A/N: This is slash – male/male. Though, there are no names. It seems I have problems with fitting their names in doesn’t it? Oh well, if this bothers you, you can invent some names for yourself.

All That Really Matters.

You’ve been called oblivious before; Ignorant, stupid…blind, but you’ve never really believed them. You’ve never had reason to believe them; they never have proof and you’re never willing to accept that maybe, just maybe you aren’t as accustomed to those around you as you like to believe.

All that changed though, just like everything does over time. You began to realise that maybe there was a certain amount of truth to what they were telling you. That maybe, all those small things you thought were normal in friendships…weren’t. All the sad looks and small smiles began to make sense and this scared you. And nothing scares you. Or at least, nothing used to scare you. But then again, coming to terms with the fact that your best friend is gay and in love with you is more than slightly life altering.

Some days, you refuse to believe it. He has a girlfriend; he can’t be gay. But then, he’ll look at you when he thinks your not looking and you’ll see a longing in his eyes that shouldn’t be there. And now, it’s slowly tearing you apart. And it dawns on you; what if, everything you’ve ever dreamed of could come true? What if the years of constant longing could be fulfilled and finally what if, you could be happy in the arms of the only person you’ve ever loved? Will ever love.

A massive part of you doesn’t want to find out because you know that if things don’t work out the way you’ve always imagined them to, then you’ll have nothing. Nothing left to dream about and nothing left to hope for. But then, the small, romantic part of you that has been yearning for returned feelings on his behalf calls you stupid and begs of you to make a move. To confront him and ask him how he really feels.

But you won’t. You’re too scared. So, you put up with your feelings and watch him parade around with a girl you know he doesn’t love while it breaks your heart. Breaks your heart because you know you could make him happy and you know he could make you happy. But, all of that doesn’t matter because in the end it all boils down to those niggling little doubts that tell you it will all eventually have to end and then you’ll lose him altogether. He won’t even be there as a friend. And you know you can’t deal with that. Life without him isn’t even worth bothering to think about.

This is how you find yourself stuck between a rock and a ledge. You go one way and you’ll fall, but at least you’ll be free but if you go the other way you’ll be trapped but then you think, least you’ll be safe. Then again, you’ve always prided yourself on being adventurous and not afraid to try new things, anything as long as you’re free.

It’s thoughts like these that keep you up at night. Thoughts of his unhappy face, sad smiles of reassurance and you’re overall longing to keep him a part of your life no matter what the cost.

You don’t realise that by doing this you’re pushing him away. You can’t see that those small smiles of reassurance and longing are secretly trying to tell you goodbye. That, the longing in his eyes, the look you’ve always dreamed of is slowly killing him because he doesn’t know he has a chance with you. The only thing he knows is that if he continues to be around you when he knows he never has a chance of being with you, will eventually end up making him emotionally dead.

But then, you have always been called blind. And you begin to realise that maybe, you need to open your eyes more. You need to focus on things that are happening close to you, not on dreams and the things that could be. It’s then you know you’ll find some sign that will give you courage to tell him how you feel. Well, that’s what you hope will happen. But so far you haven’t had any luck with your hopes and dreams coming true so you’re not holding your breath on this one.

But then everything goes to hell or maybe if you look at it from a different point of view everything finally falls into place and you realise that maybe, this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. He breaks up with his girlfriend and you realise that now is the time you should tell him. He has no one to hold him down and you have no excuse to not tell him.

Then, you start to think that perhaps you were wrong the whole time, because if he was in love with you the way you thought he was, he wouldn’t be crying over some girl that dumped him. He wouldn’t care less that he no longer has her because he never wanted her in the first place. No, he would have wanted you. But he is crying and he is upset. So like any good friend you comfort him. Tell him that she never deserved him but when he asks who does deserve him and he looks at you with hopeful eyes…you don’t know what to say or do.

The moment the words that you responded with left your lips you knew that you had made a mistake; one giant mistake that ruins all chance of happiness. The hope dies in his eyes and new tears begin to fall, replacing the crystal trail left previously. You realise that you had your chance to tell him how you felt but instead told him that, someday he’d find the person of his dreams…the way you have found yours. Only, you realise that that is not the whole truth and that you have never mentioned a person to him before. He automatically assumes you’re in love with someone other than himself and being stupid you say nothing to squash these thoughts.

You realised your mistake in not setting him straight almost instantly but by the time you’d built up enough courage to set him straight he had fallen asleep and you realised that maybe some things were just not meant to be. You’d never believed in fate before now but suddenly, the thought of it being fate’s plan gave you some satisfaction in a situation that should have been killing you. After all, fate is a fickle bitch and you can’t do anything to change destiny’s plans. That means, none of it is your fault…

You spend the whole night sat on that couch with his head on your shoulder watching him while he sleeps. You’d never had the opportunity to do this before and you are suddenly grateful that you’d gotten the chance before…before what?

You know things have to change. You realise it’s not healthy to be obsessed with your best friend but at the same time, he’s in love with you so what does it matter it’s not as if it’s a one sided thing is it? You’ll both move on eventually…well at least he will and then he’ll truly be happy and you’ll still have him as a part of your life; because after all, that is all that matters. Isn’t it?

You don’t have time to argue with yourself over the matter anymore because you feel him start to wake up. The minute he opens his eyes you realise that the previously culminated plan will never work because he’s unhappy whilst he’s around you. And if you were to be completely honest with yourself you’d realise that you were never happy being around him. Then it hits you. You suddenly realise that the only way he’s going to get over you is by being with someone else and you suddenly feel like you’re drowning. Your lungs are closing up and you can’t breathe. The thought of those looks of longing being directed at someone other than you is enough to tear you apart.

You can’t handle it and your sudden movement shocks him. His face shows the confusion he’s feeling and his arms reach up to pull you back down but he suddenly realises what he’s doing and he wraps them around himself instead. You mumble an apology before leaving. Leaving behind your pain, his pain and…your heart.

It’s at that precise moment that you realise you have ruined your life forever. You’ll never be able to love anyone the way you loved him and the guilt of keeping his happiness away from him is overwhelming. It’s something that you’ll never be able to get over and worse of all it’s something that you’ll never be able to justify doing. You know it’s wrong but you can’t help it.

You’ve spent so many long hours telling yourself that he will never be yours that the thought of having him is too much. You can’t handle it now that you realise he can be yours. You need to get away from him, your feelings and the part of you that screams out you’re a coward. You’ve never been a coward before but you realise there’s a first time for everything.

As you walk to your apartment with running away in mind you find yourself crying. It’s something you haven’t done since your father left your mother. You never spent much time dwelling on the fact that your father didn’t want you and no longer loved the woman he at one point claimed was the woman of his dreams. Because if you had, you’d have realised that the reason you can’t give in to love is because you’re afraid it will end up killing you the way it killed your mother. She’s not dead yet, but she wishes every day that she was. And, that’s not the way you want your life to go. You know that there’s only a slim possibility of that happening to you but you’ve lived through the heartache enough to know that the small chance is enough to stop you from ever being happy.

The minute you enter your apartment you are faced with photographs of you and him smiling and laughing together. Photographs of a time when things weren’t complicated and you and he were simply best friends. In one of those precious moments of happiness in your mothers life she told you that she was amazed you and he weren’t together. At the time you laughed at the notion and shook it off as being crazy. But then several other people told you the same thing and you began to realise that maybe, you could in fact fall in love with him, if you weren’t already.

You just stand in your doorway staring at the photos and remembering all the good times you and he have had together. You’re only pulled out of your memories when a whisper laced with sadness reaches your ear. You know who it is without seeing him and you don’t understand why he is apologising more so you can’t bear to hear those words come from his mouth. You turn around and smile one of your sad smiles and tell him not to be sorry because he hasn’t done anything. But then you see the bags behind him and realise that maybe he has done something. As you look from his suitcases and bags to his face the truth of the situation sinks in. He’s doing what you were planning on doing only he’s telling you. You should have realised that he’d be the stronger one out of you two.

As he tentatively places a hand on your cheek you know that you’re never going to be happy and you suddenly realise that the tears from earlier never stopped. You’re crying in front of him and you can’t stop the tears from coming. But then you realise you don’t want them to stop. You’re whole world is falling apart in front of your eyes and you can’t stop it. Why shouldn’t you cry?

You know what he is going to do before he does it and as he hesitantly puts his lips on yours, you taste the salty tears that you knew you would. Tears that you made and tears that you wish with all your heart you could stop. So you do the only thing you can; you kiss him back. You pour all the love and sadness you are feeling into the one kiss you are only ever going to experience with him.

The kiss lasts longer than you and he thought it would. When it finally is over though you feel his arms pull you closer and for a moment you feel safe and loved. For that singular moment you feel like everything is going to be okay. But then, he steps back, closes his eyes turns away from you. He utters a small goodbye and then you watch him as he slowly picks up his bags and walks away. Walks away from you, your love and the happiness you both could have experienced with each other.

You’re about to turn around and go back inside when you notice he has stopped. You suddenly realise he is waiting for you to go to him but you don’t know if you’re strong enough to do it. You know that if you let him get any further you’re going to lose him and isn’t that the one thing you have wanted to avoid this whole time? So before you even have time to talk yourself out of doing it, you shout his name out and run after him. As you get closer you see just how much he is shaking and when you finally reach him, he turns to face you and throws himself in your arms. His gut wrenching sobs shaking both of your bodies.

It’s in this moment you don’t care about the future or the consequences because you finally understand that you need this feeling that you’re experiencing right now to live and that if it just so happens to end in a few years time then you’ll still have the memories of how it felt to be truly alive. Consequences be damned, at least this way if you eventually lose him you know you’ll have had the whole of him at one point in your life. And isn’t that all that really matters?

End.

I hate the ending, I was going to leave it with nameless guy two leaving but I just can’t have unhappy endings. Dammit.

Finally, comments and what not are welcomes. (flames, reviews, criticisms…you get it.)