Title: Lost Without You

Author: Ayakaishi Fei aka. FireDemon

E-mail: Ken_Dai_

Rating: PG13

Category: Psychological, Romance.

Warnings: Shounen-ai. Self-mutilation. Schizophrenia

Summary: Define 'normal'. Define 'crazy'. When the lines start to blur, who are you to tell me what I am? I'm in love with someone who loves me back. I'm not letting anyone lock me up just because he only exists within my own mind. Shounen-ai.

"When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're
alive."

-Iris, The Goo Dolls.

"All I know is I'm lost without you. I'm not gonna lie. How am I gonna be
strong without you? I need you by my side."

-Lost Without You, Delta Goodrem.

"It's one thing to ask why we break up. Have you ever wondered why it is
that we fall in love?"

-Love Song, Amiel

"Mother looking at me. Tell me, what do you see? Yes I've lost my mind."

-All The Things She Said, t.A.T.u

The scalding water leaves my skin red, but I pay it no heed. My attention is fixed solely on my thigh, and the broken razor grasped in my right hand.

It's not beautiful, the gash I've just put in my upper thigh - but I stare at it entranced nevertheless. The blood that wells out swirls with the water, and the cut itself stings, but something inside me likes the sight of the blood dancing on my pale skin.

I don't cut myself often, and I don't do it because I like the pain, or the sight of blood. I don't do it to punish myself exactly, although there is an element of punishment in the act.

I cut because... because sometimes it's the only way I can prove I'm alive. Because sometimes it's the only way I know that I haven't completely lost control of my life.

I suppose to some people, that would sound... ridiculous. My mother has never been able to understand why a person would cut, which is why I've never told her that I occasionally do.

My name, in case you are wondering, is Torrence Sorenson, and I'm a 16-year- old male student at Thomas Light Academy for Gifted Youths.

I'm not actually a 'gifted youth'; I'm just a prissy rich boy whose parents can afford the best for their only son.

I put the razor to my thigh again, preparing to make another cut, but the shower curtain is yanked aside before I can, and a disapproving face stares down at me.

I blink innocently at the boy who is standing over me.

"You're hurting yourself." He states bluntly, "Why, Torey?"

"I..." My words die in the face of his concern, "I'm sorry Majic."

I stand up, dropping the razor and turn off the scalding water.

Majic's face softens, "What happened?"

"Shahara dumped me," I meet his concerned gaze, "She..."

"Oh Torey..." Majic drapes a towel around my shoulders and pulls me into his embrace, "She's not worth it."

"I know," I whisper into his shoulder, "It was just... I wanted to feel. I felt... I felt dead Maji."

He tilts my head up and kisses me firmly on the lips, "You're not dead. And Ara was a stupid bitch."

I snuggle closer, "Yeah."

"Come on, get dressed now."

I dry myself off and pull on a pair of boxers, my damp sandy blond hair still sticking out at all angles.

Majic laughs, and smooths it down, his crimson-flecked ebony eyes meeting mine making no secret of the affection.

"...I wanted to be the one to dump Ara." I whisper childishly.

"I know," Majic tugs me towards my bed, and wraps me securely in his arms.

His long scarlet hair falls around him, and when he leans over me to kiss me again, hides our faces from the rest of the world.

"You know I love you Torey," He whispers, "I love you more than anyone. I will always protect you."

"I know," I reply, tucking my head into the crook of his neck and softly kissing the skin there, "I love you too Majic."

~~*~~

"Wake up Beautiful, your mother's coming."

I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes, softly kissing the pale skin of Majic's neck in greeting before he kisses my lips gently.

I climb out of bed and walk to my full length mirror to pull on my school slacks. Majic slips his arms around me and I stare at the picture we make in the mirror.

He's only about an inch and a half taller than I am, and nearly as slender, although he's slightly more wiry. His scarlet hair, usually braided, falls loose around us, creating a pretty contrast with my own sandy gold hair. His skin is a few shades paler than my own, but the shape of his face... his features... are like enough to mine that we could be siblings. His eyes are narrower, slightly more slanted, so dark you can't see his pupils and flecked with crimson. My own are a soft golden brown.

His hand caresses my stomach as his lips tease my neck affectionately. I moan appreciatively, arching my neck to give him more access.

My bedroom door creaks open and I immediately stand at attention as my mother walks in. She's shorter than I am, with greying ash blond hair and icy dark grey eyes. She's not a bad mother, but she cares more about appearances than she cares about me, and she knows nothing about me.

I can't really tell her anything, because she's very proper, and hates anything that's "abnormal".

"Torrence, oh put a shirt on. You're going to be late for school." Her eyes flicker around my room as if searching for something to chastise me on, "Were you talking to someone? I thought I heard voices."

"No..." I look at her as if she's crazy.

She sniffs indignantly and leaves my bedroom. I turn and Majic smiles, slipping his arms back around my waist and kissing me again,

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Are you coming to school with me?"

"If you want me to," He smiles as I nod and promptly releases me. "Now finish getting dressed and I'll do the same."

I pull on a plain white shirt and slip our school jacket over the top before attempting to fix the tie.

Majic laughs behind me and I turn to look at him. He's breath taking in a pair of ripped jeans and a mesh shirt with his customary leather jacket over the top. "Need a hand angel?"

I nod sheepishly, and let him do up my tie before we walk out of my room and start heading towards the bus stop.

~~*~~

"Hey, uh, do you mind if I sit next to you?" I look up and meet a pair of cloudy amethyst eyes.

I smile, "No, we don't mind."

The girl giggles, running a hand through messy chestnut curls, "I'm Laney Boggs."

I smile, "Hey. I'm Torey and this is Majic. It's nice to meet you."

She wrinkles her nose as she looks at us, "Uh, likewise I guess."

"Lana! You bitch! You promised you'd wait for me!"

I look up and blink. Majic's hand tightens on my shoulder.

"Wow," I manage.

"Not bad," Majic agrees, staring at the panting boy just as I am.

The boy runs a hand through his jet black hair and glares at the girl. His eyes, I note, are the same curious shade of amethyst as Laney's, only clearer.

"I said I'd meet you here Kei!" She pouts at him and he pouts back. It's like a battle of the cutest or something.

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!" She cries crossing her arms over her chest.

"Oh... whatever."

He sighs and sits down, in between me and his sister and smiles at me, "Sorry about that. I'm Kei."

"Hey, it's nice to meet you."

Majic leans over, and raises an eyebrow, "So what's a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this."

He doesn't answer, and I roll my eyes. A lot of people ignore Majic because he looks a little unsavoury, so I repeat his question.

"So, Kei, what a pretty boy like you doing in a place like this?"

He blushes and looks at me in shock, "I... uh... what?"

"We were just trying to pick you up. We think you're cute."

"We?" He replies, brow crinkling.

"Majic and I," I wave a hand back at my constant companion and lover.

He stares at me for a few seconds as if I'm crazy.

"Dude, are you okay?"

I turn to look at Majic who steps forward and kisses Kei on his cute little lips.

Kei doesn't move or close his eyes or react in any way.

"Majic?" I whisper.

Majic steps back and sighs, "He can't see me."

I snarl, realising my mistake.

You see, Majic isn't really my 'lover' per se, if he were my life would be perfect. I'll never find anyone who will love me as much as he does.

Majic is actually a facet of my psyche. He protects me and looks after me when I need to be looked after. My only problem is that I sometimes forget that's all he is.

Most of my friends are used to us, but springing it on people I've only just met tends to make them freak out.

"Sorry," I smile at the siblings I've just met; "I'm schizophrenic. Majic's my alter ego. You guys can't see him but he's very pleased to meet you."

The girl blinks then giggles, "Wow, you're funny. It was so good the way you pretended. I've never met anyone who could pretend to be crazy so well. Wasn't he realistic Kei? He was just like the schizos in Evergreen!"

Kei gives me a measuring look, "Yeah, very realistic."

Majic sighs, "I'd better not come to school with you."

We quickly kiss goodbye, out of sight, "Love you Maji."

"I love you too my Torey."

He disappears, which may sound weird, but it happens. I don't know where he goes, but I know he's gone because I can feel it in the back of my head.

I turn and get on the bus and sit down next to Kei and Laney.

Kei is still giving me 'looks'. Maybe he suspects something? Whatever. It doesn't matter. Most people think I'm just playing around, and I'm still sane enough to make sure they keep thinking I am.

I'm not letting anyone try to separate Majic and I ever again.

Authors Notes: Well this is a weird idea that came to me. I don't know how well it worked. I don't know if I even like it, but it anyone else is interested I might write more.

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