//winter solstice waxing//

i_

I started to write you a letter
on Sunday, but I only managed a lopsided "-dear- To you"
before I threw it
away because I knew it was just not right
to be writing to you on a holy (but not
sacred!) day while the rain was pouring down and lightning
causing children to hide under their beds

you would want me to write to you on a sunny ordinary day;
a day when I could be doing something productive or enjoying
life but instead choose to write

to you.
yes, you would like that.

there ended up being a flood;
right afterwards came sleet
then hailwindsno--

I never wrote to you.

ii_

I got my first(last/only) piece of mail from you yesterday;
it came in a large manila envelope with no return address and three
stamps perfectly licked and pressed onto the upper right-hand corner

one was a flower, half ripe and not yet ready for picking
the second was of Earth in space view, the light
beams forming colors of blue and violet mixed in with the black
and the last--

the last stamp was of a caged bird with the cage door open.
I knew there was something I hated(loved) about you.

inside was a picture
(and only one picture)
of when I was six

I remembered it well; it was the day
we hired a photographer to come and professionally
take pictures (mum was complaining we didn't have any
good pictures to send to family members), so dad, for the first time since I had
known, stopped drinking for more than 20 minutes, while
mum had actually put me in a dress and brushed
my hair, gracing it with a satin blue and pink bow

after I finished reminiscing (and cursing), I finally realized you had circled
our refrigerator in the background. which had nothing on it.
just a clean, white surface
no notes. no magnets. no 6-year-old-constuction-paper-drawings-with-a-butter-sun-and-blue-clouds pictures.
nothing.

on the back, you had scribbled in your messy
handwriting:
"I know why the caged bird doesn't escape"

iii_

yesterday was the winter solstice
it was also the shortest day of the year
and the day that I finally realized that
I didn't hate you.

maybe 6 months minus 1 day later, I'll have the courage
to tell you that I love you.