One dark, long night, my most goodest happy fun fun female friend Ashleigh asked me to write a story. I said, “about what?” and she said, “I don’t care. Hamsters. Paperclips. Anything.”

This is the result.

(Note: I’m very, very sorry. I was tired. Oh so very tired. And I wrote this as a result. Yep. That’s all, folks.)

***

The dark figure stood over the table scattered with Bunsen burners and various glass containers. His hair was askew, like he had just put his finger in an electric socket. However, none of this could deter him from the task at hand.

"Igor!" he called. "Bring me the first experiment!"

"Yes, master," called the hunchback from the shadows. "Would you like the one the cute one, or the one that is ugly and covered in warts?"

"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times...Irish Dude is NOT to be experimented on! Bring me the cute one! NOW!"

"Yes, master..."

Igor approached the table, a small glass case covered with a white cloth in his hands. He smiled evilly before placing it down. "Master...he's ready!"

The scientist pulled away the cover gleefully and looked inside. Staring up at him, with beady black eyes, stood a fluffy white-and-brown hamster, his whiskers twitching wildly.

"Aww," said the scientist. "He's so cute and fluffy. I could almost eat him up...but, instead, I have to subject him to cruel, unusual experiments that don't really further science and instead just advance the plot of this story, which, in it's attempt to be funny and witty, is instead probably going to be laden with crude humor and lame gags. Oh well! C'est la vie."

Upon hearing this, the hamster squeaked. Oh, did he ever squeak. He squeaked in a way that could only be considered a hamster-like squeak. And thus...it was.

"Master, what do you think he is saying?" asked Igor.

"I don't know, Igor," replied the scientist. "He's just a stupid hamster. He's just squeaking out of his ability to squeak like an adorable fluffy hamster."

He couldn't be more wrong, however; in reality, the hamster was audibly plotting the human's demise. Soon, I will break free of my cruel accomadations...and I will wreak havoc upon the world! Nobody will be free from my evil hamster-like wrath of doom! Nobody!

"IGOR! PUT SQUEAKY INTO THE CENTRIFUGE!" screamed the mad scientist.

Fuck, grumbled Squeaky, unheard by either.

Around and around Squeaky spun until his little hamster head could take it no more. Cute little fluffy stars spun around his head, and his cute little eyes were going in wide ovals. His cute little whiskers were drooping, and he began to vomit cut little puddles of...y'know...onto the floor.

"Make a note, Igor," said the mad scientist, "that the cute little hamster does not do well in my cute little torture device."

Suddenly, there was the sound of breaking glass. Igor and his master both looked up just in time to see black figures crashing through windows high on the wall. They quickly rappelled down ropes to the floor, and in no time, the two were surrounded by...

"Ninja vampire zombie monkeys?" said the scientist quizzically.

"Of doom," added the head monkey.

"Of course..."

"MAD SCIENTIST GUY!" shouted the head monkey. "We hereby try you and your accomplice with attempting to make a mutant hamster!"

"My accomplice?" asked the scientist. "You mean Igor?"

"No," said the monkey, "we mean the author: Brandon."

From a side door, two monkeys carried Brandon, tied to a pole, into the main room.

"Ahem," said Brandon, calm in the face of danger. "I can't help stress enough how much I don't know this guy. Please...let me go.

"Quiet, human!" shouted the monkey, pointing a pointy stick at him.

However, before anybody could say or do anything else, a cute redhead entered the room from an undisclosed entrance. Her eyes burned furiously, and she strode right up to the head monkey. "So. Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Um...captured the author?" asked the monkey.

"NO!" she shrieked. "YOU'VE UNNECESSARIALLY PUT MY STORY ON HOLD! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT TO FINISH FOR A HALF HOUR!"

The monkeys scattered, and Brandon was left in the air without people to hold him up. He casually glanced at the floor. "Hmm...this is bad," he observed.

Thud.

"That was unpleasantly like being drunk," he muttered.

"What's wrong with being drunk?" asked the scientist.

"Ask a glass of water sometime," grumbled Brandon. (Douglas Adams, we‘ll miss you, old boy.) "A little help here? I'm still tied up..."

"GET THEM!" yelled the monkey-in-charge. A bitter fight ensued, monkeys poking the scientist, Igor, Brandon, and the mysterious red-head with their pointy sticks.

"We must find cover!" declared Igor, diving behind a table.

"No!" yelled Brandon, posing dramatically. "We must fight!"

However, after being brutally poked by a pointy stick, he changed his mind.

"We must run away!"

Suddenly, the scientist had an idea. "I have an idea!" he yelled. He ran to the corner of the room, and held up something...cute.

"Squeaky! Use your mutant hamster powers! NOW!"

The hamster looked up, puzzlement in his cute eyes. He wiggled his cute whiskers. He scratched his cute face. Then, he shot out cute laser beams from said cute eyes, and blew a hole in the cute wall, which exploded into chunks and crushed the not-so-cute monkey people things.

"There!" yelled the redhead. "A hole in the wall! We must escape!"

She turned, and saw that Brandon was not listening.

"I SAID, we must escape!" Still, Brandon ignored her. "What are you doing?"

Brandon finally looked up, wonder in his eyes. "Look! Paper clips."

He held out his hand and revealed several small, silver pieces of metal. The mysterious redhead stared at him. "Are you telling me that I'm waiting for you and putting my life in danger so that you can observe PAPER CLIPS?!"

Brandon considered. "Um...yes?"

She glared at him, then ran over and BIT HIM ON THE BACK OF THE NECK!! YEAH! Brandon yelped. "OK, OK! I'm going! Geez..."

And thus, they exited the room. Meanwhile, inside, Igor and the scientist were watching the cute hamster glow green and eat the monkey people things. "Good Squeaky! Attack, Squeaky! KILL, Squeaky!"

Unfortunately, Squeaky soon got a taste for killing. He proceeded to wipe all human life off the planet, and hamsters inherited the Earth.

THE END!