LOL

BRB

ROFL

Language is a precious thing. Without language we would have no way of communicating with each other. Without language we would have no way of recording our history and sharing our ideas. Without language, would we even be human?

So what’s the deal?

The use of, let us call it, "webspeak" is unfortunately a widespread problem. More rampant than AIDS in Africa, it creeps into our lives like a creeping vine of some sort and strangles the life out of our vocabulary until we are reduced to using barbaric creations such as "plz", "neway", "b4" and the ever-dreaded, "OMGLOLROFLMAO!"

Who do you think I am, a psychic who can derive the meaning of those hieroglyphics through some ancient black magic? What do these strange acronyms mean? Does it foretell some sort of ascent into a higher stage of humanity? Does it mark the end of verbal and textual communication, leaving us to utilize our powerful telepathic abilities? Is it a sign of the upcoming apocalypse?

Seriously, this is getting out of hand. It’s one thing to use improper grammar in casual conversation. It is quite another matter when it comes to textual messages. When I read an e-mail, I don’t want to see: "sry, i cant do it 2day, ill get it 2 u b4 tomrow tho." What the hell are those Elven runes supposed to mean? We’ve all grown up with computers and the Internet, it doesn’t take that long to type that one-line message on a word processor. Hell, I’ll do it right now. With my eyes closed.

"Sorry I can’t do it today, but I’ll get it to you tomorrow."

Simple. Simple enough to take up 3.7 seconds of my life anyway. Is life really that rushed and that occupied to warrant these convenient abbreviations of household words? Not only is it harder for me to decipher and read, but it really does make you look like an idiot.

Let’s take a look at some samples. This is an excerpt from an actual bio on . The name will be hidden for privacy’s sake.

******: hi!!! let me just use this opportunity to advertise my stories!! I write under ****** on , and under ****** on . so...when u hav finished reading this wonderful bio (which is only wonderful coz I'm writin sum of it) go read my stories!!!and review!!!! and I'm not stupid els!!!!!

******: thankyou, ******. I soooo really neede u 2 CRAP UP MY BIO U STUPID GIT!!! and the caps lock went weird dere but NEWAY!!!! and ive changed it BUT NEWAY!!! ahem!!! rite. about me. not nabs, ME. MOI. ICH. and loads otha crappy languages i don't kno. here goes...*takes deeeep breath...*

rite. my names r randomly els, ellie, elliephant, smeloise, loopy polymer (see fanfic) and otha stuff i canna remember.

ok, bored now.....

also, watch dis space for dis great fic im workin on...and it will be great...mwa ha ha...and there is noone here to interrupt my egoism, so double mwa ha ha...ha...ok, verrrrrry bored now...

ok, firstly, y de hell cant u do ...s on ur stories??? and hi 2 ****** has recently JOINED US...MWA HA HA...'n got a fictionpress pen name (******)...watch dis space 4 twiglet the headless willow deer, chipmunks and rubber ducks...all courtesy of ***** and *****...neway byeeeeeeeeee

Now what the hell was that? Is it so hard to extend the courtesy of regular English to your readers? I’m writing this on Word right now, and in the above sample, there is a squiggly red line under every other word. What does this tell you?

The above sample contained everything that can possibly go wrong with written language. Misspellings, non-capitalization, excessive exclamation marks, improper grammar (2 crap up my bio?! Translation please), imaginary words, and general disregard for every rule your 5th grade English teacher should have taught you. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to have access to a computer.

This kind of writing is prevalent mostly in chat rooms and instant messaging devices. Now the excuse goes that "the people I talk to are my friends, so they won’t mind my pathetic grasp of English as long as they understand it". Bullshit. It takes a surprisingly long time to fully comprehend that enigma you call a sentence. Not only is it taking up my energy to focus my brain in order to decode the words, but it is also a strain on the eyes when you have to look closely at the screen. I don’t about you, but I like my eyes, and I like the fact that I am able to see with them. If you don’t mind very much, I will not attempt to damage them by trying to interpret your typing.

There’s no reason to have to use webspeak. Typing words isn’t as hard and painful as you may think, unless you have carpal tunnel, in which case you shouldn’t even be using a computer. Typing requires no more energy than blinking, or taking a piss. Oh yes, I’m sure "webspeakers" felt very clever when they found out that "n-e" sounded the same as "any". And I’m certain it was a stroke of genius when they decided they could substitute these abbreviations in ordinary conversations. Besides, why type 3 letters when you can type 2 that sound the same? Saves time, and makes you look smart! And here, why don’t I spell out "stupid" in webspeak so you can understand? Stoopid!

Which brings me to the unpleasant subject of acronyms. Apparently some people think that using these pieces of gibberish is abso-tively a-okay! And who can blame them? Why, instead of typing "Hahahahaha!" to express your jubilance like one of those spineless conformist bastards, why not substitute LOL? After all, it paints a more vivid picture of you laughing out loud than the average "Hahahaha!" The best part is, you can just add extra OL’s to the end to increase your degree of laughter, or if you really want to knock their socks off, just type in ROFL to indicate the state of your bountiful mirth. There’s no end to the possibilities one can enjoy!

And it’s not just chat rooms and instant messaging. Through the magic of the Internet and the stupidity of kids, webspeak has continued to proliferate and grow as each day, new abbreviations and even more incomprehensible acronyms are created and added to the growing webspeak army. Only time will tell if one day webspeak will rise up and drown all the languages of Earth in a river of blood ten feet deep.

Remember, every time you decide to use webspeak, enough oxygen to feed a starving child in a third world country is wasted.

Think of the oxygen.