Loki pulled at the reigns and parked before his house.
"What? What are we stopping here for?"
Loki gave him a condescending look.
"You may be stupid, but I'm not riding in to Jontheim without protection."
The god came out after a moment with a silver sword. He began strapping it
to his thigh when Thor have him a Look.
"Hey, how come I don't get to use the sword?"
"You know how to use that thing?" Loki asked, pointing to the sword.
"Sure! The pointy end goes into the other guy."
".I'm keeping the sword." Loki said, mostly convinced that if he let the
god hold the sword, he would end up stabbing himself in the foot
Thor scowled, then Loki tossed the veil over his face.
"Be quiet will you? You can't speak in front of Thrym or he'll find out
you're not the blushing bride he's expecting."
"You want me to shut my mouth."
"It would surely be a welcome change from that incessant, pointless babble
that seems to fall out of your mouth with such frightening regularity."
When at last they left, Thor drove the magic goats hard, splitting
mountaintops left and right. The wooden wheels rumbled thunder from the
very clouds and threatened to break as wood was not meant to take that kind
Thrym heard the thunder, and knew it was Thor's chariot. But when he saw
who was driving he was overjoyed. Giants know magic, but Thor wasn't
disguised by spells. It was only dress, powder, and paint. And since giants
are not too bright, Thrym felt sure that the driver had to be his bride.
He ran to his mead-hall, kicking his lazy subjects awake.
"Up, foul ogres! Freyja is come to be my bride!"
Ogre 1 looked at Ogre 2 as they scampered off.
".Asgard must be pretty desperate."
"Yeah man, dey got dat biker lady ta come down heah."
"I think the boss man is gonna be a little disappointed when comes night
"Ooo dat boss lady's gonna be one cold fish. Lucky we don got no maid girls
down heah." Ogre two said, shaking his head.
"Boy you got that right." Ogre one said, avoiding the kick from Thrym.
"I can hear you two you know." Thrym roared, and the two ran to the
Four whole oxen were roasted to make the feast, along with sixteen whole
salmon and twenty barrels of ale.
"Oh man, it gonna be a feast tonight!" crowed Ogre two.
Once the 'bride' had arrived Thrym took them inside and showed them to the
high seat for feast. He spoke to his 'bride' and teased her, but Thor
refused to speak.
This alarmed Thrym, for he had heard about the poison tongue of the
goddess, so he turned to Loki.
"Why does she not talk?"
Loki answered "Oh, my lord, she was so excited when she heard that she was
to be your wife, she shouted for joy for eight whole days. She has made
Ogre one snickered.
"Boss lady's little maid ain't just got a purty face, looks like she got a
honey tongue too."
"Ya, but dat bride be a little big for da biker lady huh?"
"Don't be ridiculous, she's just...buried under all that lace." Loki
muttered, shooting death glares the Ogre who was too Smart for his own
But it seemed to satisfy the giant king, so they started to feast. Now
giants eat quite a lot, but no one ate as much as the 'bride', who ate on
whole ox, eight whole salmon, all of the cakes, and washed it down with
four barrels of ale!
"Da boss lady, she be eatin much more dan da boss man." Ogre two said.
"Wow, I haven't seen a healthy girl eat that much since ma sister's
weddin." Ogre one murmured. "I think I'm in love."
Ogre two shook his head, sending his Rastafarian braids flying. Don't ask
what the little rasta was doing up so far north, because he wasn't a real
rasta, just a poseur.
"Oh man, touch a hair on da boss lady an you'd be outta here fasta than you
"How can she eat so much?" The much ignored Thrym cried. "I have never seen
a woman eat so much!"
But crafty honey-tongued-bastard-Loki answered, "Oh, my lord, she was so
happy when she heard she was to be your wife, she couldn't eat a thing in
This seemed to satisfy the giant. .Well, I told you he was stupid.
"Man, why we workin for dis idiot anyways?" asked Ogre Two.
"'Cause the pay's good?"
"What are ya talking about man, we don't get paid."
"Then why're we hanging round here for?"
Ogre two shrugged.
"What other use for two miniature ogres are there?"
Over by the bride, Loki proceeded to kick Thor between the legs.
"Has anyone ever told you that you have a SERIOUS impulse control
problem?!" he hissed in to Thor's ear.
"Um..no" Thor wheezed.
The two ogres, unfortunately saw the exchange.
"Yo Billy boy, you evah seen a boss lady with somthin between her legs?"
"Well, my bother's named Sally, but besides from that, no I don't suppose I
Ogre one paused. ".You think we should talk with the boss man?"
"No, man, I don't like 'im. Lessee how dis turns out." Said Ogre two
So the two ogres scurried off.
Later in the feast Thrym got the idea to steal a kiss from his 'bride'. He
lifted up the veil just a little, and dropped it again in fear.
"Her eyes!" her cried. "Her eyes are so red and fierce!"
But crafty Loki replied, "Oh, she was so excited about being your wife that
she hasn't slept in eight days!"
".You know man, I got da feelin dat da boss lady be da owner of da hammer."
Ogre two muttered.
"If you're right, we'd better be hidin in the rafters when the boss lady
starts up." Ogre one said.
Thrym looked troubled, but he believed the trickster. "She hasn't slept or
eaten and has been rejoicing for eight days! Let us not delay the wedding!
Let us be married now!"
Thor almost jumped, but the always plotting Loki interrupted. "Oh good king
Thrym, Shouldn't you bring out Thor's hammer Mjolnir to honor your part of
Thor looked extremely happy at the mention of his hammer - although it was
hard to tell from under the veil-, but remembered not to speak.
Thrym thought a bit, which was hard for him, and said, "Bring out the
hammer, and lay it across her knees."
"Head for de rafters." Ogre two whispered.
But when the hammer touched Thor's knees, he snatched it up and struck
Thrym in the forehead...
"Try again striking higher"
Thor readily complied; he struck Thrym a mighty blow, killing him all at
once! Then he proceeded to clear the mead-hall. One by one all the giants
foolish enough to try him fell. All the others ran away. Except for the two
ogres in the rafters. They came down and sat next to Loki, eating at what
was left of the feast.
"So you be dat Loki-man we ben hearing bout?" Ogre two asked.
Loki raised a fine eyebrow. "Who else could save Asguard and drag Thor here
in drag in the same day?"
"Good point man." Ogre two said, then worked out a deal with the devil for
him and ogre two. After all, what other use for two miniature ogres are
And that is the tale of the theft of Thor's hammer, and how he won it back
again. And there is a moral that all men should remember: Before you go to
wed, look hard behind the wedding veil!