When people envision California, they usually see sun, surfers, blondes, and miles and miles of beaches and shores that people secretly make out on. What you don’t usually think of is Death Valley, Mexicans, and midgets. And elections.

I’m sure you’ve already heard of the whole debacle happening on the West Coast. And with so many eccentric candidates, and from all walks of life, the fate of the election really has been put in the hands of the people, which really is what government is all about. What would democracy be if you couldn’t revoke the right of office from unworthy representatives of the people?

Of course, it probably wasn’t envisioned by our founding fathers to be quite like this.

First off, I’ll give you the vital statistics on just some of the candidates with their eyes on the prize. The prize, of course, being a 38 billion deficit, education problems, and 34 million disgruntled citizens to deal with.

Gray Davis- Democrat incumbent. Lost favor of his own party when he turned California from 49th most livable state to 51st. On the ropes for recall.

Pro: I’m sure he has some, but I haven’t heard of any since he got entered office.

Con: Responsible for such heinous crimes like raising taxes in an effort to salvage the economy, allowing the economy to sink nonetheless, favoring illegal immigrants, power failures, corruption, possibly the cause of all those earthquakes and tsunamis that plague California that are drawn to his evil Satan energy.

Arianna Huffington- Socialite/Republican turned columnist/left wing populist. Wrote "Pigs at the Trough". Although I haven’t read it, it’s probably awesome because it’s about greedy corporate pigs. Everyone likes books denouncing American corporations. How ironic, then, that she’s running for governor.

Pro: Only woman candidate not affiliated with adult entertainment.

Con: "My Democratic friends are right -- this recall is led by an embittered cult of right-wing zealots who have overdosed on tax-cuts Kool-Aid." She won’t get away for insulting Kool-Aid.

Peter Ueberroth- Ex-commissioner of Major League Baseball 1984-89. Also Time Magazine’s "Man of the Year 1984." That counts for something right?

Pro: "Saved" the Los Angeles Olympics back in ’84.

Con: Can’t pronounce last name.

Larry Flynt- Wheelchair bound "smut peddler who cares". Favors legalizing prostitution. Took a bullet for the Constitution.

Pro: Founder of the "working man’s" smut magazine. Is there any nobler profession?

Con: See above.

Mary Carey- porn star; screws men for a living, will probably screw California.

Pro: Not sure.

Con: Porn star.

Arnold Schwarzenegger- Austrian muscle man, former Mr. Universe, son of a Nazi. Star of such movies as the "Terminator" series, "The Running Man", and that movie about him being a cop or a kindergarten teacher or a cop-killing kindergarten teacher.

Pro: Will blast the budget back into shape with his Terminator guns.

Con: Will miss and instead destroy much of downtown San Francisco.

Gary Coleman- child star of ‘80s sitcom "Diff’rent Strokes".

Pro: He appeared on the Simpsons.

Con: His voice and stupid catch phrase vex me.

Cruz Bustamante- Democrat backstabber. Says that Democrats must face the political reality- reality being that Davis is a cock-addled nitwit. "No on the recall, yes on Bustamente".

Pro: "Serious Democrat". Also opposes the car tax and additional university fees

Con: Who the hell cares about a car tax? Is that the best you can do?

Trained squirrel named Isaac- buries nuts and acorns in the winter, then digs them back up in the springtime.

Pro: Makes a nice mascot for the office of Governor.

Con: Most likely to be assassinated by stray dog.

What a motley bunch. And come October 7, one of them will be sitting in a fancy plush leather chair in that Governor’s Office high above the land, surveying his shining domain much like Mufasa in the Lion King. Only Mufasa was cooler. And his domain wasn’t bleeding red ink and crawling with government-funded illegal immigrants. And as Davis has his kingdom forcibly snatched from him and handed to his successor, the Circle of Life goes on.

Normally there’s a long and complicated voting procedure that serves only to confuse voters and make their heads spin, overstimulating their brains and effectively turning the whole election process into a random lottery pick. All in the spirit of fairness of course. But in the end, someone’s gotta win, and regardless of whoever gets lucky, reforms and actions that are somewhere in the realm of "prudent" and "sensible" must be made, on the off chance that they might solve the problem, of which there are many. Or at least stall until the next election.

Because I don’t give a damn about the political situation in any state, that makes me the perfect, unbiased, completely impartial person to create a list of reforms and actions that may have the desired effect of making things better, or may have the unpleasant consequence of making things worse. Whichever, there’s nothing the public hates more than passiveness, so for a candidate to successively garner sufficient votes to capture that elusive title of governor, he/she will have to promise things, and big things, that will knock everyone off their feet and render them dazed and unconscious. And no one’s better than me at thinking of wild and creative solutions to dire and serious problems. If anyone’s serious about running for governor, then they would do well to take these issues into consideration.

-Power failures, blackouts, and brownouts usually result from the lack or scarcity of electricity. Obviously this is a result of not having enough plants or power-producing factories in California. While it would be easy to round up illegal immigrants and force them to build additional power plants at minimal cost, it would be far more efficient to try to harness the unimaginable mind-blowing energy of the greatest light bulb known to man. Yes, I’m talking about the sun. I’m surprised no one ever thought of this option before. Well, they probably have, but it obviously didn’t work very well. My idea consists of a large, heat-resistant cord connected to the sun, while a fleet of space shuttles drops nuclear bombs on its surface. The resulting explosions would generate a billion gazillion megawatts of pure nuclear fission energy, which would travel through the plug and into our homes, creating a soft, constant, if not radioactive, light.

-The governor-to-be will be excommunicated from whatever party he currently belongs to in order to discourage favoritism and political crap of that nature. A governor is elected by the people, shouldn’t be responsible a select group of people. Afterwards he will join a specially designated party which will consist of members with the sole purpose of smacking the governor upside the head with a 2X4 every time his approval rating drops a point. This will discourage fucking up.

-Immigrants will be rounded up and placed in reeducation camps. In these special camps located in the wastelands and valleys of California, they will mine deep in the earth for gold or deadly uranium. Periodically they will be visited by inspectors employed by the state who will teach them English and American history, all the while sniggering at them behind their backs because they just taught them that the Statue of Liberty was hand carved by George Washington and used to destroy the British fleet in 1849.

-State university fees and tuition can be waived if the student is willing to sign a contract promising their firstborn as payment for their education. These children will then be raised by the government in a secure location to be superintelligent military geniuses, destined to lead California to glorious victory over all opposing enemy states. The spoils of war will be exchanged for billions of pennies, which we will drop from the skies in a terrible rain of coppery destruction. We might start fixing the economy after that.

-Mexicans/Hispanics, who comprise a third of California’s population, will no longer be minorities. This will cause them to lose all of the perks of being a minority such as: affirmative action, pandering from public officials, government coddling, and the warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you’re a part of a small, close-knit, somewhat resented group.

-Murder will be made legal. So will drug use and prostitution. But in order to generate revenue they’ll be taxed accordingly:

The murder tariff: A hundred thousand dollars

The drug tariff: Amount of drugs X 100

The prostitution tariff: Amount of money for the whore X Amount of whores - number of STDs contracted

-Every time Barry Bonds hits a home run into McCovey Cove, it will be taxed: Distance X 100.

If these measures are implemented, I’m confident that they’ll serve to make California a less oppressive place to while away its citizens’ lives. In fact, I am so sure of their worth that if I weren’t so fond of my dignity, I’d join the election race right now. That is, if I could drug 65 people for their signatures, scrape up $3,500 by recycling old Sprite cans and collect Rocket cash, and build a time machine and travel back in time to make the deadline. Oh well, there’s always next election.

Note: Not as caught up on politics as I'd like to be, but the frivolity of it all was what attracted me.