Chelsea: What is it John?
John: It says look at the fuel gauge.
(John looks down)
John: We're on empty.
Rem: Does it say anything else?
John: The exact words are 'Continue your search and look at the fuel
Jiru: That traitor! That scum! He left us for dead!
Dixon: Wait, I have an idea!
Sam: No you don't.
Dixon: Oh. My bad.
Brad: Is there any place to land down here so we can refuel?
John: Nope. We're just going to crash in the ocean.
Jiru: We'll have to refuel from here. Jake, Rem, Brad, go find some
fuel from the back.
Jake: I read a book about this sort of thing happening.
Rem: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Jake: Oh yeah.
(they go in the back)
Chelsea: *points* What's that in the water over there?
John: It looks like an island coming out of the water! Maybe we can
land there and wait to be rescued.
Jiru: It's worth a try. Go for it, John.
Brad: *calling from the back* These fuel barrels are full of taffy!
Dixon: Hey, that's my taffy!
Rem: What did you do with the fuel?
Dixon: I left it back in the rainforest.
(Jiru hits him)
Jiru: Why would you do that?!
Dixon: Well, it's no good to have fuel if we starve to death.
John: Everyone shut up while I try to land.
Jake: John, don't land there!
John: I don't have much of a choice. It's either there or the water.
Jake: John, no! Land in the water, but don't land on that!
John: Too late!
(the plane crash lands, but they're all right; they then climb out of
the plane and onto the seemingly uninhabited island)
Jake: We've got to get off this thing.
Sam: Shut up, dude. We don't have too many choices here.
Jake: I know what this is, and I know we've got to get off of it.
(the ground starts to move)
Jake: Too late! Everyone, inside!
Chelsea: Inside what?
Jake: Follow me!
(Jake runs through the jungle until he comes upon an entrance of a
temple; he then runs inside and once everyone is in the entrance closes)
Jiru: Ok Jake, you've got some 'splainin' to do.
Jake: We're on the back of Atlanis.
Dixon: Did you say Atlantis?
Rem: What do you mean 'on the back'?
Jake: Like I said, we're on the back of Atlantis.
Chelsea: Isn't Atlantis some lost continent?
Sam: And how do you know about it?
John: Jake, maybe you should just plain start explaining everything
from the beginning.
Jake: Well, I was looking for her with so many others-
John: Not that beginning. Anything you know about this island.
Jake: Well, while you all were busy looking around that pyramid, I
uncovered something more sinister.
Sam: But you were with me the whole time in the pyramid. How could
you have uncovered anything without my knowing about it?
Jake: First off, on the wall that Chris pressed to enter the room
with all the out-of-place items I noticed that there was an unusually low
amount dust and mildew compared to the surrounding areas. I first ignored
the thought, seeing how there was an obvious amount of more touching to
that wall than the others, but something quickly changed my mind.
Jake: Well, while all of you were awing Jiru's dagger, I was
investigating some of artifacts and I found this piece of paper.
(Jake takes a piece of paper out of his pocket)
Jake: I didn't have chance to read it before Sam pulled me into the
hidden passageway, but I read it later.
Rem: So, what is it?
Jake: Chris left it behind. It's a little doodle of a giant turtle
with a huge temple on its back. It occasionally surfaces in a consistent
pattern and it also described that pattern.
Chelsea: Does that mean Chris is here?
Jake: More than likely.
John: So why didn't you want me to land here?
Jake *shrugs* Just wondering how you'd react.
Jiru: So what's down here?
Jake: Let's explore and find out!
(they explore the suspiciously well-lit tunnels until they come to a
Dixon: So what now?
Jiru: I suppose we split up. Brad, Chelsea, and Jake, you take the
left. John, Rem and I will go straight, and Dixon and Sam go right.
Dixon: You're not the boss of me.
Sam: Yeah, forget you!
(Brad, Sam, and Rem go left, Jake goes straight, Chelsea, Dixon and
John go right; Jiru sighs and follows Jake)
Brad: What do you think we'll find?
Rem: I think it's going to be a giant robot.
Sam: It's always a giant robot with you isn't it?
Rem: No, just with temples atop of giant turtles.
Sam: So what, that's like five times?
Brad: How long until we find anything?
(a giant swarm of insects appear out of nowhere and engulf Brad)
Rem: Maybe we should run.
Sam: And leave Brad here to die?
Rem: Uh, yeah.
(Rem and Sam run past Brad and the bugs until they reach the end of
the tunnel and into a huge audience room filled with gold coins)
Bradi: What are you two doing here?
Sam: It's a monster! Kill it!
(Sam pulls out a huge machine gun and fires wildly into the audience
room; Bradi takes cover under a mound of coins)
Rem: Sam, calm down! It's just Bradi! Remember Bradi, our guide that
Sam: *lowering the gun* Oh, yeah. Was she always that ugly?
Bradi: I'm not ugly!
(a giant robot emerges from the giant mound of coins with Bradi
controlling it inside)
Rem: I hate it when I'm right!
Narrator With A Big Nose: With Brad fallen and Rem and Sam having to
deal with a giant robot, I can honestly say this story has entered a new
level of bizarre. What horrors await Jake and Jiru as they venture deep
into the dank tunnels of this mysterious temple?
Dixon: Where are we?
John: Um, we aren't supposed to be on now.
Chelsea: Yeah, you specifically said 'Jake and Jiru.' I'm not ready
for the camera yet.
(Writer: Narrator Whatever, what do you think you're doing?)
Narrator With A Big Nose: I pressed the wrong button! I'm sorry!
(Writer: You know I can't have this sort of thing happening. Do you
realize how expensive this is for me? Do you think it's cheap? I'm not made
of money you know!)
Narrator With A Big Nose: It will never happen again! I promise!
(Writer: It better not, for your sake.)
Narrator With A Big Nose: Now we shall check on Jake and Jiru.
Narrator With A Big Nose: *no audio* Oh no! Um, here's that button!
Jiru: *no audio* Jake, what do you think we're going to find?
Jake: *no audio* What?
Jiru: *no audio* I said, 'What do you think we're going to find?
Jake: *no audio* *screams* WHAT?!
Jiru: *no audio* *screams* I SAID, 'WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO FIND?
(Writer: *no audio* Narrator Whatever? *clears throat* *audio
returns* Narrator Whatever, what did you do?)
Narrator With A Big Nose: I put it on Jake and Jiru like you said.
(Writer: What button did you first press?)
Narrator With A Big Nose: I didn't press any other button!
(Writer: And what happened to the audio?)
Narrator With A Big Nose: It's still there.
(Writer: After I fixed it. Now there are only two people who can mess
with the audio, and I didn't do it. That only leaves one person left.
Narrator With A Big Nose: I swear, I didn't touch it!
(Writer: Just like this live land mine, huh?)
Narrator With A Big Nose: What land mine?
(land mine explodes)
(Writer: So listen kids, steer clear of live land mines. Now for a
New Narrator: Hmm... So what's this button do?
(Writer: NO! Not that one!)
(button pressed; alarm wails)
(Writer: On! Ev'ouy edam su klat sdrawkcab! Ouy Toidi!)
Wen Rotarran: Yrros.
(Writer: That's better.)
(Writer: I need a narrator that can work the buttons correctly. I
can't believe I've never had this problem before. I've got it!)
Dixon: Where are we again?
(John and Chelsea beat Dixon to a bloody pulp)
(Writer: Now let's try this.)
Ghost Dixon: What? No, that's not cool. You mean I'm the first to
openly die? You know, since Brad's death isn't confirmed yet or anything.
Ghost Dixon: Well that's a load of crap. Who would've ever guessed
someone named Ghost Dixon would be the narrator?
(Writer: You can work the buttons, right?)
Ghost Dixon: Yeah. It's strange... it's almost as if I've done this
(Writer: Good. Get to work.)
Ghost Dixon: I hope they all die! Jake, you die first, and then Jiru.
Jiru: Jake if you have any idea what we're going to find, you better
speak up now.
Jake: I'm pretty sure Chris is somewhere in this temple, but chances
are we won't find him just yet.
(Chris appears around the corner with a gun pointed at them)
Jake: But, what do I know?
Chris: I didn't expect you to solve all the riddles this quickly.
Jiru: And I didn't expect you to betray us.
Chris: Yeah, I did that pretty well. *laughing* Man, you should've
seen the looks on all your faces. 'Oh no, Chris jumped out of the plan!
We're doomed! Ah!' It was classic.
Jiru: You're insane!
Jake: Wrong, he's just a little crazy.
Jiru: This is no time to argue with me.
Jake: *rubs head* Hey, what was that for?
Chris: Silence! Now you two die.
(gun fires; Jiru pulls out her katana and slices the bullet into two
Jiru: *lowers her katana* I believe death shall fall upon you,
(Jake pulls out the Assyrian sword)
Jake: Sorry Chris.
(Jake and Jiru charge him with their weapons; Jiru knocks away all
bullets; Chris drops down a trap door that Jake and Jiru can't open)
Jake: Look what you did, Jiru.
Jiru: Me? You're the one that apologized to him!
Jake: What does that matter? It's you fault.
Jiru: It's no one's fault.
Jake: You're just saying that because it's your fault and you won't
Jiru: Jake, please shut up.
Jake: So you do admit it! It was your fault!
Jiru: No, I'm just sick and tired of hearing your voice! Now let's
just finish exploring this tunnel.
(Jiru starts walking; Jake slowly follows her)
Jake: Oh, great idea. That way Chris can come up from beneath this
trap door and kill us from behind. He's stick the knife in the back and
twist. But obviously that's what you want.
Jiru: Just as long as it happens to you.
Jake: Jiru, how are you ever going to defeat a swarm of flying
monkeys with that little katana blade?
Jiru: Are there flying monkeys?
Jake: Yeah, and a witch. The witch you can just spit on and it will
melt. Oh, and there's a scarecrow, tin man, and lion, too.
Jiru: Jake, we're not in Oz.
Jake: But I'm following a mellow stick ho.
(Jiru turns around and swings her katana; Jake stops it with his
Jake: No reason to get angry, Jiru. Just make sure you still have you
Jiru: You are really starting to annoy me.
(the tunnel stops at a dead end)
Jiru: Great, a dead end.
Jake: Oh, so Chris was just waiting around right there for no reason.
Get real Jiru.
Jiru: Since when do you start talking to me like that?
Jake: This place just brings out the worst in me. Let's just find the
(they start looking for the switch; gun shot; Jake falls to the
ground; Jiru turns around to see Chris)
Chris: See you, Jiru.
Ghost Dixon: Yea! More people died! I hope those two murderers will
(John and Chelsea stop hitting Dixon's body)
John: *sweating* Why'd we just kill Dixon?
Chelsea: *sweating* Don't know. It just came over me.
John: I liked it. Let's hit him some more.
(John and Chelsea hit Dixon's corpse)
Chelsea: Ok, now we have to get to work.
John: Forward then.
(Chelsea and John start to walk forward; John turns around and kicks
Dixon's body then turns back around)
Chelsea: So John, did you see that sky the other day?
John: Yeah. Talk about blue.
(they arrive at a sealed door)
John: Allow me.
(John kicks and pounds the door without doing anything; Chelsea
presses a button, the door opens and John falls in a pit of water)
John: Why is there a small pool of water at the entrance to this
Chelsea: *stepping around the water and into the room* Whoa. Will you
look at this place?
(John looks around and finds a torture chamber with the walls that
are constantly changing)
John: *getting out of the water* What is this place?
Chelsea: I have no idea.
Bryan: So, you've found us.
John: Bryan? But I thought you were dead!
Lyndsay: *from behind them* Nope, we're alive and well.
(Lyndsay pistol whips John and he falls down to the ground, she then
points the gun at Chelsea)
Lyndsay: You're coming with us.
Ghost Dixon: Yea! John's dead!
(Rem and Sam take cover under a mountain of treasures)
Sam: How do we take out a giant robot?
Rem: Easy. With a dragon!
(Rem stands up and raises his fist; Sam pulls him back down)
Sam: Get down. We don't have access to a dragon.
Rem: We're screwed.
Bradi: You can't hide in there!
(the robot arm swings around and takes out the mountain they were
Bradi: Come out and play, little kids!
Sam: That's it; that nasty wench is going down!
(Sam pulls out her giant gun again and fires at the giant robot; the
robot takes many hits, dies, and Bradi falls out of it)
Bradi: What? Not my robot!
Rem: Bradi, why did you try to kill us?
Bradi: You're too close! I'll have to take drastic measures!
(Rem jumps at her and grabs the pay phone out of her hands)
Rem: Use 1-800-COLLECT to make your collect calls.
Bradi: That's easy and smart!
Sam: 1-800-COLLECT: Save a buck or two.
Bradi: *talking on the phone* Cages, fall.
(two cages fall where Sam and Rem had previously been standing)
Rem: Um, we're standing over here now.
Bradi: Right. Cages, fall.
(two more cages fall on Sam and Rem)
Bradi: I caught you!
(Sam and Rem break through the cages)
Bradi: Darn it, I knew I shouldn't have made those cages out of balsa
Rem: Listen, why don't you just explain to us what's going on here?
Bradi: I can't!
Sam: *puts her giant gun up to Bradi's face* I think you can.
Bradi: No, he'll kill me!
Sam: What makes you think I won't?
Rem: Who will kill you?
Bradi: Yes, Bumstrong. It's short for Banana-Uana-Manana-Stanana-Tana-
Ranana-Olana-Nananana-Guhh. Some people use his nickname, Atlantis, but he
doesn't like that very much.
Sam: *raises gun higher* You're making that up! No one's name is that
stupid. That would be like having your name Jiru or Rem. Or even spell your
name wrong like Lyndsay with a 'y' or Bradi with an 'i.' It's just dumb.
(Rem and Bradi stare at her)
Sam: I'm just saying what everyone thinks. You two have dumb names.
Rem: Bradi, who is Bumstrong?
Bradi: The turtle.
Ghost Dixon: *laughing* He, he. Bumstrong.
(Jiru dodges the bullet)
Jiru: Chris? Why? Why are you doing all this?
Chris: Well, I was just planning on killing you in a matter of
seconds, but I guess I can spare about twenty maybe thirty minutes with
this gun pointed at you explaining stuff.
Jiru: Um... ok.
Chris: Silence! Let me start from the beginning. I found this turtle,
Bumstrong, and he allowed me to build a giant temple on his back. He gave
me his surfacing schedule and I decided this would be the perfect place to
put all my stolen goods until I found a buyer.
Jiru: But why did you need us to go on that stupid wild goose chase?
Chris: Silence! That's simple; I knew you six were the best
detectives in the world-
Jiru: Chris, we're not detectives.
Chris: Silence! Regardless, I knew you would've caught me if I didn't
act fast. You may have noticed you haven't had your cell phones or beepers
this entire trip?
(Jiru looks down and realizes she doesn't have any form of
Chris: Silence! The main investigators were going to recruit you six
because of your past experiences.
Jiru: We don't have any past experiences, either.
Chris: Silence! You play video games, don't you?
Jiru: I didn't think that really counted-
Chris: Silence! I set up a very elaborate plan hat would send you
helpless around the world for over a year while I hid all evidence of my
crimes. Unfortunately you stumbled upon this turtle and found everything I
was trying to hide.
Jiru: What about the stuff falling from the sky?
Chris: Silence! I used a catapult from miles away.
Jiru: You couldn't have used a plane or anything?
Chris: Silence! I had Bradi shoot the catapult with her giant robot.
Jiru: She has a giant robot?
Chris: Silence! Bryan and Lyndsay also made the temple fall on
Jiru: But why kill us?
Chris: Silence! You now know too much!
Jiru: But you just sat here and told it to me. What was the point of
Chris: Silence! Before you died I wanted you to know the genius of my
Jiru: You're insane!
Jake: *gets up* Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence! I think you need
a nice warm bowl of SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Jake punches Chris in the face and steals his gun)
Jake: Silence us now, punk!
Chris: But I-
(Jake shoots Chris repeatedly in the chest and he falls to the ground
Jiru: I thought you were dead.
Jake: Bulletproof vests, remember?
Jiru: Oh yeah. Don't you think he might have a bulletproof vest?
(Jake picks up his sword and stabs Chris in the heart; Chris burst
Jake: Well would you look at that? Chris was a vampire the whole
Jiru: Jake, something doesn't smell right here.
Jake: Don't look at me.
Jiru: Let's hurry up and find the switch to this door.
(they search around and eventually find the switch; the door lifts up
and they go in)
Jake: Another tunnel?
(the door slams shut)
Jiru: What was that?
(they run back to the wall and can't get it open)
Jiru: I think we're trapped in here.
Jake: Oh, you think?
Ghost Dixon: They'll starve to death! Yeah. Lyndsay is escorting
Chelsea down the hall and Bryan is dragging John next to them. Begin.
Chelsea: I think John needs medical attention.
Lyndsay: Shut up or else I'm going to move away and not say good-bye!
Chelsea: What? That doesn't make any sense.
Bryan: *ogle* So Chelsea, How about we leave this place and go find a
Bryan: Bless you.
Chelsea: What is wrong with you two?
Bryan: What do you mean?
Lyndsay: Keep walking; we're almost there.
Chelsea: Where are we going?
Bryan: You just leave that to me.
Bryan: You'll see.
Chelsea: Lyndsay, do you mind making him either shut up or make
Chelsea: *sigh* Fine, be that way.
(Chelsea's left foot hits the side of her right one while walking; a
blade comes out of the back of her right shoe; she then kicks upward and
stabs Lyndsay in the wrist, knocking the gun out of her hands; Chelsea
grabs the gun in midair, shoots Bryan's arm, he drops John to the ground
and falls down himself, and then she points the gun at Lyndsay and open
Commercial Guy: This is a commercial! Tonight a 9, see the brand new
reality show, The Pit, where a large group of strangers divide into two
groups each week and compete against each other. The losing team votes for
one of it's members to be thrown into The Pit, where he or usually she will
be torn to shreds by whatever is found in The Pit! Here's a clip:
(a group of people are in a circle on the opposite side of a pond of
another group of people)
Shannon: I don't want to be leader of Team Wallaborough-Greygorthion!
Emily: But it's your turn!
Ben: Look, a duck! We can cook it and turn it into roast goose!
Shannon: Aw, why are y'all doing this to me?
Morgan: We have to! Just look at Team B!
(over on the next group of people)
Lena: Ok, who's leader?
George: I'll be leader.
Commercial Guy: And it doesn't stop there! This challenge will be one you
don't want to miss!
Erica: NO! Shannon!
(clip of Shannon falling in midair)
Commercial Guy: And it doesn't stop there!
Emily: What do you mean a giant alligator ate him?
Commercial Guy: And you won't want to miss this!
Morgan: Lena, I've got a plan.
Morgan: It's quite simple: We kill Ben.
Commercial Guy: It's all on the next episode of The Pit!
Rem: What do you mean the turtle will kill you? How?
Bradi: He'll release a deadly toxin in all the chambers.
Sam: Won't that like kill all of us?
Bradi: No, just me. The toxin is designed the attack my DNA.
Rem: Then I have no problem with him releasing that toxin.
Bradi: But Rem, chances are he'll release a toxin with you're DNA
Sam: *raises gun* I'm willing to make that risk.
Rem: *nervously* Hold on just a minute. What about Sam? Can he
release a toxin for her?
Sam: Oh, so now he's too good to kill me, is that it? *shouting* I'M
NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, BUMSTRONG?
Bradi: Sam, shut up. The reason he can't kill you is because-
(something explodes behind them; they turn to look at it and Bradi
runs out the new hole in the wall)
Rem: Follow her!
(Sam and Rem run through the hole and then realize outside the hole
in a long, long drop; they fall)
Sam & Rem: AAAAHHHHHH!
(they fall in a swimming pool full of Jello)
Sam: I always wanted a swimming pool full of Jello! This is like a
dream come true!
Rem: Help, I'm drowning!
Sam: I'll save you!
(a light appears around Sam and the Jello parts to the side)
Rem: Uh, how'd you do that?
Sam: I have no idea. I had a dream once that I did something like
(they get out of the swimming pool and look around)
Rem: I can't see a thing. How come you have that light around you?
Sam: Maybe I'm special.
Rem: Mentally special.
Sam: I want some light.
(the room lights up; they find that it's just a big room with a
swimming pool full of Jello on one side and two identical doors on the
Rem: Which door did Bradi go in?
Sam: There's only one way to find out.
(Sam and Rem walk over to the doors)
Sam: I'll take the right one, and you take the wrong, I mean left,
(they go in their doors and appear next to each other in the same
Sam: *shrug* Who would've guessed they both led to the same room?
Rem: Look ahead, two more doors.
Sam: Ok, I'll take right again.
Rem: Ok, here goes.
(they put their hands on the doorknobs and turn)
Ghost Dixon: I hope they die. You know, just a little bit.
Chelsea: *points gun at Bryan* Get up!
Bryan: You shot my arm!
Chelsea: GET UP!
(Bryan gets up holding his bleeding arm)
Bryan: I think I need serious medical attention.
Chelsea: You've got some serious explaining to do. Why are you here,
and what is this place?
Bryan: I don't know!
(Chelsea shoots the tip of his ear)
Chelsea: Tell me!
Bryan: I don't know. Lyndsay knew it all; I was just following with
Chelsea: What is their plan? Who are they? Explain everything!
Bryan: *cowering* Don't shoot me again!
Chelsea: *behind her teeth* Then talk!
Bryan: Ok, Lyndsay said there was a wonderful moneymaking
opportunity; all I had to do was what she said and not ask any questions. I
really don't know what's going on, and you killed your only chance at
Chelsea: Then there's no reason to leave you alive, is there?
Bryan: *calmly* I guess not, huh?
Bryan: Go ahead. Kill me. I'm ready.
Chelsea: I can't kill you now. You've ruined it.
Bryan: Fine, don't kill me.
Chelsea: *raises gun* Ok, now I can kill you.
Bryan: *shrugs* Go ahead.
Chelsea: You aren't afraid I'm going to kill you?
Bryan: Could be worse.
Chelsea: Worse? What could be worse than my shooting and killing you?
Bryan: *shrugs* Could be stabbed.
Chelsea: Well, I think I have a knife somewhere.
(Chelsea takes out a knife)
Bryan: *mockingly* Oh no, little Chelsea's going to stab me with her
big ol' knife. Of, I'm shaking in my boots. Wooooo.
(Chelsea stabs Bryan on his right chest; he stares at her and
evaporates into nothingness)
(she kneels near John)
Chelsea: John, are you ok?
Lyndsay: *standing behind her* Not as ok as you're going to be!
Chelsea: Does. does that even make sense?
Lyndsay: Shut up!
Chelsea: How are you still alive?
Lyndsay: The real question is, was I even dead to start with?
Chelsea: No, that's not the question I was looking for.
Lyndsay: Let me try it again. You say your line.
Chelsea: Which one?
Lyndsay: 'How are you still alive?'
Chelsea: Well, no one's killed me yet.
Lyndsay: Chelsea, this isn't in the script.
Chelsea: *sigh* Could you be any worse? How many of the producers are
you sleeping with again?
Lyndsay: *rubs arm and looks down* All of them.
Chelsea: Ugh, once my movie deal comes through I'll never have to put
up with you again.
John: Yeah, and once my new reality show I'm directing makes it big,
I'll make sure you never work in this business again.
Chelsea: The Pit is never going to be big, ok?
John: Sure it will; it's got lots of great surprises in it.
Chelsea: But it's all been done before. You need something fresh.
John: How many other reality shows had the losers torn to bits?
Chelsea: Twelve, not including The Weakest Link.
Lyndsay: Look, I'm sorry. Let's just take it from the top.
John: Who put you in charge?
Lyndsay: No one, but we've got to get this done.
Chelsea: Listen, little-miss-I've-just-started-this-business-because-
I'm-a-total-whore, no one, and I mean no one tells me what to do. Got it?
(Writer: *ah-hem* Your contract.)
Chelsea: John, quick, on the ground.
(John gets back on the ground)
Chelsea: How are you still alive?
Lyndsay: There's more to this place than you could possibly imagine,
(Lyndsay drops her gun)
(she quickly tries to pick it up)
Chelsea: *sigh* Can we cut? Would that be good? Cut!
Ghost Dixon: Um. here I am! Twenty minutes early. he.he.he.well,
would you look at that? Over there. Quick, look!
Chelsea: How are you still alive?
Lyndsay: There's more to this place than you can possibly imagine,
Chelsea: Start explaining everything.
Chelsea: If you haven't noticed I'm the one with a weapon here, not
you, so unless you want to really die this time you better start
Lyndsay: You won't get anything out of me without the Magic Word!
Chelsea: Magic Word? You mean please?
Lyndsay: Darn, you got it. Ok, here's the deal-
Ghost Dixon: INTERRUPTION! HAHA, now you have to wait! *blows
Sam: *opening the door into a room filled with pictures of Sam* Huh?
What is this?
Jake: *lustfully* Why hello there? I wasn't expecting. company.
(Sam turns around to look at him)
Jake: *repulsed* Ugh! Sam, gees girl, what are you doing here?
Sam: What are you doing here? And what is this room? Why am I all
Jake: What? *looks around at all the Sam pictures* You are
everywhere! Sam, it looks like you have a stalker.
Sam: I do not!
Jake: *like a little kid* Sam has a stalker! Sam has a stalker!
Sam: Shut up!
Jake: Sam and her stalker sitting in the tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Sam: *crying* Quit making fun of me! I'm telling!
Jake: Don't be such a baby.
Sam: *drying her tears* Sorry. Seriously though, what's going on
here? How did you end up here?
Jake: The real question is 'How did you end up here?'
Sam: No, that's not a question I would've asked.
Jake: More like, that IS a question you would've asked, nerd.
Sam: Do you just not make sense on purpose, or, I don't know, what's
the deal with that?
Jake: I'm really bad at this. I should hire a professional writer to
write my comebacks.
Sam: What are you talking about?
(Bradi falls from the ceiling)
Bradi: How'd I end up here?
Jake: I'll make you end up here!
Bradi: You're one of them!
Sam: What? What's going on?!
(Bradi takes out a knife and stabs Jake in the heart; he
Sam: What did you do you evil slut?
Bradi: Sam, magic does exist!
Sam: Some kind of magic must've just taken place there! First you try
to kill me with a giant killer robot, and now this.
Bradi: I don't have a giant robot.
Sam: Not after I destroyed it you don't.
Bradi: Sam, listen to me, this turtle is evil. He's taken hold of
Chris, Bryan, Lyndsay, and me and formed these weird look-a-likes of us. I
think he now has Brad, Jake, and Jiru, and it won't be long before he takes
hold of everyone else.
Sam: But why is he doing all this?
Bradi: Well, before I managed to escape down a trap door I found out
one thing: He's in love.
Sam: In love? What is he, a woman?
Bradi: Sam, he's obsessed.
Sam: But what's he in love with?
Bradi: Look around.
Ghost Dixon: Ha, ha! Sam has a stalker, Sam has a stalker!
(Rem opens a door and is sucked into a large membrane prison and is
attached to several cords)
Rem: What the crap's going on here?!
Chris: Calm down or else you'll never get any information from
(Rem looks around to see Chris, Bryan, Lyndsay, Brad, Jake, and Jiru
in similar traps)
Bryan: Every thousand years Bumstrong turns human. Last year he
turned human and met Sam in a park. Ever since then he's been madly in love
with her and is stealing all her known friends and making weird look-alikes
of them. The problem is Bumstrong isn't very witty and can't do well in
arguments, and since Sam loves to argue his love can never be fulfilled.
Lyndsay: Plus he's a giant creep turtle!
Jiru: For all we know he could've killed everyone else by now and
trapped Sam until he becomes human once more.
Brad: Why doesn't he just turn her into another giant turtle?
Jake: He could turn us all into giant turtles and we could have a
giant turtle army and rule the world! Once we've taken over the world pigs
would fly and mice would crawl around with little hats and dictionaries
would contain more words and a moose would destroy forests and olives would
taste like pickles!
Chris: Or you could shut up and stop being so stupid. No dictionary
would ever contain more words.
Rem: How do you guys know all this?
Lyndsay: The probing. It's all about the probing.
Rem: When does it stART!?!
Ghost Dixon: Now back to Chelsea and John.
Chelsea: You didn't tell me anything. You just said 'here's the deal'
and that was it.
Lyndsay: Oh. Well, I'm not really Lyndsay. I'm just a creature
unstably cloned from Lyndsay by Bumstrong, the turtle you are in. I'm not
Chelsea: So why are you afraid to die?
Lyndsay: Do you have any idea it is to make someone like me?
Bumstrong isn't made of money, you know. He can't just have us dying all
Chelsea: But I killed you and nothing happened, but when I killed
Bryan he disappeared.
Lyndsay: You stabbed him in the heart, like a vampire. That's the
only way to kill us. That and country music.
Chelsea: Well, that's all I need to know.
(Chelsea stabs Lyndsay in the heart; she disappears)
Chelsea: John, are you ok?
(Chelsea kneels by John; he doesn't move)
Chelsea: I'm going to get you help John. Just stay there!
(Chelsea runs down a hallway until she finally gets to a door; she
opens it and ends up in a room filled with treasures)
Chelsea: What is this?
Jake: *appears from behind a mound of treasure* Chelsea, it's about
time you showed up.
Jiru: *appears from behind a mound of treasure* We were getting
Chelsea: What are all of you doing here?
Brad: *appears from behind a mound of treasure* This is our new home,
Chelsea. Won't you join us?
Rem: *from behind her* Join us Chelsea.
Chris: *from behind her* You won't regret it.
Chelsea: You guys, Lyndsay and Bryan just shot John. He needs help-
Bryan: *appearing behind a wall* He needs no more help.
Lyndsay: *from her side* Don't be afraid.
Chelsea: No, this isn't happening-
Everyone: *walking toward her* Join us Chelsea. Join us. Join us.
Ghost Dixon: Uh-oh. This does not look good for Chelsea.
Sam: *freaking out* This has got to be the creepiest room in the
world. And yet, I'm flattered.
Bradi: Sam, we've got to take down this turtle or else he's going to
kill all our friends. Some of them could already be dead by now!
Sam: *nervous* What do you want me to do? Huh?
Bradi: We've got to get them our of that membrane room. Then maybe
the copies will disappear.
Sam: *scared* Yeah, I never did find yours that I was chasing.
Bradi: Let's go.
Sam: *hesitant* I can't just leave. He's looking for me, isn't he?
Shouldn't he know where I am?
Bradi: Do you know where all the things inside of you are at all
Sam: I guess not.
Bradi: He can only find you through the copies, and he only has
copies in that membrane room.
Sam: Well, where is it?
Bradi: *points to a door* Through there.
(Sam and Bradi go through the door and enter the room with all their
Jiru: Sam! Get us out of here!
Chris: *points to a button next to her* That button, right there!
Sam: Why is there a button right there?
Bradi: Don't ask questions, it's just a story.
(Sam presses the button; all the people in the membranes fall down)
Jake: I think stubbed my finger.
Rem: Well I broke my foot!
(everyone crowds around Jake)
Chris: Jake, that must be painful.
Brad: Gosh Jake, I can't imagine.
Lyndsay: You should see a doctor about that.
(everyone complains about Jake's finger)
Rem: Hello? My foot is broken.
(everyone ignores him)
Jake: Oh, never mind, my finger is fine.
Bryan: You know, why are they called fingers? I don't think I've ever
seen them fing.
Sam: Let's get out of here before that turtles comes back.
(everyone but Rem, who is lying helplessly on the floor, leaves)
Jiru: Sam, this room is full of. you.
Sam: Yeah, I have a giant stalker. By the way, Brad, how'd you get
Brad: I was chopped into several tiny pieces a flown here by those
insects, then pieced back together.
Lyndsay: That's disgusting. Almost as bad a being inside a turtle.
Bryan: What do Lyndsay and a turtle have in common?
Everyone: When they're on their backs, they can't get back up!
Lyndsay: Why am I even friends with you guys?
(they walk down a corridor and then come to a corner and meet some
Sam: Who are you?
Some Guy: Sam! I've look all over for you!
Sam: And you are?
Some Guy: I am Bumstrong's copy of his human self.
Sam: Oh yeah?
(Sam punches him)
Sam: Jerk! Stalker!
(Sam punches him some more)
Sam: Now show us the way out!
Sam: Then I'll kill you!
Bumstrong: I'm just a copy. It doesn't matter.
Sam: Well, then, I'll kill myself.
Jake: It's about time. *on the phone* Yeah, I'm going to need to
cancel that hit. Yeah, thanks.
Bumstrong: Don't do it! Sam, why can't you understand? Why don't you
Sam: I don't think you'd love me so much if you knew that *deep man
voice* I was a man.
(Sam zips out of her female suit and reveals a man Sam)
Bumstrong: A man?!
Brad: Hey, you can't say that. I made that up.
Jiru: I can't believe one of my best friends was a man this whole
Sam: *deep man voice* I'm not really a man. I'm a horse.
(Sam zips out of his man suit a reveal a horse)
Everyone: A horse!
Bumstrong: Now I'm going to be sick.
Chris: This. this is so illogical.
Sam: *horse voice* Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom.
(Sam zips out of horse suit and reveals a broom; broom falls to the
Bryan: I've got to lay off my canteen.
Commercial Guy: All this and more on the next episode of the new talk
show Reveal Your Deepest Secrets! Comes on right after The Pit!
Bumstrong: Well. I guess there's no reason for me to live now that my
love is a broom. I can't stalk a broom.
Jake: You could if you were a mop. I mean, if a dish and a spoon can
Jiru: Shut up, Jake. Bumstrong, there's plenty of reasons to live.
Bumstrong: No there isn't! I powerful and have magic, but I can be in
love with a broom!
Lyndsay: There will be another. I have a new love every weekend, if
you know what I mean.
(she looks at Bryan and shutters)
Bryan: Well, at least I'm not a whore!
Bradi: Quit arguing, we don't need that right now.
Bumstrong: I'll just kill myself now.
Chris: Can we get out first?
Bumstrong: No! It's your fault I found her in the first place!
*sobbing* A broom! A broom! My love is a broom!
Rem: *stumbling towards them* Hello? I have a broken foot! Help!
(Chelsea appears in the corridor behind Bumstrong)
Chelsea: *panting* Monsters. Disappear. John. Shot. Help.
Bumstrong: I'm going to kill us all! Even you, Sam!
Chelsea: *looking at the broom* Great, now Sam's a broom again. Oh
(Chelsea grabs the broom, hops on it, and flies away)
Bradi: So she was a witch the whole time?
Brad: *slapping Bradi* Yeah, she was! Quit telling the obvious.
Bumstrong: DEATH TO US ALL!
Ghost Dixon: So. what now?
(Jake, John, Rem, Jiru, Chelsea, Sam, and Chris are in Chris's lab
wearing virtual reality outfits; they all take them off)
John: So that's what it would be like if we had gone with you to find
Chris: That's exactly what would have happened.
Sam: Uh, excuse me? I am not a broom, or a horse, or a man.
Chelsea: And I'm not a witch.
Rem: Would all of you really ignore me like that?
Jake: *ignoring Rem* Chelsea, we don't think you're a witch.
Jiru: *ignoring Rem* And Sam, Chris's invention was just stupid.
John: *ignoring Rem* What was with that soap opera?
Chris: There may have been some glitches.
Sam: Some glitches? That was just stupid.
Chelsea: Why bother us with your stupidity?
Chris: I'd like to see you make some kind of virtual reality thing.
Jiru: Let's get out of here. What a waste of time.
Chris: But I-
Jake: *shaking head* Chris, you know better. That story was
completely absurd. We all know Sam wouldn't have lived that long.
(they all start to leave)
Rem: You never answered my question.
Jiru: You never asked us anything.
(they all leave, leaving Chris alone)
Chris: So now what am I going to do with this key?
Bumstrong: *walking into the room* I don't know, but I just have the
strangest need to sweep something.