Title: Anxiety

Author: Abby ()

Rating: G

Notes: This is a story I felt compelled to write because it reflected a bit of my real life, and I wanted to share this story with everyone. I beg you to review this and tell me what you think, because I am looking forward to adding more chapters on. Enjoy!

PROLOGUE

I woke up in a cold sweat. My sudden stirring from sleep caused me to look around wildly, confused. For a split second I wasn't sure where I was, but I closed my eyes tightly and pressed my head against my pillow, willing myself to go back into unconciousness, as if falling asleep again would cause me to wake up again in a safer location.

Muscles tense, eyelids clamped shut, my ears reached out to the soft sounds of my surroundings, their sense of hearing heightened by the darkness. The blankets rustled as my foot twitched, somewhere in the house a joint in the old walls creaked, my heartbeat pounding in my ear like a steadily increasing rythym, and in the misdt of it all, my shallow breathing... This is what my ears and mind focused on, and before I knew it I was counting out the breaths, feeling as if I needed more air, and the shallow breaths quickly became gasps...

It was coming, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I'm suffocating!

I tried to force myself to think of something else, anything else, but the more I tried not to think about it, the faster the breaths came. Pretty soon the bed felt as if it were sliding away from me, the increased flow of oxygen causing me to become lightheaded, and the falling sensation made my leg involuntarily kick, as if it would save me from hitting the floor, or whatever hole that was sucking me in.

No! No! No! My mind screamed as I tried to fight, although somewhere inside me my war had already been lost. Depression sunk in, I couldn't hold it back any more. A shiver ran down my spine and before I knew it I was curled tightly in a ball, shaking uncontrollably, twitching under my covers.

Stop! Please stop!

My mind was still working furiously to reason this out, to give me some logical explanation of why I would be convulsing. You're being stupid. There is nothing to worry about. Just calm down. It will go away...

Another gasp of breath caught in my throat and suddenly I was without air.

This isn't going to end. You are going to lie here forever. You are going to DIE like this...

My lungs came back to life as a sob erupted from me and what little light was in the room was blurred as tears came into my eyes. I was alone, I was scared, I couldn't stop what was happening and nothing that I could think about was making it any more clearer. I started to believe the darker side of my thoughts. I was dying, I was wasting away, I could feel my heartbeat go wildly out of control, adrenaline pumping through my veins...

Out of desperation, I called out to God, not knowing if he was there or not, watching me fight my inner demons. It seemed unlikely that in the world that only consisted of my agony here in that bed, that God even existed. An awful thought considering that I had always declared myself as a Christian. The sudden idea of there being no God in the universe scared me beyond the level of fear that gripped me only moments ago. Feeling my body convulse, knees up to my chest, I called out again.

Jesus, I'm scared. My life is falling down around me, and now I am frightened that you might not be there anymore. Save me from this sickness, grant me the peace that you promise, for I have tried on my own, and I can't control it. Give me rest, let me sleep like someone normal, and let me trust that you are in command of everything. Please, PLEASE, help me...

More tears ran down my face onto my pillow, my hands were gripping the sheets to the point that I had lost all feeling in the fingers, and yet I kept whispering, "Please, please, please..."

But slowly my pleas were quieted. As the last 'please' escaped my lips, I felt my body relax, and the adrenaline that had coursed through me suddenly dissolved, a warmness replacing me. I lied there with my eyes open, staring through the cloudy blackness to a single ray of light that shone through the blinds. Thank You, oh, Thank You. Please don't ever let me do that again. Eventually the wetness on my cheeks dried into a salty crust.

Yet hours later, I was still awake, waiting for the morning to come, afraid to fall asleep lest another anxiety attack would strike me, and God wouldn't stop it that time...

Welcome to my every night.

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