"This is your pilot spe..." The words were drowned out by low, gutteral sounds which could lead a reasonably prudent person to assume that the cockpit had been taken over by giant radioactive sloths.
So a reasonably prudent person decided to investigate. It wasn't as if there was anything else to do on a two-hour flight from Milwaukee to Chicago.
A reasonably prudent person stood up and went toward the front of the plane. I say toward the front, not forward, because he happened to be sitting backward. Why I don't know.
So he stood up and walked toward the front of the plane.
That was before he tripped over someone's foot and landed in a huge lake of mashed banana.
Don't ask him why there was a huge lake of mashed banana in a jet flying from Milwaukee to Chicago that happened to have been taken over by giant radioactive sloths. He'd rather not discuss it. Actually, he has kind of a thing with huge lakes of mashed banana. Every time he happens to come across one, he suddenly wants popcorn.
And every time he eats popcorn, he wants to take a long soak in a huge lake of mashed banana, with an orange billy goat. He then, in his fantasies, shoots the goat and eats its brain with ketchup and mushroom cream sauce. Then he purchases an extra-large tye-dyed Speedo thong and wears it to the library, where he meets the love of his life, who actually, come to think of it, looks an awful lot like the billy goat.
But that's beside the point. At this point he stood up and screamed, "MY SHORTS ARE ON FIRE." He did this because they were. Apparently huge lakes of mashed banana are flammable.
"Here," said a big guy who looked a lot like an orange billy goat, "have some popcorn."
As he took it, their fingers brushed and both felt a spark. Unfortunately, it was static electricity, and for some reason it blew up the plane. "AAH." Everyone on the plane screamed.
"BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS JOSH!" he screamed as they fell to a certain death from 20,000 feet up.
"SO IS MINE, WHAT OF IT?"
"OH! I'M GOING TO CHICAGO TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM HYPERACTIVE YELLOW COWS!"
"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE REAL, BECAUSE THIS SEEMS A LITTLE UNBELIEVABLE!"
"I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING ABOUT YOU. BUT THEN HOW COULD THE STATIC ELECTRICITY BLOW UP THE PLANE?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Then they both hit the ground. The force sent them through the ground and all the way down into hell.
"Go sit down until your names are called. Welcome to hell and have a nice day."
They went to sit down in the reception area, which was a large hot tub filled with Cheetos. Tables were piled high with ancient back issues of Parenting magazine. Three large bulldogs were asleep on the ceiling. Four people, apparently in charge, had tails, horns, red skin, and purple lipstick and were snoring in a corner.
"Why's everyone sleeping?"
"Because that's what you *do* here. It's a punishment for those who had any fun on earth. For every second of pleasure, you have to be here for a minute. Two minutes if the pleasure happened to be a sin."
"O-kay then. Does anyone have anything to eat?"
"Only hog feet. Heaven took the rest of the food."
"What about the Cheetos?'
"Those are actually diarrhea pills."
"Umm... could we have some pig feet?"
"No. For the first three days you have to consume nothing but your own toenails."
Then came the pink flying monkeys. They skipped merrily in from a door that read "Bathroom--Hermaphrodites." The monkeys proceeded to eat all of everyone's toes. And their ear hairs. And three tourists from Kansas. So Josh and Josh ate the monkeys.
"You shouldn't have done that."
"Because they'll coat your internal organs with grape jelly, hiccup three times, and then leave the body through your pilodinal cyst."
"I don't have a pilodinal cyst."
"Then they'll cut a hole in your forehead."
"But how do you get rid of the hole?"
"You have to get married within sixteen minutes in a swimming pool full of grape juice."
"And this all will happen when?"
"You'll be inhabited by the monkeys until you manage to fall asleep under a porch with three cats and the person you're destined to spend fifteen minutes with in the bathtub."
"*WHAT* person I'm destined to spend fifteen minutes with in the bathtub?"
"Oh, that reminds me. We have community bathtubs here. So you have to figure out who you're destined to take a bath with, and then fall asleep with that person under a porch inhabited by three cats."
"Okay... Do you have a porch and three cats?"
"You know your destiny already? Most people spend hours discussing it and get it wrong anyway."
"But we're not most people. And can we have a mattress and pillow, please?"
She handed over a mattress, a pillow, three cats, and a porch. "Enjoy yourselves..."
They set the porch down three feet from the desk, put the cats under it, and curled up on the mattress and went to sleep.
And woke up with holes in their foreheads and pink flying monkeys dancing on the porch above them.
They looked at a clock that was conveniently counting down the time they had left to get married before the holes became permanent. "FOUR MINUTES? WE NEED A SWIMMING POOL FILLED WITH GRAPE JUICE!"
Someone gave them a swimming pool full of grape juice. "SOMEBODY HAS TO DO THE CEREMONY!" He grabbed a flying pink monkey and handed him a script. "READ THIS!" They climbed into the swimming pool and took the wedding vows. Conveniently, they were both wearing extra-large Speedo thongs and had a marriage license.
Finally it was over. "I'm completely committed to making this work if you are."
Then he noticed that Josh Zintpnertenlgadson had turned into a pink monkey.