Continuing from my previous rant on webspeak, I now move into the rather foul and unpleasant domain of webspeak’s bastard son, leet-speak. Or if you prefer, 1337-speak. It really doesn’t matter which one, because I hate them both.

It isn’t enough that people have resorted to rewriting English in ways that they see fit. Now we add numbers and strange symbols into the proverbial mix. Webspeak was one thing. Leet is another.

For those of you not in the know, leet was borne out of those troubled times between the advent of Counterstrike and the coming of the next mod-patch. In those desperate times of turmoil, people were hunkered down, with their AKs and sniper rifles locked and loaded, and ready to blast the living crap out of anything with a pulse.

Of course, it usually took some time for the enemy to respawn after you’ve brutally "pwned" them. During this critical window of opportunity, resourceful players would gather at their foe’s respawning spot and camp like the cheap assholes they are. But we’re talking CS players here, half of them either stoned or Korean. What really happens between rounds is probably similar to this following conversation:

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: hey, lez go n bust sum ass

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: naw, dey sux0rz so much we dun need ta camp

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: so wut should we do til they respawn

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: u kno wut? I dun realy like using english 2 much

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: realy?

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: yea, u know wut im gonna do? lez make up a new language. y’know, like a code, our code

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: hey dat’s realy cool. wut are u gonna call it

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: lez call it leet speak

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: y?

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: well its like, "elite", but sayin "elite" wud be 2 conformist, so lez juss call it "leet", u know, 2 keep it real

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: yeah i got a better idea, lez use numbers and funky symbolz 4 words, y’know, to realy piss off every1 else

[FenixConection]Kikyur455: yea, dat’s a real sweet idea, lez go an make-

(GorillaWorfare)1Pwnedj00: IT’S FRAGGING TIME BIZZATCHES! [unloads half a clip of lead]

{1337Krew}FragginManiak: shit! they’re here already?! awww phuck! [gets shot, gives finger to another guy in LAN party]

The birth of leet. The unleashing of a plague. The beginning of the end.

Leet speak is undoubtedly the worst incarnation of webspeak. The basic premise is: substitute numbers and grammatical symbols for letters, which are then strung together like macaroni on a string into barely-recognizable masses that these people have the gall to call "words". For example, "4" would be used in place of the letter "a". The letter "n" would be "|\|". And so on.

Leet is also known as "hacker" language. I don’t really know why. I suppose that since leet is really only used on the Internet (thankfully) it would be associated with computer freaks and people who actually what a Unix platform is (and know how to use it). And we’re all aware that the "hacker" insignia is the highest possible status that can possibly be bestowed on a member of this strange subspecies of man. In fact, becoming a hacker, or "1337 h4x0r" is oftentimes the defining moment in a young computer nerd’s life, the rite of passage from mere hardware junkie into the true programmer’s circle.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that there’s no real point in creating an entirely different language in order to accommodate your h4x0r tendencies. In fact, Google has a translator that devotes an entire language to leet. I kid you not, just click on Language Tools, scroll down, and behold the idiocy of the Internet in all its stupidity-defying glory. This is a waste of my time and yours. At least in the case of webspeak, there was some viable excuse for using it: namely to save time. Brevity was key. But using leet only slows the communication process down, and while you may think it is amusing to act your age, I and anyone else with a lick of sense certainly do not.

Let’s take a look at a sample sentence.

I am a very intelligent person who has no intention of ever sinking down to the level of some idiots using this new language they call "leet".

Now let’s translate that sentence into leet.

1 4|\/| 4 \/3|2`/ 1|\|73|_|_163|\|7 |3|250|\| \/\/|-|0 |-|45 |\|0 1|\|73|\|710|\| 0||-| 3\/3|2 51|\||1|\|6 |)0\/\/|\| 70 7|-|3 |_3\/3|_ 0||-| 50|\/|3 1|)1075 |_|51|\|6 7|-|15 |\|3\/\/ |_4|\|6|_|463 7|-|3`/ C4|_|_ "|_337".

Take a moment to compare both sentences. How long does it take to read sentence one? Sentence two? It hurts my eyes just looking at that chicken scratch. You really think I want to read it?

The use of leet is growing at an alarming rate these days, and Internet cafes and expansion CDs aren’t helping. Not only is it tedious and painful to decrypt, but the typing process isn’t much easier. First, you have to memorize the entire leet alphabet so other 1337 speakers don’t point and laugh at your lack of 1337 skills, and failing that, ban you from their tournament game. Then you have to learn the grammar. Believe it or not, leet has proper grammar usage. I won’t go into it because that would no doubt corrupt the minds of millions of impressionable children. Also because I don’t feel like learning the grammar either.

Leet is like learning a foreign language, only it won’t make you smarter; on the contrary, it’ll reduce you to a pale-skinned mass of blubber and Doritos, eyes glued to the computer as you demonstrate your 1337 pwnage skillz and write incomprehensible sentences like "ph33r m3!" I suppose leet’s just another thing that violent and angsty teens invented to make themselves feel special, in a way that only violent and angsty teens can understand. I’m not a violent nor angsty teen, so I can only guess that leet is used to draw social lines, because it sure as hell isn’t a real language. Leet promotes cliques and groups. Kids, especially teens feel that it is necessary to belong to a certain group where they may feel at home. And what better way to stick together than to spew incomprehensible gibberish that no one else understands? Screw those webspeakers, we’re making our own language now, and it’s a lot better than yours!

Now that’s what I call freedom of speech. Making up a whole new tongue to express your individuality, is there a better way to waste your time?

There should be a program that teaches children about leet. It’ll be like the anti-drug commercials you see on TV, only this time it will preaches the perils of using leet and having your brain reduced to a viscous, pudding-like substance. The dangers are real, kids. It’s your future. Don’t do leet.

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