This is a story I wrote way back in 8th grade for a lame computer class assignment. . . but, I was going through some of my old crap from way-back- when, and I saw it and just had to read it. . . . and now I just have to make you guys read it. . . it actually is pretty creative for a lame assignment in computers. . . . . . well, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: None of it is mine, cept of course me and the dopey characters I guess should be returned back to me when you finish reading, but if there is any sort of emotional connection, you keep 'em!

The Wizard of Uz

P.S. There is no Wizard of Uz, I just needed some pathetic excuse for a title. BWHAHA! Kinda makes you feel like you are in the Matrix now doesn't it?!

One beautiful, happy, sunny, nice, wonderful, blessed day there was a farm, but not just any farm, this farm was home to the most beautiful humans in the world! And these humans produced great products that benefited the world. And there were only three animals who worked on the farm to make sure the humans worked their hardest and kept the world happy, and their names were Dog, who was himself a dog, Cat, who was a cat, and a snake whose name was. . . (I know what you are thinking, and you are wrong, this snake's name is not snake, it name is. . . ) Fred. Fred was the Son or Daughter of Cat and Dog and Fred had a certain neglect for rules, which always seemed to land 'it' in trouble. Fred also had a pet human named Oscar as a pet. Oscar was a very nice human and always kept Fred company. Fred's mother and father always wanted Fred to become a great farmer when 'it' grew up, but Fred had other aspirations for 'itself'. Fred wanted to be a pro-skater. But Fred decided that 'its' dream would never come true because 'it' didn't have arms or legs. But Fred had heard of someone who could help him whose name was Willard the Weirdo. Willard could supposedly electrocute Fred until Fred's brain got the signal that it should grow arms and legs, Fred would be the first volunteer to test it. So after Fred put 'it's' last sock in 'it's' suitcase, 'it' left 'it's' farm behind. Just then, some random tornado came from the sky. Cat was trying to gather everyone into the town shelter, all twenty-six people that made up the town were accounted for except-

"Fred, where are you?" Cat yelled.

"Cat, we must get below, the tornado is far too close." Dog declared.

"But we must find Fred, Fred is all I have!" Cat shouted back.

Dog shook his head, "You are young, we will have more children." Dog winked at Cat.

Just then Oscar came running toward Cat and Dog, with a note attached to his neck. Cat picked it up and read aloud: "Ran away, don't come find me."

Cat shrugged. "Aw, heck. Fred was an oddball, why we didn't even know if 'it' was a boy or a girl. Least we have Oscar here now." She patted Oscar on the head as they walked down the stairs to the shelter below.

Just then Fred came. . . .

"Auntie Cat, Auntie Cat! Where are you?" Fred exclaimed. 'It' hopped into the house in 'it's' room. *Do snakes hop? Well, they do now* Just then the window broke and hit Fred in the head. *Wow! Fred in the head, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!* 'It' started to see weird things, like colors mixing together. . . . And the Evil Elephant that lived next door. Oh, how Fred hated 'her', had tried to run Fred over too many times with her steamroller. Anyway, she was wearing a Witch hat and flying on a steamroller with dragon wings attached to it. *Although she did not fit into the regular Witches costume, her cottage cheese did not allow her figure to suck in so she could squeeze in the costume, well, carry on!* Fred screamed like a girl when 'it' saw this and hid under 'its' pillow. Fred felt the house begin to rise off the ground, carried and tossed carelessly in the funnel of the twister. It felt like a ride at Disneyland, Fred thought. Though he did loose 'its' lunch several times on this particular ride. Then the house dropped like a boom. And Fred landed on 'its' head. *Haha, Fred landed on its head. I am such the poet today. . . today, hey, hey, whaddaya say, we eat some hay down by the bay!. . . . and don't even think about telling me that hey and hay don't rhyme in your reviews!*

Fred stood up. *YES SNAKES CAN STAND TOO, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!* Fred walked *I'm not even gunna touch that one.* outside. 'It' saw a world full of color. *Guess I shoulda mentioned it was black and white before. . . .well, I DIDN'T SO CRY ABOUT IT!* Fred gazed around at 'it's' new surroundings. Many tiny red ants gathered around Fred.

"Hi. . . uh, ants. I come in peace." Fred said *AHAHAHA! FRED SAID! HAHA!* slowly, placing 'it's' hand over 'it's' heart. A few of the ants chuckled at this. "Do. . . you. . . understand. . . me!"

"Course we understand you, mate, we ain't deaf!" One ant said in an English accent.

"Oh, uh, right. . . so would you mind telling me where I am?" Fred said.

"You are 'ere in Ant Hill Land." The ant stated matter-of-factly.

"Wait! Hold up! I know what's going on, I heard this story, awe crap. . . there is s'posed to be some moral of the story with these sappy ones, I am s'posed to learn some sort of lesson. . . you might as well just tell me where to find him." Fred said.

"Him, who?" An ant called.

"Him. . . you know, him the wizard, almighty, powerful dude."

"Uh, we don't know anyone like that."

"Sure you do. Now where is he? How am I to get home without him? You honestly don't have anybody here?" Another ant said.

"Uh, no. . . you must be in the wrong place, chap."

"What? I am soooo confused! How am I. . . what. . . CURSE YOU FATE, YOU BIG TWIT!"

"Er, nice comeback, well when you are done, maybe you could step aside. . . we are re-painting the road." The first ant called.

". . . road, what road?" Fred said.

"Er, the one you've been standing on this whole time, mate."

Fred looked at the road. It's paint was peeling off but 'it' could still see the distinct green-purple-dots on the asphalt. "Where does this road lead to?" Fred asked.

"Why to the Philosopher." The ant said.

"Philosopher. As in a wizard, almighty, powerful dude?"

"Er, yes, one might put it that way."

"You are a bunch of idiots!" Fred said as he turned to start along the path. In the clearing ahead Fred saw the distinct outline of a can man. *Low budget due to the steamroller.* Fred walked straight past the Can Man without saying a word, Cat always told Fred never to talk to strangers. Anyway, the Can Man knew the story, so he followed Fred anyway. Along their way they saw a beautiful garden of weeds. *Flowers were not in season.*

Up ahead was a golden castle complete with a brass drawbridge *hey, gold drawbridges are expensive!* Fred knew it was the Philosopher's castle. Fred broke out in a run *yes, a run!* toward the castle with the Can Man following closely behind. The Philosopher of course lowered the drawbridge for them and allowed them inside to speak with him.

"Welcome 'it' and friend of 'it'." He bellowed.

"Uh, actually, funny thing is, he is not really my friend, we actually have never even spoken. . . I don't even know his name-" Fred said.

"SILENCE!" The Philosopher roared. "I know why you have come, and I know everything! I know secretly Fred that you want to be. . . that guy's friend-"

"You know I have a name." The Can Man spoke.

"SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER!" He bellowed. "Now, let's just cut to the chase so your timing will be. . . er, on time. You will bring me the flying steamroller from the Evil Elephant so I know she is dead, and I will grant you wishes, If you do not, and I know you will, you will be punished severely-"

"How exactly?" Fred asked.

"Do not question me! I am a very powerful wizard, almighty, powerful dude. I know what I am doing!" He roared. *If you did not clue in yet, I am alternating bellow and roared, it sounds better doesn't it?*

"Wouldn't it just be easier to just bring you her head or something?" The Can Man suggested.

"NO! I want the flying steamroller!"

"Or even her keys, would be cool, though I could not say no to her chopped off head.." Fred said.

"SILENCE!" The Philosopher roared *Haha, caught you off guard now did I?* "You may bring her keys. Now GO!"

So Fred and the Can Man left and went in search of the Evil Elephants Evil Lair. Though the Can Man did know the story so he knew where to find it. They rang the doorbell and asked if they could 'talk' to the Evil Elephant. Someone must have known something was up because they called her the Evil Elephant, anyway, they were 'shoed' off the property. They saw the Evil Elephant flying above on her flying steamroller. Then all the sudden the steamroller stopped in mid air. They could hear the Evil Elephant cursing at the machine fell from the sky and the Evil Elephant to her doom! *Duh duh duh music plays.* *Melting is also far too violent for children.*

Fred and the Can Man returned with the keys to give to the Philosopher. . . . .yadda yadda. . . . they all got there wishes. . . all is well. The End.

"Wait, that's not it. That can't be it. How am I s'posed to live my dream of being a Pro Skater? That was in the contract." Fred yelled.

"Save it! I created you I choose how the contract is worded."

"God. . . is that you?" Fred asked.

"Phhhmp, ya right! It's me, Teena, your creator. I choose what you do and don't do and I say you don't do Pro Skating. . . plus you would suck at it. Plus, you have bigger issues at hand, like your gender."

"What! Nu-uh! I would kick Tony Hawk's big fat a-"

"I wish you wouldn't say that, this is rated G after all. But you would suck, you forget..*motions to herself* creator."

"I hate you." Fred wined.

Teena laughed. "No one said you had to like me, now do what I say and go back to the story."

Fred stomped his foot. "No!"

"If you don't I will take away your speaking privileges."

"You wouldn't dare-" Fred grabbed 'it's' mouth.

"See how it works now?"

Fred struggled to move.

"Okay, bye bye now."

And with that Fred disappeared. A maniacal laughter filled the air. The duh duh duh music played once more.

***What do you think? I would love to hear from you in your reviews. New chapter maybe? Give Fred a gender? Pro skating lessons?- okay, that might be going a bit too far! But seriously, leave a review and I will make Fred give you a kiss! "DON'T EVEN!" Fred said.

"Does the word Creator ring a bell?"

Fred scratched his head. "I dunno, should it?"

An evil smile crept across Teena's face. "I think it would be wise to be quiet. . . unless you want to loose. . . .something."

"Phhhmp, Like what? My voice again?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of. . . .your pants."

"You wouldn't."

"I think we've established that I would." And with that Fred was left pants-less.

And the manical laughter of a maniac filled the room, once again.