On set of the movie in my head (or the funny things I write to get past writers block)

Reading through reviews in a lazy mood.

Jarnal: God. . . everybody hates me. . .

Teeo: Yup. You're scum of the earth man.

Jarnal: Apparently.

Teeo: Nobody like you. Every body hates you. . .

Jarnal: Oh... shut up.

Jester: Teeo! Get back into character.

Teeo: Oh look here comes another one.

*hate mail for Jarnal*

Jarnal *sit down and sings* Nobody like me everybody hates me.

Teeo: Maybe you should go kill yourself.

Jarnal: Shut up, you. That was the original story. She re-wrote it.

Jester: Teeo hasn't figure that out yet.

Jarnal: But the new story is written now...

Teeo leaned back into the wall and heaved a satisfied sigh. . . then suddenly jumped forward. "You know, Jester. There's a lot of sighing going on here."

Jester: So? Act.

Jarnal: *dropping back* Do you know how difficult it is to do this with him constantly critiquing the script.

Teeo: It's called concern and all 'real' imaginary actors do it.

Jarnal: *gasps in a high whimpering voice* That was harsh. *sniffle* I'm so hurt...

Teeo: I'm in character.

Jarnal: No. You're not. You're being a jerk. That's my character.

Teeo: You might have a point.

Jarnal: Jester, can we discuss this. I'm not sure about. . .Is that a naked man on your screen?

Teeo: Ooh, let me see?

Jester: *closing pornographic web-sites.* I'm doing research. . . uh...you two argue it out. Then I'll get you back the way you ought to be.

Teeo: That's encouraging. We argue and she looks at naked men.

Jarnal: is arguing in his character?

Teeo: Why don't you worry about your own character.

Jarnal *growling* Because I know my character.

Teeo: *recoils a minute* Jesus, dude. Take it easy.

jarnal: I'm in character.

Teeo: Oh.

*they look back at Jester*

Jarnal: I guess the figments of her imagination aren't good enough?

Jester: Careful, Jarnal. I'll castrate you in later chapters. The reviewers are howling for it.

Jarnal pales and covers his body. "I hate reviewers ..."

Teeo: *giggling* I love the reviewers. Jarnal's gonna be my bitch again.

Jester: Out of character.

During the scene with Jarnal and Cimera. . .

Jester: Okay. This needs some chemistry. . . I'm not feeling it.

Teeo emerges with a chemistry set: Will this do.

Jester: Out of character. Out of character! OUT OF CHARACTER!

Teeo was jolted from his sleep *first time* "Jarnal!"

"Nope." It was a feminine voice.

Teeo: who the hell are you?

Girl: I'm the hot bitch next door.

*Teeo laughs. There is laughter off set* Jarnal: That's his birthday present!

Cimera *receiving the swan*: Oh Teeo! It's a beautiful. . . whatever the hell it is.

Teeo: *Laughs.*

Jester: Teeo, Out of character.

Teeo: What? But she. . .

Jester: She could say your big red dick was beautiful. I don't want you laughing at her.

Cimera *sticks her tongue out at him.*

Take two.

Cimera: Oh Teeo! It's beautiful. . . looks just like big red dick.

Teeo: *in character* What! It was supposed to be a . . .well never mind.

Cimera: Was it meant to be a... oh shit how would Jarnal put it. . . wet cunt?

Teeo: *restraining a laugh* Well, I guess I could see the resemblance.

Cimera: So how did they get confused?

Teeo: I don't know. . . Maybe I haven't seen the one in a long time. Here take off your dress and I'll take off my pants and we'll check.

Cimera laughs.

Teeo: *looks to Jester* What? Aren't you gonna shout out of character?

Jester: No. I'm tired of telling you. I'm gonna go work on the Christmas present one.

Teeo: but she laughed

Jester: She WOULD laugh.

Cimera sticks her tongue out.

Teeo sits alone on the set.

Jester: Where's Cimera. I want to shoot that one scene.

Teeo: I don't know.

Jester: What?

Teeo: *shrugs* I last saw her going off somewhere.

Jester: Well, fine. Where's Jarnal.

Teeo: Beats me. Probably with her.

Jester: Well I can't write a scene with just you. Most of them are done.

Teeo: Yeah, you cut out all the masturbation scenes you had in the original script...I kinda liked that better... having it all in my mind. You sure we can't go back to a score of me all alone?

Jester: Yes I am. Want to know the reason?

Teeo: Out of character. Gee, it was more fun being a half-baked idea. . .

Teeo and Jarnal look over her shoulder while she types.

Jarnal: what's she working on?

Teeo: I dunno something with a kid getting raped. *snickers*

Jarnal: oh okay.

They watch a moment longer.

Jarnal: so what does this have to do with our story?

Teeo: I have no clue. *still giggling*

Jarnal: I mean we wouldn't be out of the folder if she wasn't working on a relevant idea, right?

Teeo: I don't know. I guess.

Jarnal: Did she start another story or something?

Teeo: Could be. You know a guy named Jondrette?

Jarnal: Yeah. That's my pa. . . whoa! Jester! We need to talk.

Teeo *bursts out laughing as Jarnal storms off*

Jarnal: Jester I dislike this turn of events.

Jester: Teeo.

Teeo: What?

Jester: Out of character.

Teeo :grrrrrr.

Jarnal * perplexed, before the wall banging* I can't understand this position. . . No it's like physically impossible to get into this position. . .

Teeo heaves a sigh and comes over and assumes the position with Jarnal, thrusting into him.

Jester: out of character. Jesus Christ, I hate reused half-bakeds!

Teeo *sneaks up behind Jester with a balloon to pop. She is queitly editing something.*

Jester: Out of character.

Teeo: how does she do that!

Jester: It's called poetic license.

Teeo: Got to get me one of those...

The boy breathed heavily, opening his eyes to gaze with gratitude at Jarnal as the man skipped away. "Man. . . you suck."

Jarnal tilted his head a moment then shrugged and bent his head to the younger man's groin.

The jester's voice was heard off stage: Teeo. I'm gonna kill you. You are so. . .

Jarnal and Teeo: Out of character.

Jester: I just might never say it again.

"Jarnal. . ." Teeo started to go after him but ended up falling into the ashes again, unable to overcome the sharp pain in his lower body. "Aw, shit. not again. . ."

Characteristically, the dark man noticed and perhaps even more characteristic, Jarnal mocked him. He looked up with sexual... well, more questioning eyes. "Wait a minute... Lisette? Does this mean I'm a characteristically mean person? Lisette? Why are you all laughing at me.

T: You have a serious miscast on your hand.

Lisette: strikes Teeo: out of character! Out of character!)

*a shot fires out from the tower and the old Jarnal falls dead*

Lisette Jester: *Our Jarnal's wicked laughter echoes about the chandelier*

Lisette Jester: *a shadow falls across the wall then....*

Lisette Jester: *all is still once more*

Immortal Hudson: Darn. *races after evil Jarnal*

Lisette Jester: *Lisette watches amused as the young man wanders through the maze of the Chandelier searching*

Immortal Hudson: MUST HAVE CLONE! How can I be a bitch otherwise, hmm?

Lisette Jester: *door slams shut behind him*

Lisette Jester: *A dark voice chuckles* I'll show you how...

*jarnal slipping into Cimera's dark room*

The small form never moved as his hands traced up the long throat and his full lips plucked at the soft neck. "Sorry, sweetheart. It's just me again."

Teeo jumped around. "Oh goodie!"

"Teeo!" Jarnal threw himself back. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Cimera laughs in the side lines as the jester throws down her microphone and goes to pout and write poetry which will later be used as kindling.

"Ah shit!"Jarnal looked around shocked at the startling noises he heard behind him. The sudden splash of water and Teeo's upcry.

"Teeo!" He flicked the lights on quickly. "Teeo, are you all right..." He stared in shock at the array of unsavoury characters the lights had revealed.

A blockish man leaned against a wall not as if he was holding up the building but as if he was the building. "Bracha?"

At this huge man's foot was a tiny dog-like creature, a dwarf curled against his leg, hugging his calf and looking up at him with interested eyes. "Kayja?"

And then Teeo, pulled into Cimera's welcoming embrace and craddled in her arm inside the tub. He smiled lewdly up at Jarnal. "Teeo!"

Jarnal stepped back out of the room. "Man, this is so out of character..."

Teeo accepted the bottle of Absinthe the dwarf was extending. "So?"

Jarnal felt a trembled creep over his spine as the dwarf rose with a sensual smile. "Lisette! They're doing it again!"

"Lighten up, Big brother." Cimera lightly kissed Teeo's cheek, her eyes still on Jarnal. "We're just having some fun...right, baby?"

"I think we're gonna have a lot of fun." Teeo replied, smugly kissing her.

"Alright. So everybody's got their mate I'll just go now and avoid getting castrated in later chapters. " He felt a large hand clamp over his shoulder and turned around to look at the broad chest of a tall man. "Hello, Ronan..."

Jarnal whimpered plaintively. "Lisette...!"

Ronan pushed him into the dark room and shut off the lights. "Relax, kid. I ain't gonna hurt you...much."

"That is soooo cliche! Lisette would never let you say something that cliche..." As the door closed the deep laughter almost drowned out the helpless whimper. "I hate you all so very much...Just wait until the author wakes up...ah shit..."

*Issues with Kayja and Bracha*

He was still muttering angrily as he crawled back into a large dilapidated cart that belonged to the traveling peddler. The tall man with hunched shoulder and a brown ragged cowl turned to him. "How did it go, Kayja."

"I hate children!" The stunted man erupted in anger suddenly, loudly, attracting the attention of several natives. He adjusted his floppy black hat.

"Oh." The peddler nodded slowly. He turned to face the tiny man. "Good thing you can't get pregnant then."

"What?" The dwarf's accent was gone when he looked over at the larger man and laughed with him."That is soooo not in the script."

*

He was still muttering angrily as he crawled back into a large dilapidated cart that belonged to the traveling peddler. The tall man with hunched shoulder and a brown ragged cowl turned to him. "How did it go, Kayja?"

"I hate children!" The stunted man erupted in anger suddenly, loudly, attracting the attention of several natives. He adjusted his floppy black hat.

"Oh." The peddler nodded slowly. " Is that why you make so many movies for pedophiles?"

The dwarf chuckled. "Ja. Torture the bratz. Maybe we should pick this one up the next time ve make one."

"Daddy! That scary man is threatening me again!" Atrick's shrill voice rises off stage.

"We'll sue him after the movie."

"I hate lawyers."The floppy hat sagged and shook back and forth echoing the depressed gestures of the author's head.

*

He was STILL muttering angrily as he crawled back into a large dilapidated cart that belonged to the traveling peddler. The tall man with hunched shoulder and a brown ragged cowl turned to him. "How did it go, Kayja."

"I hate children!" The stunted man erupted in anger suddenly, loudly, attracting the attention of several natives. He adjusted his floppy black hat.

The peddler stared blandly at him a moment. "Um...Applesin?"

The narrow black eyes squinted low."What?"

"Is Danish for orange." The peddler shrugged.

"Is not." The dwarf replied, then drew in a deep breath and stated. "You spelled it wrong. Appelsin is the Danish word."

*

He was yet again muttering angrily as he crawled back into a large dilapidated cart that belonged to the traveling peddler. The tall man with hunched shoulder and a brown ragged cowl turned to him. "How did it go, Kayja."

"I hate children!" The stunted man erupted in anger suddenly, loudly, attracting the attention of several natives. He adjusted his floppy black hat.

For a moment only the birds chirped idling in the trees. Bracha continues to stare ahead deep in thought. After a longer moment the birds are realized to be a recording.

"Bracha!"

"What?"

The dwarf mumbled. "How difficult is this line. 'Oh.' Nod slowly stupidly. 'Not well then?'"

Bracha grinned over at him. "No, Kayja. Not vell. Zee little brat vas suspicious as everyvone else."

"Too bad." Kayja was silent a moment. "I knew he looked familiar when I saw him in the house..."

"Ja, you should pay more attention to the faces in those tapes."

The author looks up. "Wait...wait...wait... something's confused here."

The character's cackle.

*

"I vas stalking Cim'ra." The dwarf said excitedly.

Bracha shook his head annoyed."So? You always stalking somebody..."

"So..." Kayja explained to the brawny man. "Ci'era knovs da vay to da hoose."

Bracha leaned back a moment. "What the fuck did you just say?"

*

Kayja gently cuffed the giant's head, playfully grinning. "Who says ve tell him anything?"

Bracha looked at him blankly a moment then chuckled in understanding. Smiling, Kayja pulled the black hat over his eyes and sank down in the seat, satisfied by the evil he was plotting.

"Hey isn't Cimera the chick who convinced you to dress up as one of Santa's elves around Chapter 40?"

Kayja jolted upright and for a moment shouted and mumbled inarticulate curses at the taller man. He finally exhausted his form and putting his hands on his hips glared at the giant. "You ruining my moment of evil villiany end-of-chapter coolness stuff. I only get one of them."

Kayja sank down and crossed his arms to pout.

Bracha nodded understandingly. "Ronan is a far more convincing villain than you. Just look at all he did to the hero in the original. I mean killing the father and then poisoning the brothers and driving the mother to suicide just because she wouldn't sleep with him..."

"No, no, no, you idiot." Kayja growled. "I was the great villain of the original. Those were the lord's unexplored motives in this work now and I'm the one that pushed the father. Ronan's only villany in the original is that he inherits the hidden house and decides he wants to isolate Jarnal. I'm the one who makes him a slave! I arranged for his rape and enslavement. I killed the old man before Milik could buy a percentage of Jarnal from him! I even got him fired from the factory..."

"You did good."

"Yes I did." The dwarf growled. "Of course, that was all cut because somebody wanted to keep the story focused on the Teeo-Jarnal relationship rather than on all the cool stuff with Milik and Jarnal and me...Stupid poetic license."

"We should get one of those..." Bracha mused.

"Good idea." The dwarf nodded.

Smiling, Kayja pulled the black hat over his eyes and sank down in the seat, satisfied by the evil he was plotting...again.

Bracha smiled encouraged. "Maybe we should just plug the audience and ask them to demand that she post the ten chapter childhood part of the story?"

The dwarf proceeds to freak out."You're interrupting my villain moment again!"

"Well, it was a villain moment against the author so it's probably for the best." Bracha nodded understandingly and chucked the horse on.

*

Teeo was silent for a moment before he asked softly. "How old were you when your father sold you into slavery."

Jarnal sat silently never moving.

Teeo glanced left and right trying to figure out what he had missed. He nudged Jarnal and said softly: "You're line is 'It was three days after my tenth birthday.'"

Teeo gestured quietly. "Say it."

Jarnal continued to stare ahead in silent. Teeo nudged him. "Say something."

He didn't move. "Blink?"

He didn't change.

Teeo gently poked his arm, then jumped back with a girly squeal when the massive man toppled over like a sheet of paper." Jarnal! Oh no! Lisette! Lisette! He fell over and he's not moving!"

Lisette: His damn file folder isn't responding. Give me a minute.

Teeo: Oh... What did you put him in Glue accidentally.

Lisette: No, it just takes to much memory for me to deal with your shit and Jarnal's childhood junk at the same time. I guess I'll just glue Jarnal and delete you.

Teeo: *gulps nervously.*

*It took him longer than it should have for him to place it in the player. With absolutely no energy he folded back onto the couch and held the ice pack against his head again.

Rethinking the gesture, Teeo shifted the bag of ice underneath him and sighed after a moment. "Much better.

Lisette: Teeo, what the fuck are you doing?

Teeo: Adding some comic relief. This story sucks.

Lisette: You suck.

Teeo: Only dick. Sorry, babe.

Lisette: Just go back and delete the line. From now on you're not allowed to add any props.

Teeo: aw man..

Lisette: Just try to stick with the tone. This is a very dramatic realization coming up here.

Teeo: But my ass hurts!

Lisette: Teeo! I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Teeo: It's too late to write me out of the story. *throws the ice at her* So chill, babe.

Lisette: you are so going down, little man. *launches herself against the 'poor kitten'*

Jarnal: Quick everybody! She's fighting with her main character again! Yehaw!

*

"So Mr. Appelsin is a rich man?" Karth was intrigued.

"Umhum." Teeo nodded, uninterested. "Very wealthy, apparently."

"I wonder if he would buy Atrick from us." Karth mused.

Teeo laughed and Karth shrugged. "He might be a pedophile. You can never tell with those wealthy types."

Jarnal sighs from off stage. "Why does everything in this story go back to either incest or pedophila?"

Teeo continues to laugh.

*

He could just make out their speech. "Listen... N...Nana...we...wait a minute...Nana isn't right."

Annora laughs.

Teeo could just make out their speech. "Listen.. N... Nina? No? Um... Ninny? That's not it"

Annora settled back. "Nope."

Teeo could just make out their speech. "Whoa Nellie!

Annora burst into laugher. "Lisette! Come straighten this bozo out."

"Okay. I got it this time. Teeo can you hear us?"

"I can just make out your speech, Dude. You're doing fine."

"Listen... N... Norman."

"Norman!"

"It's not Norman..? Damn it, Teeo! You told me it was Norman!"

Annora storms off the set. "I can't take this anymore. If you need me I'll be in my folder. It has my name on it!"

Teeo glances over at Jarnal. "Well, that kinda ruins the start of the title chapter series doesn't it?"

"I'm gonna beat the crap of you, Teeo." Jarnal growls. "If the jester doesn't make glue out of you first."

Teeo nodded, groovin' like a surfing man. "Dude, you're really getting into that character."

Jarnal squints at him. "Who says I'm in character?"

"Oh..." Teeo slips away.

*

Jarnal stands forward and nervously clears his throat: "Um... on behalf of the author and the multiple people inside of her head I want to say thank you very much to every reviewer. We had kept track of everyone we wanted to thank but the list was really really really long... so um... I;m gonna give a speech instead I guess... please respond to the questions in your reviews of this final chapter.

"First of all where the hell did all those people come from in 69? I keep telling Lisette it's because of Ticces and Terra-bookie who saved the story from removal from fiction press just in the nick of time. All the characters thank you eternally... I only thank Terra-bookie... because I am not Teeo's queen..."

Teeo yells somewhere offstage: You know you are, sweety. Just open up and admit it to the world."

Jarnal blushes and goes back to the speech. "I would also like to thank uh... Princess Fluffy, for one reason or another she forced herself to read the entire thing in a loyal and dedicated fashion...Immortal Hudson/ Akira Thunderschild because he was cool and was reading for a while... don't know where he went to... I wasn't gonna thank anyone who didn't finish... But it's because of Jazzy Jane that the first chapter even got posted so... big thanks to her. Smeone else is gonna have to tell her because she never reads any of the author's stories to the end... Also thanks to thanks to the numerous others who started at the beginning and made it to the end as the author updated..." He looks up. "Numerous others? What numerous others? They all read the whole damned thing in three damned days when it was chapters from the end...

"The author also wants a less vague request from all the people who asked her if she had another story like this. Do they mean, twisting all the fuck over the place or do they mean slash which she's got plenty of posted if you read the author page thing... or something else that she probably has written somewhere in the stash of 636 unfinished and finished story files... uhmmm.

"Thanks to everyone who got to this page. Do not listen to Kayja and request the childhood thing... It's damned scary and the pieces and character's do not line up the same.... and uh.... Good night."

Teeo stalks onto the stage before Jarnal can bow and leave. "You didn't finish it."

"Yes. I did..." Jarnal said. "I don't like you're ending."

Teeo snatches the paper back."Well, I'll read it then."

Jarnal cringes. "Lisette's gonna yell at you."

"I'm fully published what do I care?" Teeo wondered, then lifted the paper and began to read. "Kayja was tortured to death in a chit chat prison."

"It's Chahit." Jarnal whispered.

Teeo continued chuckling. "The Lord had a heart attack taking a shit and died after losing nearly 800 pounds and becoming the gal-boy to nearly everyone in the prison including a gimpy man named 'Little dick'

"She's gonna kill you..." Jarnal murmured.

"Obron became leader of the village but retired and set the standard for two terms in office..."Teeo waved him off.

"I thought that was George Washington?" Jarnal glanced up.

"Shh. The government I created was perfect in every way and the town thrived forever." Teeo warned. "Karth later owned the carriage tourist business and became Mr. Appelsin's bitch when the secret agent moved back into the town."

Jarnal began. "He was a federal officer..."

Teeo interrupted. "Shut up you. I'm reading."

Teeo smiles back at the audience. "Atrick joined the circus and now sleeps with the monkeys."

"A worthy occupation." Jarnal contributed.

"Annora eventually was kidnaped by Dr. Subaltern and forced to work for him again in an Alaskan retreat. She later escaped with a shoe-salesman named Norman."

Jarnal groaned. "Oh will you knock it off. Things just didn't work out between us. There's no shame in that. Relationships fail all the time."

Teeo grinned over to him. "But you and I know why they failed."

Jarnal blushed and looked away.

"Cimera died." Teeo stated simply.

Teeo wrapped his arm around Jarnal. "And my honey and I moved into the big house on the hill and adopted two little babies and lived happily ever after. Isn't that right, sweetie?"

"The author is going to kill you." Jarnal shook his head.

Teeo replied. "But this will be posted and read so there's nothing she can do to take my bitch from me this time."

*the room darkens and until the author reads this later and realizes what she just typed all is well.*

Thanks for reading. I promise never to post such a long story again. But I would get all giddy if even half of you read any of the other things I have posted. I describe the stories in detail in my profile so please read and review and almost as importantly enjoy.

Also... who here thinks the half-baked Teeo should catch syphilis and die a long painful drawn out death? That's the only sequel I see in the future... Prologue could be arranged... though *wink wink*