Short update. Just wanted to show I was loyal to this story still though. Having trouble updating my stories-time and inspiration probs.

Anyway. Sorry I haven’t updated. Thank you for those who have feedback, and those you have recently..because it reminded me to update.

And Cristina, that was the longest review I have ever gotten (on my story of Coffee with love) it made my smile from ear to ear. I was sitting next to..(lets say my Julie ::blink) and she was teasing me because I was smiling wide and giggling.  Well..anyway..going on and on is welcomed and loved. I wish I new your name on fanfic..I would read your Buffy fics.  Anyway…yeah..I should go now.

On with the story..

Chapter:  Fear of change (lets say part one)

            I told her I was in love with her. WHAT WAS I THINKING!  I haven’t even admitted that I was attracted to a woman, and yet I admitted out loud that I was in love with Amanda! It didn’t help that she ran away after I said it. What happened to me running away? I guess it was her turn.

            I used to think desk were for work. Now I think there for me slamming my head against them, repeat over and over again. It didn’t help that my brother so what happened and was acting incredible too nice….and incredible too guilt for something that I haven’t discovered. I just know because I know my brother like that back of my hand.

            The day was horrible, slow, I was lucky the teachers left me a lone though. I think my usual aura was dismissed today, and the teachers, my friends, were all too aware.

            I touched my pillow when I got up and cried. I felt sick, ill, like everything in me was cold. I don’t know how but I did drift off. I dream that I pulled Amanda in an elevator, and it was going up and up, and feeling brave I kissed her. I kissed her innocently and it was wonderful. Until I saw her face that was shock terror, and she yelled at me never to speak to her again. She screamed that I was a dirty dyke, and I was to stay the hell a way from her.  It was all I need for me to push into my sickness more, with my hands and forehead sweating, and my breath out of beat. I thought I would throw up any time, but that’s when my phone rang.

            I answered it and I heard her voice say hey. She asked me to come over. I licked my lips, and close my eyes. I told myself to relax, but my heart, my instincts, and my head were on overdrive, and nothing was able to tell me what to do. She told me that I could stay the night that be easier then going back and forth being that it already was a late evening. 

            It started out innocent, as most things to. We acted as if nothing had been said earlier that day. We were watching a movie, and she was lying down on the couch that I also sat on. She put her legs up on me, and I couldn’t help be happy that we were together and I could feel her touch and near. I suppose time is surreal, because I don’t remember much. All I remember her asking me where I wanted to sleep, and if I was against sleeping in her bed. I remember lying there, I remember feeling somewhat numb. Feelings scared, but still feeling warm.

            “Jenny,” her voice said gently. I wish I could write what happened in better words then just saying this is what happened, this is what happened.  All I remember is her taking my hand and wrapping it around her. All I remember is cuddling with her all night, all I remember feeling is incredible. “You’re uncomfortable, I can tell.”

            I sighed and whispered, “I am just worried.”

            “about what?”

            “feeling too much for you,” I said as I closed my eyes and sighed.

            “because I am an asshole,” she said and I slightly smiled.

            “no, your not.”