FADE IN: THE WINTER SKY - NIGHT It's a cloudy and cold night. The wind can be heard whistling as the camera begins to pan down. VOICE Once, when I was young... The camera continues to pan down as a few flakes of snow begin to wisp by. VOICE Christmas was always a big time around the house when I was little. Back then, I still believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and all the crazy things that little boys are supposed to believe in. The camera finds a single house. Save for a lone light in one window, it is completely dark. VOICE Of course, Santa really didn't exist... or if he did, he never visited my house. Instead, dad would pile us in the car... myself, my two brothers and my two sisters, and let us ride around for half an hour as Mom and my aunt set out the presents on Christmas Eve. The signal for when they were ready and when we could come home, was when the Christmas lights would be turned on. Suddenly, the house is illuminated by hundreds and hundreds of Christmas lights of every color in the rainbow turning the solitary and lonely picture into one of celebration and warmth. VOICE Of course, that was my Aunt's job... her idea, too. A signal - I learned later on in life when I stopped believing in fairy tales - that it was safe... it was safe to come home and that I would always be welcomed there. A minivan pulls into the gravel driveway as we... FADE TO: INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE JASON DONNER is lying on a couch facing the ceiling as the camera slowly pulls back from an extreme Close Up. DONNER I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Especially after this new business of mine has really taken off. The camera moves to reveal DOCTOR MONA L. WATUR sitting nearby taking notes. DOCTOR MONA I think I understand. Doctor Mona is drawing a caricature of Donner on her notepad with an arrow through his head with a picture of a screw on one side, an a baseball on the other. Unknown to Donner, a phone in Doctor Mona's pocket vibrates. She picks it up, flips it open, and speaks. Donner continues to jabber during the following. DOCTOR MONA (whispers) Hello? (a pause) What? (a pause) Look, I told you never to call me at work! (a pause) All right, all right... let me get rid of my patient, I'll get out of these clothes, and we'll have our rendezvous. Bye. Doctor Mona hangs up and puts the phone away as Donner finally looks at her. DONNER So, what do you think? DOCTOR MONA I think you're dealing with childhood guilt, perhaps. We'll talk about it next week. DONNER Next week? But I've still got fifteen minutes! DOCTOR MONA Something's... uh... come up. "Arisen" if you will. I've got a few slots that need to be filled and prepare for a coming merger. Understand? DONNER (a beat) No. DOCTOR MONA I'll credit you the fifteen minutes during our next session and give you ten free. DONNER All right, all right. I probably should get going too. I'll see you next week then. DOCTOR MONA Good-bye. Donner exits. Doctor Mona gets up, checks her lipstick and teeth in the mirror and checks her breath. DOCTOR MONA It's showtime! Suddenly, she holds her arms out and begins to spin faster and faster and faster until she is a blur. There is a bright flash of light and she is transformed into ULTRAWOMAN. She stops spinning, takes a step, and steadies herself up against a wall, obviously very dizzy. ULTRAWOMAN I've got to find a better way of going about that! Ultrawoman flies out the window and into the sky. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS SKYLINE Ultrawoman flies over the city. She is met by CAPEMAN and BLUE FAIRY. ULTRAWOMAN I told you never to call me at work! CAPEMAN Well, what am I supposed to do when you leave your Justice Squad beeper at the Watchtower? ULTRAWOMAN All right, all right... what's the emergency? BLUE FAIRY Robo-Brittany and Justin Timberlackey are back. They're knocking over Fort Knox. Cosmic Weasel and Colossal Chunk are on their way, but they're likely to be overwhelmed! CAPEMAN (to Ultrawoman) Are you thinking the same thing I am? ULTRAWOMAN (smiles) Using lethal force against a boy band member and jail bait? God, I LOVE this job! They fly out of frame as we... FADE OUT: --------------------------------------------------------------

JUSTICE SQUAD
Episode 1.01
"Secret Origins"
Written by Jason Gaston

Today's episode brought to you by the
Number "4" and the letter "H". -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: INT. A DARK ROOM The only illumination in the room is coming from a computer screen sitting on a desk butted up against a wall, although we can't see what is on it. We see the outline of a large leather chair and the outline of a man sitting in the chair. He takes out the keyboard and starts to drum his fingers on the desk. MAN Let's see... Where was I? (a beat) Oh yes... time to make trouble for the Justice Squad. He begins typing. FADE TO: EXT. FORT KNOX The heavy steel doors of the complex are blown off and ROBO BRITTANY and JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY appear from the smoke. Robo- Brittany is mostly whole again except for the side of her face which shows an exposed metal endoskeleton. ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany is pleased. With this money, The Brittany will be able to afford necessary repairs and a boob job. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY May I glance at them every now and then, Robo-Brittany? ROBO-BRITTANY If you do not displease The Brittany, Justin Timberlacky, you shall be allowed to think of them. Cop cars surround them. ROBO-BRITTANY These police are in The Brittany's way! In an expensive and elaborate special effect, Robo-Brittany's arms transform into Gatlin guns and begins spraying the police cars. The police leap out of the way as the cars are shredded and finally explode. ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany will NOT be defied! ULTRAWOMAN (O.C.) Oh, we're going to do worse than defy you. Robo-Brittany and Justin Timberlackey turn around quickly to see... THE JUSTICE SQUAD is standing a few feet away standing shoulder to shoulder. ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, CAPEMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK, NIGHTFLYER, and COSMIC WEASEL. CAPEMAN Hi! BLUE FAIRY Welcome to Fort Knox. COSMIC WEASEL We're here to hit you. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY Oh my God! It's the Cosmic Beaver! COSMIC WEASEL (cracks knuckles) Dibs on Timblerlake. ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany needs a diversion to escape! Timberlackey! KILL THEM! JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY Uh... okay. Justin Timberlackey runs towards the Justice Squad screaming, with a look of pure fury on his face. CAPEMAN Is he freakin' kidding? NIGHTFLYER Be on alert, my friends! As we've witnessed, Justin Timberlacky is the pinnacle of genetic engineering. He's been cloned and cloned again and there's no TELLING what kind of a monster he really is or what brutal things he's capable of. Justin Timberlacky leaps at Cosmic Weasel and starts slamming his fists against him. Cosmic Weasel stands there and gives his teammates a look like, "God, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen." JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY Take that! And THAT! And THAT! You big meanie! Doo-Doo face! Pus head! Bo-bo butt! Cosmic Weasel flicks him away with his thumb and forefinger sending him splattering against a wall. COSMIC WEASEL (covers mouth in mocked shock) Oops. EXT. FORT KNOX ROBO-BRITTANY rounds a corner holding the enormous bags of gold. She comes to a stop as the JUSTICE SQUAD appears in front of her. ULTRAWOMAN It's over, Robo-Brittany! ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany does not agree! Take one more step and The Brittany shall destroy this entire facility with a nuclear detonation. NIGHTFLYER She's lying. She wouldn't be dumb enough to bring a nuclear bomb with her. ROBO-BRITTANY Technically, you are correct. Robo-Brittany's robo-boobs open revealing a radioactive symbol. ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany's chest is powered by nuclear fusion and the Brittany will not hesitate to detonate them to destroy you and everyone in a square kilometer area! COSMIC WEASEL (to Colossal Chunk) Gives the term "Loof Bombs" new meaning, huh? COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk not get it. COSMIC WEASEL (sighs) I miss Doctor Wham. CAPEMAN She's bluffing. There's no way she'd blow herself up! ROBO-BRITTANY FOOLS! The Brittany's conscious is saved on the internet at the website . I can rebuild myself later... unlike you can. The Brittany bids you, adieu and burn in-- WHAM! Robo-Brittany is hit from behind. She turns around and sees a large werewolf dressed in a sleeveless uniform. This is WOLFMAN, the superhero guise chosen by Thad Coffey. He stands there growling at her and then, with a big grin he looks at the others, his tail wagging. WOLFMAN How did I do? POW! Robo-Brittany kicks WOLFMAN in the 'nads and throws him to the side. CAPEMAN Better than usual. COLOSSAL CHUNK Wolfman got nards! ROBO-BRITTANY The Brittany shall destroy you now! A high pitched whine from the nuclear meltdown begins. The heroes look at each other. NIGHTFLYER Ultrawoman? Capeman? Would you...? You know. He points up. ULTRAWOMAN (sighs) I supposed CAPEMAN I hate this. It always stings so bad! Ultrawoman and Capeman grab Robo-Brittany and fly into the sky. EXT. SPACE Capeman and Ultrawoman fly past the camera with Robo-Brittany in tow. As they fly into the distance, there is a BRILLIANT WHITE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION with an expanding shockwave. EXT. FORT KNOX The Squad is standing there as Ultrawoman and Capeman land next to them. They are both burned and blackened. NIGHTFLYER You know, when you take on a cybernetic celebrity, you always get... burned. Nightflyer begins laughing as everyone stares at him. Finally, a flaming silicon bag falls from the sky and knocks him out. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO It's a taping of THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW. The audience is clapping as the camera zooms in to reveal that OPRAH is talking to DONNER. OPRAH Welcome back, today's topic is filthy rich people and, with us today... Jason Donner of Donco... Now, Donner... with a net worth of 960 billion dollars, you are the second richest person in the world all thanks to your lucrative ties to Justice Squad. DONNER That's correct, Orca. OPRAH Oprah. DONNER Sure. Anyway, I've found that my ties with Justice Squad have been most advantageous. OPRAH But still, you are not the richest person in the world. DONNER (his face darkens) No, Orca, I'm not. OPRAH Oprah. And yes, you are not the richest man in the world... that is an honor held by our next guest, head of Tyrannicorp, Rich E. Mogul. RICH E. MOGUL walks out on stage amidst thunderous applause. He is a nice looking gentlemen in his thirties in a black Armani suit with a red shirt. He takes the seat next to Donner who gives him a hateful look. RICH E. MOGUL Hello, Oprah. OPRAH Thank you for coming on the show. RICH E. MOGUL Thanks for having me. OPRAH Well, you can have ME anytime. An uncomfortable pause. Donner rolls his eyes. OPRAH Well, I understand that you are the world's first trillionare. RICH E. MOGUL Well, I hate to brag, but... yes. OPRAH And yet, you find so much time to help various children's charities and such. You are truly a pillar of the world community especially after your efforts helping the world rebuild after the Worldkiller Crisis two years ago. RICH E. MOGUL I felt it my duty to help the Earth rise out of the ashes. OPRAH Indeed. Well, we have to take a break right now, but when we come back... Richard Simmons will be in to show us how to loose weight and keep it off and he'd better not be f***king lying this time, the prissy little fairy. The Oprah show music plays signaling a commercial. The audience applauds and the commercial begins. Oprah takes out a cigarette and a beer and walks off the set leaving Donner and Mogul alone. RICH E. MOGUL So, Donner, how is the world's second richest man? DONNER He's resisting the urge to punch to his left. RICH E. MOGUL Well, you know... I've always been one for charity cases. Perhaps if you need a ten every now and then, all you have to do is call. DONNER Thanks, Rich, but I have a better idea. How about I get a spoon and you can eat my ass? EXT. THE SURFACE OF THE MOON The camera pans across the barren landscape until it finds the JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER with the EARTH in the background. INT. WATCHTOWER CORRIDOR THAD COFFEY (who is, of course, is the secret identity of Wolfman) walks down the hall. BIPPO THE CLOWN catches up to him. BIPPO What's up, MoonDoggie? THAD First day out in the field. BIPPO How'd it go? Have you already met Wolfgirl? THAD Who? BIPPO Wolfgirl! THAD There's a WolfGIRL? BIPPO Well, not that I know of personally... but there is ALWAYS a female counterpart to a male superhero. Superman has Supergirl. Batman has Batgirl. Spider-Man has Spider-Girl. THAD You've got a point there. BIPPO And then there are the kid versions. THAD Kid versions? BIPPO Yes... Superman also has Superboy. Captain America has Bucky. Wonder Woman has Wonder Girl. The Flash has Impulse. Batman has Robin (on a nightly basis, I hear). And you will have... uh... Wolfboy. Usually, there are dog versions too, but for you that would be a little redundant. THAD Bippo, you are so full of crap. They turn a corner and enter... INT. THE WAR ROOM A large two-story set with maps of every corner of the world lining the walls. There are computer panels and such and, in the center of the room, there is a GIANT ROUND MEETING TABLE. COSMIC WEASEL, ULTRAWOMAN, CAPEMAN, COLOSSAL CHUNK, BLUE FAIRY, and NIGHTFLYER are already there. ULTRAWOMAN All right, now that Thad is here, we can start the meeting. THAD Wait, before we do... is it true that there's a female and kid and dog version of all of you? A beat. CAPEMAN Ah, you mean Capewoman? THAD CapeWOMAN? COSMIC WEASEL Yeah. Then there's Weasel Boy, the adorable little scamp. THAD Weasel Boy? ULTRAWOMAN Ultra-man and Ultra-dog. THAD Wow! That is so cool! Maybe I shall meet my sole mate in a Wolf Girl or an adopted son in Wolf Boy? There is a long pause and then everyone starts laughing. COSMIC WEASEL We were just kidding with you, you stupid bastard! CAPEMAN Capewoman! That's rich! BIPPO Making fun of poor stupid defenseless Thad... You should ALL be ashamed of yourself! Bippo stomps out. NIGHTFLYER Could someone remind me why HE'S here? THAD Bippo? He's my roommate and I live in the Watchtower so why shouldn't he be here? NIGHTFLYER I could save time telling you why he should. ULTRAWOMAN Enough fun, folks. Let's get to it. Everyone sits at the chair bearing their symbol on the back. There are several empty seats at the table. ULTRAWOMAN First of all, Thad, congratulations on your first day out in the field. THAD Thanks... Uh, can we forgo the leash next time? ULTRAWOMAN Can you promise not to trigger a nuclear detonation next time? THAD I make no promises. ULTRAWOMAN All right... Taking a look at the old business that was tabled so we could take care of that whole Brittany robot thing... BLUE FAIRY I believe that was Nightflyer's recommendation of inducting new members. NIGHTFLYER That's right. You've all read the tabloids, folks... we're being charged with elitism! CAPEMAN Blast! I don't like being charged with things I can't spell. Nightflyer looks at Capeman and shakes his head in disgust. NIGHTFLYER Anyway, I think if we add new members, we can counter all of this negative PR. I mean, after all, we haven't been up to full strength since the Worldkiller Crisis a couple of years back. DONNER walks in with a couple of artists carrying sketch pads. DONNER Gooooooood morning Justice Squad. THAD GAH! Thad quickly transforms into WOLFMAN to protect his identity from the artists. NIGHTFLYER Oh, what the hell do you want? DONNER Relax! I'm just here with a couple of McFarlane artists to get some sketches for the new action figure line. Just... you know, pretend we're not here. The artists set up on either side of the room and begin sketching. Donner looks on. BLUE FAIRY I tend to agree with Nightflyer that we need new members, but many of the world's superheroes don't want to join Justice Squad. COSMIC WEASEL Yeah, something about dignity and self respect or something. WOLFMAN It's too bad. Imagine how popular we would be if someone like Superman or Captain America joined? DONNER (to artist) See if you can fix Cosmic Weasel's nose. It points out too far and it's really creepy. While you're at it, give him more muscles so he doesn't look like a pansy in a mouse costume. COSMIC WEASEL It's a WEASEL costume! DONNER (unimpressed) Uh huh. (to artist) And give him a half-way decent package. I know it's a stretch, but make it look like he's at least got SOMETHING downstairs. COSMIC WEASEL YOU SON OF A-- Cosmic Weasel leaps at Donner. Chunk holds him back with his thumb and forefinger. ULTRAWOMAN (ignoring commotion) We've got our reservists: Bahama Mon, Doctor Wham, Decoy, and a couple of others, but no one wants full permanent membership. CAPEMAN Maybe if we offered better medical and dental... and burial. DONNER (to artist) Give Ultrawoman a bigger rack too. I mean, she's nice but I want bigger so we can appeal to 30 year old net nerds who've never had a girlfriend. BIGGER! BIGGER! BIGGER! ULTRAWOMAN No one wants... excuse me. Ultrawoman walks over, grabs Donner, and shoves him into a closet, locking the door. DONNER (inside closet) AND MAKE HER ASS SMALLER!!! Ultrawoman rejoins the meeting. NIGHTFLYER (thumbing towards closet) How long do we have to put up with that? Capeman takes out a contract. CAPEMAN According to the contracts his lawyer came up with, for... (He reads) ...ever. NIGHTFLYER DAMN! ULTRAWOMAN Be nice, Nightflyer, he is funding our little operation after all. Getting back to business... no superhero wants to join Justice Squad. NIGHTFLYER But there HAS to be someone. BLUE FAIRY Come on, Willard. These things take time! It's not like new members are going to fall out of the sky. EXT. A FARM - NIGHT Stars twinkle over the pasture as several cows sleep soundly and a windmill creaks overhead in the breeze. SUBTITLE: "St. Armpit, Oklahoma" Overhead, one star begins to shine more brightly than the others. It becomes brighter and brighter until we see that it's an object entering the atmosphere. WHAM! It lands in the middle of the field creating a huge crater, destroying the windmill and sending the cows running. EXT. THE CRATER A blue hand slowly comes out of the crater and grabs the soil. A man pulls himself from the hole carrying a long metal staff. He looks up and we see that it is the blue skinned alien, QUASAR looking a bit older than the last time we saw him. He looks a bit beat up and is barely able to move. Two shadows overtake him and he looks up at them. QUASAR Not... much time! I'm Quasar... I... You need to... warn your governments. They... They're coming! He falls over unconscious. The camera pulls back to reveal he was talking to a couple of cows. COW Moo. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. A RESTAURANT A Waiter walks up to the camera as several people eat in the booths behind him. WAITER Are you tired of fast food? Tired of bad waiters and horrible cooks? Then come in and let us serve you at T.G. the Thirteenth. CUSTOMER Excuse me, waiter, but I ordered my steak well done and this is rare. WAITER Let me get the cook for you. The waiter puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles. JASON from the Friday the Thirteenth movies bursts out of the kitchen with a machete and hacks the customer to death. WAITER So, come join us at T.G. the Thirteeth were the customers NEVER complain about the food. Jason goes crazy and starts killing more of the patrons. WAITER They wouldn't DARE! The T.G. the Thirteenth logo pops up on screen. ANNOUNCER T.G. the Thirteenth is a division of John Carpenter Enterprises. -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY QUASAR is lying on a bed hooked up to several monitors. His body is bandaged and swollen. ULTRAWOMAN, CAPEMAN, and BLUE FAIRY. ULTRAWOMAN It's Quasar all right. CAPEMAN Quasar? We haven't seen him in a while. ULTRAWOMAN Yes, he took off into space after the Worldkiller was defeated. Any idea what he's doing back on Earth? BLUE FAIRY (shakes head) He's only regained consciousness once. Babbled something about "They are coming" and went out again. CAPEMAN Blast. Last we heard that phrase, it took three years to figure out what exactly WAS coming. ULTRAWOMAN We need him well enough to talk. What about the Purple Healing Ray? BLUE FAIRY It needs to be adjusted to his physiology and, since he's the last of his race, that will be no small chore. CAPEMAN Is there anything we can do? BLUE FAIRY Well, yes... It's been a long-held belief that talking to people in comas helps to bring them out of it. CAPEMAN That's funny... when you talk to me, it usually puts me INTO a coma. BLUE FAIRY ...and with that, Capeman is officially off bed watch. CAPEMAN And yet, somehow, I find the courage to go on living. Be back in a day or two... I've got to fly to Uranus to probe around a bit. Blue Fairy and Ultrawoman give each other a look. CAPEMAN Oh, grow up the both of you! Capeman turns around and stomps out. BLUE FAIRY Ultrawoman, talk to Quasar. ULTRAWOMAN Talk to him? He's a step up from a drooling vegetable. What do I tell him? BLUE FAIRY Tell him a joke, tell him a story! I don't care! I've got to work on the purple ray. Blue Fairy turns to leave, but then looks at her again. BLUE FAIRY (points at her) And whatever you do, do not under any circumstances allow Bippo to tell him any stories. For God's sake, I'm STILL having nightmares from his fourth grade science fair story. Blue Fairy leaves. Ultrawoman sighs and sits next to Quasar's side. ULTRAWOMAN All right... a story. (a beat) Have you heard the one about the priest, the rabbi, and the Easter Bunny? CUT TO: INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY The same scene, a couple of hours later. ULTRAWOMAN ...and then, if your cranberries are too tart, try sprinkling a little powdered sugar on them. INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY The same scene, a couple of hours later. ULTRAWOMAN Yeah, there was that one time in college with my roommate... but the nineties were all about experimentation! INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY The same scene, a couple of hours later. Ultrawoman is sitting by Quasar's side obviously out of things to say. She sighs and something comes to her. ULTRAWOMAN Once, when I was young... All I wanted to do was follow in my mother's footsteps. She was Ultrawoman before me, you know. My grandmother was Ultrawoman before her and so on and so on. When I was a little girl, I begged her to let me become Ultrawoman... but she kept telling me that I had to wait until I was older and until she had stopped being a hero... (a beat) She died a few years back and I took over. I finally got what I wanted, but God... what I wouldn't give to have things back the way they were. QUASAR (weakly) Show me your... booooobs. He passes out again. ULTRAWOMAN If he wasn't in traction, I'd kill him. INT. THE WAR ROOM Blue Fairy is watching monitors displaying the solar system when Cosmic Weasel walks by. COSMIC WEASEL Whatcha doing? BLUE FAIRY There's a disturbance in the astral plane. The magics of the world are in near-chaos. COSMIC WEASEL Yeah, I get that way after I eat chimichangas. BLUE FAIRY Quasar crashes on Earth saying that something is coming and now Mother Earth herself is crying out. COSMIC WEASEL The whiney bitch. BLUE FAIRY Something is coming. Something big! COSMIC WEASEL Look what I can do! Cosmic Weasel touches his nose with his tongue. BLUE FAIRY Something terrible. Menacing music plays. FADE TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE Earth can be seen in the background. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC SPACE ARMADA uncloaks and heads for the planet. FADE TO: EXT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE - NEW YORK CITY - DAY On the familiar skyline of New York City, we see a large 200 story skyscraper in the shape of an "M", dwarfing all of the other buildings. INT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE - NEW YORK CITY Rich E. Mogul is sitting at a large black lacquer desk reading a book. There is a large window behind him that displays a beautiful New York City nighttime skyline. The camera pans around to reveal the title of the book he's reading: "WHY NOT ME? A BOOK ON WORLD DOMINATION by SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS". He is nodding his head quietly agreeing with everything the book is saying. Suddenly, there is a hum and lights begin to swirl in front of his desk. He leaps to his feet as two ALIENS form in front of him. The creatures are eight feet tall with blue fur, compound eyes, and sharp teeth and pinchers. KARKALACK HUMAN! RICH E. MOGUL Gah! Rich E. Mogul ducks behind the desk. KARKALACK There is no need to fear us, Human. I am Karkalack and this is my mate, Heehuck. HEEHUCK (female voice) Hello. You have a beautiful office. Mogul slowly peeks out. RICH E. MOGUL W-What do you want with me? KARKALACK Our remote spy-drones have indicated that you are the most powerful among the humans! RICH E. MOGUL Well, I am the richest. KARKALACK Whatever floats your boat, pal. We're here to give advance warning that your planet is about to be invaded by the JENNIFER HANSON EMPIRE! Music sting, lighting strike. RICH E. MOGUL (a beat) The what? KARKALACK (to Heehuck) You see what I mean? No one fears "The Jennifer Hanson Empire!" And YOU said I was overreacting! HEEHUCK All right, all right... you have a point. Let's go ahead and invade them if it'll make you happy and I won't have to hear you gripe and complain anymore! KARKALACK (to Rich E. Mogul) As you can see, human, the reason the Jennifer Hanson Empire is invading your planet is clear. RICH E. MOGUL Actually, it's not. What the hell are you guys talking about? KARKALACK Have you ever heard of the International Star Registry? RICH E. MOGUL Actually, no. KARKALACK Neither had we until one week ago. It is a vile Terran Organization that allows humans to name a faraway star for the mere fee of fifty dollars. RICH E. MOGUL Oh yeah! I remember hearing that on the radio once. The names are recorded in the US Copyright office. It's supposed to be a heck of an anniversary gift and... Karkalack is standing over Mogul, glaring at him. RICH E. MOGUL And... And... And... Uh... KARKALACK Yes... And now, thanks to this blasted Star Registry and one love struck teenager, our home system is now known as Jennifer Hanson and the once mighty and feared Zobarbian Confederation(tm) is now known as The Jennifer Hanson Empire! We are the laughing stock of the galaxy and we're here to invade and beat the poo-doo out of the planet that did it. Rich E. Mogul looks at the book he was reading and then back at Karkalack with an evil smile. RICH E. MOGUL You're right. You SHOULD invade the planet! Karkalack and Heehuck look at each other. HEEHUCK Wasn't he supposed to have given some speech about not going quietly into the night and Independence Day or something? KARKALACK "All you have to do is watch human movies to study them." That's the last time I ever listen to your mother! (to Rich E. Mogul) Explain, human! RICH E. MOGUL Well, the way I see it.. you need an... well, let's just call it an associate of sorts. Someone who will profit when you invade the planet and destroy all its indigenous governments. HEEHUCK The human known as Mo-gul has a point. (to Mogul) Do you know where we can find such a person? RICH E. MOGUL (a beat, patiently) Me. I help you invade the planet... I tell you where to find presidents, ministers, dictators, kings, queens, and so on... and you make me master of the Earth when you leave. KARKALACK Yes... Or we could just blow the planet up. HEEHUCK Karkalack! You know that the death ray won't be fixed until Tuesday and I will be damned if we miss the Snarks blossoming on Regula Prime! We wasted enough time blasting that little blue man with the stick that cut you off on the Galactic Throughway! KARKALACK Very well! You assist us, Mogul, and we will reward you and the planet will be yours! RICH E. MOGUL Before we do, we'll have to wipe out a certain team of protectors. But there is... one I want to deal with personally. KARKALACK Very well. They will be no match for our might! RICH E. MOGUL As a respected author once said... "Delicious." INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY Quasar is lying in bed unconscious as Blue Fairy and Ultrawoman look on. BLUE FAIRY Still no change? ULTRAWOMAN No... although he did mumble something about someone named Jennifer Hanson. BLUE FAIRY Jennifer Hanson? ULTRAWOMAN I ran a check. She motions to a monitor. ULTRAWOMAN Jennifer Hanson is a high school junior from Wakega, Kansas. She's been voted most popular and most talented and is head cheerleader. BLUE FAIRY (squints) Is that a nose ring? ULTRAWOMAN Yes. BLUE FAIRY What do they see in those things? I mean, you take one out and you sneeze, you're going to blow boogers sideways. ULTRAWOMAN Ah, Jack wants a nose ring, doesn't she? BLUE FAIRY Yes. ULTRAWOMAN What did you tell him? BLUE FAIRY I told him that his mother and I will let him get one when we feel he's old enough to make rational decisions for herself. ULTRAWOMAN Eighteen? BLUE FAIRY Forty. There is a small commotion outside the room. ULTRAWOMAN What was that? BLUE FAIRY I don't know. You and I are the only ones here and Capeman isn't due back for another hour. Maybe its that damned clown again. They walk out to investigate. EXT. WATCHTOWER CORRIDOR The corridor is dark when Blue Fairy enters. He gives off a blue glow when he enters illuminating the hall somewhat. Ultrawoman enters right after him. ULTRAWOMAN Hello? Capeman? Cos? Chunk? Nightflyer? Hello? BLUE FAIRY Nobody he-- BLAM! A bolt of energy blasts Blue Fairy. He falls to the ground, his blue light fades leaving the hall in darkness. Ultrawoman quickly checks to see if he's okay, then gets up to face their attackers, energy crackles around her body. ULTRAWOMAN I don't think you understand who you're F**CKING with! She throws several energy blasts into the dark hallway giving momentary illumination. We see that three armored Jennifer Hanson Empire soldiers are coming towards her, her energy blasts bounce off them harmlessly. ULTRAWOMAN Oh, HELL! Ultrawoman grabs Blue Fairy and drags him into the infirmary, shutting and locking the door behind them. INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY Ultrawoman puts Blue Fairy down and runs to a communicator. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman! Cosmic Weasel! Someone answer me! There is only static on the radio. WHAM! The aliens begin to beat down the door. Ultrawoman whirls around as the door is dented inwards. EXT. GOTHIC CITY - NIGHT A dark forboding city with Gothic architecture and a run down feel. NIGHTFLYER crouched on a gargoyle, scowling at the city. COSMIC WEASEL walks up behind him. COSMIC WEASEL (a long beat) HI! NIGHTFLYER GAH! The startled Nightflyer falls off the building. After a second or two, a grappler flies up and latches on to Cosmic Weasel's head. Nightflyer crawls back up onto the building. NIGHTFLYER Jackass. Cosmic Weasel takes the grappler off his head. COSMIC WEASEL You know, for the world's sixteenth greatest detective, I would have thought you would have heard me coming. What are you doing up here anyway? NIGHTFLYER I'm brooding. COSMIC WEASEL Brooding? NIGHTFLYER Brooding. COSMIC WEASEL Why? NIGHTFLYER It's what us dark heroes do. A beat. COSMIC WEASEL Why? NIGHTFLYER Because we just do. COSMIC WEASEL But why? Why do you have to be so solemn? Why do you do what you do? Why? Why? Why? Camera closes in on Nightflyer as he thinks back. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. A MANSION Willard Van Der Poof - a nine year old boy - sits in the center of the extravagant mansion living room as a fire roars in the fireplace. He is playing with a toy horse. MOM and DAD enters. Mom is wearing pearls and other extravagant adornments. MOM How's mommy's little angel? WILLARD I WANT MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND I WANT IT NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! DAD Now Willard, son, we have to wait for the other guest to arrive and... WILLARD (screaming) NOW! NOW! NOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! MOM Okay, shnookums! WILLARD I want my horsey! DAD We're going to get your horsey, son. WILLARD (screaming) NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! Two men appear in the shadows. MAN I'm afraid no ones gettin' any horses today, kiddo. MOM (gasp) Oh my stars! DAD Who are you? What are you doing in my house? The two men step out of the shadows revealing they are two uniformed agents. AGENT MONEYTAKER I'm Agent Moneytaker. This is Agent Lifesucker. AGENT LIFESUCKER Hello. AGENT MONEYTAKER We're with the IRS. MOM NO! AGENT MONEYTAKER Yes. You haven't paid taxes since 1957... I'm afraid you're both going to jail and the government is going to take all your stuff including the pony you have in the front yard with the pretty blue bow on it. They handcuff Mom and Dad and lead them out. Willard jumps up and down around them as they are led out. WILLARD NO! I WANT MY HORSEY! I WANT MY HORSEY! He grabs his Mom's strand of pearls and they break, scattering pearls all over the floor as Mom and Dad are led out by the agents. Willard is on his knees and cries out to the night. WILLARD HOOOOOOOOOOORSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. GOTHIC CITY As before. Cosmic Weasel is looking at Nightflyer with a confused look on his face. Tears are streaming down Nightflyer's face. NIGHTFLYER (sniffs, whispers) Horsey... COSMIC WEASEL You mean to tell me that you fight evil because your parents were busted for tax evasion before they gave you the pony you wanted for your eighth birthday? NIGHTFLYER I fight crime to protect the innocent and right wrongs. COSMIC WEASEL Oh... for a second there, I thought you had some major issues with horses or something. (a beat) You don't, do you? NIGHTFLYER Neigh. COSMIC WEASEL Did you just say...? BLAM! The building they were standing on EXPLODES into a million pieces. The camera pans up to reveal an ALIEN ARMADA parked over Gothic City. INT. THE WRECKAGE Cosmic Weasel and Nightflyer lie under the rubble, unconscious. INT. AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT Thad, Bippo, and Colossal Chunk are sitting at an eatery. Chunk is wearing a bib and chowing down on spaghetti. THAD I'm telling you, Bippo, being a member of the Justice Squad has it's perks. For one, if you want good Italian food.. you can just hop in the transporter and BAM! You're in Italy. Bippo is staring at Colossal Chunk wordlessly as Chunk devours his meal. THAD Bippo? Thad waves his hand in front of Bippo's face. THAD Bippo? Bippo snaps out of it. BIPPO HE WAS DEAD WHEN I GOT THERE! (a beat) Oh, Thad... I thought you were someone else. (points to Chunk) He's so... yellow. THAD Yeah. BIPPO He's like a giant rubber ducky... only without all that duck stuff. THAD And less intelligent. BIPPO Why did he have to come with us? Why can't we just do things like we used to do in the old days without carrying around this yellow yutz? THAD You know we can't leave Colossal Chunk by himself! Last time we did that, he wandered off and we didn't find him for a month! BIPPO What happened to him? THAD Nothing... We found him staring at a lava lamp in the mall. COLOSSAL CHUNK Heh... Gooey lamp. BIPPO So... what's tons-of-fun's story? COLOSSAL CHUNK Fire hurty. Brain no worky. Me no likey. BIPPO Oh, well... I'm glad that's cleared up. THAD Actually, Chunk used to be the leading field in quantum physics, biology, and advanced thinking. BIPPO Him? THAD Yep... at least, until that fateful day... The picture begins to ripple. BIPPO I've got to get my eyes checked. Everything's gone wavy! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. A LAB A geeky scientist in a lab coat and thick glasses, DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK is working at a lab table. DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK There! So much for that faster than light propulsion engine that runs on ozone depleting carcinogens and turns them into fresh drinking water... Now to work on colonizing Mars. Unbeknownst to him, a Bunsen burner catches his sleeve on fire. He works on his clipboard for just a moment. DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK (sniffs) What a curious smell. He looks down and sees that his arm is on fire. DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK GAH! He runs to a fire extinguisher, but trips and falls into a boiling chemical vat. He flops back out of it and immediately bursts into flames. DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK ARGH! He flails around igniting several cabinets labeled "CURE FOR EVERYTHING", "IMMORTALITY SERUM", "SOLUTION FOR WORLD HUNGER" and "SPAM-MAIL AND POP-UP BLOCKER" which all burn to the ground. Finally, he falls out the window. EXT. THE LABRATORY Doctor Dick St. Dick's flaming body falls out of the twentieth story window and crashes into a pond labeled "RADIOACTIVE ACID!". He crawls out, now a burned, broken, and blackened mess, and wanders into a field labeled "WARNING: GAMMA RAYS TESTS IN PROGRESS!". He is hit by a beam of light and falls down face first into the dirt. DOCTOR DICK ST. DICK Ow. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT Bippo is listening wide-eyed to Thad as Colossal Chunk continues to eat happily in the background. THAD ...when he regained consciousness, he'd mutated into a gigantic yellow beast with the strength of a god, but the mind of a retarded four year-old. BIPPO That's amazing! His name is actually Dick St. Dick! BLAM! A wall explodes HEEHUCK and KARKALACK enter. HEEHUCK (to Karkalack) You just CAN'T use the door like a civilized entity, can you? KARKALACK That's enough, dear. HEEHUCK Even these filthy little human things can use a door. KARKALACK That's enough, dear. HEEHUCK But noooooo, you just blow it up like a Morlockian mind slave! KARKALACK SILENCE! HEEHUCK Don't YOU take that tone with me! I'm not a lesser life form! You can't just yell SILENCE at me and expect ME to be silent! They continue to argue as Thad, Bippo, and Colossal Chunk look on. BIPPO Thad, don't we know them? THAD They look familiar, I... (he snaps his fingers) You remember a couple of years back when Liam brought that alien home and then this other alien bounty hunter came looking for him? I think these are the same guys! Thad cautiously walks up to the arguing couple. THAD Excuse me... They stop arguing and look at him. KARKALACK The human is speaking to us. Pipe down and DO NOT make me look bad! HEEHUCK You hardly need me for that. KARKALACK (whiney high-pitched voice) Honey, don't embarrass me in front of the primate! (to Thad, normal) Yes, human? THAD Uh... aren't you guys from the Zorbarbain Confederation (TM)? Karkalack looks at Heehuck and then back at Thad. KARKALACK We were formerly called the Zorbarbians, but now we are called... A beat. You can tell Karkalack is having a hard time with this. KARKALACK (mumbles) ...the Jennifer Hanson Empire. THAD I'm sorry. The what? KARKALACK The Jennifer Hanson Empire. There is a long pause. Thad looks at Bippo. Bippo looks at Thad. Thad looks back at the aliens. KARKALACK Well? SAY SOMETHING! TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE JENNIFER HANSON EMPIRE! Thad contorts his face, snorts, stammers, and then begins to laugh so hard he cries. The other patrons in the restaurant, including Bippo, begin laughing. Colossal Chunk colors on his place mat. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk like red. KARKALACK That's it! Karkalack pulls out a blaster and starting shooting up the place. Thad ducks behind a table. KARKALACK WE ARE HERE FOR THE JUSTICE SQUAD MEMBERS KNOWN AS WOLFMAN AND COLOSSAL CHUNK! WHERE ARE THEY!? COLOSSAL CHUNK (happily raises hand) Me chunk. KARKALACK What? COLOSSAL CHUNK Me chunk. KARKALACK Then... DIE!!! Karkalack aims his gun and prepares to fire when, suddenly, a clawed foot kicks it out of his hand. Camera pans to reveal WOLFMAN standing there ready to kick some ass. KARKALACK Ah... Wolfman, I presume? WOLFMAN Oh, graduated at the top of your class, did you? Karkalack lunges forward, but Wolfman leaps out of the way and runs past Colossal Chunk. WOLFMAN Colossal Chunk! COLOSSAL CHUNK Doggie man! WOLFMAN Yeah, doggie man. Listen, you see the two blue things? COLOSSAL CHUNK Yuh-huh? WOLFMAN Them's bad people! Go smash! COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH! Like a force of nature, Chunk comes down on the aliens. Beating the crap out of Karkalack. Heehuck stands there with her hands crossed making tut-tut-tut noises as her mate is severely beaten. HEEHUCK You know, this is so like you... Start something you just can't finish. I don't know why I life bonded with you. I could have married Wacikix. He's a nerf herder, you know. Do you have any IDEA what a nerf herder makes? Chunk is beating Karkalack senseless. Wolfman walks up to him. WOLFMAN Good job, big guy. COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH! Colossal Chunk punches Wolfman sending him though a wall. He lands in the street unconscious. HEEHUCK I hate having to clean up my life mate's messes. She pulls out a small gun and shoots Chunk. He goes down. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk go night-night. Chunk passes out. HEEHUCK Never trust a male to do a female's job. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. A RESTAURANT Several people are eating as a man in a suit - the ANNOUNCER - walks towards the camera. ANNOUNCER We all know what happens to the Kentucky Derby winners, but what about the losers? Well, come on down to our new restaurant and strap on the feedbag. We're KENTUCKY FRIED HORSE! A family is ordering food from a waitress. FATHER Does the hindquarters feed a whole family? WAITRESS Why, it's the "mane" course! KID I want a box of noses! WAITRESS It's in the home stretch! The announcer walks back into frame. ANNOUNCER Kentucky Fried Horse. Unlike McDonalds, we're proud to admit what we serve. Two cooks lead a horse into the kitchen in the background. -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: EXT. GOTHIC CITY The giant spacecraft looms overhead the demolished building. Two Jennifer Hanson Empire aliens sift through the rubble. One of them pulls the unconscious body of NIGHTFLYER out of the rubble. ALIEN #1 Here, I've found the one known as Nightflyer. The other walks into frame carrying Cosmic Weasel. ALIEN #2 And I have the one known as Cosmic Woodchuck. These two will make excellent trophies for the Jennifer Hanson Empire! ALIEN #1 Quickly, let's peel their skin from their bones before they begin to stink. THWACK! Something hits Alien #2 across the head. The alien goes down and drops Cosmic Weasel on the ground. The object that hit the alien zooms into the air and makes an arch and comes back the other direction. POW! The other alien is hit and goes down on top of Nightflyer. The object flies back to it's point of origin where it is caught. We see that the object is a shield with a moon shaped icon on it. The camera moves back to reveal LUNA, the Atlantean Amazonion warrior from the island of Kirbylee. She unsheathes a sword and takes up a fighting stance. As the two aliens get back up. ALIEN #1 Who the hell is...? LUNA I am Luna... Child of Kirbylee. You are the creatures from the stars above that the television box spoke of. You've come to this land looking for a fight and now you have found one. The two aliens look at each other and shrug. ALIEN #1 We are the advance guards of the Jennifer Hanson Empire. LUNA I'm sorry... The what? ALIEN #1 (sighs) The Jennifer Hanson Empire. Luna starts to laugh. ALIEN #2 Oh, yuck it up Xena. When we're done here, we're going to find this Kirbyloo place and blast it off this miserable planet! Luna stops laughing. LUNA Oh, you have no idea what a terrible move that was. I'M WAY CUTER THAN XENA!!! Luna flips off the pile of rubble she was standing on and somersaults to the first alien screaming AYE-AYE-AYE-AYE!!! In a whirl of fists and feet, she does some serious kung fu on the alien who falls down in a bloody mess. The other alien looms over her ready to attack her from behind with a nasty knife. LUNA (snaps fingers) Kitty. BAM! A giant green tiger pounces on the alien and mauls him. The spacecraft from above begins firing at Luna, but she manages to leap away from the bombardment. Luna throws her sword at the ship. It rips through the underside and breaks through the top. The ship lists and crashes into a convent. Luna looks around, bites her lip, and whistles innocently as she slowly walks away. Nuns run screaming everywhere. Luna walks over to Cosmic Weasel and picks him up. Taking his head, she brings him closer and closer to her lips until... LUNA (SCREAMS) JESSE, WAKE UP! COSMIC WEASEL I SWEAR I THOUGHT SHE WAS 18! He looks around. COSMIC WEASEL I mean... a size eighteen. Luna? What are you doing here? LUNA Saving your worthless hide, Glaspey! COSMIC WEASEL We're in the field, honey! Try to use our code names. Where's Nightflyer? NIGHTFLYER (muffled) I'mmm mmover here! Luna and Comic Weasel pull Nightflyer out from under the body of the giant alien. COSMIC WEASEL Are you okay? NIGHTFLYER Brooding heros don't feel pain. COSMIC WEASEL Then why are you crying? NIGHTFLYER Allergies. (re: Luna) Who's this? COSMIC WEASEL This is Luna. She's my girlfriend. LUNA Ex-Girlfriend. COSMIC WEASEL Right, ex... anyway, she's from the island of Kirbylee and she's a heck of a warrior. Cosmic Weasel puts his arm over her shoulder and grins. Luna looks at it with disgust. LUNA (snaps fingers) Kitty. COSMIC WEASEL That's a pet name you've never called me bef-- WHAM! The giant green tiger pounces on Cosmic Weasel and pins him to the ground. Nightflyer looks at Cos on the ground with the tiger growling at him and then looks back at Luna. NIGHTFLYER I take it the two of you have had some history? LUNA Jesse convinced me to come with him to the world of man to see the wonders of technology and the modern age. Instead, all I saw was oppression, bigotry and crime. I've vowed to stop that through the peaceful means taught to me by my sisters on Kibrylee and, if that doesn't work, I'll just say to hell with it and start gutting the bastards. COSMIC WEASEL (O.C.) DOWN KITTY! DOWN KITTY! NIGHTFLYER (thumbs at Jesse) What about him? LUNA That's Devour, he's my faithful pet from Kirbylee. I sent for him when I broke up with... NIGHTFLYER No, I mean why'd you break up with the Cosmic Weasel? LUNA Oh, you know... Afraid of commitment... not sensitive... inconsiderate. But enough about what he said about me... I told him to stop whining or I would break his arm. He broke up with me and I, in turn, broke him in half. NIGHTFLYER That does explain the body cast he was in a couple of months ago. COSMIC WEASEL I think we're loosing sight of the situation at hand! LUNA (sighs) Devour, let him up. Devour gets off of Cosmic Weasel, but continues to growl at him. COSMIC WEASEL Thanks. Anyway, we were just blasted by aliens. ALIENS! NIGHTFLYER You do have a point. I suppose this could be an invasion or something. We should try to contact the others. Luna, you seem to be rather good at what you do. How about you and that tiger come with us? LUNA We would be honored to join in your fight. COSMIC WEASEL And perhaps later, we could... SMACK! Luna punches Cosmic Weasel in the face. COSMIC WEASEL Or not. INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY Ultrawoman has braced the door and put Blue Fairy on a bed next to the still unconscious Quasar. The camera focuses on a communicator on a table. NIGHTFLYER (over communicator) Ultrawoman, this is Nightflyer. Can you hear me? Ultrawoman grabs the communicator. ULTRAWOMAN Willard! NIGHTFLYER (over communicator) DON'T CALL ME WILLARD! Cos and I were just attacked by these aliens and... ULTRAWOMAN Nightflyer, they're on the Watchtower! Get up here now! NIGHTFLYER (over communicator) We can't get the remote computers to respond for transport. In fact, we can't get anyone else to respond. Capeman, Chunk, Wolf boy... they're not answering. ULTRAWOMAN Find the others. I'll try to hold them off as long as I- BLAM! The door explodes inwards. THREE ALIENS enter. Ultrawoman flies up to them and starts punching sending one of them through a bulkhead. Before she can hit another, she is blasted from behind by an energy beam and falls to the ground unconscious. ALIEN #1 Is this the one? ALIEN #2 I don't know... they all look alike to me, but I think this is the female that the human called Mo-gul wanted. Alien #3 enters holding his head. ALIEN #1 Hey, Bernie, you got hit pretty hard. You okay? ALIEN #3 Hit the window cutter... Nestlee. Alien #1 and #2 stare at him for a second. ALIEN #1 Oooookay. Look, how about you take this human female to Krakalack? We'll mop up here. ALIEN #3 Cumbawumba! Alien #3 throws Ultrawoman over his shoulder and staggers out the door. Alien #2 and #1 walk over to the infirmary beds. ALIEN #1 So, you want to kill them both at once or one at a time? ALIEN #2 Hell, I don't care. What's say we skin them both and make their hides into a lovely upolstry for the ship? ALIEN #1 Dibs on the blue one, I...? He looks around. ALIEN #1 Hey, where is the blue one? FWASH! A bolt of energy hits Alien #1, vaporizing him. Alien #2 looks up and see: QUASAR Still pretty banged up, he's holding his cosmic stick, still smoking from the discharge. Bandages drape off of him and he looks mighty pissed. QUASAR Jennifer Hanson, I presume? Alien #2 drops to his knees and starts crying. ALIEN #2 Er... I... Uh... QUASAR Don't stammer. I'm in a lot of pain, I'm pissed off, and I'm wearing a gown that doesn't close in the back. What have you got to say before I kill you, you bug-eyed freak? ALIEN #2 Uh... I've got kids out there somewhere? QUASAR They're better off without you. FWASH! Quasar vaporizes Alien #2 with his cosmic stick. Then, with no small amount of pain, he levitates into the air and takes off after Alien #3 and Ultrawoman. INT. THE WAR ROOM Alien #3 still has Ultrawoman draped over his shoulder and is speaking into a communicator. ALIEN #3 (into communicator) Cream corn wouldn't kiss the core. COMMUNICATOR Roger, initiating transport. Transporter lights whirl around Alien #3 and Ultrawoman as they are beamed away. Quasar rounds the corner and leaps for them. He flies THROUGH the transporter beam and crashes to the ground as the alien and Ultrawoman disappear. Quasar sits on the floor. QUASAR This floor is cold. INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY Quasar enters and picks up the communicator. QUASAR This is Quasar to any remaining members of Justice Squad. Come in! FADE TO: INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY QUASAR, LUNA, COSMIC WEASEL, BLUE FAIRY, and NIGHTFLYER are there. Blue Fairy is treating Quasar with the purple ray. NIGHTFLYER This is it? This is all that's left? BLUE FAIRY Wolfman, Colossal Chunk, and Ultrawoman are MIA and Capeman is in Uranus. COSMIC WEASEL Yeah, Nightflyer wishes. LUNA What? COSMIC WEASEL Nothing. Quasar gets up, apparently much better. Nightflyer walks up to him and gets in his face. NIGHTFLYER All right, you... Start talking. What do you know about these aliens? QUASAR First off, there's a little invention called Listerine you should really look into. NIGHTFLYER Why you...! QUASAR Secondly, these aliens are from The Jennifer Hanson Empire. A pause. NIGHTFLYER The what? QUASAR The Jennifer Hanson Empire. Another pause. QUASAR Yeah, that's just what I thought. Well, if you don't count all the laughing and stuff. That's why they blasted me out of the sky. BLUE FAIRY Yeah, but we checked! Jennifer Hanson is a high school sophomore! Why is a horrible space force from beyond the stars named after her? QUASAR You ever hear of the International Star Registry? LUNA Yes, that is an organization that allows you to name a star for the mere fee of fifty dollars. Jesse named a blue giant in the Orion arm of the galaxy after me. It was the sweetest thing he ever did. COSMIC WEASEL Aw... He puts his arm over her. LUNA (snaps fingers) Kitty. Devour jumps on Cosmic Weasel, pinning him to the ground. Cos continues to scream during the following dialogue. QUASAR Apparently, they're pissed off because some teen-age yahoo renamed their star Jennifer Hanson. BLUE FAIRY Well, a frontal assault on the Jennifer Hanson empire is out of the question. They're too powerful and we're down to less than 50 percent strength. LUNA You can count on my cooperation in this matter, Blue Fairy. QUASAR Mine too. I'm not about to let a bunch of interstellar cocks blow me up and get away with it. COSMIC WEASEL That'll help, but we need organization. We need brains. We need a intelligent leader. Nightflyer straightens his cape and clears his voice, ready to accept the leadership role. NIGHTFLYER We sure do. COSMIC WEASEL We need Ultrawoman back! NIGHTFLYER HEY! (a beat, he composes himself) I mean... Yeah. I wonder where she is? INT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE The lights are turned down. Ultrawoman is chained up to a wall. She wakes up and pulls at the chains trying to break free, but it is no use. RICH E. MOGUL enters. RICH E. MOGUL At last. ULTRAWOMAN Who is that? Who are you? Wait, I know you... You're that Rick Mongul guy. Yes, I saw you on Oprah the other day. RICH E. MOGUL It's Rich E. Mogul, my dear. ULTRAWOMAN Whatever... Listen, Mister Moogle, I've been captured by aliens from the Jennifer Hanson Empire and I... Ultrawoman starts laughing. She composes herself. ULTRAWOMAN Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. Anyway, I've been captured by aliens from outer space. Get me out of these chains or the Earth is doomed! Rich E. Mogul unlocks her chains. ULTRAWOMAN Thank you. RICH E. MOGUL Before you go, Ultrawoman, there is something I want to show you. Ultrawoman checks her watch. ULTRAWOMAN All right, but let's make it quick. INT. A LARGE ROOM. Ultrawoman and Rich E. Mogul enter. Ultrawoman looks shocked at the camera pivots around giving us a 360 degree look at the room. It's filled with Ultrawoman pictures, memorabilia, T-Shirts, action figures, posters, mugs, and various assorted merchandise. The camera finds Ultrawoman again. ULTRAWOMAN You appear to have an unhealthy unnatural obsession with me. Normally, I like that in a man but I'm more than a little creeped out right now. RICH E. MOGUL Indeed. Then you must know that I am a very rich man and there is little I do not own. He caresses her cheek. ULTRAWOMAN Uh, what are you doing? RICH E. MOGUL Admiring pure beauty. ULTRAWOMAN Well, thanks. I owe a lot of it to a great exfoliate I get from... (a beat) Wait a minute.. RICH E. MOGUL Marry me, Ultrawoman! ULTRAWOMAN What!? RICH E. MOGUL Be mine as I always knew you would be... as you SHOULD be! ULTRAWOMAN Mister Mongrel, what's this all about? RICH E. MOGUL I'm about to be the ruler of the world! I'm about to have all the power I've ever wanted for myself and I want the most powerful woman at my side. ULTRAWOMAN Okay, this is passing disturbing and heading right for sick. Obviously, I can't marry you, Mister Mollusk, I... RICH E. MOGUL Please, call me Rich. ULTRAWOMAN All right, Rick. I can't marry you. You're... Well, you're evil. RICH E. MOGUL It's Rich... I'll give you that. I am evil. But what would good be without evil? Isn't it reasonable to assume that good can't exist without evil? So, doesn't that mean that evil is somehow good in a way? ULTRAWOMAN Well, perhaps, but... NO! No, evil is evil and I will never love you! RICH E. MOGUL I could change your mind! ULTRAWOMAN Oh, piss off or I will... RICH E. MOGUL You'll what? You can't do anything to me! He turns motioning to his collection. RICH E. MOGUL You see, I've been studying you for years. Learning your every move and I've noticed that you never hurt us mere mortals. Never once have you ever raised your fist against an... ARGH! Ultrawoman hits Mogul over the head with her deluxe-sized action figure. He falls to the ground unconscious. Ultrawoman looks at the small doll. ULTRAWOMAN My ass isn't THAT big, is it? She tosses it aside and takes off, crashing through the ceiling and sending a cascade of debris down on Mogul. Krakalack and Heekuck enter and look at the gaping hole in the ceiling. HEEHUCK What was that racket? KARKALACK It looks like the human female called Ultrawoman killed the human male Mo-gul and escaped. HEEHUCK No matter. KARKALACK Yeah, we were planning on killing him and eating him anyway. Come on, let's go conquer that annoying Chile place. They walk out and shut the door. RICH E. MOGUL crawls out of the rubble. RICH E. MOGUL So, you were going to double cross Rich E. Mogul, eh? Well, we'll see about THAT! MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER New, from DONCO, it's the coolest action figures EVER! It's THE JUSTICE SQUAD! LITTLE BOY Justice Squad ASSEMBLE! ANNOUNCER COLLECT THEM ALL! Capeman with Judo Chop action! Nightflyer with Triangle Launcher and limp wrist action! Colossal Chunk! LITTLE BOY He glows in the dark! ANNOUNCER Cosmic Weasel! He says over FIFTY PHRASES!!! COSMIC WEASEL DOLL Der... I are STOOPID! LITTLE BOY It's SO COOL! ANNOUNCER So, kids, tell your parents you want JUSTICE SQUAD ACTION FIGURES from DONCO, because if you don't collect all of them, the terrorists have ALREADY WON!!! ANNOUNCER (fast) May contain small parts that will choke any kid stupid enough to eat them. -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: EXT. EARTH ORBIT A GIANT DISK-SHAPED CONTROL SHIP hovers in orbit. INT. A HALLWAY Heehuck and Krakalack walk down the corridor of the ship. HEEHUCK There are still members of Justice Squad unaccounted for. KARKALACK They are of no concern to me. HEEHUCK Oh, sure... just like the Kreeb on Dranuix V were no concern. KARKALACK That was completely different! HEEHUCK You KNOW how much I liked that quilt! KARKALACK ENOUGH! That's all you ever do anymore is nag, nag, nag, nag! They round a corner. WOLFMAN and COLOSSAL CHUNK are being held to the walls by an unknown force. WOLFMAN Hey, how are we being held against the walls? Is it, like, you have control of gravity or you altered the laws of physics or it's a forcefield or a...? KARKALACK Superglue. Now, shut up. HEEHUCK What are you going to do with them, Karkalack? You're not going to keep them as a pet like you did with that little alien that burst out of the maid, are you? Sure, it was cute at first... but now all it does is spit acid all over the place and eat company! KARKALACK No, I'm interested in these two. WOLFMAN Aw, that's sweet. HEEHUCK What's so special about these two? KARKALACK (indicates Chunk) This one. A highly evolved body with the brain of a field mouse. Is this the next possible step in human evolution? COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk go potty in pants. KARKALACK (indicates Thad) And this one... Highly attuned senses and covered in hair. A mutant? An aberration? HEEHUCK Maybe it's one of those Hobbits we kept reading about on the internet. Just kill them. KARKALACK No, I will not just kill them like insignificant pests. They're too valuable! WOLFMAN (to Heehuck) BURN! KARKALACK Therefore, I shall meticulously dissect them a piece at a time. I'm rather curious to see how long they will live after I remove vital organs from them. WOLFMAN Yeah, I... No, wait... Aw, crap! Not so fast, Karkalack! When Capeman finds out what you're doing, he's going to come back here and beat your ass faster than you can say Independence Day! Karkalack presses a button. A wall rotates around revealing an unconscious CAPEMAN pinned to a wall. Karkalack slowly walks towards Wolfman and smiles. KARKALACK In... de... pen... dence... Day. EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. A GIANT DISK-SHAPED SPACESHIP hovers over the WHITE HOUSE EXT. NEW YORK CITY A GIANT DISK-SHAPED SPACESHIP hovers over the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING EXT. LONDON A GIANT DISK-SHAPED SPACESHIP hovers over BIG BEN. EXT. SIDNEY A GIANT DISK-SHAPED SPACESHIP hovers over the OPERA HOUSE. EXT. KABUL A GIANT DISK-SHAPED SPACESHIP hovers over a crater in the ground. INT. THE WHITE HOUSE GEORGE W. BUSH marches into the OVAL OFFICE where ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, NIGHTFLYER, COSMIC WEASEL, LUNA, and QUASAR are waiting. GEORGE W. BUSH All right, let's make this quickified. I have a golf appointment at five. ULTRAWOMAN Mister President, the world is about to be obliterated by aliens from outer space. GEORGE W. BUSH But... But why? What did we ever do to them? NIGHTFLYER We renamed their homeworld "Jennifer Hanson". GEORGE W. BUSH Why in God's name did we do that? Was it for a lobbyist for a campaign distribution? Because if it was, that's understandable. ULTRAWOMAN No... it doesn't matter. The point is, this is a vast army and the Justice Squad can't handle it by themselves. COSMIC WEASEL So, basically, we want access to all of the alien stuff you've got in Area 51. GEORGE W. BUSH Cosmic Beaver... COSMIC WEASEL Weasel. GEORGE W. BUSH Whatever. I assure you, contrary fied to what you've seen on TV, there IS no Area 51. COLIN POWEL steps out of the shadows. COLIN POWEL Actually, sir, that's not quite true. FADE TO: EXT. AREA 51 A base out in the Nevada desert. The front gate is guarded by armed guards and the sign says "WELCOME TO AREA 51 - NOW GO AWAY OR WE'LL KILL YOU". INT. AREA 51 George W. Bush, Colin Powel, Ultrawoman, Cosmic Weasel, Blue Fairy, Luna, Nightflyer, and Quasar walk into a large room filled with alien stuff. GEORGE W. BUSH This is an OUTRAGE! Why wasn't I told about this? COLIN POWEL Sir, we did tell you about this when you first took office. You were playing with a paddle ball, so I guess it was a little hazy. GEORGE W. BUSH Hey, paddle ball sounds keen right now. Where is my paddle ball? COLIN POWEL You left it at the White House. GEORGE W. BUSH This is an OUTRAGE! COLIN POWEL Yes sir, I know... but it is important that you understand that you've known about this place the whole time. GEORGE W. BUSH Which place? COLIN POWEL Area 51. GEORGE W. BUSH AREA 51!? Why wasn't I told it was here!? This is an OUTRAGE! COLIN POWEL (a beat) Sir, I think your paddle ball might be in that closet. George W. Bush walks over to the closet. Colin Powel shuts the door and locks him inside. COLIN POWEL (to Justice Squad) Right. Follow me please. They walk into the room where scientists are working on a bunch of alien crap including a stargate, a Bajoran orb, a dead Cylon, a lightsaber, and the T.A.R.D.I.S. COLIN POWEL We've been working here ever since President Reagan was given nightmares after watching that movie, Lifeforce, back in 1983. With the help of the world's greatest scientists, we've been trying to formulate the best way to repel an alien task force. ULTRAWOMAN And what is the most effective way of repelling them? COLIN POWEL Well, we've been trying to appeal to the Jennifer Hanson Empire by beaming examples of our diverse culture to their spaceship. Right now, I believe we are broadcasting the best material that television has to offer. CUT TO: INT. THE MOTHER SHIP Krakalack is watching ANDROMEDA on his TV. KEVIN SORBO (on TV) Space... it's really, really big. I mean it. It's totally huge and it... oh NO! SPACE VAMPIRES!!! Krakalack takes out a microcassette recorder. KARKALACK Note to self: Find the one called Sor-bow and eat his skin. CUT TO: INT. AREA 51 - AS BEFORE The gang walks by large vats containing alien bodies preserved in formaldehyde. We see E.T., Chewbacca, Blarp from Lost in Space, and a couple of others. Quasar looks in one of the vats and sees a member of his own race bobbing up and down in the liquid. Quasar looks at Colin Powel with a look that says "What the HELL!?". COLIN POWEL Uh... He fell down the stairs. The gang continues on. A wild-eyed scientist with long gray hair meets them. COLIN POWEL Justice Squad, this is Doctor Okun. DOCTOR OKUN Wow! Like, wow! COLIN POWEL He's the head of Area 51. DOCTOR OKUN I can't believe that, at long last, our long hours of research here at the base will finally be used to save the world! The members of Justice Squad looks at each other and slump. COSMIC WEASEL We're doomed. ULTRAWOMAN All right, what kind of weapons do you have here? DOCTOR OKUN Well, we have this. Doctor Okun takes out a small gun and fires, vaporizing an entire wall and exposing a man sitting on a toilet. MAN HEY! ULTRAWOMAN Impressive. DOCTOR OKUN The only drawback is that it takes a new 9-Volt after every discharge. They watch as Doctor Okun changes the battery. DOCTOR OKUN Just a minute... Just a minute... COSMIC WEASEL Do you realize he just said "discharge"? Doctor Okun finishes changing the battery and holds up the gun. DOCTOR OKUN There you go! All ready for another round. You'll need these. Doctor Okun hands Nightflyer a large bag of batteries. ULTRAWOMAN Do you have anything else? Any way we can actually defeat the aliens without having to change a 9 volt in the middle of a fire fight? DOCTOR OKUN No, I don't... but I know someone who will! Let's ask COMPUTRON! Doctor Okun pulls on a rope, parting some curtains revealing a LARGE COMPUTER. LUNA What manner of contraption is that? DOCTOR OKUN That is COMPUTRON! It is the most sophisticated computer ever built. There's no problem it can't solve. Go ahead. Ask it a question. ULTRAWOMAN All right. How can we defeat the Jennifer Hanson Empire? COMPUTRON The Jennifer Hanson Empire may be defeated if one attacks the command ship, thus cutting off communications to the scout ships and leaving the aliens in disarray. ULTRAWOMAN I see. Impressive computer, Doctor Okun. BLUE FAIRY Yeah, it's much better than the NightComputer in Nightflyer's NightCave. NIGHTFLYER I will have you know, that I built that computer out of scratch! Sure, ever since I installed Windows XP on it, it hasn't worked quite right, but you can still play a decent game of Rollercoaster Tycoon. DOCTOR OKUN There's nothing to be ashamed of. Computron was built out of programming beamed to us from the stars and materials from several crashed alien spacecrafts. It is simply the most perfect computer ever built. Quasar and Cosmic Weasel are whispering in the background. They giggle and run up to Computron. COSMIC WEASEL We have a problem we'd like Computron to solve. DOCTOR OKUN Go ahead. COSMIC WEASEL Computron, listen to me... Everything that Quasar says is a lie. COMPUTRON Understood. QUASAR Computron, I am not telling the truth. COMPUTRON If everything Quasar says is a lie, then his statement was also a lie. But, his statement was that he was telling a lie, therefore, he was telling the truth... but if he was telling the truth, then... ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! Flames erupt on Computron. COLIN POWEL IT'S GOING TO BLOW! ULTRAWOMAN (to Cos and Quasar) I hope you two are happy. QUASAR Very much so, yes. LUNA (snaps fingers) Kitty. Devour leaps out and starts chasing Quasar and Cosmic Weasel. Everyone runs as the ground begins to shake and debris falls from the ceiling. Finally, a message pops up in the screen with a "PING!" sound effect and everything goes still. COMPUTRON There has been an internal error. Abort, Retry, Fail? DOCTOR OKUN Retry. COMPUTRON Abort, Retry, Fail? DOCTOR OKUN Retry. COMPUTRON Abort, Retry, Fail? DOCTOR OKUN RETRY!!! COMPUTRON Abort, Retry, Fail? DOCTOR OKUN ARGH!!! FADE TO: INT. THE MOTHER SHIP Krakalack stands in front of the incapacitated Capeman, Wolfman, and Colossal Chunk and looks right into the camera. KARKALACK Attention humans! I am Karkalack of the Jennifer Hanson Empire! You have defiled the name of our homeworld, therefore, we shall destroy the surface of your planet! Do not doubt our power... as you can see, we have already dealt with your most powerful heroes! You have twelve hours to surrender! A beat. Karkalack looks off camera. KARKALACK Well, I think that went well. I was going for both menacing and God like... how do you think I did? A beat. He starts scratching his ass. KARKALACK Man, have you ever had an itch pop up during one of those times you just can't scratch? I... He looks at the camera. KARKALACK What do you mean, it's still on? A beat. KARKALACK Oh, frark! He hits a button and the picture goes to static. EXT. THE WAR ROOM Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, Luna, Quasar, Blue Fairy, and Cosmic Weasel are watching the static on the viewer. Donner is standing there as well. NIGHTFLYER He means business. COSMIC WEASEL No joke? I was beginning to think he was just kidding. LUNA (snaps fingers) Kitty. Devour leaps on Cosmic Weasel. DONNER What are you guys waiting for? Go and kill them aliens good! ULTRAWOMAN As usual, you're not looking at the big picture. We can't get to the aliens because we don't know where they are! RICH E. MOGUL (O.C.) But I do! Everyone turns around. Rich E. Mogul is standing there. DONNER WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING HERE!? RICH E. MOGUL Language, Mister Donner. ULTRAWOMAN Donner does have a point, Moogle. What the f**k ARE you doing here? RICH E. MOGUL I've come to help, my precious little flower. I've been on the Jennifer Hanson ships. I know what the layout of there vessels are and where to find their leader, Krakalack. DONNER You want us to trust you? Ha! Fat chance! BLUE FAIRY You aided the enemy, Mogul. Why should we trust you? RICH E. MOGUL I was being manipulated with their... uh... "mind control". I couldn't break free to... QUASAR Why did you do that? RICH E. MOGUL Do what? QUASAR Make quotation marks with your fingers when you said "mind control". RICH E. MOGUL I did no such thing. QUASAR You sure did! ULTRAWOMAN Enough, Quasar! (to Mogul) Do you swear that you're going to help us and not double cross us? RICH E. MOGUL Absolutely. Now that I'm free of the alien's "mind control", I can... QUASAR THERE! He just did it again! RICH E. MOGUL I'm no fool, Ultrawoman. I know that these aliens intend to destroy me as they intend to destroy everyone on Earth. ULTRAWOMAN Very well. Tell us everything. RICH E. MOGUL First, we need a spaceship. ULTRAWOMAN I've got that covered. Nightflyer, ring up Doctor Okun at Area 51 and tell him we want that UFO that crashed at Roswell. NIGHTFLYER Got it. Nightflyer runs off. ULTRAWOMAN Now, Mogul, tell me everything. FADE TO: INT. THE WATCHTOWER LAUNCH BAY Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Cosmic Weasel, Luna, Quasar, Donner, Rich E. Mogul, and Nightflyer are all standing by the spacecraft. RICH E. MOGUL ...the bad news is, the aliens have technology that can allow them to track meta-human biorhythms. Therefore, you can only send normal unpowered members of the Justice Squad on the raid. ULTRAWOMAN Normal unpowered members? RICH E. MOGUL Well, members with no internal superpowers. Nightflyer, for example. He's just a normal guy if you take away the brooding and that stupid costume with the pink triangle thing on it. What does that stand for anyway? NIGHTFLYER The triangle has three sides... Truth, honor, and loyalty. That is what I stand for. COSMIC WEASEL I thought it was because you're... He stops himself. NIGHTFLYER Because I'm... what? COSMIC WEASEL (apprehensive) You know. NIGHTFLYER No, I don't know! Because I'm WHAT!? COSMIC WEASEL (mumbles) Gay. NIGHTFLYER I didn't hear that. COSMIC WEASEL Because you're GAY! A long beat. NIGHTFLYER Gay? Another long beat. COSMIC WEASEL Well, you ARE gay, aren't you? Another long beat. NIGHTFLYER (livid) I am... NOT gay! BLUE FAIRY You're not!? I always assumed you were! NIGHTFLYER This from the fat man in the blue tutu and fairy wings? ULTRAWOMAN You have to admit, Nightflyer, you may not be gay... but you do act like it. NIGHTFLYER I only act this way to get chicks, dumbass! No, I'm not gay. In fact, I HATE gay people. I mean, I remember once I was in this bar and this gay guy came up to me and was all, like, hitting on me and stuff. It totally grossed me out. RICH E. MOGUL Yes, so like I was saying, only heroes with non-internalized power can go and infiltrate the mother ship. NIGHTFLYER Yeah, it was totally disgusting. I bought him a drink just to mess with him. LUNA That means Devour and I may go on the mission as well? RICH E. MOGUL Yes, my dear. NIGHTFLYER So he was all, like, ogling me and everything. Made me want o puke, right? So I took him home just to mess with his head. ULTRAWOMAN All right, Luna, Nightflyer... Quasar, you can go to since all of your power is derived from your cosmic stick. QUASAR Gotcha, babe. NIGHTFLYER And then, just to mess with his mind some more, I had sex with him. ULTRAWOMAN Blue Fairy, I think you... A beat, everyone looks at Nightflyer. After a few seconds, they turn back to the conversation. ULTRAWOMAN Blue Fairy, I think you could be okay to go as well since your magic is in your wand. BLUE FAIRY Actually, I have internal powers as well. ULTRAWOMAN Cos? COSMIC WEASEL Sorry. Weasel power and agility comes from within. ULTRAWOMAN Damn... I hate to send only three people and a green tiger. DONNER Hey, I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Looks like Earth is doomed, huh? I'm just glad I'm on the moon. Everyone looks at Donner and Rich E. Mogul. RICH E. MOGUL What's everyone looking at? DONNER Did I fart? FADE TO: EXT. MOON WATCHTOWER The spacecraft takes off from the hangar. As it gets closer to the camera, we see the words "THE WEASEL WAGON" crudely painted on the side. DONNER and RICH E. MOGUL are at the windows trying to pry their way out of the craft as it passes the camera and zooms towards the mother ship. INT. THE WATCHTOWER LAUNCH BAY Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and Cosmic Weasel are watching the ship take off. COSMIC WEASEL Now what? ULTRAWOMAN Now, we call in a few favors. They start to walk off camera. BLUE FAIRY Nightflyer... who knew he was such a closet case? INT. THE SPACESHIP Quasar is at the controls. Luna and Devour sit in the back with Nightflyer, Donner, and Rich E. Mogul. DONNER I just want you to know that my lawyers will be notified of this as soon as we get back to Earth. RICH E. MOGUL Mine will be too! I'm too rich to be put in any danger! NIGHTFLYER If you two don't shut up, I'm going to turn this ship around and go right back the way we came. A beat. NIGHTFLYER I mean... you know what I mean. QUASAR Once on board, we have to find the ship's communications array. If we destroy that, the others will be able to move in. LUNA We also have to focus on rescuing Wolfman, Colossal Chunk, and Capeman. NIGHTFLYER We can't. LUNA What? NIGHTFLYER We won't have time. As soon as the Jennifer Hanson Empire finds out that we're there, we'll be overwhelmed. Just pray for them, my friends, maybe they will be saved by a divine force of goodness. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP Capeman, Wolfman, and Colossal Chunk are held up against the wall. Colossal Chunk is singing. COLOSSAL CHUNK Nine bottle beer on wall. Nine bottle beer. CAPEMAN Please stop. COLOSSAL CHUNK Take one down. Pass around. WOLFMAN Stop. COLOSSAL CHUNK Uh... Four bottle beer on wall. CAPEMAN Please stop. COLOSSAL CHUNK Four bottle beer on wall. Four bottle beer. WOLFMAN IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DISSECT US, COULD YOU PLEASE START WITH ME!? COLOSSAL CHUNK Take one down. Pass around. BIPPO THE CLOWN APPEARS. BIPPO (operatic) THREE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... WOLFMAN BIPPO! BIPPO ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... WOLFMAN Bippo. BIPPO ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... WOLFMAN Bippo! BIPPO ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... CAPEMAN & WOLFMAN BIPPO!!! BIPPO ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!! Bippo strikes a dramatic pose. CAPEMAN Finally! Listen, chum, we need your help to get free. If we don't, the Jennifer Hanson Empire will-- BIPPO Nineteen bottles of beer on the waaaaaall! COLOSSAL CHUNK Nineteen bottle beer! BIPPO You take one dooooown, pass it arooooound... COLOSSAL CHUNK & BIPPO NINETEEN BOTTLES OF BEER ON WAAAAAAALL! CAPEMAN We are not amused. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP Two JENNIFER HANSON ALIENS walk down the hall. ALIEN #1 Do you smell something? ALIEN #2 Don't start. We're off duty. They continue down the hall. As soon as they are out of sight, QUASAR, LUNA, DEVOUR, NIGHTFLYER, DONNER, and RICH E. MOGUL stick their heads out from behind a corner. NIGHTFLYER (whispers) All clear! They creep down the hall in the opposite direction. NIGHTFLYER Now pay attention, newbies, this is where being the world's sixteenth greatest detective comes in handy. First, I made a visual inspection of the craft on the way here and surmised that the main power generator must be somewhere around the fifth or sixth deck. Therefore, we must comb those decks and search each room individually... besting any opposition we come to. Sure, it will be a long hard road and I'm sure that not all of us will survive, but it is a difficult journey we must all make together. Quasar points. QUASAR Yeah, or we could just go in there. Nightflyer turns and looks. There is a door clearly labeled "POWER GENERATOR ROOM." He looks at the others. NIGHTFLYER Where would you be without me? RICH E. MOGUL (a beat) Somewhere safe. They start walking into the room. DONNER Isn't anyone remotely curious why a door on an alien spaceship from across the galaxy had a sign on it in English? RICH E. MOGUL Oh, you're worse than a fanboy! INT. THE POWER CONTROL ROOM The enters and immediately stick their hands in the air. The camera pans around to reveal KRAKALACK and HEEHUCK as well as an entire LEGION OF SHOCK TROOPS with laser weapons. KARKALACK Good, they fell into our trap! (to Heehuck) And YOU thought they'd be suspicious of the sign! DONNER I hate you guys. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER The blue light is on at K-Mart! The whole store is for sale! LITERALLY! We see a K-Mart with a sign that says "WHOLE STORE: $19.99." A car drives by and throws a bottle at K Mart on their way to Target. ANNOUNCER K-Mart... Always bankrupt... Always. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE POWER CONTROL ROOM Devour growls as the Jennifer Hanson aliens loom over the heroes. Luna places a calming hand on him. KARKALACK So, this is the fabled Justice Squad we've been hearing about. He walks along studying them. He passes Nightflyer. KARKALACK Willard Van Per Poof, AKA Nightflyer. the world's sixteenth greatest detective. He passes Luna. KARKALACK Luna, the warrior princess of Kirbylee. He passes Quasar. KARKALACK Ma'x Qua'sar, the little pus bucket that cut us off on the throughway. He passes Donner. KARKALACK Jason Donner... mortal beneficiary of the Justice Squad. He passes Rich E. Mogul. KARKALACK Rich E. Mogul. Switching sides are we? RICH E. MOGUL You can't tell me what to do anymore, Karkalack, I'm freed of your "mind control". KARKALACK I... (a beat) Why did you do that? RICH E. MOGUL Do what? KARKALACK Make little quotation marks with your fingers when you said "mind control?" RICH E. MOGUL No I didn't! KARKALACK DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME!!! Rich E. Mogul drops to his knees and starts crying. RICH E. MOGUL DON'T KILL ME! THERE'S STILL SO MUCH I DON'T OWN!!! NIGHTFLYER (to Krackalack) So, you know all about us? KARKALACK Yes... AND we have sensors that allow us to track metahuman readings. We detected a faint signal that led us here. Honestly, I expected you all to be smarter than that. The heroes look at each other. NIGHTFLYER Actually, we thought we only brought along unpowered personnel. QUASAR Obviously, we were wrong. NIGHTFLYER Swell. Now what? BLAM! CAPEMAN bursts through the wall. CAPEMAN Sorry I'm late, chums! DONNER Capeman! RICH E. MOGUL He'll save us! QUASAR Did he just say "chum?" KARKALACK Capeman!? How did you escape!? BIPPO, WOLFMAN, and COLOSSAL CHUNK appear in the hole. WOLFMAN You failed to take into consideration the Squad's moocher. Bippo kicks the ground and blushes. BIPPO Aw, shucks. Nightflyer kicks the weapon out of the nearest guard's hands. Luna punches another guard in the face and whistles at Devour, sending him to maul another guard. Quasar takes out his cosmic stick, goes to air, and starts shooting at Jennifer Hanson Empire soldiers. Wolfman sneaks over to Colossal Chunk. WOLFMAN Chunk? COLOSSAL CHUNK Fluffy man. WOLFMAN Yeah, fluffy man. You see those big ugly aliens? COLOSSAL CHUNK Yeah. WOLFMAN Them's bad people. COLOSSAL CHUNK Bad people? WOLFMAN Chunk? COLOSSAL CHUNK Yeah? WOLFMAN Go smash! COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH! Chunk runs for the aliens, accidentally hitting Wolfman in the crotch. Wolfman goes down whimpering as Bippo leaps over him with a chainsaw. BIPPO Welcome to Painsville! Population: YOU! Bippo leaps into the fray. Soon, it is a complete free-for all. INT. THE CORRIDOR Krakalack crawls out of the open door and staggers to his feet. Heehuck calmly follows him out. HEEHUCK Just like you not to stay and finish something. Oh, you bite off more than you can metastasize and, next thing you know, you're running like a little Targ with its tail between its legs. They walk out of frame. LUNA appears in the door and runs after them. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP CONTROL ROOM Krakalack staggers into the room and plops down in front of the controls. Heehuck enters. HEEHUCK Oh, so now I suppose you're just going to give the order to blow the whole planet up, huh? You are SO immature! KARKALACK Heehuck, if you do not cease nagging, I will... WHAM! The ship is hit hard. KARKALACK SON OF AN EWOK!!! EXT. THE MOTHER SHIP A huge army of superheroes fly towards the ship. We see ULTRAWOMAN in the lead, with BLUE FAIRY and the COSMIC WEASEL in his latest WEASEL WAGON (an X-Wing with the words "WEASEL WAGON" crudely spray-painted on the side). Behind them, we see BAHAMA MON, THE TEXAN, BLACK PUMA, THE BIG APPLE, MR T in his custom 1982 GMC Van, and hundreds more. ULTRAWOMAN Hit 'em and hit 'em hard! WHAM! Energy beams lash out from the heroes and cascade across the ship's shields. Other heroes resort to punching the shield itself. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP CONTROL ROOM Krakalack and Heehuck are watching the spectacle. HEEHUCK Every superhero on this planet is attacking us! KARKALACK It is of no matter. We can easily destroy them all when our reinforcements are called. INT. THE POWER CONTROL ROOM The fighting is intense and the room is pretty much destroyed. Rich E. Mogul is hiding behind a panel when he looks up and sees a panel that says COMMUNICATIONS AND STUFF. He ducks as a stray energy blast zings by. DONNER has taken cover nearby. RICH E. MOGUL It's the Communications control juncture! DONNER So what!? RICH E. MOGUL So, if we destroy it, they won't be able to call for reinforcements! I'll be vindicated! I'll be... WHACK! A piece of shattered pipe hits him on the head. He falls forward and breaks the communications panel with his face. DONNER That's using your head. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP CONTROL ROOM Static sounds over the speakers. KARKALACK They've destroyed our communications stuff! HEEHUCK Oh, perfect. That was a gift from Uncle Blark! LUNA appears in the doorway. LUNA YOU! FOUL ALIEN! I have come to put an end to this! Krakalack points a huge gun at her. KARKALACK Is that so? EXT. THE MOTHER SHIP The Weasel Wagon flies by as the heroes continue to attack the ship. We see that the shields are beginning to break up in a few places. INT. THE WEASEL WAGON COSMIC WEASEL is at the controls. Suddenly, he grabs his head. COSMIC WEASEL Weasel senses... tingling... Danger... NEAR! Can't... think or... TALK... normally. He snaps out of it. COSMIC WEASEL Luna is in danger! He grabs the stick and banks left. EXT. THE MOTHER SHIP The Weasel Wagon banks into a gap in the shield and IMPACTS the side of the ship. INT. THE MOTHER SHIP CONTROL ROOM Krakalack, Heehuck, and Luna are thrown off balance by a tremendous explosion. Cosmic Weasel rolls into the room on fire. He stands up and pats himself out before pointing at Karkalack heroically. COSMIC WEASEL YOU! Now you face the might of COSMIC WEASEL!!! KARKALACK Oh, look at me! I'm shaking in my endosketeton! They run and begin fighting each other. LUNA Jesse, stop it! HEEHUCK Krakalack! Cease this senseless display of testosterone immediately! Cos and Krakalack continue to fight in the background. LUNA Men! HEEHUCK Indeed. LUNA I'm Luna, by the way. HEEHUCK Heehuck. That's Karkalack, my mate. LUNA Oh. He's fighting my ex-boyfriend, Cosmic Weasel. (a beat) This is SO like him. Always jumping in with fists flying before he knows what's going on. HEEHUCK Indeed. I have found myself growing increasingly weary of my mate constantly stirring up hostilities. LUNA It's like it's an instinct with them, isn't it? There is a crashing off camera. Cosmic Weasel and Krakalack tumble by the background. They tumble off to the other side of frame where there is an explosion. HEEHUCK Oh, especially when ego is involved! LUNA Tell me about it. HEEHUCK You know, I'm sure that there is some way we can resolve our differences peacefully. LUNA I DID wish to become an emissary of peace. HEEHUCK After all, you have shown that your planet is more than able to defend itself and we've shown that we may obliterate you at any time. Is there really any need for conflict? LUNA None whatsoever. HEEHUCK Come, let us talk compromise. LUNA Excellent idea. Tell me, have you ever heard of a man's dish called cheesecake? It's delicious. HEEHUCK Really? LUNA Yeah, they're not good for much, but they can cook. FADE TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE GEORGE W. BUSH is playing paddle ball in front of the White House. Ultrawoman, Capeman, Wolfman, Colossal Chunk, Donner, Rich E. Mogul, Nightflyer, Blue Fairy, Bippo, and Quasar are there as well as Heehuck and Krakalack who looks like a whipped little puppy. Cosmic Weasel has a black eye and is in a neck brace. Luna is speaking to the press. LUNA ...and so, in the agreement drafted by myself and Heehuck, the Jennifer Hanson Empire agrees to cease immediately all hostilities in this star system. HEEHUCK In return, there shall be one item of retribution. REPORTER What retribution? LUNA Well, Krackalack of the Jennifer Hanson Empire demanded one thing before he departs. REPORTER What? LUNA (uncomfortable) Well, he asked for fifty dollars. REPORTER That doesn't seem so bad. LUNA So he could take it to the International Star Registry and name a star. (a beat) Our star. Krakalack pushes her out of the way. REPORTER That is correct, humans! Now, I shall deal you the shame dealt to my homeworld! I have pondered long, the name I give your star... The name I give your world and after my deliberations, I have decided to name this ball of mud after a word in my native tongue... a word that describes the escape of gas from a Drexian Wooly Mud Sloth's rectal area. I shall name this place... EARTH!!! A long pause. There is a cough from one of the reporters. Suddenly, Ultrawoman drops to her knees. ULTRAWOMAN NO! God, NO! Not EARTH! Oh, the SHAME!!! She falls to the ground crying, but it looks suspiciously like she's laughing. Nightflyer and Blue Fairy catch on. BLUE FAIRY How will we ever live with ourselves with that name? NIGHTFLYER It's terrible! We'll be the laughing stock of the galaxy! KARKALACK Indeed you will! Come, Heehuck! Let's leave these... EARTHLINGS to their world! He laughs maniacally as he and Heehuck are beamed to the mother ship. EXT. EARTH ORBIT Dozens of spaceships depart the planet. EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE Ultrawoman stands up, laughing so hard that tears stream down her face. The other heroes, Donner, and Rich E. Mogul are laughing as well as members of the press. George W. Bush, however, is on the ground crying. GEORGE W. BUSH Earth!? Not Earth! Oh, the horror! The horror! The heroes look at him and then at Mogul. CAPEMAN Well, Mogul, I hope you're ready to face the music for aiding the aliens. RICH E. MOGUL Aiding aliens? Capeman, I'm shocked that you would think that I, a fine upstanding citizen, would stoop to that. No, I told you that I was under "mind control". QUASAR THERE! DID YOU SEE THAT!? RICH E. MOGUL Besides, you know it was I that took out the alien's communications array. Why, without me, you might not be standing here. You should be THANKING me! He takes Ultrawoman's hand and kisses it. RICH E. MOGUL Until our inevitable reunion, my dear. He walks to a limo and gets in. The limo drives away. Ultrawoman wipes her hand on Capeman's cape. DONNER Well, ain't that a bitch? FADE TO: EXT. THE SURFACE OF THE MOON The camera pans across the surface until it gets to the WATCHTOWER. INT. THE WAR ROOM ULTRAWOMAN is checking the computer. Blue Fairy, Nightflyer, and Capeman are there as well reading letters. CAPEMAN I don't believe this! We've been trying to get new members for two years and the heroes of the world won't return our phone calls. NIGHTFLYER Save the world once, and suddenly everybody wants in! Look at this. Superguy applied for membership. Captain Wonderful wants in and... Oh my God! Mr. T wants a spot at the table! He's so adorable! Everyone looks at Nightflyer. NIGHTFLYER I mean... He's so Un-ignorable! BLUE FAIRY Wow... Mr. T wants to join Justice Squad. A beat. ULTRAWOMAN We've definitely gone from being an embarrassment to the new in thing. Write back to all the applicants and tell them... (a beat) Tell them no. NIGHTFLYER What? Why not? ULTRAWOMAN We've already got a full roster. BLUE FAIRY No we don't, we're still down two members and... and... and... He realizes what she's saying. NIGHTFLYER You mean you want to induct a former criminal and an island savage and her lime tiger? Why? ULTRAWOMAN Why not? They DID help us save the world. Without Quasar warning us, we never would have seen them coming and, without Luna, we never would have negotiated a truce. NIGHTFLYER HA! Why should I vote for them for? Capeman towers over him. CAPEMAN Because you're small, Because you're insignificant, and if you don't I will pummel you until you sing showtunes! NIGHTFLYER You don't have to pummel me for that. Fine, I'll vote for them... IF we make Mr T a reserve member. ULTRAWOMAN Fine. CUT TO: INT. WATCHTOWER INFIRMARY Jesse Glaspey (who is, of course, the secret identity of Cosmic Weasel) is in traction on a bed. Luna enters. LUNA Since you aren't in uniform, can I call you by name? JESSE Sure, babe. Congrads, by the way... you're going to make a great superhero. LUNA Thank you, Jesse. For what it's worth, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never intended for our relationship to go so bad. JESSE Me neither. I should be apologizing to you. I know it was my fault. LUNA No, it was mine. JESSE Luna, please, it was mine. LUNA Mine. JESSE It... was... mine. LUNA It was mine, you selfish prick! JESSE MINE! LUNA Oh, this is so like you! Stubborn! JESSE Yeah, well you're prideful! LUNA You're selfish! JESSE You're controlling! LUNA You're such an assclown! JESSE Buttnugget! LUNA Cockface! JESSE Vaginal queef! LUNA Pus blister! Luna grabs Jesse and kisses him passionately. The camera pans away as ripped clothing is tossed by. The camera gets to the door. BLUE FAIRY enters. BLUE FAIRY All right, Jesse, let's take a look at that... He looks up. BLUE FAIRY Eh, you're fine. He leaves. INT. WATCHTOWER CORRIDOR QUASAR, BIPPO, and THAD walk down the corridor. QUASAR So's they ask me if I want to join and I asks them, "is there a paycheck involved?" and they says yeah. So, I'm here to stay. I'm a member of Justice Squad, baby. Beats cruising around the galaxy doing carnie work, I can tell you that. THAD How about that? We're the protectors of the planet! QUASAR Yeah, now if you'll excuse me, there's a titty movie on Jigglevision right now I'd like to record. THAD Wait up! They run out of frame. BIPPO (rolls eyes) Earth is soooooooooo doomed. He walks out of frame as we... FADE TO: INT. A DARK ROOM A figure is seated in front of a computer screen. MAN The Jennifer Hanson Empire was powerful, but easily beaten when the squad became united. I can promise you all, that they will not find their next challenge so easy. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: THE END Today's show sponsored by USA Pictures NIGHTFLYER: THE MOVIE! Coming out soon! ROLL CREDITS