization finally hit me, I was near to scream out loud. Instead I only managed to stammer something senseless.
"This .... how .... what a pervert!"
"Huh, what do you mean?"
Before I could do anything, Chris got hold of the paper and read through it himself. His eyes first showed disbelief but then started to burn with an angry fire. Pretty understandable regarding the content.
"This son of a bitch. If I get him he'll be glad if he can still walk afterwards!"
"Chris, don't think like that. It's no solution anyways."
"Even so, he deserves to be beaten some sense into his sick mind."
The metallic sound of my locker being closed resounded in the air before I grabbed Chris by his sleeve and dragged him away from the other students which grew interested in the angry outburst of his. It didn't take me long to end up on the parking lots in front of our school where I took a deep breath. Free talking at last.
"What's this all about? I mean what is going on between him and you?"
"I'll tell you. At home."
The look in my eyes told him that I wouldn't give him another option and so he gave in. He never had another chance anyways nor had I.

My hand wiped over the mirror which was steamed up thanks to the shower I had taken only a few moments before. When I could finally see my reflection clearly I stared at for what seemed like an eternity. In my opinion I looked pretty normal, not outstanding in any way. With all the slight mistakes only women are able to see. A face which is too round, legs which aren't that perfect and a skin full of freckles. But if I was so normal than why did I attract some people and others not? The reason didn't lay within my appearance, that was for sure. I sighed and picked up the comb, drawing it through my wet hair. I still had a great task to complete before I could finally go to sleep. And that was to explain Chris some things about my person. It wasn't a very pleasant thought since I was sure that he wouldn't understand even half of what I would tell him at first. A furious knock at the door broke through my thoughts.
"Jennifer, let me in!"
"Soon, sister dear."
"You said that minutes ago already."
I grinned slightly and decided to ignore further demands of Theresa to unlock the door for her. She had hurt me so many times lately that she deserved a little revenge. And thus I let myself much time getting ready for bed. When I finally stepped out the bathroom, my sister ran past me with incredible speed and I couldn't help but start laughing. Maybe she wasn't that smart as she always thought. Else she would have used the guest toilet on the first floor. When I opened the door to my room I saw Chris sitting on my bed, dressed in his pyjamas and not willing to leave before I hadn't explained him certain things. I rolled my eyes up. Moron or not, he didn't give up that easily.
"Geez, Chris. The whole story isn't that important."
"For me it is. And I won't go before you told me what is going on."
This time I was the one to give in and so I sat down beside him. Brushing through my still wet hair, I tried to search for a way to start my story but that didn't prove to be that easy. Chris however waited patiently. That was the first time I had seen him that quite except during exams or while he was asleep.
"Okay, it all started one year ago. I was new at senior high and attended most classes with Dave. I never really noticed him, I just heard from Sindy that he wasn't only one of the best students but also the womanizer of the whole school and that not a single girl could resist his charms. However, one girl did."
"You?"
"Yes, me. He wanted to ask me out for the winter dance last year but I refused and went there alone. According to what I heard I was the first girl ever to give him a brush-off and until now I remain the only one. It wouldn't be that bad if he hadn't decided that this made me the most interesting girl in the world for him. In fact, he only thinks about getting me as some kind of trophy."
Chris made a sound which showed clearly what he thought of that. And that was exactly the same as me.
"But then, didn't you say no?"
"So often that I stopped counting. He doesn't want to understand."
Silence settled between us. I hugged my knees and stared seemingly interested at my toes, moving them up and down. Except for Sindy I had never told anyone what exactly happened. Sure, there were rumors going around in our school but the truth they held was just as low as a deepest rift valley in the sea. Chris was lost deep in thought, obviously processing the information which was just provided to him.
"I never expected that from a student like him. I mean, his grades are perfect but him being a womanizer ...."
"There you see. You can never trust your eyes."
"And that move he made earlier today?"
"It was the first time ever he tried to get that far. But I'm sure he won't try again."
Another moment of silence passed before my cousin finally turned around to me, giving me a blank expression. Like I had thought earlier, it really took its time before he understood what I meant.
"Huh?"
"You'll be there, right?"
To stress the importance of that sentence I gave him my sweetest smile. A true smile of happiness of him being there whenever I needed his help. No matter how stupid he might be at certain times. The answer of my cousin was different from what I had expected. At first he blushed furiously and then looked into another direction.
"Yeah, I'll always be there for you."
When he turned around the expression in his eyes had changed towards something I couldn't clearly define. And the situation in general had changed. It had tensed up greatly, leaving the thought that something would happen if a certain word was said. Chris' hand raised to brush aside a strain of hair out of my face and he tugged it behind my ear. All the while, his eyes never left mine and I didn't find the strength to look into another direction either. There was something in his eyes which made me curious but I couldn't decide what it was. I didn't know how long we stayed that way, sitting on my bed with his hand caressing my cheek, staring at each other. But we were shocked back into reality by the loud sound of a door being thrown open and close, accompanied by the annoying voice of my sister. Chris jumped up and looked all guilty while I was slightly confused. Once he realized that no one had entered the room he relaxed but the guilty expression of his remained. He glanced down at me again and once he met up with my eyes, he blushed once again.
"I .... I'm sorry. We'll see each other tomorrow. Good night!"
With that he stormed out of my room, leaving me in my confused state. My hand reached up to touch my cheek while my mind was racing at full speed. What exactly had just happened that made Chris apologize? I couldn't come to any conclusion at all and fell onto my bed backwards. Sleep was the only thing that mattered now. It ended the day and lead me to another one. And could only pray that the new day would be more gentle to me than the former one.