Time for Change.

You knew what you were getting yourself into the day you agreed to go out with him. You knew, that by accepting his proposal you’d never have him completely but you thought, at least you’d have him. You thought that the ache in your heart would decrease because at least you would get him for a moment in time. But it hasn’t decreased and you know the ache will never decrease but instead with time will consume you until you no longer have the will to break this sordid arrangement off.

It’s the same thing time and time again. He’ll come to you when he has time and you’ll sit and hug, kiss, talk; talk about the future, not that you have one with him, but at least for those few glorious hours you can pretend like you do. Then, you’ll go to bed and fall asleep holding him but awake without him. You’ve grown to accept that you’ll never get to wake up with him now.

Tonight, as you lay with him wrapped in your arms, a content smile gracing his features you realise you can’t do this anymore. You can’t bear to be happy for a few hours a week and then miserable the rest of the time. You can’t accept the fact that when he’s not here with you, he’s with someone else. Someone else who makes him smile, laugh and someone who will never be you. No, as you lay with him tonight, you realise that it’s time for change.

You try to get up without disturbing him. Your delicate frame enables you to have cat like grace and luckily he doesn’t even stir as you move out from beneath him. You allow yourself to sit on the edge of the bed for a few moments etching the scene into your mind. The way his dark hair sticks out at all angles, the way he always has a faint blush tainting his cheeks and the way whimpers slightly as he realises he no longer has body contact with you. For those few precious moments you allow yourself to believe that he is as dependent on you as you are on him.

It all started off so innocently. You met him in the college library. You were practically ripping a book on philosophy to pieces when he came over to you and took it away from you. He replaced it with a book on how to relax and you laughed for the first time in weeks. It wasn’t long after that that you began to see him regularly and then it wasn’t long after that that you began to realise just how blurred that line between friends and lovers had become between you two. Well, needless to say within a few weeks you could no longer classify yourself as just friends.

Then, one day your ignorantly blissful life came crashing down around you. You went for a walk because he had cancelled seeing you and you saw him with somebody else. It wouldn’t have hurt quite so much you don’t think, if it had been another man. But it wasn’t. It was a girl, no, woman. This somehow made the blow to your world seem ten fold what it was.

You stood there for what seemed like hours, though was barely a minute before you came to your senses and allowed the scene in front of you to sink in. You must have made quite some noise because the next minute he’s looking at you, eyes wide in shock and you find you can’t move. The thing that hurt you the most was, after the initial shock of seeing you there he acted as if you weren’t there. As you turned around to go back home, you remember taking one last look at him and seeing them kiss. You knew in that instance you’d never be able to have him to yourself and you died a little.

The stirring body in front of you breaks the reverie of memories and you realise that you’ve been sat thinking and staring at his form for over an hour. As his eyes flutter open a small smile makes its way to his mouth and you can’t help but flash a small, sad smile his way. He notices something’s wrong though and the happy glint in his eye is quickly replaced with concern as he reaches out to touch you. You visibly flinch though and you can tell straight away he doesn’t understand what’s going on. That’s okay though, you had planned it this way.

With confusion clearly evident in his eyes you begin to whisper softly, you know he is finding it difficult to hear you but you can’t talk any louder without your voice cracking from the sobs that want to shake your body.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

He looks upset, but you knew he would. You know he loves you, he’s told you countless times and you know you told him this arrangement would work. He’d be with her for the most part of the week and see you when he could without causing suspicion to arise. But, it’s just not enough anymore.

“I…I can’t either.”

You didn’t expect that. You thought he’d put up some sort of a fight. But he’s letting you go without so much of a disagreement. You don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you’ll never see him again, never be able to hold him again…or the fact that he found it so easy to give you up.

Before you even realise what’s happening you are on the floor, tears pouring from your eyes and a feeling in your stomach that hurts so much you want to just pull it out. You know what the feeling is though; it’s the same feeling you get every time he leaves you. It’s loneliness. And this time you know it won’t disappear any time soon.

You don’t want to cry in front of him. This wasn’t part of your plan. You wanted to show him that you could cope without him, that you don’t need him like you really do. You wanted to let him know you were in control of yourself and that leaving him wouldn’t hurt you. But, like everything else in your life you have no control over what happens.

“I…I still love you.”

You don’t want to hear that. How can he possibly say that to you when he’d rather be with her and not you? He’s told you he doesn’t love her like he loves you. And you the fool thought that meant he loved you more, obviously not.

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

You look up to see his cheeks glistening in the faint glow of moonlight that has filtered in through your curtains. You can see the tears making there way towards his lips and for just a moment you begin to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. You love him more than life and you’re upsetting him. But then the reality of the situation kicks into place and you remember that he wants this too.

You hear him get up off the bed but you can’t bring yourself to look at him anymore. You just wish he’d go away before you beg him to take you back. The soft patter of bare feet on your wooden floor coming towards you makes your entire body tense. You don’t know if him being in close proximity with you is such a good idea. You don’t know how much will power you have to restrain yourself from reaching out that little distance there is between you and hugging him with all the strength you have. And you know that won’t help the situation. If you don’t break this ‘arrangement’ off now, you realise you’ll never be able to.

“Don’t…don’t you love me anymore James?”

You didn’t even realise he was that close to you until he whispered those few words into your ear. The sensation of hot breath causing shivers to run down your spine. You hear the silent plea in his voice, begging for reassurance. And, it occurs to you, that you’re too far-gone to ever hurt him. You know you’d give him the world, even if it meant you were no longer there.

“Always.”

Your one worded reply is broken and barely audible but you know he heard you. You feel the breath of air he had been sub consciously holding let out and you feel his hands nervously reach out and touch your cheeks.

“I’m sorry.”

He smiles a sad and regretful smile before gently placing his lips over yours. You kiss him back with all the feeling you have left in you. After only a few seconds he pulls away gently and stands up. He bends down and takes your hand in his before pulling you up to your feet and leading you to your bed.

As he lies down under the covers and pulls you down towards him, you think ‘one last time’ and before you know it his lips are on yours and you’re both searching frantically for any bare skin to touch, you and he both know that tonight is a time for change. Tonight it all ends and although you want to be free of this messed up relationship at the same time you wish that this night would never end.

After the urgency has left you both and you’re just laying in silence, holding each other you let the tears that had stopped hours ago start again. You feel his body convulse every time he represses the urge to sob and you know he feels yours.

You haven’t held each other like this in a long time. It’s always you holding him and deep down inside you know you should have noticed this. Now, two weeks after seeing him with her you think you know why. How can he hold you and make you feel loved when he’s doing it to somebody else?

You feel his grip on your waist tighten as you realise you’ve let him go. You don’t do anything to rectify the situation though; you want to be held this one last time. As if he understands this silent wish of yours, he moves as close as possible to you and holds you in such a way that makes you think he’ll never let you go. You know though, he’ll have to let you go eventually.

“Get some sleep.”

He whispers softly into your hair, his head currently resting atop of yours. You nod your head ‘no’.

“I want to be awake when you leave.”

You feel him sigh as his arms wrap even more tightly around your waist.

“I’m sorry.”

As new tears start to form you hear him whisper three words that rarely leave his lips.

“I love you.”

You don’t even bother to reply. You no longer have the energy nor the will to say those words that are ripping you apart from the inside.

As you drift off into a sleep you never wanted to have you hear words that you’re not sure you imagine or not.

“Tonight’s a time for change.”

A/N. Right, you know me, I like to write happy endings, but do you want a happy ending for this or shall I leave it here? OR do you want another part with an even unhappier ending? Tell me please. I am unsure of what to do.