Now That You’re Gone

A/n: wrote this one a while ago-its kidna depressing-bout a girl who lost the love of her life

            Sitting out under the oak I listen to the snowfall. Some people think that you can’t do something like listen to the snowfall because it’s silent but those people have never really tried. If you listen hard enough you can hear the angels crying, not like when it’s raining. When it rains its too loud to hear the heavens sobs but the snow is quiet. I learned that just from sitting here.

            Here, is with you or at least as much with you as I can be. You’re gone, you left me here. I’m alone and it’s your fault. After the accident you were the first person I wanted to see but when I asked to see you they just cried. At first I didn’t know why but then I knew—I didn’t want to know but it wasn’t something I couldn’t not think about. You were everything to me—you were my life but now you’re gone. You gave your life so I could have mine and now I have to go on alone.

            When I found out what you had done I hated you. You knew that I needed you and you knew what would happen if you ever left me. I remember you asking me one day. I had been surprised by your question and the thought scared me. I told you how I felt and then you promised me you’d never leave me. You lied—you broke your promise. My life is nothing without you, I have no reason to wake up. I wanted to die, it was the only way I could be with you.

            I tried to kill myself when I was still in the hospital because I didn’t have the strength to live. Your family hated me. After my suicide attempt while my parents were busy hiding somewhere your brothers came and they told me they hated me. They said that you died for me and if I were to kill myself your death would be in vain. They said if I was this weak they felt I wasn’t worthy of your life. Their words were a slap in the face that I desperately needed.

            I had been so selfish. They had lost their brother—I wasn’t the only one in pain. I hated myself for hurting them so much. I hated you for hurting them but looking at the pain in their eyes I couldn’t believe you had caused it. I started blaming myself for your death. If I hadn’t been in the accident none of this would have happened. You would still be alive and everything would be okay. But it wasn’t and so we were going to have to deal with it.

            I couldn’t make your brothers feel better, I couldn’t make their hurt go away. I told them I was sorry for taking you away from them but they said it had been your decision and that’s how you would have wanted it. They told me how important I was to you and how hard it would have been for you if I was gone. They wanted me to live because I had made you so happy—it would be wrong if I didn’t live.

            So I agreed—I would live for you. Your sacrifice would not be in vain and I would try to be happy for you. I didn’t want to live but for you I would do anything. After I told your brothers that we talked about you for a while and they cried. It was going to be hard for a long time.

            Thinking back now, it seems so long ago but your funeral had only been last week, I didn’t cry. I have yet to cry—I’ve held everything inside but I have my reasons. I’m here now, at your grave against my parents will. They think my being here will be too much stress and it would hinder my recovery after the accident. If anything I think it will help me get better sooner.

            You’d be 18 today, it’s your birthday and that’s why I came. It began to snow several hours ago and much to my surprise it stuck. There’s almost two inches of snow now and it’s getting colder. I hadn’t expected the cold weather and now my fingers have gone numb. You used to keep me warm on cold days; I guess you can’t do that anymore. You can’t be here to give me your jacket or take away all the bad in my life.

            I could spend the rest of my life wishing that it had been me instead of you. You were such an amazing person with so much going for you. You had so much to offer the world and so many people are better for knowing you. Your life was worth so much—so much more than mine was but you didn’t think so. You never thought you were and I wish I could have made you see yourself the way I saw you. Maybe then you could have realized how much you meant to me and to others. Maybe then you would have let me go and lived.

            Part of me still wants to hate you for leaving me because it hurts so much. It’s a pain I’ve never felt before and it’s unbearable. Sitting here I’ve tried to hate you, to make the pain mitigate but I find I cannot hate you. I can’t hate my angel but its better that way. Of course its going to hurt and things are going to be hard for a long time but I will be strong. I’m stronger than I was before I met you—you made me stronger. Together we beat some of the hardest things we’ve ever had to face in life and we made it out together because together we were strong. I’m going to have to learn to be strong on my own now.

            I can feel tears forming in my eyes but I choke them back. I can’t cry—it’s the one thing I can’t do. As I can finally calm down and the threatening tears subside I hear someone calling my name. My heart leaps into my throat because for an instant I think its you. As the voice continues I realize it’s your brother. So they finally caught on and figured out where I was. Or maybe your brother just had the same idea I had.

            That instant in which I let myself believe that you were back breaks my heart again. If you’ve ever had your heart break you can understand the intense pain it brings. When I found out you were gone my heart shattered and even now it hasn’t healed. I don’t think it will ever heal.

            You brother comes walking up, your old leather jacket in hand. I’m wiping a stray tear I let escape as he comes to stand before me.

            “You look cold,” is all he says. I merely nod for fear if I talk I might cry. He hands me your jacket and tells me to put it on. I obey without a word and bitterly think about how you are still keeping me warm in some way even though you’re gone.

            He sits down next to me, your cold tombstone before us. We don’t say anything, we just stare at your name carved elegantly into the stone, sealing you in your grave. I sniffle, trying to hold back the tears. Why did you leave me?

            Your brother turns and looks at me for a long time in silence, like he’s studying me and trying to figure out what’s going on in my head.

            Finally he speaks. “It’s okay to cry you know.”

            I shake my head. I can’t. You hated it when you made me cry anyway.

            “It is. He wouldn’t want you to suffer like this. You’d feel better if you cried. It might give you some kind of closure.”

            “I can’t!” I scream at him. “Don’t you understand? I can’t cry, there can’t be any closure!”

            He looks at me, his dark eyes (they remind me of yours )are sad. He keeps his voice quiet and calm. “Why? Why won’t you let there be some healing? Why won’t you cry?”

            “Because! If I cry that means he’s gone. That means he’s not going to come back and that I’m really alone. I can’t live like that—he was everything to me! You know exactly what I mean because of what he meant to you.”

            I can see the tears brimming in your brother’s eyes as he looks at me. Without a word he wraps his arms around me and holds me like you used to. I can feel him crying and quietly he whispers, “You have to let him go. He’s gone, he’s not coming back but he can’t rest in heaven until you let him go. I know you hurt but you can’t keep this all in. Let him go.”

            I can’t take it anymore, it hurts too much. I know that even though you’re gone you will always watch over me. I begin to think.

            I speak, quietly so that only you can hear. “I love you, I will always love you.”  

            And with that the tears begin to roll down my cheeks and I cry.