Last year I said I was okay with my sexuality.. I lied. Well, not that I lied, just that everything changed.

Summer was over and I was back to college, a second year, in my final year! Looking for to meeting all the new first year techies, several of whom I'd know since they were either on the First Diploma, repeating the year or they'd worked on Fame. There were two new techies, brand spanking new ones! Chris, who is nineteen and has spent the last eight years of his life in America, thus he has been christened 'the yank' and Cat.

Cat is a friend of Sara's (not the Sarah who was being a dick with me, but a very cool Sara who is a sound engineer and saved our asses during Fame). Getting back to college was hectic; us second years were straight into our production, directed by a guest director!

I was designing the lights for it, and so was a little stuck in places, but hell I gave it my best shot and all the tutors said it was the best lighting they'd had in the studio in a long time, and I secured my place in the performers eyes as a good techie.

This meant I didn't really have much chance to speak to our new techies, apart from Chris, Sara & Cat who all get on the same bus as me. My first impression of Chris was that he was a bit of a dick head; my first impression of Cat was that she seemed okay.

Now, I don't know if I've said before, but I'm short, and I mean pretty short. I'm 4ft 9, which you can probably imagine can cause some problems in a theatre environment. It doesn't matter that you have ladders for things, it still takes a lot of time since you have to make the ladders higher than usual and you need to climb , I said to my tutor that I wanted help from the first years with rigging. He agreed and so, here comes the get in and I've got first year assistance.

The get in went well, everything went up where it was supposed to be, I got to hear some feedback from the first years rigging and solve a few problems. The studio has a total of 96 dimmers, hooked up to 48 channels on the desk.. Usually we only use 48 dimmers, since we've only got 48 physical plugs (if we want more than 48 lights you pair the sockets up hence the more dimmers than sockets). For some unknown reason, half these sockets weren't working and I ended up with a light that was hung up over by socket 41, plugged in at the other side of the studio in socket 1.. Very annoying.

Anyway, I'm digressing..

Cat was someone I got on with instantly; similar sense of humour, that type of thing. I admit that I fancied her, and I admitted so when asked by two people. Forgetting that these two people have a habit of telling everyone else. I decided to tell Cat that I liked her before she heard it as a rumour, I didn't want there to be awkwardness; you know how it is when you've heard a rumour about someone, and then you're taking to that someone. it's weird and uncomfortable. As techies on the first and second year frequently work together, that weirdness can't exist. Yes, I did make the same mistake as I did last year. I told Cat.

We remained friends and since I wasn't spending time with the first years it wasn't like we were always in the same area.

The first year performance & technical course had their first show before Christmas. They helped me by rigging my lights, so I helped them rig their lights and paint the set. It wasn't just me helping; it was a case of anyone free second years would go help. As good mentors do.

This meant I was spending a lot of time around the first years. Also, there are only so many places you can go in the performing arts department, particularly if you're a techie. You can either go to the studio, the workshop, the control room or LF8 (our technical room). This means, you're most likely to encounter someone in the workshop, and then ten minutes later you'll encounter them in the studio.

Cat was having a bad time on the course, she wasn't enjoying it, and she still isn't. The week before the show, she decided she was going to quit. She felt alone, left out and that she didn't know anything. That's pretty much how I felt, so I talked to her. So did her best friend Sara (the good one). I said that she certainly wasn't alone, and everyone one of us felt like that when we first started, it's weird starting at college, and the reason why she joined the course was to learn. I told her to stick it out until after Christmas.

I also told Jane (one of the tutors) what had happened. Now the first years were due to take the pantomime out to a special needs school near college. The other first year techs were concerned, I spoke to Jane about it and she asked me if I thought me going along with them would help. I told her I didn't know. Which is true, would me going along with the first years make a difference?

It turned out that it did in the end.

I helped them get out, get in and secured lifts for Cat and Chris in the van.. Okay, Chris got packed into the back with the stuff. I tried to make Cat feel like she wasn't alone by being her friend. I helped when she asked for help, and I just generally chatted to her. We all did, all six of us second years.

Cathy (new head of department) asked me to come to the office, as she wanted to speak to me. She said that I had a right to know that I was being accused of sexual harassment, she said I wasn't to worry about it as it wasn't an official allegation, more of her (bet you can guess who) father getting concerned.

You have no idea how scared I was. Her dad is a copper.

I tried to forget about it all, get on as normal but it was there at the back of my mind all the time. I wasn't sleeping, I just didn't feel like eating and I couldn't get interested in my work, books or anything. I was sitting in LF8, the others were in a lesson (I didn't do that lesson as I hadn't chosen that unit). Dave Hornby (another tutor) came in looking for a techie, and asked me if I was all right. I just burst into tears. I told him what had happened, he hugged me and just let me cry. I said I was scared, he said I was petrified.

Now, Dave is a tutor who cared; he'd listen to your opinions and he'd offer his advice. He was a drama teacher, eccentric, daft and a natural performer. They sacked him, over an incident with the GNVQ Foundation group.

He went away to video a performance and came back, took Cat and me aside and talked to us both. He offered his outside opinion, I think it frightened Cat when he said that if it had got out what had been said, then there was the danger I could have been thought of as a sexual predator and who knows what else.

We made up.

But it's there, always in the back of my mind. No matter how friendly we are now, and no matter how much we talk even if it's just about Lord of the Rings, that thought is there. I can't trust her anymore. She's involved with my production company, but I don't want her to be, but I don't want to get rid of her.

Although after she was joining in with Carena and Dan on the bus drawing 'Death to Steph' messages (my name's Steph), I don't know what to think.

Early in the year she went through a hugely bad patch, she cut herself and she told us about it. Leroy (our tutor) was going to ring her parents about it, but we (as second years techies, well me and Elaine) confronted him. It's Cat's decision if and when she tells her parents, not his. Was it going to do Cat any good if she got off the bus to face her parents about it? No, it wasn't.

I suppose you could say me and Elaine had no right stepping in, but she was sitting in our room (we were in a lesson, well supposed to be) crying over it. That was the day she told us all, gathered all the techies together and told us what she'd done.

I think that's what's starting to hurt most, I mean, this all happened before and after Christmas and nothing has happened since February. What's starting to hurt is that I've listened to her when she's been upset and needed someone to talk to, ignoring that little shadow over our friendship, I've been there when she's needed to complain about someone or something. I've comforted her.

Now she's joined in with the 'Death to Steph' ideals.

It fucking hurts so much.

I've always struggled with my confidence, now I feel dirty.

It seems like this two years of technical theatre has been hell for the wrong reasons. I was screwed around in my first year by Sarah (there are too many damned first years about) and I've been screwed around with in my second year.

At the moment I honestly feel like I don't want to exist, but don't worry I'm not suicidal. I've just got a job; my theatre company is on its way to its first production and I feel confident that I am going to come out with three distinctions. But sometimes I just have to question whether all the hassle I've been through is worth it?

I am a good technician; my peers, colleagues and professionals we encounter have all said that. But how can I be honest with myself?

When I finally meet someone that I care about, how can I care about them? I'll have these memories, of caring for someone before and all the trouble it caused.