Note: You shouldn't take anything seriously in this essay.

Damn punk kids.

I remember the good old days, when entertainment was lame and predictable. I remember when society was structured and orderly. I remember when men were men and women were women. I remember when kids brought their parents their pipe and slippers on blustery winter nights, with the fireplace ablaze and the family dog curled up at Dad's feet. I still remember…when little kids weren't so freaking annoying.

Back in the day, when I was a sniveling little third grader, I was perfectly content with my stuffed animals and coloring books. I didn’t have the Internet, I didn’t watch stupid Japanese anime, and my stingy penny-pinching parents wouldn’t buy me anything remotely resembling a toy of any kind. Those were good times. I still remember lying on the floor, doodling funny pictures and writing stories about rabbits and squirrels and cute woodland creatures, eating the cheese sandwich that Mom had made for me on a warm spring day. What did I have? I think I had Legos and a tennis ball. Nothing worth bragging about.

begin fond reminiscence

When I got home from school every day, I would finish my homework that I got that day and settle down on the couch to watch the still-hysterical antics of that perpetually-down-on-his-luck cat, Tom, and his larger-than-life mouse cohort, Jerry. Damn, I was so pissed when Jerry managed to escape Tom. I hate that mangy, plague-carrying, lice-infested rat so much. So much…

There were more corny cartoon shows that I used to watch. Back in the day, which was somewhere around 1995-97, two major networks carried weekday kid’s shows. No, three. Channel 13, or PBS had some good ones. Like Wishbone. Damn, that was a sweet show. That little dog had the greatest adventures. And Bill Nye the Science Guy. Everything I needed to learn I learned from Bill, like how to build a compass with a needle…and something about momentum.

/end fond reminiscence

Well, as much as I’d like to continue my trip down memory lane, I really want to get to the point at hand. I may not be the most intelligent person in the world, but I do know that it wasn't like this. Someone really needs to give these little kids a good caning. Even in the early 90’s parents were still reprimanding kids and spanking them and basically keeping them in line. Little kids, even with their retarded questions and temper tantrums and general obnoxiousness, still "respected their elders". That phrase was practically pounded into me back when I was a young pup, still with big bright eyes and a cute, dimply grin. Every time I was about to say something, my parents would smile condescendingly and kindly reprimand me, which really helped me put things into perspective.

"Don’t talk back."

"Don’t give me that attitude."

"No I will not buy you that toy. Shut up and carry the groceries."

"No I will not let you watch television. Shut up and do trigonometry problems."

"No you may not go outside. Shut up and play with the wall and this ballpoint pen."

"Stop crying. Only girls cry. Be a man."

"Eat faster. Only girls eat slowly."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

So you see, I was pretty damn well disciplined. I knew when to hold my tongue. I knew what was acceptable to say when company came around to my home. I knew that my parents would open up a can of whup ass if and when I stepped out of line. In fact, their not-so-gentle words of encouragement and stern but loving discipline made me the model citizen I am today.

But this isn’t about me. This is about punk kids. I will define punk kid: "a child, usually 6-13 years of age, who think they're hot stuff and won't listen to their elders". Those buggers barely come up to my waist and here they are talking to me like they know better. Little kids are beyond insolent. To have a scrawny fifth grader telling me that the "square root of two is one" is fucking infuriating. And it’s the tone of voice that pisses me off the most. The attitude. I don't know where kids get this notion that they're better than everyone else. There's this little kid I know that goes to a class I work in. She's in sixth grade, hardly a position to tell me what the asymptote of a hyperbola is. On a typical day, she likes to scream about how much I smell, and how stupid I am, and how ugly my face is, and how she can easily (albeit fallaciously) disarm all my carefully constructed, theoretically sound arguments that anyone with a second grade education can grasp. The little pinprick was damn well screaming in my ear and raving with the ferocity of a schizophrenic badger. I never wanted a gun more.

And then her fat horse of a friend comes over. She's known among the boys in the class as "Fat Carol", and unlike the first bitch, is quite chubby, and as much as I’d like to comment on her apparent affinity for adipose tissue, I know it’ll probably land me in more trouble, most likely with her parents, who obviously haven’t been doing a good job disciplining her fat ass. So she comes. And the first thing she says is:

"Gang du."

"Gang du" is Shanghainese for, literally, "stupid head". If you don't know what Shanghainese is, or what it has to do with this essay, then you're probably another ignorant punk kid who should go back to first grade geography. It is quite amusing when little kids talk insult you in another language. I suppose it made Fat Carol feel special when she displayed her prowess in an obscure Chinese dialect. I mean, I was totally caught off guard when I heard those words that I only hear at home every single day. In fact, I was so surprised I could not even think of a suitable remark to counter that crippling blow to my intelligence. And although I was thrashed in that round of verbal sparring, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that a bright young pup like Fat Carol was able to honor her proud Shanghainese heritage and show that dumbass big kid his place. Well kudos to you, Fat Carol, kudos on your mad Chineze skillz.

But all the Chinese in the world couldn't hide the fact that she was trying to offend me. This lack of respect is some kind of horrible plague, one that must be eradicated as brutally and painfully as possible. Why are kids so disrespectful these days? It’s a question I ask myself every night as I climb into bed, a question that drives me to the brink of insanity. Sure, there are a lot of outside influences. Rappers and punk rockers screaming out their misogynist and anti-establishment lyrics, scantily-clad actresses and media figures promoting blatant sexuality and deviance from old family values, there’s not much these days that can be rated as good, clean, wholesome family fun. Even such essentials such as Disney are discarding their kid-friendly label and going PG-13. The revival of rock bands, with such weird names like Linkin Park and Good Charlotte isn’t helping matters either. How can kids learn to be good, upstanding citizens when their musicians and singers have bright pink hair and talk about rebelling against authority?! Even though I tried so hard to steer kids down the correct path, it all fell apart. I tried so hard and I got so far, but in the end it didn’t even matter and popular rock music beat me.

There isn’t much we can do to change popular culture. As soon as one godawful influence on children dies, a new one, even more perfidious, takes root and infests our kids’ minds with independent thoughts and dreams of deviance. But we all know that a child’s education starts in the household, and that’s exactly where I plan to change things. Before all the popular trends can hit them, before all the vices and evils of the world can corrupt them, before all that, there’s still one hope left for these misguided souls.

Parents.

That’s right. Parents are supposed to nurture and provide their kids with a safe and above-all healthy environment to grow up in. They are supposed to help kids learn the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, freedom and conformity. They are supposed to help children make important decisions that will influence them for the rest of their lives. And it is quite obvious that America’s parents failing spectacularly. Why are all these kids running around wild without regard for the rules that everyone else has to follow? Why are they not giving the respect that we older people deserve? Why are they not working diligently to become future functional members of society?

It’s because their cowardly, hippie parents didn’t believe in good ol’ fashioned discipline. These parents are failures and should be sterilized so they can’t have kids anymore. Those shrimps aren't even doing anything that validates their continued existence. Their parents trip over themselves to fulfill their stupid kids' insatiable desire for material goods, and what do those same kids do in return? Nothing. They don't deserve to breathe our oxygen.

Once again, it’s up to me to step in and bail those clueless parents out of the proverbial fire. Someone’s gotta teach those kids some respect and dignity, why not me? So without further ado, I present "The Easy 3-Step Plan for Depunkization of your Kids".

When I say a strict budget, I mean a strict budget. Don’t make allowances for anything, be it toy, clothing or school supply. And speaking of allowance, don’t give them one. Hell, don’t give them any money at all. Not even for chores or work. Doing chores and work should be something that your kids owe you. Giving your children money gives the impression that you are just a walking cash machine. However, if you don’t supply them with any funds at all, then in effect you are forcing them to appreciate every cent they can get their grubby little hands on, and thus teaching them the value of money. It is a lesson every child should have drilled into their brain from the moment they’re conceived. Should a situation ever arise when your child is absolutely begging you for some of your hard-earned cash to spend on designer clothes and/or drugs, simply smile, shake your head, and tell them it’s for their own good.

If your child is still getting substantial amounts of money without your knowing, it is reason enough to implement the "child tax". Remember a child with money is like a bull in a china shop. There’s no telling what that kid might do with it. Besides, if the IRS can garnishee the hell out of your salary, then it follows that parents would be allowed to tax their own children. For starters, institute a 10% tax on all luxury goods that your child buys. Luxury goods include: clothing, music, video games, tickets, candy bars, etc. As you can see, this will seriously curb the "impulse buying" that some kids, particularly preteens, are apt to experience. It will also help offset the exorbitant cost of feeding, clothing, and the generally upbringing of a child, especially in this day and age.

Going along with that, if you feel that your kid still hasn’t learned the power of the dollar yet, then keep all receipts from purchases for your child. Junk food, brand-name clothing, anything that saps money from your bank account and goes to the kids. Add up the total cost of raising him/her and then as soon as that ungrateful little bugger turns 18, hit ‘em with the bill. Compound interest too.

The problem with parents these days is that they forgot the lessons of the past, which hold so much meaning in the present and especially the future. Instead of spanking and beating some sense into their kids, they choose to "nurture" and "help" them. Well look, you "nurtured" and "helped" them enough, at the expense of your wallet and your sanity, now what do you see? I know what I see. I see a bunch of snot-nosed brats who took advantage of their well-meaning mothers and fathers. Is that the way you want your kids to turn out? Didn’t think so.

So how do we remedy this? Easy. The belt.

Parents are too lenient and accommodating. This sends the message to your kids that you are weak-willed and defenseless. You might as well stick a sign on your face that says: "Please walk over me because I can’t bring myself to discipline my kids." Kids may be ignorant and immature, but they’re not stupid. If they see that their parents are doormats, then they can and will take advantage of that. So the next time you’re faced with a situation like this:

"Dad, I need to go over to Jimmy’s house."

Don’t respond with a "Oh yes, dear, have a nice time."

Instead, say this:

"Did you finish your homework?"

"No, I need to go to Jimmy’s house to do it."

"Well too fucking bad, you’re not going anywhere until you finish your homework! And especially not in that outfit! And you sure as hell aren’t even getting dinner unless you vacuum the floor, wash the dishes and clean the crap out of the gutters!"

"But Daddddddd!"

"That’s it! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!"

In the above example, the father didn’t take crap from his ungrateful daughter. Now that’s the sort of man I’d be proud to call Dad. No compromises, no negotiations, just a solid refusal to acquiesce to any demands. With sufficient repetition of this little exercise, your kids won't even get within twelve yards of you anymore, and you can finally enjoy the comforts of your own home after a hard day at work. In peace.

The bottom line is, make your kids fear you. Fear leads to respect. Respect leads to obedience. Obedience leads to no more shit from your kids.

Rules are the foundation of any civilized society. Can you imagine a family without an established set of ground rules? I can’t, and I’m sure I don’t want to. However, just having rules is moot without enforcement. If there’s one thing that punk kids understand, it’s laying down the law. This goes hand in hand with Step 2, because once parents muster up the guts to smack their kids, then a whole slew of creative options is opened up for them. Spanking is just the beginning.

Rules are useful for creating a sense of order in the household. It gives you power to restrict and control the lives of your subjects, incidentally named "children". While creating wild and insane rules is fun, the best idea would be to create a series of laws that slowly and insidiously strip away all of your child’s freedoms. Start small, like a bedtime rule, then gradually up the ante, to a lockdown. Keep the illusion that your child has rights. If you do this well, your child will not even realize that his/her life is in your complete control now.

Your kids don’t have to be constant nuisances. In fact, if manipulated the proper way, they can even be useful. According to me, it is a known fact that people with kids die earlier. Every minute you are exposed to a child, you are cutting your own life span by two hours. Reduced contact with kids will dramatically increase your life expectancy. The easiest way short of abandoning your children would be to force them to work. Make them work, and don’t pay them anything. Tell them it’s a way for them to earn their keep, because they’re getting room and board for free. If that fails, then tell them "hard work and suffering builds character." You should make your children feel like they are indebted to you, and they are, because you brought them into the world.

Be creative. Anything that keeps those annoying assholes out of your hair is good, no matter how menial or pointless. A good task would combine all of these facets:

Long

Tedious

Soul-crushing

Unrewarding

Painful

Potentially dangerous

Of course, the flip side is, your kid might realize that what they’re doing is not helping them at all in any way. They might even feel used. They will become angry and rebellious. Obviously this attitude is not what you want out of your kids. This is where harsh and continuous punishments come into play.

Standard punishments include:

Spanking

Grounding

Revocation of television and computer privileges

Lecturing/Screaming

Large fine

But if you really want to keep your kids in line, then just remember that punishments are only effective when your child feels shame/humiliation. That way, they will feel that they are actually deserving of that particular punishment, and that it’s their fault for invoking your wrath.

A child can only learn something if it’s pounded into their head repeatedly and with the force of a super nova. Punishments should be administered as often and as frequently as you can find an excuse for. They’re like nutrients. Without a daily dose of Vitamin Beat-Ass, kids won’t grow up properly. For every rule that your child breaks or for every task that he/she does not successfully and satisfactorily perform, subject him/her to an additional punishment. With any luck, your child will learn not to cross the line at all in fear of parental reprisal. In fact, you can gradually condition him to hide in the corner like a mangy cur whenever he hears your footsteps, just like Pavlov.

All these measures will enable you to raise a hard-working, healthy, happy on the outside, dead on the inside, contributing member of society. Send your child off to college, wait a few years for him/her to find a job, and sit back and relax as your kid kills himself trying to repay all the debts that you’re owed.

Of course, if all else fails, just don’t have kids.

Happy parenting, and have a nice day.