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JUSTICE SQUAD
Episode 1.40 - SEASON FINALE
"Superfiends"
Written by Jason Gaston
Additional story material by Jesse Glaspey
Remember: Before you attack her, wrap your whacker! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE WAR ROOM Nightflyer, Capeman, Cosmic Weasel, Luna, Blue Fairy, Colossal Chunk, Bippo the Clown, Quasar, and Devour are sitting at or around the conference table. Ultrawoman's seat is empty and everyone looks bored. WOLFMAN enters, tucking his shirt in. WOLFMAN Sorry I'm late, guys, I... CAPEMAN No need to apologize, Wolfman... Donner and Ultrawoman are still in their meeting. WOLFMAN What? The meeting was supposed to have started half an hour ago! NIGHTFLYER Tell me about it. I'm not a huge fan of having my time wasted. WOLFMAN Well, what are they meeting about? QUASAR Donner started bitching about us spending so much money on the hydroponic gardens and explained to us for an hour why we could go without it. WOLFMAN Uh... doesn't that make the oxygen that we breathe? QUASAR Yeah, but he wouldn't hear of it. Ultrawoman took him into her office so we wouldn't see them argue. COSMIC WEASEL Actually, I think that they're having... Luna elbows him in the gut. He starts coughing uncontrollably. Luna crosses her fingers and smiles innocently. WOLFMAN Ah... I hope they're not in too bad a mood. I was told not be late anymore. Donner and Ultrawoman emerge from the office. WOLFMAN Well, it's about time! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting!? NIGHTFLYER I hope at least that the two of you got something accomplished in there! Donner and Ultrawoman look at each other. ULTRAWOMAN We get to keep the hydroponic gardens if that's what you mean. DONNER But to save money on gardening, we're going to stock it with plastic plants. Ultrawoman puts her hands on her hips and gives him a threatening look. DONNER Fine! You can have real plants and real oxygen, you bunch of moochers! Donner sits down and pouts. BIPPO If it will make you feel better, Daddy Warbucks, I've been dabbling in godless scientific genetic dillys and have concocted this... The Bippoanius Aracnuts. He takes a sheet off a box revealing a small terrarium containing a small blue spider. BIPPO More commonly known as, "The Bippo Spider" ULTRAWOMAN (disgusted) Ew, what is it? BIPPO This is an oxygen producing spider. DONNER (Intrigued) Really? BIPPO Yes, it lives off of CO2 and produces O2 for us to breathe. SPIDER (farts) CAPEMAN What was that? BIPPO I didn't hear anything. Basically, to supply the watchtower with enough oxygen, we need about 12.3 million of these babies. SPIDER (farts louder) WOLFMAN Bippo, your spider is farting. BIPPO Well, yeah... That's where the oxygen comes out. To feed the spiders, we need 4 tons of maggots daily. SPIDER (loud fart) BLUE FAIRY I am SO not breathing spider farts! BIPPO You know, it's people like you that stand in the way of science. Fine, you can't have my spider then! Bippo lights a stick of dynamite and sticks it in the cage. Luna takes the stick of dynamite out and puts the wick out. LUNA (points at Bippo) You! Hand! Bippo presents his hand. Luna slaps it. ULTRAWOMAN Now, if no one has any more non stupid objections, I would like to get this briefing over with. Cosmic Weasel, why don't you tell us why you felt it was necessary to destroy an entire mall to nab one fifteen year old shoplifter? Cosmic Weasel is looking off into space, chewing on a fingernail. ULTRAWOMAN Cos? COSMIC WEASEL (snaps out of it) Huh? ULTRAWOMAN Are you all right? COSMIC WEASEL Oh, I-I'm fine. I just... Well, it's personal. ULTRAWOMAN Well, I'm sure whatever it is, we've got a cream for it in the infirmary. All right, forget the mall thing for now... What about this Drew Fangtastic guy... Will someone PLEASE explain to me what the hell this guy is all about? WOLFMAN I may be able to cover that, Ultrawoman. I invited him to come up here in a little while and I figured we can all beat the information out of him. ULTRAWOMAN Wolfman, you KNOW that won't hold up in any court in the world. A beat. WOLFMAN We're on the moon. Another beat. Ultrawoman smiles and pats him on the head. ULTRAWOMAN Good boy. Okay, next on the agenda, we... Wolfman leans over presenting his head to be patted again. Ultrawoman sighs and pats him again. SPIDER (Farts Louder) ULTRAWOMAN Next, we have a membership petition from Nightflyer. NIGHTFLYER I believe my companion, Boy-Boy, should be included in Justice Squad. A beat. BLUE FAIRY Boy-Boy is your companion? NIGHTFLYER In crime-fighting. BLUE FAIRY Oh, right. BIPPO You want Boy-Boy the Boy Hostage added to the Justice Squad roster!? You might as well ask us to add Decoy: The Human Target! NIGHTFLYER He's proven himself time and time again! CAPEMAN As what? A fist target? QUASAR Okay, I think it's fairly obvious what's going on here. You trying to get your sidekick into Justice Squad is just your way of trying to get him in the sack. A long silent pause. Nightflyer's eyes narrow into slits. NIGHTFLYER What... are you implying... exactly? QUASAR Do I need to spell this out for you? You're gay! You deny it, but it's obvious! You're batting for the other team. You're catching and not pitching. You... are... a... homosexual! Another long silent pause. Nightflyer gets to his feet and starts for the door. NIGHTFLYER I believe I've heard enough. ULTRAWOMAN Where the hell are you going!? NIGHTFLYER I'm resigning, that's what I'm doing! I'm not going to sit here and be accused of... ULTRAWOMAN Oh, Jesus Christ! So you're gay... Who cares!? Cosmic Weasel raises his hand. Luna slaps it away and shoves the stick of dynamite his hand as she is tired of holding it. ULTRAWOMAN It doesn't matter to us if you're a homosexual! Just sit down and deal with it! NIGHTFLYER I AM NOT GAY!!! SPIDER (Farts a squeaker) ULTRAWOMAN (rolls eyes) Okay, fine! You're not gay. Will you sit down please? NIGHTFLYER (points to Quasar) Not until he apologizes. ULTRAWOMAN Quasar, apologize to him. QUASAR All right, I'm sorry you're gay. ULTRAWOMAN Dammit, Quasar! QUASAR All right, I'm sorry I said you were a homosexual. I realize I was wrong and you are a straight arrow and only sleep with beautiful women. Happy? Nightflyer crosses his arms. There is a long pause. ULTRAWOMAN Fine... Bring Boy-Boy up here and we will give him an interview, at least. NIGHTFLYER Thanks, Ultrawoman! You're Ssssssssssuper! He runs out the door. Ultrawoman rubs her temples. SPIDER (Farts loudly) WOLFMAN That is the coolest Spider ever. ULTRAWOMAN (a beat) Moving on... Capeman, I understand that you have a report on... The lights on the Watchtower go out. DONNER Oh great, is the nuclear reactor out or something? Do you know how much those things cost? BLUE FAIRY The reactor is supposed to be able to supply power to this kind of facility for a hundred thousand years. Must be an interruption somewhere like a micro-meteriod piercing the hull or something. I'll go round up Nightflyer and we'll take care of it. Blue Fairy walks out the door. Ultrawoman's pager beeps. She looks at it. ULTRAWOMAN Crap in a hat... Something is attacking Houston. LUNA Then what are we waiting for? Let's get down there and stop it! She gets up. Ultrawoman stops her. ULTRAWOMAN Without power to the transport tubes or the bay doors, I'm afraid those of you who like breathing will have to stay here. Capeman, Quasar, and myself will go check out this emergency in Houston. Luna, you're in charge. COSMIC WEASEL Hey, how come Luna gets to be in charge!? ULTRAWOMAN Cos, no offense to you or the others we're leaving up here, but that's like asking why we don't eat razors for breakfast. Luna... You, Cosmic Weasel, Colossal Chunk, Wolfman, and Donner see about getting the Watchtower powered up and, when you do, join us down there if we haven't beat whatever this is. LUNA Understood. ULTRAWOMAN Let's go, Squad! EXT. THE WATCHTOWER Ultrawoman, Capeman, and Quasar fly through the vacuum of Space and towards the Earth. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Various control panels line the walls and, at the end of the room, there is a large steel door with a window in it. Out of the window, pours a bright pulsating light. BLUE FAIRY, NIGHTFLYER, and BOY-BOY enter. NIGHTFLYER It's a good thing I was able to transport Boy-Boy up to the Watchtower before the power grid failed. BOY-BOY Holy timely transports, Nightflyer! You're right! BLUE FAIRY (sarcasm) Oh yes, I'm all atwitter at his being able to join us. Nightflyer checks the readouts. NIGHTFLYER The reactor is dead cold... completely shut down and that orangey color is HORRIBLE! BOY-BOY Holy horrible hues! BLUE FAIRY So, you're saying that it's fine, but we can't bring it immediately back on line. NIGHTFLYER Not without a tremendous jolt of power... like about 1.21 jugawatts. BLUE FAIRY But there's no such thing as a... NIGHTFLYER Nevermind that... we have emergency generators. Bring those on line. BLUE FAIRY I can't... They've been trashed. I think we've got an intruder. NIGHTFLYER Either that or Jesse "Property Damage" Glaspey is at it again. BLUE FAIRY No, this is deliberate. NIGHTFLYER Sabotage? BLUE FAIRY Right, let's alert the others... OW! NIGHTFLYER Don't you mean "now?" BLUE FAIRY No, I mean "ow"! Something stung me, I... He looks down. There is a small dart in his forearm. He pulls it out. NIGHTFLYER What the hell is...? They look. Boy-Boy is putting away a dart gun. BLUE FAIRY What the hell are you doing? BOY-BOY I think you mean, what have I done... and, since you've asked, I just gave you SARS. NIGHTFLYER Boy-Boy? BOY-BOY No, you simpering imbecile! I've been posing as your sidekick for months waiting for you to allow me total access to the watchtower! Waiting and waiting as I fought evil with you and when you, for some reason, insisted that I sleep at the foot of your bed! Now I can reveal my true self and destroy you once and for all! Boy-Boy is surrounded by black smoke and lighting. When it clears, we see that he is... NIGHTFLYER BLACK SHADOW!!! You were Boy-Boy all along!? BLACK SHADOW I thought that was fairly obvious by this point. Now, prepare to die, you fools! NIGHTFLYER That's where you're wrong, Black Shadow! You're dealing with the world's sixteenth greatest detective and the world's most powerful magician! Blue Fairy, do be a favor and turn his bones into Jell-O Instant Pudding. Blue Fairy falls to the ground. Nightflyer helps him back up. We see that Blue Fairy is sweating and is as pale as a ghost. BLUE FAIRY Sick... BLACK SHADOW And his powers don't work if he is ill. Now, as I was saying... DIE!!! Black Lighting bolts zap out of Black Shadow's fingertips. Nightflyer grabs Blue Fairy and leaps out of the way as the lighting hits a panel and it EXPLODES!!! INT. THE WAR ROOM Luna, Cosmic Weasel, Bippo, Donner, and Wolfman are manning different controls trying to figure out why there's no power. Colossal Chunk is playing Monkeys in a Barrel. Suddenly, Wolfman's ears perk up. WOLFMAN You guys hear that? LUNA I didn't hear anything. WOLFMAN Sounded like an explosion. LUNA I still didn't hear anything. BIPPO Well, your ears aren't that big, sister. LUNA With no power we cannot ascertain what the explosion was. Wolfman, you will guide Cosmic Weasel and I to it. Colossal Chunk, you will remain here and watch after Donner. DONNER I appreciate your concern. LUNA I'm concerned about next month's paycheck. Luna, Wolfman, and Cosmic Weasel run out the door. Donner huffs as Colossal Chunk stands silently behind him. DONNER People of my stature are so unappreciated, Colossal Chunk. COLOSSAL CHUNK My name... is Nomad. Before Donner can turn around, Nomad/Colossal Chunk swats him into a wall, destroying a panel. Donner rolls down into the floor unconscious as Nomad/Colossal Chunk looms over him smiling evilly. MUSIC STING! FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER Coming this holiday season, it's HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF VICTORIA'S SECRET! RON WEASLY is pounding on the bathroom door. RON Harry!? You've been in the bathroom for three hours! What are you doing in there!? ANNOUNCER HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF VICTORIA'S SECRET! "COMING" to theaters this Christmas! PROFESSOR DUMBELDOR is now knocking on the door. PROFESSOR DUMBELDOR There's no magical cure for blindness, young man! -------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: EXT. HOUSTON, TEXAS CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, and QUASAR zoom over the tops of buildings headed for the downtown area. We can see smoke from several fires burning in the distance. EXT. DOWNTOWN HOUSTON Quasar, Ultrawoman, and Capeman land and look around. CAPEMAN What kind of a creature are we looking for? QUASAR I'm just guessing, but I'd say it's one that's making the mess. ULTRAWOMAN It couldn't have gotten far... I say we pan out and find it before it... WHAM! An energy blast hits Ultrawoman knocking her out of the way. The camera pans over to reveal THE MAD COW (holding a vicious looking weapon on her shoulder) and JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY! QUASAR Oh, give me a break! MAD COW Oh, we're going to give you several of them, you disgusting male! Quasar leaps into the air, his Cosmic Stick crackling with energy. He fires a blast at Timberlackey who grunts and takes a step back, but is otherwise undamaged. MAD COW Timerlackey, kill him! JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY TIMBERLACKEY KILL!!! Justin Timberlackey leaps into the air and grabs Quasar. QUASAR What the...!? F**CKING GENETIC ENGINEERING! Justin Timberlackey slams Quasar into the ground. CAPEMAN Hang on, Quasar! I'm coming! TWACK! In a sequence of events almost too fast to see, Capeman is kicked in the face and flies backwards into a skyscraper. A hand grabs him by the shirt and throws him out of the crater and into the air. Ultrawoman pulls herself up and starts off after him. ULTRAWOMAN Hang on Capeman, I'm coming! MAD COW Not so fast! Mad Cow blasts her again, sending her back to the ground. Ultrawoman tries to get up, but Mad Cow is already there, kicking her in the back of the head and knocking her out. EXT. THE SKY Capeman is flying through the air when, suddenly, a blur rushes by and kicks him back to the ground. EXT. DOWNTOWN HOUSTON Capeman lands on the ground making a crater. There is a moment of silence, then he climbs out of it. His nose is bleeding. POWER MAN (O.C.) So we meet again... Capeman looks up and there, hovering in the air above him, is POWER MAN. CAPEMAN Power Man! What are you doing here? POWER MAN Haven't you heard, Cape-Fool? I'm the newest member of INJUSTICE SQUAD! MUSIC STING CAPEMAN Wow, did you guys make up that name all by yourselves or did you have help? POWER MAN SHUT UP! INT. THE WATCHTOWER - THE HYDROPONIC GARDENS DEVOUR silently moves though the foliage. Something catches his eyes and he whirls around just in time to see... The trees in the garden have COME TO LIFE. The branches grab Devour and hoist the giant cat into the air. He hangs helplessly upside down as a shadow overtakes him. It's... THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD Hello, you big pussy... cat. DEVOUR (growls) INT. THE WATCHTOWER Inside a darkened corridor, Wolfman, Bippo, Cosmic Weasel, and Luna are walking along in the dark. Wolfman, who can basically see in the dark, is in the lead. WOLFMAN It came from this way... I'm fairly almost seventy percent sure of it. Bippo, Cosmic Weasel, and Luna look at each other and roll their eyes. Suddenly, Nightflyer, stumbles down the hall and falls down in front of them. LUNA Willard! They rush to his side. COSMIC WEASEL Nightflyer! Who did this to you, man!? NIGHTFLYER (weak) Reactor room... intruder... D-don't call me... Willard! R-Run! Luna unsheathes her sword. Cosmic Weasel catches Nightflyer before he falls to the ground. LUNA Luna does not run from anyone! Cosmic Weasel, you remain here with Willard and get him to the infirmary. Wolfman! Bippo! Let us tend to this intruder! She runs off. Wolfman and Bippo stand there looking confused. After a couple of seconds, she walks back to them. LUNA (sighs) "Tend" means "to attend to" or, in this case, "fight and defeat". BIPPO & THAD Oooooooooooh. Luna, Bippo, and Wolfman run down the corridor. COSMIC WEASEL (to Nightflyer) Hang in there, guy, everything's going to be fine. NIGHTFLYER Of course it will. Nightflyer's right hand turns into a large clump of what looks like mud and slams into Cosmic Weasel. Cosmic Weasel hits the wall and the "mud" congeals around his entire body with the exception of his head. COSMIC WEASEL What the HELL!? Nightflyer morphs into... PUTTY FACE Surprise! Remember me? The way we were... Barbara Striesand. COSMIC WEASEL Butt face! PUTTY FACE PUTTY face, you idiot! INT. THE WATCHTOWER Wolfman and Luna round a corner and come face to face with... DOOGAN KESSLER Hello, Thad. WOLFMAN DOOGAN! ROBO-BRITNEY Hello, Luna. LUNA ROBO-BRITNEY! BITCHSLAP 'Sup, dog? BIPPO OH MY GOD IT'S... uh... BITCHSLAP sighs and points to a name tag that says, "HI, MY NAME IS BITCHSLAP!" BIPPO BITCHSLAP! INT. THE WATCHTOWER Cosmic Weasel and Putty Face. PUTTY FACE You are quite the pest... John Leguizamo... but you come in handy. After all, had it not been for you, we would have never broken into the Watchtower! COSMIC WEASEL What are you talking about, you walking pile of mud!? PUTTY FACE Oh, didn't anyone tell you? Six months ago, an associate of ours named Nomad possessed you and, with his help, we were able to get all the DNA, passcodes, and everything we needed to infiltrate your precious Watchtower. At last, I will have my revenge for your spoiling my revenge! My first revenge, that is. COSMIC WEASEL Dude, you're going ballistic! PUTTY FACE Ecks vs. Sever. Lucy Lu... Antonio Bandaras! COSMIC WEASEL Let me go and you may walk away from all this with a mild limp. PUTTY FACE I have a better idea. The "mud" from Putty Man's arm engulfs Cosmic Weasel's head. PUTTY FACE How about I leave you Breathless? Kim Bassinger. Cosmic Weasel struggles to escape, but it's obvious that he's suffocating. INT. THE WATCHTOWER KER-POW! Luna falls backwards. When she tries to get up, Wolfman falls on top of her and then Bippo falls on top of them. Robo-Britney, Bitchslap, and Doogan Kessler enter frame. DOOGAN KESSLER This whole Injustice Squad business is more fun than I thought. BITCHSLAP Let's KILL these honkys! ROBO-BRITNEY That sounds good to The Britney as long as The Britney does not count as a honky! Luna pushes Wolfman and Bippo off of her. LUNA I think it's time for plan B. WOLFMAN I'd settle for plan R-U-N. LUNA Let's split up! WOLFMAN Split up! What do you think this is, an episode of Scooby Doo!? LUNA NO! Like THIS, jackass! Luna takes out a sword and throws it. It bisects Bitchslap into two pieces and he falls to the floor dead. BIPPO I like that plan. Let me try! Bippo grabs Luna's spare sword and throws it at Doogan Kessler. The hilt of the sword smacks him in the head and he staggers back a couple of steps, holding his forehead. DOOGAN KESSLER Owwwww! BIPPO Hmm... that didn't quite work out the way I wanted. Gimmie another sword. LUNA (angry, through teeth) That was my last one, you moron. You just threw my last weapon at the enemy! Doogan and Robo-Britney have picked up the two swords and are slowly advancing. BIPPO Hmmm... WOLFMAN No weapons? LUNA Pretty much. WOLFMAN More powerful enemies. LUNA By a long shot. WOLFMAN Boned? LUNA Big time. WOLFMAN Options? LUNA One. WOLFMAN Bolt? LUNA Bingo. Wolfman, Luna, and Bippo scream and run away. Luna and Bippo go down one corridor and Bippo and Luna go down the other. DOOGAN KESSLER You go after the Amazon and the clown... Thad Coffey is MINE. He runs down the corridor after Thad. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM TIANA LIM and THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD enter. THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Is it clear? Black Shadow was supposed to have killed Blue Fairy and Nightflyer. Tiana Lim takes off her sunglasses and looks around the room. There is blood and sinew and other nasty stuff splattered all over the room. She picks up the tattered remains of Nightflyer's cowl and a piece of Blue Fairy's tutu. TIANA LIM It looks like he was successful. THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD That's putting it lightly like saying Marlon Brando is a little chunky. TIANA LIM Come on, let's set up the surprise package. The Six Billion Dollar Bastard sets down a large bomb with a NUCLEAR SYMBOL On it. INT. A CORRIDOR PUTTY FACE is smothering COSMIC WEASEL with his mud arm. PUTTY FACE Odd... I would have expected you to have burst out using your weasel super-strength and agility or something, but you're really taking this like a Cry Baby... Johnny Depp. COSMIC WEASEL Mfff mff mmmfff mfff mmmmf! PUTTY FACE What? Putty Face's mud allows the Cosmic Weasel to stick his head out. COSMIC WEASEL (gasp!) I said I lost my powers. PUTTY FACE You're kidding me. COSMIC WEASEL I wish I was. First they went wonky and then there was these weird powers popped up, but now they're all gone! Weasel sense... Weasel agility... Strength... mega hornyness... all gone. G'bye! Tallyho! I'm a mere mortal now. PUTTY FACE Really? That sucks. COSMIC WEASEL Tell me about it. And now, here I am, about to be killed by the minorest of minor villain from my rouges gallery and there's nothing I can do about it. God, just kill me all ready, all right? I can't live like this anymore! I'm a fraud! I haven't had any real powers for weeks! PUTTY FACE Well, you've kind of taken the fun out of it for me. I mean, I was going to kill you for vengeance, but now that all seems so wrong because you're so weak and pathetic now. COSMIC WEASEL I'm sorry, man. I really am. PUTTY FACE You don't have just a little bit of power? I mean, I'm going to kill you regardless and all, but you mean you don't have one teesy little power to make me feel better? X-Ray vision? Talking to fish? Nothing? COSMIC WEASEL Well, there's the one... PUTTY FACE (excited) Yes? Yes, what is it? COSMIC WEASEL It's nothing... PUTTY FACE No, no... Tell me! Straight Talk! Dolly Parton! COSMIC WEASEL Well, there's the PD power. PUTTY FACE PD? SMUSH! Cosmic Weasel shoves the lit stick of Bippo's dynamite into the body of Putty Face. COSMIC WEASEL Property Damage! NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT! PUTTY FACE Oh, NO! In a panic, Putty Face releases Cosmic Weasel who starts to run down the corridor. PUTTY FACE EEGAH... Richard Keil! Life Stinks... Mel Brooks. KER-BLAM! Putty Man explodes sending fire, mud, and shrapnel all over the place. Cosmic Weasel is buried under the debris. COSMIC WEASEL OUCH! He looks to his left and sees his own foot against his nose. COSMIC WEASEL That's going to be sore in the morning. INT. A DARK HIDEOUT Ultrawoman wakes up shackled to a wall. She struggles to escape, but it's obvious that the bonds are too strong. RICH E. MOGUL (O.S.) I hope you will forgive me for using The Mad Cow to get you here, but I doubt you would have accepted an invitation. He walks out of the darkness. To each side of him is ASSAULT and BATTERY and behind him is THE MAD COW. ULTRAWOMAN (Her eyes narrow) Moregull. RICH E. MOGUL (a beat) Mogul, my dear sweet one. Mogul. You should learn it soon, because soon it will be your last name. ULTRAWOMAN What are you yammering about? RICH E. MOGUL Marriage, my dear. You to me. ULTRAWOMAN You must be joking. RICH E. MOGUL No, if I was joking I would say, "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, why the long face?'" A beat. Battery snorts a laugh, but composes herself. ULTRAWOMAN Give me one good reason why I should marry you? RICH E. MOGUL I'll give you several. On the moon right now, Tiana Lim and The Six Billion Dollar Bastard have planted a nuclear bomb which will be detonated on my order. Doogan Kessler, Putty Face, Robo-Britney, and Bitchslap are instructed to kill everyone they find there. Nomad is in Colossal Chunk's body and will snap Mister Donner's neck at a simple word from me. Justin Timberlackey has been made indestructible thanks to genetic manipulation and has orders to kill your blue space friend, and finally... Power Man is beating the life out of Capeman and will not stop unless I tell him to. Justice Squad, my dear, has fallen. ULTRAWOMAN Why? RICH E. MOGUL Well, two reasons... The minor was, of course, to show Jason Donner that his team of super-morons could be defeated by me anytime and anypace and, the major, is that I knew I could use this to make you marry me. Being rich really takes the run out of things... there's nothing I can't buy and, therefore, I desire the unobtainable. Marry me, Ultrawoman, and it will all stop. Ultrawoman appears shocked and cornered. INT. THE WATCHTOWER - THE HYDROPONIC GARDENS Devour swings upside down, tied up by vines and tree branches. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD I bet you're wondering how I can do what I do? Devour shakes his head no. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD The simple truth is, my mighty feline friend, is that I control everything made of wood. The wood knows its master and its master is me. Devour snorts and then shuts his eyes. He bears down and... BLAM! Devour sprays a stream of urine upwards, drenching everything in the garden. The Amazing Colossal Wood is appalled. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD THAT WAS DISGUSTING! JUST FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO HAVE THAT TREE SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG! Nothing happens. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD LIKE A BUG! Nothing happens. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD (ahem) Like a bug? SLIDE WIPE TO: INT. THE LAB THE PROFESSOR sits in front of a large blackboard with scientific equations written on it. There's also a game of hangman going on... the puzzle reads S--K MY D-CK. THE PROFESSOR What The Amazing Colossal Wood doesn't realize is that tigers mark their territories by spraying urine on trees. In a sense, the trees in the hydroponics bay just became Devour's... and very stinky. He looks at the puzzle and smiles. THE PROFESSOR Ah, of course! He fills it out so it reads "SEEK MY DUCK" and then turns back to the camera with a big smile. THE PROFESSOR It was so obvious. INT. THE WATCHTOWER - THE HYDROPONIC GARDENS The trees gently lower Devour to the ground. He slowly starts walking towards The Amazing Colossal Wood. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD I-I-I see the trees have a NEW master. I... I... uh-oh. Devour puts on a bib with a picture of a lobster on it, his claws pop out, and a huge toothy grin appears on his face. EXT. THE WATCHTOWER On the cold lunar surface, a scream erupts. THE AMAZING COLOSSAL WOOD ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! EXT. HOUSTON, TEXAS Quasar is struggling to stay one step ahead of Justin Timberlackey. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY TIMBERLACKEY KILL!!! QUASAR (An idea, he points) Hey, Timberlake! There goes Lance Bass in the space shuttle! He's WAY cooler than you are! He's an asshole-naut. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY WHAT!? TIMBERLACKEY KILL LANCE BASS!!! Justin Timberlackey leaps into the air, his mighty jump propelling him into orbit. INT. THE SPACE SHUTTLE LANCE BASS is sitting in his seat while real astronauts sit around him manning the controls. LANCE BASS Can I touch this? ASTRONAUT No. LANCE BASS How 'bout this? ASTRONAUT No. LANCE BASS Can I use the phasers? ASTRONAUT No. LANCE BASS Can I fly the ship? ASTRONAUT No. LANCE BASS Can we go visit ET? ASTRONAUT NO! EXT. THE SPACE SHUTTLE Justin Timberlackey flies towards the shuttle. He pries open an airlock and gets inside. INT. THE SPACE SHUTTLE Justin Timberlackey enters the cockpit. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY I AM HERE TO KILL LANCE BASS!!! ASTRONAUT Sorry, guy, but we beat you to it. We threw him out the airlock five minutes ago. They look out the window. Lance Bass floats by. He's been frozen solid, but appears more lifelike than he did in "On The Line." JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY Oh... sorry to waste your time. Justin Timberlackey goes out the airlock. EXT. THE SPACE SHUTTLE Justin Timberlackey is hanging out the airlock. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY And now to get back to killing Quasar. QUASAR (O.S.) Yo, Timberlake! Justin Timberlacky looks. Quasar is floating a few feet away. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY YOU! Justin Timberlackey leaps at him. Quasar starts flying backwards keeping out of his reach, but it's obvious he can't fly fast enough. QUASAR You ever study physics? How about the motion of bodies in a vacuum? Did you know that in a vacuum, objects in motion tend to stay in motion since there's no force acting against them? Seem surprised? Well, I spent most of my life in space so I got to know a few things and I knew that if I got you up here, I could use them to my advantage. He points his cosmic stick at Timberlackey. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKEY Your cosmic stick can't harm me! QUASAR I'm not going to harm you, just send you on a little trip to see the universe. He charges up his stick. QUASAR But before I do, I just wanted to make one thing perfectly clear to you... You're on MY turf, bitch! BLAM! Quasar blasts him with his cosmic stick sending Justin Timberlackey into outer space. QUASAR Say hello to the abyss for me. (a beat) Dammit, I just killed the one guy who saw how freakin' cool I was! (deep voice) Say hello to the abyss for me. (normal) That could have gone on a T-Shirt! Quasar flies back down to Earth. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Tiana Lim and The Six Billion Dollar Bastard are setting up the nuclear bomb. TIANA LIM You know, Bastard... THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Call me Six. TIANA LIM All right... You know what just occurred to me, Six... THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD What's that, Tiana? TIANA LIM Pease, call me Tiana. Nightflyer was black, right? THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Uh... yeah? TIANA LIM So, in all this bloody mess and sinew we assume is Nightflyer and the Blue Fairy, why am I not seeing any mangled black flesh? The Six Billion Dollar Bastard stops and looks. THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Maybe Black Shadow is out hunting him now. We got rid of Blue Fairy and he was the most important target. TIANA LIM And here's my second concern... What is the only magic that the Blue Fairy can wield when he's ill? THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR BASTARD Well, from what I've been told, they only useful thing he can do is... TIANA LIM Blow stuff up! CLANG! A giant pipe swings down from the ceiling and hits Tiana and The Six Billion Dollar Bastard, sending the flying out of the room and into the corridor. They fly through the corridor wall and into an open cell in the brig. Nightflyer swoops in (his cowl is off) and slams the door, locking the criminals inside. NIGHTFLYER How are you feeling, BF? INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Blue Fairy is lying up in the pipes and conduits that line the ceiling of the room. He was obviously the one who sprang the booby trap. BLUE FAIRY Your booby trap worked perfectly. INT. THE BRIG Nightflyer is looking at the unconscious forms of Tiana Lim and the Six Billion Dollar Bastard. NIGHTFLYER No kidding. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Nightflyer sprints in. NIGHTFLYER Stay up there, man, I'm going to try and get the transporters working again and get you to a hospital. If any more members of the Injustice Squad come in here, do what you did to Black Shadow. BLUE FAIRY (coughs) Blow them up... Got it. NIGHTFLYER In the meantime, eat this chicken soup and drink a Sprite. That should fix you right up. Nightflyer sprints out. INT. A CORRIDOR Nightflyer runs down the corridor. He throws on a spare cowl. NIGHTFLYER How the hell am I going to generate 1.21 jugawatts to kick start the reactor? In space? At this hour? Wolfman sprints by in the opposite direction. WOLFMAN Glad to see you're not dead, Willard! NIGHTFLYER DON'T CALL ME... OOF! Doogan Kessler pushes him to the side as he runs after Wolfman. DOOGAN KESSLER OUT OF MY WAY, WILLARD! INT. THE INFIRMARY Wolfman enters and leaps over a table for cover. Doogan Kessler enters and looks around. He is wolfed out, but his eyes glow a vampire red. DOOGAN KESSLER Stop running from me, you pussy, and FIGHT me! You are such a pantywaist! DREW FANGTASTIC (O.C.) I know. It's bloody pathetic, isn't it mate? Doogan turns around and sees DREW FANTASTIC standing there. DREW FANGTASTIC I don't think I got a chance to thank you for the time you and I had when last we met, so... thank you. Drew punches him as hard as he can. Doogan takes the punch and then turns back to him. DREW FANGTASTIC Oh, bollucks. INT. THE INFIRMARY Wolfman is hiding behind a table when Drew flies over head, hits a wall, and then slides down to the floor. DREW FANGTASTIC You werewolves are a real pain in my arse, you know that? WOLFMAN Actually, I think it's that case of scalpels you hit on your way in. Drew pulls a scalpel out of his backside. DREW FANGTASTIC What's the story with Kessler? He's more powerful than any werewolf I've ever seen. WOLFMAN He's a werewolf and a vampire now. DREW FANGTASTIC How the hell did he manage that? WOLFMAN Good question, but I have a better one... how the HELL did you get up here? DREW FANGTASTIC I turned into a bat and flew here. WOLFMAN A bat? DREW FANGTASTIC Yeah? WOLFMAN You flew? DREW FANGTASTIC Uh-huh. WOLFMAN To the moon? DREW FANGTASTIC Yep. WOLFMAN Through space? DREW FANGTASTIC I put myself in a ziploc bag, all right? You want to focus on something a little more important like how we're going to beat up that suckface dogbag? DOOGAN KESSLER Try praying. Doogan grabs them both and slams them into a wall. DOOGAN KESSLER Ah, to kill two of my most hated enemies at the same time. Life is truly sweet. Wolfman is silently and frantically praying. DOOGAN KESSLER What are you doing? WOLFMAN Praying. DOOGAN KESSLER Stop it. WOLFMAN (whispers) Amen. DOOGAN KESSLER I SAID STOP IT! He slams them both into the wall again, upsetting a shelf over them. The contents of the shelf fall on them all and, in the fracas, Wolfman catches a box of filled syringes. He looks down at them and then turns his gaze upwards. WOLFMAN (silently) Thank you! (to Drew) Drew, it's time for operation soccer kick. DREW FANGTASTIC Operation what? WOLFMAN Plan K... as in kick. DREW FANGTASTIC What plan? WOLFMAN Ick-kay im-hay in the alls-bay! DREW FANGTASTIC Say what? DOOGAN KESSLER Good god, you two are pathetic. He obviously wants you to kick me in the balls. DREW FANGTASTIC Don't be ridiculous, mate! Everybody knows werewolves don't have any! DOOGAN KESSLER Why you little! THWACK! Wolfman kicks Doogan in the balls. He drops the two of them and they scurry to the other side of the room. DREW FANGTASTIC Huh, I stand corrected. What have you got there? WOLFMAN Did you know there's a cure for werewolfism? DREW FANGTASTIC Silver bullet? WOLFMAN One that doesn't require killing. DREW FANGTASTIC Bollucks. There's no such thing. WOLFMAN Non-Bollucks. It's cured Donner from being a werewolf and you're looking at it. Wolfman takes the filled syringes and tosses them at the doubled over Doogan Kessler. They all nail him in the butt. DOOGAN KESSLER OUCH! What the... my werewolf power is fading? What have you done to me! Doogan turns into just a vampire. DOOGAN KESSLER It doesn't matter... I am so still going to kick your asses... Hey, why is he hiding like that? The camera pans back over to Thad and Drew. Drew is covered up with a coat and Thad is holding a lamp. WOLFMAN Ever wonder why, even though I live on the moon, I still look toned and tanned? Say hello to the Sunco 3000. Wolfman opens a tanning bed, flooding the room with UV light. Doogan shrieks and his skin begins to burn. He turns into a bat and flies out of the room. Doogan closes the tanning bed. WOLFMAN Come on, he's getting away! DREW FANGTASTIC Of course! WOLFMAN What? DREW FANGTASTIC He had balls because he was part vampire! It's so obvious! WOLFMAN (Laughs) Yeah... HEY! INT. A DARK HIDEOUT Ultrawoman is still in shackles. Rich E. Mogul lords over her with The Mad Cow, Assault, and Battery in the background. RICH E. MOGUL Well, have you reached a decision yet, my dear? Your friends lives for your hand in marriage? ULTRAWOMAN I've got to have it to you, Rich... From what you've told me, you really played us. Boy-Boy, Nomad inside Comic Weasel and then Colossal Chunk... You've had people on the inside of Justice Squad for almost a year. RICH E. MOGUL Your time is running out, Ultrawoman... yes or no? ULTRAWOMAN But, Rich, have you ever considered that, perhaps, you're not the only one who had people on the inside? That you're not the only one playing the other side like a harp? RICH E. MOGUL What are you talking about? ULTRAWOMAN We've had operatives in your company for a while too, you see... Of course, I've got to admit, this assault you've mounted today caught us by surprise. RICH E. MOGUL Operatives in MY company? You're lying. Assault and Battery look at each other then they look suspiciously at The Mad Cow. ULTRAWOMAN Looks like Fook Mi and Fook Yu are figuring it out. Come on, Mogul... think about it. What are the odds that a villain that grew up... GREW UP with a member of Justice Squad would end up in your organization? Rich E. Mogul looks at The Mad Cow. ULTRAWOMAN That's right... You're stuck in a room with one of the most powerful women on the planet and she's on our side. Rich E. Mogul pulls out a gun and fixes it on The Mad Cow. RICH E. MOGUL TRAITOR! MAD COW Hey, Mogul, I don't have the slightest idea what she's talking abou-- TWACK! A baseball bat hits her upside the head. She falls to the ground and is kicked in the head by ASSAULT. BATTERY leaps into the air and kicks Mogul's gun out of his hand. It clatters harmlessly against the floor well out of his reach. Mogul looks up in confusion. RICH E. MOGUL Assault? Battery? ASSAULT Me make you holler. BATTERY And it no cost you five dollar. They take off latex masks and rip off their clothing revealing that they are really... LINGERIE LASS Tah-dah! BIKINI GIRL Tah-dah too! RICH E. MOGUL WHAT!? ULTRAWOMAN Never underestimate the strength of an evil mastermind's paranoia. RICH E. MOGUL Assault and Battery were Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass the WHOLE TIME!? But I ordered them from Asian Assassins and Bookoo Bodyguards Company! ULTRAWOMAN Which, if you had read the fine print, is a wholly owned subsidiary of DonCo. RICH E. MOGUL CURSE ME AND MY IMPULSE SHOPPING! You may have lost this little battle, but your friends are DEAD, Ultrawoman! DEAD! Someday you WILL BE MINE!!! Rich presses a button on his watch. A trapdoor opens underneath him and he falls out of sight. The door slams shut behind him. ULTRAWOMAN Let him go, girls... We've got some friends to save! INT. THE WATCHTOWER - A DARK CORRIDOR Robo-Britney is slowly heading down the hallway, stalking Luna. ROBO-BRITNEY (Singing) Come out, come out, wherever you are! Robo-Britney hears a patter of footsteps off in the distance and sees a shadow that pauses and hurries off. ROBO-BRITNEY I seeee yoouuuu! (Hurries after her) I don't know why you're delaying this, cave girl! The Britney is going to catch you and the clown, and when The Britney does, she's going to kill the lot of you! There's another clatter from off to the sides. Britney whirls around and sees nothing. She frowns. ROBO-BRITNEY Oh, The Britney knows what this is! This is like the Amazon warrior using her surroundings to her advantage? Like this is some sort of jungle and you're stalking your prey? Sorry, missy! That's not how it works here! The Britney has infra-red vision helping The Britney see clear as day and audio perceptors that are helping The Britney hear even the slightest panting of your breath! You're tired! And The Britney is getting closer to catching you and crushing the life from your scrawny body! You're cannon fodder compared to me! I'm comprised of the highest tech machinery on the planet! The Britney is powerful! The Britney is brilliant! Robo-Britney walks up to a closet. She looks at it for a second, then smiles. ROBO-BRITNEY And The Britney has found you!!! Robo-Britney rips open the door to reveal Luna, Bippo and Devour standing there ready, wielding a fire hose. Robo Britney looks down at the hose and then up again at Luna. Robo-Britney looks fairly surprised. LUNA Yeah, well... is The Britney water proof? Luna turns on the hose, blasting Robo-Britney across the room with the powerful stream of water, soaking Robo-Britney to the core. As Luna, Devour and Bippo struggle to hold the hose, Robo-Britney starts spazzing out. ROBO-BRITNEY Servos... rusting out! Motors... freezing up! The Britney... powerless! Must... go out with... dramatic pose... for final... Maxim cover! The Robo-Britney sticks out her chest, freezes in her tracks, teeters for a bit and falls back, clanging to the floor. Luna, Devour and Bippo look at each other. LUNA (innocently, puts hand over mouth) Oops, I did it again! Devour grins at Luna. Luna and Devour high-five. They then high-five Bippo. BIPPO Great plan, Luna! I don't know why everyone keeps saying your talents are worthless! LUNA Thanks, Bippo! (A pause) HEY! Who says my talents are worthless? INT. THE WAR ROOM Colossal Chunk/Nomad is holding Donner in the air by the neck with one hand. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK Dude, did that spider just fart? DONNER Long story. (a beat) Hey, Nomad... Whatever Mogul is paying you, I'll double it... Triple it! NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK He's giving me ten thousand homeless people his private army captured in Cordo Maltese. DONNER Ah... Well, I have a butler! A communicator beeps. Nomad/Colossal Chunk picks it up. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK Yeah? RICH E. MOGUL (over communicator) The mission is failing. I've lost contact with several members of the team. DONNER HA! IN YOUR FACE MOGUL! RICH E. MOGUL (over communicator) Is that Jason Donner? NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK Yeah. RICH E. MOGUL (over communicator) Do me a favor and say good-bye to him for me. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK (pops knuckles) With pleasure. Nomad/Colossal Chunk throws Donner into the air and swats him like a bug sending him flying into a console. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK All right, I've had enough of the pleasure of your company, Mister Donner, and since the twelve hours I have to occupy this body is almost up, I'm afraid I'll have to make this quick. Donner slowly pulls himself out of the rubble. He wobbles a bit looking a little woozy. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK Ah, he can walk? I think I can remedy that. Donner staggers out of the debris holding an arm. He looks pissed. NOMAD/COLOSSAL CHUNK Ah, is the little man going to hurt me? Come on, then... Hurt me. I'll give you a free punch. In this body, you're not going to hurt me in the least. Go on... Hurt me, Donner. Hurt me. Donner throws a punch. EXT. THE WATCHTOWER Through one of the windows, we see a bright flash of energy. INT. THE WAR ROOM Nomad/Colossal Chunk flies across the room hit by a tremendous force. He hits the wall which collapses on top of him. Donner steps back a little and looks at his fist. He smirks. DONNER (Dazed) Huh... cool. He passes out. Colossal Chunk rises out of the rubble. COLOSSAL CHUNK (crying) Owie! Owie! Owie! Somebody hurt Chunk! Owie! Chunk got boo-boo! SPIDER (high pitched voice) Curses! I will be back! Mark my words, I will be back! (farts) Jesus Christ, was that me? INT. A CORRIDOR Luna, Bippo, and Devour are standing over Robo-Britney. Wolfman, Drew, and Nightflyer show up. WOLFMAN Hey guys, what's up? LUNA Beat Robo-Britney. NIGHTFLYER (raises hand) The Six Billions Dollar Bastard and Tiana Lim. WOLFMAN (raises hand) Doogan Kessler. DEVOUR (raises paw) Roaw raar raar! BIPPO The Amazing Colossal Wood! No kidding! There is a beep. Everyone looks at the frozen form of Robo Britney. Robo-Britney's robo-boobs open to reveal a nuclear symbol and a countdown clock. A high-pitched whine begins. COMPUTERIZED ROBO-BRITNEY VOICE THE BRITNEY'S NUCLEAR POWER SOURCE WILL EXPLODE IN NINETY SECONDS. HAVE A NICE DAY. EVERYONE AW, SH*T!!! MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK A little boy is sitting in his first grade class looking at a rat in a cage. He takes out a photo-cell phone, takes a picture of the rat, and then starts recording a message. LITTLE BOY Mom, I the rat looked at me and then it went to sleep and... and then it looked at me. The mother is watching the message on her phone as the Sprint Guy is standing next to her. MOM I can't believe I'm getting this choked up over a rat. SPRINT GUY (a beat) WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER GIVES A F**KING FIRST GRADER A F**KING CELL PHONE!? ANNOUNCER SPRINT! The clear alternative to good parenting! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. A CORRIDOR Drew, Wolfman, Luna, Bippo, Nightflyer, and Devour are standing around Robo-Britney. The countdown clock is on 67 seconds and ticking away. WOLFMAN What do we do!? What do we do!? BIPPO We can't run, that's for sure! Not before Robo-Britney explodes in a nuclear blast that will incinerate everyone here in 1.21 jugawatts of nuclear fury. NIGHTFLYER A nuclear detonation of about 1.21 jugawatts? SHE HAS 1.21 JUGAWATTS OF POWER IN HER BOOBS!? DREW FANGTASTIC What the hell is a jugawatt!? NIGHTFLYER GET HER TO THE REACTOR ROOM! INT. A CORRIDOR Nightflyer, Wolfman, Bippo, Drew, and Luna are carrying the frozen Robo-Britney down the hall. When they come across Cosmic Weasel buried in the debris. LUNA JESSE BABY! Luna drops her part of Robo-Britney causing Robo-Britney's head to hit the floor. Everyone screams. LUNA (to everyone else) You go ahead! I'll tend to him! The others haul Robo-Britney down the hall. BIPPO(O.C.) So she's going to kick his ass? WOLFMAN (O.C.) That's what "tend to" means, isn't it? Luna kneels down beside The Cosmic Weasel. LUNA Jesse, it's Luna... Are you all right? COSMIC WEASEL (smirks) It only hurts when I... Ow. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM The gang carries Robo-Britney inside. Blue Fairy is sitting in a corner looking like hammered shit and drinking a Sprite. NIGHTFLYER How much time!? DREW FANGTASTIC (Looks at timer) Nineteen seconds. If you've got a miracle in your pocket, now's the time to pull it out! NIGHTFLYER Damn! I've never had to defuse a nuclear bomb before! The timer counts down. 15... 14... 13... WOLFMAN We can make a run for the transporters. BLUE FAIRY (Coughs) No power. Can't... 10... 9... 8... NIGHTFLYER I can't believe we came this far only to be stopped by a little thing like a lack of knowledge. All right, this is my last chance so I'll say it... I AM A HOMO!!! Bippo reaches over and hits a switch. The timer stops at one second. After a second, everyone looks at Bippo. BIPPO What? All you had to do was turn it off. DREW FANGTASTIC AND YOU WAITED UNTIL THE LAST SECOND TO DO THAT FOR WHAT!? BIPPO Dramatic effect. WOLFMAN I think I just dramatic effected in my pants. BIPPO Plus I wanted to hear Willard admit he was gay. NIGHTFLYER (A pause) Homowner. BIPPO What? NIGHTFLYER I said I was a homowner. (a beat) I own my own home. (a beat) Shut up and plug her into the reactor. Bippo smirks and plugs Robo-Britney into the reactor. Nightflyer hits a button on Robo-Britney. NIGHTFLYER Let... There... Be... Light. The lights come on. INT. A CORRIDOR Luna is with the severely injured Cosmic Weasel when the lights come on. EXT. THE WATCHTOWER The tower comes back to life as lights illuminate every level. INT. THE REACTOR CONTROL ROOM Everyone sighs in relief. Colossal Chunk enters cradling Donner like a baby. COLOSSAL CHUNK Money man not feel well. WOLFMAN Donner, are you all right? DONNER (Dazed) Why yes, Veronica, I would love some lime Jell-o. NIGHTFLYER What did he say? DONNER (Dazed) I so love that delightful David Arquette. DREW FANGTASTIC Good God, he's delirious! A communicator suddenly crackles to life. ULTRAWOMAN (over communicator) ...ome in... repea... Justice Squad come in! Nightflyer picks up the communicator. NIGHTFLYER Ah, Ultrawoman... I see that the com net is back up and running. Listen, we've been though hell up here and... ULTRAWOMAN Emergency transport to Houston now, Willard! Everyone you can spare! Repeat EMERGENCY!!! EXT. HOUSTON, TEXAS The city is almost completely leveled as CAPEMAN and POWER MAN continue to fight. Everytime they hit each other, it creates a sonic boom that shakes the ground and shatters windows. They are in the base of a gigantic crater created from the force of their blows. Quasar flies over and delivers a burst of energy with his Cosmic Stick. The energy hits Power Man and makes him stagger back. Ultrawoman flies in the other direction and hits him with one of her energy bolts. Power Man claps his hands together with such force, that they create a massive sound wave that throws both Ultrawoman and Quasar out of the air and to the ground. Capeman and Power Man are both sporting cuts, black eyes, bruises, and bleeding. Their uniforms are torn and capes are tattered. POWER MAN (Out of breath) Your friends are quite annoying, Capeman. CAPEMAN (Shrugs, breathing hard) They have an annoying habit of trying to save people. POWER MAN Once I'm done with you, I'll break all of them one by one. CAPEMAN Over my dead body you will. POWER MAN THAT'S THE IDEA!!! Power Man delivers a kick to Capeman's stomach sending him flying out of the crater. EXT. HOUSTON, TEXAS An relatively undamaged part of town, but completely devoid of civilians. Capeman hits the ground and skids several blocks before he stops creating a trench down the street. CAPEMAN Ow, f**k. Power Man descends on him. POWER MAN It's time to finish this, Capeman... The way your movie should have played out. CAPEMAN (Weakly) Test audiences would have hated that. POWER MAN Any last words? CAPEMAN (Sees something off screen) Just a few. (Shouts) CHUNK SMASH BAD MAN! POWER MAN What? WHAM! COLOSSAL CHUNK rams his fist into Power Man's face sending him flying off screen. CAPEMAN Good job, Chunk... Now let's get out of here before... THWACK! Power Man is back. He kicks Colossal Chunk in the head and sends him into an electronics store. Colossal Chunk stumbles and accidentally turns on a camcorder hooked up to a big screen TV. The camcorder begins to film the fight. Meanwhile, Wolfman, Nightflyer, and Luna jump on Power Man, but he throws them off effortlessly. POWER MAN FOOLS! POWER MAN WILL NOT YIELD TO THE PATHETIC LIKES OF YOU! Capeman leaps up and starts attacking Power Man again but it's painfully clear that his strength is waning. CAPEMAN This isn't over! POWER MAN I beg to differ. Good-bye, Capeman. Capeman goes to hit him, but Power Man is too fast. He strikes Capeman across the head with a blow so powerful that it sends out a seismic shockwave. EXT. LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA People are walking down the street when, suddenly, there is an earthquake. EXT. TOKYO, JAPAN Same scene, there is a small earthquake. EXT. CAIRO, EGYPT Another earthquake shakes the pyramids. EXT. HOUSTON, TEXAS Capeman falls to the ground. Power Man lords over him gloating. Ultrawoman (looking pretty beat up), Quasar, Nightflyer, Wolfman, Nightflyer, and Luna surround him. POWER MAN POWER MAN is victorious! All of you together can not defeat me! Colossal Chunk pulls himself out of the electronics store. COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH BAD MAN! He takes a step forward and steps on a remote rewinding the camcorder tape. The Power Man on TV rewinds. POWER MAN (on TV) !em taefed ton nac rohtegot uoy fo llA !susirotciv si NAM REWOP! POWER MAN (Shocked) What? No, THAT DOESN'T COUNT! THAT DOESN'T COU-- POOF! He disappears. Ultrawoman runs over to Capeman's side, gently cradling him as distant thunder sounds in the background. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman? Capeman can you hear me? Capeman opens his eyes. CAPEMAN (Weakly) Power Man, is he...? ULTRAWOMAN He's gone. He's gone, don't worry about him. You saved a lot of people fighting him like you did. CAPEMAN (weakly) Acquire the rights for Pay-Per-View for me, will you? Ultrawoman starts to cry, but the comment makes her laugh. ULTRAWOMAN Count on it. It's okay, Capeman... Don't worry, just hang on, all right? We're going to get you to a doctor and everything will be fine. CAPEMAN (Weakly) Will you stop worrying about me? I'm fine... Really. It... It doesn't even hurt anymore. He smiles. Capeman's body goes limp. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman? The camera begins to move slowly backwards. Behind Ultrawoman and Capeman, the other members of Justice Squad stand watching something they never thought they would ever see. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman, wake up. The camera continues to move backwards as rain begins to fall. ULTRAWOMAN (whispers) Capeman? FADE TO: INT. THE WAR ROOM SUBTITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER Ultrawoman is sitting alone in the room. She is looking at Capeman's empty chair at the conference table. Nightflyer enters, followed by Wolfman, Bippo, Luna who is pushing Cosmic Weasel in a wheelchair (he has a leg in a cast and has a neckbrace on), Devour, Colossal Chunk, Blue Fairy, Donner who is sporting a cast on one arm, and Quasar. Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass also enter. ULTRAWOMAN All right... Everyone is on time. Let's start this debriefing meeting. (a beat) Simply put, Rich E. Mogul has to pay. We've got a lot of Injustice Squad in jail, but none of them are talking. Bikini Girl, Lingerie Lass... What about the recordings you took while you were undercover as Assault and Battery? Did you find anything incriminating? BIKINI GIRL Oh... mah... gowd. You would not believe all the things we recorded on this thing. Just listen. Bikini Girl takes out a microcassette recorder and presses the play button. RICH E. MOGUL (on cassette) Hello, Justice Squad, this is Rich E. Mogul. WOLFMAN What the...!? RICH E. MOGUL (on cassette) Remember a couple of months ago when you pulled off that heist at my place? Well, one wrong turn deserves another as they say and, while you had those construction crews on your base rebuilding and repairing, I'm afraid I sent some people of my own to heist you right back. My congratulations on putting Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass undercover in my company. I never saw it coming, but I guess I should have been suspicions that they hardly ever said anything that wasn't a paraphrase of something in Full Metal Jacket. So, once again I'm untouchable and loved by the public and, best of all, I hurt you all. I... hurt... you... all... The microcassestte recorder erupts in smoke as the tape is destroyed. Ultrawoman's face is unreadable. ULTRAWOMAN Well, that was typical. Bikini Girl, Lingerie Lass... Thank you for your help. LINGERIE LASS Yah... And uh... We're like sorry about Capeman and stuff. He was a good guy. ULTRAWOMAN Yes he was. Bikini Girl and Lingerie Lass exit. ULTRAWOMAN Wolfman, I'd like you pass on our thanks to Drew Fangtastic as well. WOLFMAN Sure. ULTRAWOMAN The funeral was nice... Thank you all for coming and not making a scene. That was... extraordinary in of itself. Is there any new business? COSMIC WEASEL (Raises hand) Actually, I have an announcement. ULTRAWOMAN All right. COSMIC WEASEL (clears throat) I... uh... I am tendering my resignation to Justice Squad. Surprised murmurs rise in the room. ULTRAWOMAN Cos, just because you got beat up, that's no reason... COSMIC WEASEL I didn't just get beat up, Ultrawoman... My powers have completely failed. I just have to get away for a while and... I don't know... Figure things out. If I stay here, I'm going to get killed or, worst yet, get someone else killed. (He stops himself) I have to figure out who I am. When I do, it may not be The Cosmic Weasel... I don't know. JESSE GLASPEY removes his Cosmic Weasel cowl and sets it in his lap. JESSE GLASPEY I love you guys. He turns around and starts to wheel himself out the door. LUNA I also resign. Jesse stops in his tracks and turns around. JESSE GLASPEY Luna, babe... there's no reason for you to quit. I should be the one to go. I'm completely powerless. LUNA Jesse, when I met you, you didn't have any powers then and you still did the best you could to save my country. Powers or not, you're still the man I love and my place is with you. (to the others) If ever you need me, you may call upon me. Farewell. She whistles for Devour. The giant cat follows her to the door, turns and looks mournfully at his teammates, and then exits with his owner. COLOSSAL CHUNK (Sadly) Does Chunk quit too? BLUE FAIRY No, Chunk... It's all right. ULTRAWOMAN (emotionless) Meeting dismissed. She walks out of the room. Everyone else slowly filters out leaving Donner sitting at the table by himself. He gets up to leave, becomes overcome by rage, and puts his fist through the conference room table spitting it in half and completely destroying it. Donner looks at his fist. Energy crackles around it. DONNER Holy SH*T! He quickly runs out the door. DONNER (Yelling) CHUNK DID IT! INT. THE INFIRMARY Ultrawoman enter. Blue Fairy lies on the bed as THE PROFESSOR watches over him. ULTRAWOMAN How is he, Professor? THE PROFESSOR He should be back on his feet in a couple of weeks, Ultrawoman. I've run tests on everyone and they all check out fine... a little bruised, but fine. ULTRAWOMAN Good, keep me posted. THE PROFESSOR Oh, and before I forget... congratulations. ULTRAWOMAN For what? THE PROFESSOR For what? Didn't you know? Ultrawoman shrugs and shakes her head. The professor hands over her medical file. ULTRAWOMAN What does this mean? THE PROFESSOR Well... you're pregnant! MUSIC STING CUT TO BLACK:
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