Why Becoming A Teenager Makes You Stupid

I never really understood the female mind before. I figured it was too complex a thing for a mere male mortal to fully comprehend. I mean, with all the feminism and the women's rights on the media these days, it really seemed like the fairer sex was winning their battle for equality and freedom from male oppression and whatever kooky plans they had waiting for the unsuspecting men of the world. Hell if I was gonna stop them in their mad quest for world domination, err, I mean fair and equal treatment.

I used to be in classes where the majority of the girls were the best students, back in grade school. Talk about overachieving. I've never seen essays so long and detailed. Double-spacing was not an option, it had to be single. Copious notes, impeccable handwriting, a seemingly solid grasp of maturity for their age. The general consensus was that the girls are more creative, intellectual and knowledgeable than boys in pretty much all areas of study. Except math of course. I don't know if they actually liked working, or studied extra hard just to spite us men, or if they're just naturally geniuses. All I saw were A's for them and B's and C's for the boys. And that was that.

High school rolls around. A few years later, I have finally seen the truth. See, back then, we were technically still children, not yet teenagers experiencing the highs of orgasmic ecstasy and the lows of broken dreams. Puberty hadn't caught up to us and locked our brains in its death grip. Back then, the boys were stupid. Now unfortunately, boys are still stupid. Back then, girls were smart. But now? I don't know exactly how or what the onset of adolescence does to female minds, but it has some remarkably visible and drastic effects. Astoundingly, girls seem to get stupider and shallower as they progress through the swampy muck of their teenage years!

Sad to say, becoming a teenager must have some kind of gooifying effect on the mind. The hormones must work as some kind of acid, eating through the nerve endings and motor neurons, rendering the victim incapable of logical reasoning and reducing their verbal abilities to a constant spouting of, "like, like, like" every other word. The overall result is a loss of intelligence equal to a squirrel gnawing away at your brain stem like it was the last acorn on earth. Needless to say, being a teen is an awkward time, and naturally there are different ways of dealing with it. In this essay, I will explore the murky and potential dangerous world of what seems to be the norm for female behavior, particularly at the middle school to high school level, where being "normal" is the only acceptable option.

Girls are strange creatures. They seem to become an entirely different being when they hit 12 or 13, perhaps lasting until they are 18, or perhaps for the rest of their lives. Turning from a smart, perceptive, insightful, artistic, human being into a mere shadow of what she once was. Instead of studying and doing schoolwork and being nice and helpful, they gradually enter a stage of what I call "LOL-ization".

LOL-ization is what happens when a large army of estrogen and progesterone, working for a terrorist faction called "Puberty", hijacks a girl's common sense and runs it directly into her cerebrum, effectively destroying her self-esteem, intelligence, judgement, and vocabulary. She loses the ability to think clearly, and more importantly, for herself. Much like the Twin Towers, the rest of the mind comes crashing down and depending on the girl, it takes some time to rebuild. It may be a couple of years before she is up and back to normal. Or she may never fully recover from that deadly blow, forever doomed to a life of following every single fucking fashion or pop culture trend, socializing with her fellow braindead girlfriends and never realizing her full potential. And in that duration between initial impact and recovery, known as "adolescence", the girl is essentially a mindless herd animal, sticking with the other members of the flock and letting a long stream of uninspired drivel flow uninterrupted out of their mouths. In this time, she seeks out the company of her fellow females and they form a close friendship, becoming "tight" and "sisters". And then they hang out together, and study together, and eat together, and eventually lose their individuality and personality to the crowd. I think they believe that voluntary ignorance is "cool". This doesn't happen to all girls, but it does occur enough to warrant a serious problem to society.

My theory is that this most often occurs with the girls in the upper echelon of the school status hierarchy. The in-crowd. You know, the popular ones, the ones that the guys think are attractive, the ones that hang out at the lockers after school presumably waiting for their boyfriends or something. I'd say that they are the female counterpart to gangstas. Speaking of which, I will discuss them accordingly at a later time.

This doesn't happen to necessarily all girls, of course. In fact, if you've read my previous essay "Poignant Schoolish Commentary" I said that there are many different types of girls and that they all have their own quirks and peculiarities. I also said that I'd finish up my commentary on said popular girls, which you're currently reading.

These are stereotypes, that's true, and I wish it didn't happen for anyone, girl or boy. Unfortunately, the rest of today's pop culture trash generation seems to think otherwise. Stereotypes, biased and degrading as they are, are still real and very much alive. Fitting in, as it were, is highly desirable.

I've included a test for LOL-ization that you can take for yourself. Please answer them as truthfully and faithfully as you can. If you think you won't be able to handle the intense pressures of reading words and processing them in a timely and efficient manner, then stop reading this and go do something less challenging, like blinking, or writing a LiveJournal entry.

Does your screen name, pen name, or general Internet/public handle contain the words angel, gurl, babee, princess, or something similar?

Does your handle consist of a made-up Japanese-sounding name?

Are you confused by what I mean by the word "handle"?

Do you spell "girl" like "gurl"?

Do you spell "love" like "luv"?

Do you use the following terms in normal conversation on a regular basis: omg, lol, lmao, rofl, omglmaorofl, cya, bai bai, kewl, or l8terz?

Do you deliberately add the letter "z" to the end of every word you use? (i.e. lolz, wellz, dudez, guyz, propz, or any other abomination of English that you can think of)

Do you always use smileys as a way of expressing your thoughts/emotions?

Do/Did you have a boyfriend at age 13?

Is/Was he a gangsta or a gangsta-wannabe?

Do you find those kinds of boys attractive?

Do you find spiky gelled hair a turn-on?

Do you wear clothes with the word "Angel" in boldface letters and a little caricature of a slutty blonde girl next to it?

Do you wear a shirt with the slogan "Little Bitch" or something like that emblazoned on the front?

Do you think that's cute or clever?

Do you think your butt looks big?

Are you willing to exchange your legs in exchange for a size four waist?

Are you ignorant of current events?

Are you ignorant of what's going on Iraq and the Middle East?

Are you ignorant of where the Middle East is?

Are you ignorant of the difference between "ignorance" and "stupidity"?

Does your AIM Buddy List exceed 100 people?

Is your favorite pastime socializing over pointless issues like why you hate this-and-that and why you're in love with what's-his-name?

Do you enjoy instant messaging your friends to discuss said pointless issues?

Do you willingly listen to punk rock or idolize punk rockers?

Do you really think that they mean all those songs about pain and hate and rebellion?

Do you own glitter pens or milky pens or any of that crap?

Do you take notes in ten different colors using said pens?

Do you drink Asian bubble tea?

Are you a Fundamentalist?

Do you own twenty different pairs of shoes?

Do you own a weblog?

That you update every day?

Did you pay for it?

Are you actually a man taking this questionnaire, but don't have the balls to admit that you must be either fruity or incredibly bored?

If you answered yes to more than half those questions, then there's no doubt left, you are officially an "LOLoser". LOLosers usually start exhibiting the above symptoms around age 12. I feel for you if you fall under that category and I wish you the best. It may go away on its own too, but one can never be sure. Unfortunately, they pose a great danger to society as they threaten to overwhelm us with their drug-like state of teenage girl conformity. There might be some medication for it, but it involves a handgun and a game of Russian roulette.

I have seen this trend grow with alarming frequency in today's generation. Maybe it wasn't a common occurrence 10, 15 years back. But what I do know is that today's 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th grade girls are increasingly showing signs of LOL-ization. They travel around in large groups, happily babbling away about this or that, blissfully unaware that they can't think for themselves anymore. I don't know what the government's been feeding them, or what subliminal messages are being implanted into what movies, but there's no denying the evidence. They're everywhere. And the Internet and sites like Xanga have only facilitated the spread of their stupidity. Instead of useful information like news articles informing us of what unspeakable act of human carnage was caused by what underground terrorist group, all I see are weblogs where morons and the like-minded bitch and moan about shit that happens to them.

My school didn't use to have these kinds of people either. Maybe my grade's the last sane class. Every year since, every grade lower than us, collectively grouped into one neat category labeled "scum", seems to be packed with more and more brainless, chattering girls with way too much time on their hands. And with the boys trailing close behind, laughing it up over an inane joke about the difference between white people and black people. Every year I see bumbling and confused sevens gradually turn into stupid and arrogant eighth graders, and instead of rolling backpacks and Yugioh cards, it's overly baggy pants and $120 Timberlands. It's bad enough that few men ever have the brains to make it past mediocrity, now girls are falling into the same trap?

Maybe life will be funnier then. Stupidity can be amusing.

Closing Note: Pleased? Offended? Confused? Love me? Hate me? If you have anything you'd like to discuss, leave a review and I'll deal with your questions in a rational and logical manner.