"Fear and Love"
By: Yuri Fan
Warning: Contains lesbian sex.
Note: You may interpret this story as a sort of prequel to "The Morning After" if you wish, but it is not inteded that way.
"No." A simple, single word. But it was a word that crushed me, now that it was my birthday and we were both 18.
"What do you mean, no?" Tammy turned away.
"I mean, I'm just not ready, that's all." I deeply sighed.
"You've been not ready for over a year and a half now. You said when we were both 18 you'd get over this." She didn't more.
"Sorry, Christine…I just can't." Pain swelled within my chest. I loved her, dearly…I wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to touch her…to share my passion for her with her. I wanted to fall asleep holding her…
"Because." She scratched her straight, short blonde hair.
"Because I'm too ugly for you?" This time she looked at me.
"No, no…you're beautiful."
"Because you're uncle said interracial relationships are wrong?" Her eyes widened.
"You know that you being Chinese has nothing to do with it." I had grown up in America, being adopted by white parents. I never had any much trouble fitting in, and my "parents" weren't even mad when I came out.
Tammy had made my life complete. I loved her…her mind, her heart, her soul…I felt so special and alive just sitting in the same room as her.
"It is God, then?" She bleakly nodded.
"You've been a good person. God wants you to be happy." Tears formed at her eyes.
"Don't you want us to be together in Heaven?" I nodded. I wasn't religious, but I would believe in Heaven if she did.
"Then we can't. It's unholy and unnatural."
"Even though you want to." She turned away again, and I felt my heart sink to my shoes.
"Or don't you?" She sobbed.
"Of…of course I want to! How could you say that! I love you! But…I'd be wrong…I could never go through with it knowing the whole time it was wrong." I brought my hand up to her face. That was all we could do. No kissing, that might get out of hand.
"Tammy…I love you. I just don't want us to stop ourselves from being happy." She was overcome with emotion for a moment.
"Go away, Christine. I want to be alone for a while." I stifled my own tears as I left her house. It was bad when she refused to tell her parents that we loved each other, it was bad when she drove an hour to find a confessional where they didn't know her after our first kiss…but this...I knew I would never leave her…no matter what she did, I would always love her. But it was so hard to see her to this to us. If she really loved me, why wouldn't she believe me?
When I came back, it was late at night. I told Tammy's parents that my parents were out for the night, and they said I could stay with Tammy for the night.
When I told Tammy this, she gave me the worst possible reaction. I hadn't meant for us to go through with it, only for us to simply sleep in the same bed…to just hug.
"You…you…" She ran, but I stopped her.
"No! No, I meant for us to just…just be here! We don't have to do anything!" She calmed down, but looked at me cautiously.
"I think we should break up." No…no…my heart shattered. Me, me who never cries…I cried and bawled. I no longer had the strength to use reason, or logic. I just collapsed and cried.
When I finally stopped, I was in her warm embrace. I felt somewhat better, and I needed to know why she said that.
"No girl will ever be happy with me. You're so outgoing and tough, you'd have no trouble finding someone ten times better then me. I should just settle down, find some guy…" I looked at her.
"Will a guy make you happy?" She stroked my back.
"It will make the Lord happy. It will make my parents happy." My sadness got the better of me again.
"Please…please…don't leave me…" She said nothing.
"I'd die without you...please…sure, sometimes you do things other girls wouldn't, but when I see that little glow inside you when I make you happy…please…" She nodded.
"You'd be happier with someone else…but it's your choice if you want me." I was silent, and she continued.
"I want us to be happy...I want us to kiss in public, to get married, to make love every night. But I'm too scared, and it wouldn't be right. It is unnatural."
I remembered when we first kissed, how charged and drained I felt at the same time. I felt like I could fall over dead and fly over a mountain at the same time. I wanted to kiss her again and again...and she ran.
We only kissed once after, as a promise that she would let her fear of me and our love go when we were both 18.
"Could you kiss me?" It was stupid to ask, especially tonight. I immediately regretted saying it. But I just wanted a kiss…I wanted us to have real closeness…we didn't have it when we were around others, why couldn't we have it when we were alone?
But to my surprise, she leaned over and kissed me. It was only a tiny peck on the lips, and all I felt from it was the desire to kiss her more. How could such a feeling be unnatural? She opened her mouth.
"We should go to…" She never finished. I don't know why I did it. I know I shouldn't have. I know that it was wrong. But I kissed her. Not a simple kiss, a full, passion filled, tongue all the way in the mouth, drift into rapture kind of kiss.
I first felt guilty, but then the guilt vanished, replaced by excitement. More of it was from the fact that I was actually kissing her then the kiss itself, but what did it even matter. She let herself lean back and wrapped her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight for an instant before pushing me away.
"I'm so scared" She whispered. "I want you to kiss me…but I feel so scared of myself…" I let my body fall on top of her, and pressed her forehead against mine.
"It's natural to feel what you feel for me…you love me…" She squirmed, and I could not tell if it was to get away from herself or to pull me closer. Perhaps both.
"Surrender yourself to your love for me…" I planted a tiny kiss on her neck.
"Our souls will always be together…our hearts will always beat as one…" She gazed up at me like a child might gaze at a shooting star, full of wonder and admiration. She loved my "way with words", she loved how much I believed in love.
"Don't be afraid…" I kissed her again, this time slower and softer. She wrapped her arms around my back, and hugged our bodies together tightly. When I broke this kiss, we were gasping for air, and stars were in our eyes.
We kissed, again and again, her hands playing with my long black hair, our lips dancing ballet with each other, and our tongue's moving like lovers. Each kiss seemed to bring me closer to something I could not name, and when we finally stopped, unknown to us how long later, we were both shaking.
"I don't care if we go to Hell. The feeling that I have now is more beautiful than anything Heaven could ever possibly offer." Did she really mean that?
"Please, forgive me for making us wait this long…you were right. Our love is so pure…I can feel the light inside my heart…your light inside me…" It seemed our kissing had shared more than our mouths, for she sounded a lot like me.
"I love you so much…I want us to share our love for each other, just like I promised we would." I looked down at her.
"Are you sure you're ready?"
"I'm super scared, but I don't want to make us wait another second." I nodded, and we both slowly took off our clothes after we made sure the door was locked.
We both blushed at our bodies and looked away. We were both a little bit self conscious about our weight. I always thought I was too thin and underdeveloped, and not very womanly looking, where she always thought she was a little bit on the chubby side.
I remember, before, when we talked about this.
"You're not chubby…you're beautiful. You're soft and curvy, and you have a figure worth looking at." I meant every word. Did she trust me?
"You don't have to waste lies on me…I know you love me and you don't care what I look like…" I hugged her close.
"But…I meant it. You are beautiful." She blushed.
"You have a figure worth looking at too, you know." Now it was my turn to not believe her.
"Please, Tammy, this? I'm skin and bones."
"Christine, you've delicate, petite…you look like a storybook princess…" It was my turn to blush. Did she really think that or was she just being nice?
I kissed her again, and the feeling of our naked bodies touching sent goose bumps across my skin. Our breasts were mashed together, and our hips were touching as well. We broke the kiss, and just looked at each other, trying to get comfortable with this new kind of exposure.
"So…what do we do now?" I had seen a few "films", but I did not know specifically what to do in a real life situation. Just goes to show, anything with the word "Wild" in it should not be used for instructional purposes.
"I don't know." We both nervously giggled, and I suddenly felt gripped by panic. What was I going to do?
We moved, to get under the covers, and I looked at her. It was so sad that she hated her body when I loved it so much. Her body simply screamed soft curves…she saw I was looking at her and she blushed.
As we moved under the covers together, she said "I should diet, huh?" I wrapped my arms around her, and wished she would believe me.
"Tammy, you're beautiful…so beautiful…" I heard her sniffle, then she kissed me. I had always been in control on our few kisses, but this time she was. Her kiss was passionate, and wonderful. When she stopped, I was shaking so hard, I was feeling ready to burst. I felt a sudden need to do something, but I did not know what.
I kicked the covers away from us, and I stared at her again. Her beauty was almost too good to be touched by me, and I suddenly felt guilty about how I was thinking about her.
"Look at me again." I stared at her, shocked. She…liked me looking at her?
I stared into her eyes, and leaned closer to her. I heard her whisper something to me, but I don't know what. I let my hand run across her swelling curve…
I stopped, shocked at what I had done. But she was still smiling, and I didn't want to take my hand away. I let both of my hands mimic the simple motion for a while, still getting used to how it felt to touch her.
I stared at her, wondering how it was that before she was so afraid of God retaliating, but now she was so accepting of this. It was probably our kissing, fueling our need to be close to each other.
"Tammy, are you sure you are not worried about God?" I hated to bring it up, but I could not bear her going to confessional after this. It would kill me.
"Christine, I love you…I realize now that's all that matters." I smiled.
"So you won't go to confessional after this?" She shook her head.
"I'll stay with you, forever…" I leaned forwards and kissed her forehead.
"And…am I doing this right?" She nodded.
I slowly moved my hands onto her breasts. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was gripped with fear that I would do something wrong. I swallowed hard, and then moved my hands.
As slowly and as gently as I could, I let my hands massage her beautiful, full, soft breasts. Our eyes were locked the whole time, and I knew that she was enjoying my touch. This knowledge alone, without the thrill and happiness of touching her like this, made me feel all tingly inside.
My nerves died, but only for a little bit. I soon realized that we would not do this all night, I was going to move on to something else. Although I probably could just do this all night…
No, no…I would have said that about the kissing, before I knew of this. Whatever came next, I would love, but I would be nervous all the same.
"Are you ready?" She nodded, and I planted a tiny trail of kisses down her neck. It went down her breasts, down to her slightly rounded tummy, down to her round, womanly thighs.
I looked at the place I was certain to kiss next. It was strange, but it looked very beautiful to me. With a gulp of fear and a shiver of uncertainty, I gently placed my lips down.
She gasped at my cold touch, and I drew my head away.
"I'm sorry, Tammy…" She shook her head.
"Keep going." I suddenly realized this wouldn't work. I wouldn't be able to see her face. Panic gripped me again, and I suddenly had the urge to run from the room.
I moved my face up to hers again, and this time my fingers moved. The dual fear and longing was present in both of our eyes, and I felt so scared that I might die as I slowly put one finger inside her.
She gasped again, but she did not do anything else. I felt surprised by her wetness, which I hoped was a good sign. I tried to move it around as gently as possible before I added one more to her.
Her eyes roamed the room at first, but soon became fixated on me. She was breathing heavy, though I am unsure how much of that was pleasure and how much was nerves.
I, as slowly as I could, moved my fingers in and out. I thought I could see a certain glow in her eyes.
Eventually, she let out a soft moan, and I felt incredible that it was for me. The repetition turned into a blur of time, and I never will know how long it lasted that way.
But I remember seeing a tear in her eye start to form as we stared at each other. The wondrous moment continued, and soon we were both crying, tears streaming down our cheeks. Happiness flooded through me like a tidal wave, and I felt completely connected to her soul.
Her hips eventually began to move against my hand, and she let out a large gasp as she clamped down on me. I felt simultaneously happy that I had given her this and sad that it was over.
I gazed at her expression, and suddenly realized that I had just been her first. I would always be her first, always…and she would always remember this night…
She was looking at me like I was a goddess, and I felt myself glow with more happiness than I have ever experienced before in my life. This was incredible…to give the girl that I loved this…
We simply smiled at each other for a while, before she started to get enough courage to do something. She let her hands tickle me for a little bit on all of my ticklish spots, my underarms, my tummy, and under my chin. I giggled and laughed, and I loved it. I never tried to stop her or fight her, I just lay back and let her, and it was wonderful.
As I was laughing, she suddenly stopped and kissed me deeply. Without knowing what I was doing, I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her closer to me. As the kiss ended, I became aware of a sudden anticipation I felt in my mind. I wanted her to kiss me again, a thousand times harder…
She let her hands dance around my small breasts, playing with my rising nipples and tenderly kissing them. I felt a tiny, almost electric surge as she did so.
"Ready"?" I was, and I nodded.
She brought her hand down, and I felt the sudden sensation of her inside me. I let out a little whimper, frightened of how it felt.
But, as she moved into me and I gazed into her eyes, the fear turned into a deep longing. I needed to feel this. When she added a second finger and started to move a little deeper and faster, I instinctually spread my legs.
"Tammy…" I wanted to tell her how much I loved this, how wonderful she was. But saying "Tammy" was all I could manage. From the expression of happiness on her face, I knew she didn't need more than that.
I felt my hips start to buck against the motion of her hand, just as hers had. It felt wonderful to have her free arm push me back down, to feel her suppressing my motions every time I moved my hips.
I looked up into her sweet eyes again, and chocked back a moan as I felt my insides twist and turn. I felt the familiar fear again, and I didn't know what to do. I called out her name, and blindly grabbed at her hand as I felt all my pent up longing being released. I stared into her eyes the entire time. I suddenly realized why she had looked so distant, so far off. We were not crying this time, but I felt just as connected to her.
We hugged, and rolled in the bed together, and cuddled like we would die if we didn't. We laughed, and we cried some more. We kissed, and we simply lay there in each other's sweet embrace. What we had just done was wonderful, but somehow, this was more. Perhaps it was the security that it was over, and we would no longer have to feel fear anymore, or perhaps the pleasure of cuddling with a lover was that much more wonderful for people like us.
I felt like we were one, a single entity with no purpose other than to be held. I stared at her, my beautiful Tammy, and squeezed her tight.
"Tammy, I love you…" We wouldn't leave this bed tonight, we wouldn't wake up alone tomorrow, and we would never be alone again, for the rest of our lives. Life was perfect.
"I love you too, Christine…"
And with that, we fell asleep in each others arms.