Dr. Casey

The day is never done for a doctor, not even for a second. Some just take it as it is and never even bother to try and change it. Others, as you'll see, try to make time for themselves...all the time.

Nurse: Quick! Get this man into the operation room immediately!!!

Dr. Bob: I can take it from here! Thank you!

Dr. Casey: *gets up from his nap on the operating table* Hm? What's going on?

Bob: ...we got an emergency here!

Casey: Well don't fucking yell at me for his bitchy pains!

Bob: *wastes no time in moving the patient from the stretcher to the table then examines the bloody wound in the man's chest*

Casey: So...what's wrong with him? Chest pains?

Bob: Listen, if you're not going to help then get the hell out!!!

Casey: Fine, fine...I'll help.

Bob: *nods and holds his hand out to Casey* Forceps!

Casey: Those are the prong looking thingies right? Or is that weird drill that looks like the one in my shed?

Bob: DAMMIT!! Are you even a real doctor!?!? You sure don't act like one!!

Casey: I'll have you know that my Ph.D is a lot more certified than yours! *visualizes his framed piece of notebook paper with sloppy writing certifying him as a doctor reading "I M DOCTER!" on it* Ah yes...I remember that day well...

Bob: Help me out here!!!

Casey: Oh yea, the bleeding guy...

Bob: He's going into shock!

Casey: Let him do that for a few minutes it'll stop soon.

Bob: But he'll DIE!!

Casey: ...oh, right...riiiight...I forgot.

Bob: *resists hitting the young man and grumbles loudly* OK! Just go outside and I'll call you on the intercom when I need you!!!

Casey: Can do! *hauls himself out the doors and looks down the halls* No one else in here... *grabs a stretcher and starts running with it, gaining speed then propping himself up on the back as he flies down the hall*

Nurse: Dr. Casey! What do you think you're doing?!

Casey: Having fun!

Nurse: Stop that right now!!! You'll be in serious trouble if somebody else catches you doing that!

Casey: Well, shit...fine! *jumps off the back and gasps as the stretcher zooms across the hall and through the open door to the stairway*

Nurse: *covers her mouth as the rolling bed flies into the stairway and crashes into the wall then falls down the stairs with a deafening noise* What the hell were you think!?!?

Casey: That's just the thing, I wasn't thinking.

Nurse: Apparently not! Now I'm going to have to call the front desk and tell them to send somebody to get you!

Casey: ...well..then..uh....fuck?

Nurse: Are you even scared?

Casey: Not really...why?

Nurse: Because you should be! *picks up the phone and thinks twice then puts it back down* Forget it...I won't tell on you this time but next time you won't be lucky!

Casey: Whatever you say, babe! *smacks her ass and takes off around the corner and leaps into an opening elevator with two patients in it*

Patient 1: Hello there...you seemed to be in a hurry...

Casey: Yep! *clicks the bottom floor* So what are you here for?

Patient 1: I have some unknown disease...

Patient 2: And I broke my leg...

Casey: Well... *takes a step away from the diseased patient* Let's have some fun shall we? *hits the emergency stop*

Patient 2: Oh God...

Casey: We'll see who will cry first wanting out... *pulls out a needle from his coat and pops the protective cap off*

*various screams are heard from the elevator shaft then they suddenly stop and the door opens*

Casey: All right! Well I guess uh...disease dude won by about three seconds!

Patient 1: Get the hell away from me! *hurries and scuttles his way down the hall as fast as he can*

Casey: *shrugs and leaves the other guy in the elevator* Well whatever, I think I need to be operating now!

Bob: Come on! We need to operate on this man right away!

Casey: WHOA!! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM!?!?!?

Bob: The hall...

Casey: Oh yea, try and give me the obvious reason that you weren't following me...

Bob: Just hurry up!

Casey: *grins and follows Dr. Bob into the Operating Room* Sterile as far as I can tell! *wipes his nose with his sleeve and smiles*

Bob: OK! Now we need to give him-

Casey: 50cc's of uh...that stuff in the blue jar! *points* And um...let me handle it from here!!!

Bob: I don't think that's such a good idea...

Casey: Nonsense! It's a SPLENDID idea!

Bob: As long as you KNOW what you're doing...and call us if anything goes wrong!

Casey: Yea, yea! Go away and let me be!

Bob: Ok... *leaves*

Casey: *grins and looks around* Hm.. what to do... *grabs a blade and just starts cutting the X on the man's chest* Dum-de-dumm...

Man: *gasps as he feels himself being cut into*

Casey: ...holy shit... *grabs the nearest object, a bedpan, and flings it around knocking the guy unconscience* Whew...that was a close one...now to finish cutting and dicing!

*a pool of blood forms underneath the table and various cracks and snaps are heard as the bones break and bend during his surgery*

Casey: God...this is tough work! *wipes his forehead leaving a fresh mark of blood* Now what was I cutting into him for? Well...I guess I could ask but then they might not want me doing this.

Casey's Subconscience: You were going to steal his kidneys and leave him!

Casey: No...but it could suffice! *starts digging again and reaching around with his arm in the torso*

Bob: *steps in and drops his cliboard* Oh my GOD!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

Casey: *pulls his arm out and thinks* Uh...recusitating?

Bob: LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO HIM!!!

Casey: That bump is just from the bedpan, the rest is from this nice cutting knife thingie! *holds it up and prods the body*

Bob: Stop that! We need to fix him up and fast!

Casey: You do it, I'm too tired!

Bob: WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW!!!!!

Casey: DON'T YOU FUCKING YELL AT ME!!!!

Bob: ...

Casey: That's better. Now, let's pump him full of uh...a billion cc's of that stuff over there! *points*

Bob: Isn't that a little much?

Casey: Come on, a little bit of the blue stuff never hurt anyone before!

Bob: Yea, but did you think that maybe a lot of the blue stuff would?

Casey: ...no...should I have?

Bob: YES!!

Casey: THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!!

Bob: *restrains from hitting him again as his left eye twitches*

Casey: Well then, should I leave?

Bob: Yes...you should...

Casey: Alrighty-o! *heads out and has a big grin on his face*

Nurse: You seem happy, something wrong?

Casey: Nope! I feel fine! In fact...I feel like performing surgery on a patient!

Nurse: You can't just grab a patient and cut them open for no reason-

Casey: Sh sh sh! I hear a victim! *crouches near a corner and waits as the sound of scuffling feet in slippers nears closer*

Nurse: *covers her eyes*

Casey: HUZZAH!!! *leaps out from behind the corner and tackles a man that's about the age of 50 or more* GOT YA!!! Now it's time for operation!!!

Nurse: Doctor...I don't think it's such a good idea to do that since you don't even know what he's here for.

Casey: Who's the doctor here? ME! Now help me put him on the stretcher before he wakes up and realizes what happened.

Nurse: *sighs and does as she's told* Now can you handle this by yourself?

Casey: I sure hope so! *starts laughing as he drags the stretcher in with the man barely hanging onto it* Now...let's see what makes you uh...not tick...umm...bah! The hell with it!

**15 minutes later**

Casey: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DOING IN HERE?!?!?! *rips out the man's spleen and tosses it into the trashcan as if playing basketball* SCOOOOOORE!!!

Nurse: *peeks in* Doctor, I've noticed lots of noise coming from in here and I was wondering if oyu have it all under control..

Casey: Of course I do! But where do we keep the bactine?

Nurse: White tube in the bottom drawer over there, why? *points*

Casey: Cause most of this blood isn't mine. I dunno how but I cut myself on his ribs...so I took them out.

Nurse: *eyes widen suddenly and then faints right in the doorway*

Casey: Awww...god dammit! Do I have to do everything around here?! *walks over and grabs the nurse by the legs then drags her to the desk and just leaves her as he searches for the bactine* Where the fuck is it?!

Intercom: Dr. Casey, you're needed in the medical lab on the third floor!

Casey: *shrugs and strips off the rubber gloves tossing them in the trash can as he leaves both, the nurse and patient, in the room* THIRD FLOOR IT IS!!!!

**Moments later**

Casey: The Doctor is IN! NOW EVERYBODY FUCK OFF!!!

Bob: Uh...we need your help with a patient.

Casey: ...that's it? I traveled down the hall, into the elevator, out of the elevator, down three more halls, and into this very room for THAT?!?!

Bob: Yes, now hold his arms down.

Casey: I got a better idea! Let's just cut a hole in his head so he won't know what pain is!

Bob: How about not?

Casey: How about yes?

Bob: No.

Casey: Yes.

Bob: No!

Casey: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT YELLING AT ME?!?!

Bob: Shut up and just hold his arms!

Casey: *grabs the man's arms and stares at Dr. Bob* You better watch it...I'm a better doctor that you!

Bob: *sarcastically* Ooohhh...I'm scared!

Casey: YOU BETTER DAMN WELL BE!!

Bob: ...*administers the medicine and tosses the needle to the side* There... you can let go now...

Casey: Stop hitting yourself! *smacks the patient's arm right into his face* Stop hitting yourself! *does it again*

Bob: LET GO!

Casey: *drops the arms and smiles* Now what?

Bob: Now you leave.

Casey: Fine, I feel like performing a lobotomy anyways! *runs off towards a new operating room*

Nurse Zandrea: Where are you heading off to?

Casey: *starts the television show song* Operation! Is it water on the knee?! Operation! The whole bucket sea!

Zandrea: *laughs and follows* What kind of operation?

Casey: LOBOTOMY!!!! DUN DUN DUNNN!!! *repeatedly clicks the elevator*

Zandrea: You know once is enough.

Casey: Quiet, woman! I'm trying to call upon the spiritual forces of the elevator to rise or lower it to this level!

Zandrea: And away you go.

Casey: *starts humming then hears the ding for the floor* I am a miracle worker! *leaps inside and waits for Zandrea then starts repeatedly clicking the sixth floor*

Zandrea: You want the spirits to take us up?

Casey: Hell yea! *waits for the doors to close then just stares as he waits for them to hit the floor*

Zandrea: So, what's up?

Casey: The sewers! BOOSHA!! I GOT YOU GOOD!!!!

Zandrea: *blinks* Wow... *waves her hands some* You sure did...

Casey: YEA! *hears the ding and slams into the doors* GOD DAMMIT!!! WHY DON'T THEY OPEN ON CUE?!?!

Zandrea: Oh my God! Are you alright?!

Casey: *wipes the blood from his nose and steps off the elevator checking the rest of his face* Yea, I'm ok...

Zandrea: *hands him a kleenex* Here.

Casey: What the hell? Do you keep kleenexes in your pockets?! *takes it and dots his nose*

Zandrea: No...that's from my restroom break...

Casey: ... *stops dotting his nose and just drops the kleenex* Well then...shall we go to the operating room?

Zandrea: Yes we shall!

Casey: Secretary, hold all my calls!

Derek: What the fuck? I'm not your secretary!

Casey: Huh? Oh! Uh...where'd she go? *glances around then stares at the person*

Derek: ...what?

Casey: ...you a doctor?

Derek: No...

Casey: Good enough! Come along Sally!

Zandrea: It's Zandrea!

Casey: That's what I said, Susan, now come on! *grabs both of thier arms and hauls them into the operating room* Now..where's my patient?

Derek: Not me! You creep me out! Is that real blood all over your arms and coat?

Casey: Well of course! I wouldn't be much of a doctor if I didn't have the evidence to prove it!

Zandrea: He's right you know.

Derek: Well, whatever, let's find you that patient you want. After this though I'm going to leave...too much for one day...

Casey: Did you just get here?

Derek: No, I've been here since nine this morning. My little brother had a broken arm.

Casey: Well you shouldn't be here then...broken limbs can be patched up real fast...sorta...yea...

Zandrea: Found one! *drags some guy in by his arm*

Casey: PERFECT!! *grabs and old fashion drilling tool and positions it right on the man's forehead* The floor is a lot mroe firm for holding the guy's head in one spot...

Derek: Shouldn't we apply the anesthetic?

Casey: Wassat?

Derek: You know...make them not feel the pain...

Casey: Well that's kinda the reason I'm gonna be drilling into him...

Derek: ...oh....my......God........

Casey: *starts turning the drill and waiting for the satisfying crack of the skull* Almost there...

Zandrea: Wow...that's a new technique!

Casey: Yup! It's my own technique that I use for such emer-*hears the crack and stops then pulls the drill out* Damn...does this guy ever stop bleeding?

Derek: I think I'm gonna be sick...

Casey: Towel-boy! Fetch me a clean paper towel and we'll clean this mess up!

Derek: I'm not a towel-boy either! Oh GOD! Is that his brain?!

Casey: Yep...looks like regurgitated Jello...hm..

Zandrea: *grabs a bedpan and turns around slamming it into Derek's gut* Whoopsie-daisy!

Derek: Ugh...I think I'm gonna throw up...

Casey: Not on this floor, mister! You will not vomit on this clean and crisp floor! *stands up in the pool of blood as it runs down his legs* Now where the hell is my paper towel?!

Derek: *runs off and vomits in the hall*

Casey: Get a paper towel out there while you're at it!

Zandrea: OOOOOHHHHH!!!! BUNNY!!!

Casey: Huh? Where?

Zandrea: *snatches the picture of a little white rabbit off of a desk* MINE NOW!!!

Casey: You can have it...even though I have no clue who's room this is...

Derek: *comes back in with a rool paper towels* Here...

Casey: *snatches the paper roll and drops it on the floor splashing blood up* There, clean. Now let's find another patient!

Zandrea: *stuffs the picture into her pocket and grabs Derek by the shoulders* FRESH MEAT!!!

Casey: ONE OF US!!! ONE OF US!!! *snatches a scalpal and runs at Derek full speed*

Derek: *screams as loud as he can*

Casey: *starts carving his initials on Derek's chest then taps the end of the blade to his lip and adds "Rulez!" under it*

Zandrea: I've never seen such a nice tattoo!

Casey: I'm an experienced artist! *twirls the balde around and ducks as it flies off and busts a light*

Derek: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!?!

Casey: I have you a Grade A tattoo from operating...want more?

Derek: NO!

Casey: TOO LATE!! *grabs a saw and stares at him for a second* On second thought... Nurse? Would like to handle this one?

Zandrea: Certainly!!! *takes the saw and runs after the fleeing man*

Casey: Hm...I guess I could rest for a while...all this excitment for the past... uh...DAMMIT! WHERE'D MY WATCH GO!?!?!

Intercom: Dr. Casey, you're needed at the front desk! The police are here!

Casey: Do they want to observe?

Intercom: No..hey wait! *scratches and thumps are heard* GIVE IT BACK! *a shot's fired and silence ensues for a brief period*

Casey: ...well? *leans on a counter with glassed specimens*

Intercom: Ahem! This is poli-uh...Harris! We need you to uh...stay right where you are!

Casey: Ok, Poli-uh...Harris, when you gonna get here?

Intercom: It's just Harris. We'll get there in about fifteen minutes!

Casey: Alrighty-o, Just Harris! *waits and pulls a severed hand out of a jar inspecting it and smelling it* This day was fun...but it all gets old after a while...if you know what I mean! BOOSHA!

The End...or is it?