Samurai strutted (in his usual manner) boldly into the official HQ of The Shady Crew. He pressed the button at the elevator to go up, stepped inside, and pressed his usual floor (which happened to be floor three). Then, as usual, he exited the elevator, walked down the same old hallway, and hooked a left to his usual office, where he opened the door (as usual), removed his usual black coat, and hung it as he usually hung it, which was on the third hook from the right on the coat hanger.

“Ah yes,” he said, sitting in the familiar chair and leaning back, lacing his fingers behind his head. “It sure feels nice to be back again.”

His eyes then fell to the stack of memos that were gathering dust on his desk.

“Hmm…” he murmured. “What have we here?”

He picked up the stack of square yellow papers and began with the one on the bottom, which for some reason seemed logical to him. The first one was a polite, handsomely written piece query:

He smiled. “Well THAT was nice of him, wasn’t it?” he said, feeling a warm sensation starting in his tummy. “It’s nice to feel wanted.” He flipped to the next note, which was similar:

Yo, Samurai, man. Seriously. Where you at? Check in now and again. Yours, Master Elf.

“Well…yeah. OK.” He flipped to the next one, which was a…little less cordial.

Samurai - show up or lose the key to the Author’s Bathroom. - Master Elf

The smile lessened significantly. “I sense a growing amount of impatience in the force,” he said cryptically, flipping to the next-to-last memo.

Mr. Platypus - We regret to inform you that you have not shown up in too long, and are therefore a loser. - Management

His smile completely disappeared at this, and he blinked several times. “Well. Talk about a definite change of tone.” The last memo was very different. Scrawled out in red ink, it was short, concise, and to the point.

Samurai - I’m going to eat your family. - Master Elf

His eyes went wide, and he dropped the memos. “Honestly! Having a barbecue and not inviting me…”

“Ahem.”

Samurai turned around to see none other than Master Elf standing in his doorway. “Yo there, Master E! What’s happenin’, bro?”

Master Elf narrowed his eyes at Samurai, he proceeded to cower ever-so-slightly in the corner. “So. Showing up for the first time in over three months, are we?” he said coolly.

Samurai nodded shakily. “Y-y-yes sir, Mister Master Elf, sir.”

“Thought it’d be a good idea to take an unannounced vacation for a couple of months, did we?” said Master Elf, a slight edge to his voice.

“Um…well, I had this ticket to Rio, see, and it -”

“Stop right there.”

Samurai bit his bottom lip. “Yeah. I’d stab my eyes out with a letter opener, too.”

Master Elf blinked. “Huh?”

“Man…” Samurai released a sigh. “Look, I’D be pissed off if I was you and you were me, and you decided to take a long hiatus unannounced, and you had to keep The Shady Crew running all by your lonesome with the exception of a few others here and there by such and such, and I could imagine definitely wanting to stab your eyes out if you were me. Then I’d be like, ‘what the HELL were you thinking?! Taking a long-ass hiatus like that! I’LL KILL YOU!’ And then I’d do this.”

He grabbed the katana-shaped letter opener from his desk and lunged at Master Elf, he deftly dodged in a humbling demonstration of block-and-throw martial arts technique, rendering Samurai…in pain. “Dude…I just wanted a souvenir.”

Samurai stood and dusted himself off. “Oh. Of course.” He reached into his shirt-pocket and pulled out a pen, which he handed to Master Elf. He motioned for Master Elf to turn it upside down. “You can see her boobs.”

“Neat!” said Master Elf, walking out of the room.

“And with a busy start of the day like THAT,” said Samurai, putting on his coat, “I step out for lunch.”

And he did.

The End.

(The moral, folks: don‘t be mad at me for leaving unannounced and then coming back suddenly like this - I‘ll give you gold! [fresh out of boob-pens] )