Now edited by my extremely cool beta  10/9/03

Introduction: Jennifer’s fate.

Her body’s warmth was rubbing against me with her arm around me. She would awake wondering why, but not now. Now her soft eye lids lay shut as I watch her sleep with her soft snore, as I inhaled her mystifying and wonderful scent. What could I describe that sent as? Perhaps a mix of sugar cubes and peaches tainted with a slight alcohol scent.

She stirred as I held my breath hoping she wouldn’t wake. I didn’t want her to wake, I couldn’t bare her warmth to leave me, or have this moment pass me by so quickly. She filled my heart with warmth, as she only nudged closer to me and fell comfortable back into a deep sleep. Her delicate blond hair strain fell on her face and I wanted to move it, but yet again my fear controlled me not to do anything that might wake her up, I only wanted to take her presence in.

‘What do you dream of sweet Amanda?’ I whispered, not loud enough to wake her but only hoping she would somehow answer my question in her sleep, unaware I had control. She was too beautiful, and it made me realize that I couldn’t possibly love her. I was just too arrogant to know that what I felt was lust. That had to be why I let her lay her with me, that’s why I am watching her sleep, that’s why I am whispering questions to hope she’d answer her secrets of who she was to me.

Her delicate tan skin and her small frame, no, she was too beautiful. I lusted for her and it was wrong of me to be here. What would happen if she awoke and found me here looking at her with such lustful eyes? Damn my brother, why did she have to have this drunken bash of his? Like high school students need to get wasted in our house just because our folks had left. Now the girl that I have admired from a far is lying in my bed with her sweet scent mixing with his party’s buzz. Then again remind me to thank him, it’s been years since I have even had enough courage to say “Hi Amanda” and only wished I could find something I could just talk to her about. Now I would eventually have to say something to her, even if I had no idea what to say.

Then again why should I feel guilty? I didn’t go out there and make her drink; I didn’t make her come to my room. More importantly, she was completely dressed and I hadn’t touched her at all. So why should I feel so guilty? It was her who came to my room wasted, with me in it trying to block my brother’s immature party out or hoping my presence here would disturb adolescence coming into my room and trashing it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have let her in my room; maybe I should have turned her away back to those drunken fools. My brother, could he get us into anymore trouble with his party? I know how this will end, they all end the same way. Either the cops will come, or eventually our parents will come home and the house will be completely trashed and they’ll shoot before they ask questions. Even though he’s older, Mom will ask why I didn’t stop it. It was unfair, I work hard to be considered “worthy” to them, and my brother was a slacker and gets off for everything. I go to school, with a 4.0 average, and a job on top of that, and he does pretty much nothing but show up for school, and jack off with his friends.

Amanda, how sweet and beautiful she is, this is why I am wrong, I am staring at her without her awareness, it’s not right. I could move, but what if she woke as I was moving, she would see me on top of her, and wouldn’t that be worse? I could wake her up and ask her what she was doing in my bed, like I didn’t know. She was so close to me, practically cuddling with me, I didn’t want her to wake. I was sighing; this situation was almost like a wish come true, but a cruse at that. Could I look at this like a gift?

My eyes fumbled toward her lips again, what I would do to press with my own. Not a kiss like those drunken hormonal guys would kiss like, no a soft and gentle kiss. A pure kiss that would be filled ecstasy. I have to stop thinking these thoughts, they were wrong. What is fate doing to me? Testing me? To see if I could go through this experience completely guilt free at the end, then I already failed. What will happen when she wakes, what will I say? My head is filled with all these endless bitter sweet situations.

Why do I hate this situation? It must be a gift. I could have no shame with her; only in myself well I know the truth. It wasn’t as if I was complete clean anyway, I already felt shame for many other things.

I soaked in her beauty in my eyes once again, as if tell myself ‘you see its just sinful lust, not love.’ Like Romeo didn’t fall in love with Juliet, or at least I believe that. He saw her once and fell in love, right after he claimed some other woman’s love, I don’t believe it for one second. He only lusted with his dick. Then again, I am not like Romeo, am I? No, Romeo was a male who fell in love with a girl. My tale could never end in peace, if my tale was like his, then they would only say ‘Thank God in heaven thou sinners have been taken to hell.’

To tell you the truth, I rather not live my life the way I feel. Fearing everyone around me will kill me or threaten to, worrying if my family will ever accept me, and not being able to hold a loves hand because we’re afraid of the people around us, what part of that is appealing to you? For loving a woman, I am a sinner. Yes, it’s worse to love someone of the same sex then to hate someone for being attracted to the same sex. I don’t want it; I don’t want to be attracted to her. I don’t want any of it, but I don’t have a choice.

What will I tell her when she wakes? The truth I suppose, but well she is able to tell that I am nervous around her. Will she think bad thoughts about me? For once in my life, I really wish I was drunk. I can’t do this; I can’t breathe with her so close.