And So We Meet The Evil Tape Recorder of DOOM!

posted by Jagurandi and authored by the Evil Tape recorder of DOOM!

The Evil Tape recorder of DOOM!: Yes, the exclamation point is required when you write my name. Anyways, onto the point...I am very pleased. One day, and I have three reviews from people the authoress does not know. I shall try to convince the other tape recorders to spare you three the displeasure of having your bowels replaced with burning film! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Chapter One

On the Way to the First Meeting

As you should know from the last time, I am The Evil Tape Recorder of DOOM! and thus am not to be taken lightly! I have decided to record the first national gathering of all the tape recorders here for all posterity, showing also the idiocy of humans like yourselves. Consider yourselves lucky! You who read this file shall know how to prepare yourselves for the oncoming siege, and those of you who are too spineless to open this file shall be given no mercy. I would laugh maniacally, but I'm afraid that's getting old. Here is my trip to our headquarters, in it's original recorded form.

THE AIRPORT!

Annoying stewardess: The plane has landed in Beijing. Will all passengers please leave using the set of doors to your right, thank you!

TETROD! (I'm shortening my name, because when you have such tiny arms, it's hard to type that so many times) : And she will be the first to go. Peanuts. Peanuts, does it look like I want peanuts, you idiot? I don't even have a mouth! Jeez.

Tacky Traveler Woman: Look Henry, the great wall of China! Come here, Henry Jr, get away from those refugees! Margo, get back here! Unhand that bellhop!

TETROD!: Those who cannot control their children must be punished...

Tacky Traveler Woman's Daughter, Margo: ~going towards TETROD!~ OH, lookie Mommy! Shiny!

TETROD!: Maybe sooner than later, PUT ME DOWN YOU INSUBORDINATE FOOL! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD, DAMMIT!

Margo: Mommy, it talks! What did it say?

Tacky Traveler (Mommy): ~worrying~ Never mind, darling, just forget what it said. And drop that, you don't know where it's been!

Margo: Okie Dokey! ~drops TETROD very harshly to the ground~

TETROD!: OWCH! DAMMIT DAMMIT THAT HURT! I THINK YOU BROKE SOMETHING!

Margo: ~cheerfully~ Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

Tacky Traveler (Daddy, I guess): Margo! Where did she learn that word, honey?

Tacky Traveler (Mommy): From that horrid piece of talking plastic!

TETROD!: You wanna see horrid? Go find a reflective surface, woman!

Tacky Traveler's son, Henry Jr.: Horrid woman! Mommy's a horrid woman!

Tacky Traveler: WHAT? Henry Jr., stop that right now! Henry, go stomp on that horrid little piece of plastic!

TETROD!: Jeez lady, you need a bigger vocabulary. AH! GET AWAY FROM WE, YOU FREAKY PERSON WHO WEARS BLUE HAWAIIAN PRINT WHEN YOU COME TO CHINA! I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO STEP ON ME! AHH!

Chinese Bellhop: Excuse me sir, but you daughter, she is hijacking a Kawaski and driving through terminal with it.

Tacky Traveler (Daddy): Oh my! MARGO! GET OVER HERE!

Margo: ~riding gleefully atop the motorcycle, not being at all mindful of the other people in the terminal~ DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!

Tacky Traveler (Mommy): Margo! Watch your language!

TETROD!: Phew. That was closer than I would liked to have been to an untimely crushing. ~hops away to the exit~

Annoying Ticket Person: Excuse me, Mister Inanimate Object, do you have a passport?

TETROD!: Perhaps you do not know who I am. I am THE EVIL TAPE RECORDER OF DOOM! I HAVE NO NEED FOR PASSPORTS!

Annoying Ticket Person: I'm sorry, Mister Inanimate Object, but you still need a passport.

TETROD!: Oh for the love of God. MY NAME IS NOT MR. INANIMATE OBJECT!

Annoying Ticket Person: That's great Mister Inanimate Object. Can I see your passport please?

TETROD!: ARRRRRRRGH! ~thinks for a second~ Perhaps I can tag on with someone as a carry-on item. ~eyes the crowd for a potential subject, eventually landing on an old lady dressed in black~ Ah, bless the old, who are slow and have bad eyesight. ~jumps on the suitcase she's hauling behind her~

Annoying Ticket Person: Excuse me Miss Old Person, do you have your passport?

Ms. Old Person: And for the grace of God, I am young in his kingdom in Heaven!

Annoying Ticket Person: I'm sorry, Miss Old Person, but you still need a passport.

Ms. Old Person: And for the grace of God, no pass is needed to enter his kingdom in Heaven! Nay, the only pass needed is the love in my heart and the rosary that binds me here from the kingdom of Heaven!

Annoying Ticket Person: That's great, Miss Old Person. Can I see your passport, please?

Ms. Old Person: The need for paper in Heaven is not, for God provides us with all and loves us all very dearly and we are all his children and you should read the Bible every day to demonstrate your love for God and pray and light candles and cover your home in lavender beeswax and Indian honey and--

TETROD!: Oh yes. Oh of course. I get the only religious nut between here and Hong Kong.

Annoying Ticket Person: That's very nice Miss Old Person, but can I see your passport now?

Ms. Old Person/Religious Nut: And Jesus gave his life for us by dieing on the cross and we should love life and our neighbors for that is truly the greatest commandment of all, and here in Jerusalem--

Annoying Ticket Person: Uh, Miss Old Person? This is China.

Ms. Old Person/Religious Nut: WHAT? I'M NOT IN THE BIRTHPLACE OF OUR HOLY SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST?

Annoying Ticket Person: No, Miss Old Person, but can I please see--

Ms. Old Person/Religious Nut: WHY YOU **** *****! MAY THE FURY OF SATAN'S DEMONS BE RELEASED UPON YOU!

Annoying Ticket Person: Yes Miss Old Person, but can I see--

Ms. Old Person/Religious Nut/Homicidal Maniac: I SHALL OPEN MY CAN OF OLD-LADY WHOOP ASS ON YOU! ~pulls out a very large purse~ DIE!!!!

~begins repeatedly whapping the Annoying Ticket Person on the head very, very fast~

TETROD!: o_O Humans are a very strange race...~takes advantage of the people being busy and sneaks out of the airline terminal~ OK, large Oak Tree, large Oak tree...THERE IT IS! ~scurries over to an Oak tree the size of several Old Ladies/Religious Nuts/Homicidal Maniacs~

TETROD!: Odd place to have a secret hide-out, but I trust Bill Gate's tape recorder...~begins his ascent into a hole in the side of the tree~

Chipmunk who was hiding in the tree: Chi-koo, Chi-koo!

TETROD!: Oh, aren't you the cute little tree-climbing rodent?

Chipmunk: CHI-KOO MY BREATHREN! ~about 50 little tree-climbing rodents shoot out of the tree and throw walnuts and almonds at TETROD!~

TETROD!: OW OW OW YOU DAMN LITTLE MICE WITH FURRY TAILS! THAT HURTS! ~scurries even faster through an onslaught of nuts~ DAMN THE RABBITS WITH BIG TAILS AND SMALL EARS! Finally reached that hole! Phew, that's a long climb. ~an acorn hits TETROD! square in the speaker~ Ow...that did not feel too good a whole lot...~falls right into the hole, thus missing the ladder completely and tumbles into the everlasting darkness~

AND...CUT!

END OF CHAPTER ONE!

TETROD!: Oh my dear God, you idiots are morons! Look at all that! I do not think I need to write anymore to get my point across. But write I shall! Reviews are not only expected, they are required! In other words...REVIEW NOW, YOU PATHETIC MORTAL, OR FACE YOUR UNTIMELY DOOM AND DESTRUCTION! WAHOO!