An original story by Rem.

Summery: The bizarre story of a an English exchange student in a Japanese school, the crazy green haired girl he has to live with, and the even weirder people and places they encounter.

Jeff viewed the unfamiliar characters that flickered across the airport arrivals board, and not for the first time that day, felt strong sense bewilderment and not belonging.

It had seemed a great idea at first, a ‘once in a life time opportunity’ to spend Six months in Japan as an exchange student. But he was quickly beginning to regret it. The local time was god knows how many hours in front of the one he was working to, the airport was over warm and overcrowded, and his adopted family were approximately five hours late for picking him up.

Jeff sighed and leaned against a wall, allowing himself to slide down until he sat in a crumpled heap on the cool marble floor of the airport. Various tourists walked past, and on occasion, stepped over him, all the time making disapproving noises and pointing at him.

This is it, he thought, the lowest pint in my entire existence. I’m going to sit in this airport, lost and forgotten, until I die or pass out from heat exhaustion and/or dehydration. When I do, I’ll either be put out with the rubbish, or tidied away to the lost property office, whichever the airport staff find more convenient...

His chain of thought was disrupted by the rude tones of an over perky female voice. “ Excuse me, are you Jeff Hawk?”

“Wha...?” Jeff said. “I guess I am...” he yawned “ And you are?”

“I'm your new little Sister, and you’re my new big Brother!” Much to Jeff's horror, the speaker practically jumped on him, pulling him into a suffocating embrace.

She was a young girl, about twelve or thirteen years old. She had violently green hair, and wore a black beret.

“Can’t breath...let go” gasped Jeff.

“Sorry, big Brother” apologised the girl, before finally letting go.

Jeff breathed a sigh of relief.

“Who are you?” He asked, when he finally girt his breath back.

“Silly me! I didn’t tell you straight away. I should have ‘cause you’re going to be staying with me. That makes you, my new Big Brother... Anyway, I’m Merk” The girl twirled around and curtsied.

“Merk?” Said Jeff sounding puzzled.

“Yeah, but not really”

“?”

“Its an abbreviation” Merk said knowingly “I'm actually called Mikoto Erika Ryoko Kyota, but I didn’t like any of those, so I changed it”

“Okay” said Jeff, while trying to work out which mad house his new ‘Sister’ had escaped from.

“Oh, look at the time!” Exclaimed Merk, glancing at her watch. “Its time we went home. Quick, pick up all that luggage and then we’ll go outside and see about transportation”

“We? Are you saying nobody else is with you?”

“Yep” Merk nodded. “I got here all by myself, hitchhiking!”

Jeff winced at Merks high-pitched explanation. Her voice was high pitched enough already, but every so often she seemed to squeal the end of sentences. Taking her voice to previously unknown, glass shattering pitches.

****

From Jeff's point of view, things improved little when they got outside the airport. The temperature seemed even hotter outside than in the airport. His brain felt as if it was going to melt out of his ears, and he was seeing everything through the grey fog of sleep deprivation.

Merk however, appeared to be in her environment. She was bouncing around like someone experiencing a sugar induced high (Jeff suspected she was), practically skipping up and down the pavement, waving at passing traffic.

“Are you trying to call a taxi?” Asked Jeff, “ cause if you are I think this is the wrong place, it looks like all the taxi’s pull in round the corner”

“No, silly!” Exclaimed Merk “ We’re gonna Hitchhike, much cheaper, I thought you knew that” then she went back to trying to flag someone down.

Jeff took advantage of this to take stock. Okay, I’m sitting on top of my suitcase, outside an airport. The girl I have to stay with is a hyperactive, green haired lunatic and its too hot. I could have gone anywhere on an exchange visit. I could have gone to France or America, but no, I had to go to Japan...

For the second time that day, Jeff's train of thought was cut off by a high pitched wail.

“I got us a ride! Lets go” yelled Merk, indicating a car that had pulled up beside them.

****

Merk sat in the back seat of the car, watching her new ‘Big Brother’, Jeff sleep. Poor dear, the jet lag must be catching up with him, she thought. Its probably for the best that he gets some sleep, but who am I supposed to talk to now?

She looked at the driver, he was dressed in a grey business suit and hat the look of one whom is over worked and under paid. In short, miserable.

“Excuse me, Mister” said Merk “ Do ya wanna here a joke?”

“No” was the surly response.

“But it’s a really good one!” Pleaded Merk

“No”

But Merk was not to be put off; she took a deep breath, and began.

“Have you ever noticed that...”?

“Can’t say I have, and I don’t really care” replied the driver.

“Hey, that's not fair! You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“Okay, how about this one. You’ll like this one” Merk continued.

“Trust me, I won’t” said the Driver, a hint of irritation was beginning to creep into his voice.

Merk ignored this, and continued anyway.

“ How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?”

The driver sighed, “I don’t know” he said unenthusiastically “how many does it take?”

“All of them!” Squeaked Merk.

“I don’t get it” said the driver, sounding even more irritated than previously “It’s a bad joke”

“Is not” said Merk, scowling childishly “ I’ll explain, you see when ever there's a fight in Dragonball Z, the bad guy ends up having to fight everyone before he gets his butt kicked, so I guess its the same for light bulbs”

“They fight the light bulbs?” Said the driver, sounding even more confused.

“No, they change them!” Said Merk, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. “Are you stupid?”

The driver sighed loudly, and wished he could bang his head against the steering wheel without endangering his life.

“What about this, How many J-Rockers does it take to change a...”

“Just stop it, Okay! Stop with all the jokes!” Yelled the driver.

“But I’ll be board” Merk said in a whiney voice “what am I supposed to do now”

Suddenly Merk had a brain wave; she knew exactly how she could entertain herself for the rest of the One hour and forty-five minutes it would take to get home. She would sing!

“Nine hundred and Ninety-nine bottles of Sake on the wall” wailed Merk “Nine-hundred and Ninety-nine, take one down and pass it around, and you have Nine-hundred and Ninety-eight bottles on the wall...”

****

At ‘Nine-hundred and forty-two’ the Driver had began to snap. At “ Seven-hundred and thirty-six he had lost the will to live. And from Five-hundred and Seventy, onwards, he sat hunched over the steering wheel with and odd manic grin on face, occasionally whispering strange disjointed phrases to himself.

“ Bottles...sake...yummy.... Must kill girl...urge to kill rising...urge to kill...sake. I could stab her with my car keys...that's it. We’ll pull over at the next opportunity, and I’ll”

In the back seat, Merks song built to a terrifying crescendo. “...Take it down and pass it around, and there will be no sake left on the wall!”

No sooner than the last echoes of the song had died away, Merk looked out the window, then said,

“We’re here!”

“We are?” The driver snapped out of his lunatic ravings “You’re home? I can stop now. You’re going to leave?”

“Yep, pull over” the green haired-girl ordered. Then she turned her attention to Jeff,

“Wake up Big Brother! We’re home”

But Jeff didn’t respond. Merk decided it was time for some drastic action. She pinched Jeff's nose.

With his oxygen supply cut off, Jeff awoke immediately.

“Hey, what did ya do that for” He said groggily “are we there yet?”

“Yep, the drivers just pulled up in front of my house. Get you’re stuff, we’re getting out!”

“ YES, GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. AND TAKE THAT GREEN HAIRED FREAK WITH YOU!” Yelled the driver.

And no sooner than Merk had helped Jeff and his luggage out of the car, the Driver drove off at top speed, while yelling “I’m free, I’m free” until his words descended into a bout of maniacal laughter.

“What was that all about” Jeff asked Merk.

“No idea” she shrugged in reply.

-------

Writers notes.

1] Language. Yes Merk and most of the characters (except Jeff) are supposedly Japanese. But are a] not speaking it (not even fan girl Japanese), and b] have no problem speaking to an English character. There is probably a reason for this. 1] I’m lazy. 2] I didn’t think fangirl-Japanese would add anything to the story. So I will use English, unless I find that a Japanese term is more appropriate to the situation, in which case I will explain what the word(s) mean.

1.b] I have never been to Japan, or taken part in a student exchange program. Therefore you should keep in mind this story is about someone visiting an alternative Japan, as it is presented in anime, oppose to the ‘real’ Japan. [I hope this covers me in case of glaring factual errors] The same ‘anime’ Japan in which everyone speaks the exact same language all over the world/galaxy, unless it is plot relevant for something different. And has bizarrely coloured hair and eyes if the writer decides this should be so.

2] Merks song. This comes from a joke I have with my Sister, about every country and civilisation in the world having its own regional variation on the bottles on the wall song.

3] Thank you. Please review. C&C welcome. How can I improve, If I don’t know what I’m doing wrong?