/”\  
               \*·¸.·*O*·¸.·*/
                \_______/

A Monotonous Fairytale

=====O=====

Chapter Three:

The Golden Duck, and a Heck of a lot of the Number Fourteen

=====O=====

Last Time:

“The tree was--(here he stopped for a dramatic pause)--cursed.” Bill swooned.

“By who?” asked a very pretty maid, fluttering her little handkerchief.

“Who else--ME!” Cackled Hubert, leaping out of the donkey suit then running in wide circles about them.

“Oh--WAIT! THAT IS HUBERT!” They screamed. Hubert flashed a smile before running into the castle toward his secret hideout.

“QUICKLY, AFTER HIM!” yelled the King of Ridiculous. So the perfect knights and assassins streamed after Hubert, only to come back fourteen seconds later, saying:

“We lost him in that horridly drab and badly decorated castle!”

=====O=====

Hubert skirted the torture room expertly. And about after an hour of hemming, decided that his work was good indeed. His only problem now was to make it back to his hideout without being seen.

“Well, that isn’t very difficult.” Hubert remarked, as he tied the thread and pocketed his needle. “Those perfect guards and assassins couldn’t catch a cold. Let alone actually notice something unless it bit them on their noses.” The guard next to him nodded, blinked, than turned back to the spot where Hubert had been fourteen seconds earlier (it took him about 12.8 seconds to blink, and 1.2 seconds to turn his head) shook his head, and then began to make his way toward the now-frilly torture room.

“Must have been my imagination. If it was important, it would’ve bit me in the nose.” He yawned. Hubert, from what appeared on the other side of the guard (who had looked the wrong way) sighed, and then scratched his head. Plaintively, he made his way rather loudly and unorthodoxly back to his hideout, being thoroughly ignored by the assassins and guards who appeared to be looking for him.  By now, I bet you are wondering about the so-called ‘hero’ of this story. No, no, not Hubert. He is the bad guy that we all like. I mean the good guy we all hate. Yes, I meant Dick. Dick was currently at that moment recovering from his bad hair day by spending the next fourteen hours at the royal spa and hairdressers. Now, being the only character in this story that you have an idea on what he looks like, imagine this: his hair is poofy. Now calm down, it’ll only be like that for the next fourteen minutes, as the best hairdressers in the kingdom were currently doing their best to make it un-poofy.

“MY HAIR IS PUFFY!” sobbed Dick, reading a magazine entitled: ‘Rich Princesses Currently Eligible’.

“Poofy, actually your highness. That is the word the narrator used.” Said Brittany, who despite everyone’s best interests, kept sneaking into strange chapters and being positively annoying. Dick shrugged, than gasped as he sat up straight, his eyes darting across the paragraph of his magazine. (It also happened at that moment, when he sat up so fast; gravity regained control of his hair and flattened it)

“Listen! Listen!” he shrieked. Immediately, everyone within a twenty mile radius shutted up to listen. “This month’s hardest to get Princess, is Princess Birtha of the kingdom of Stupid. She has been promised to the first prince/guy/continently poor woodcutter with a magic goose/random person who can make her laugh.” He read. He then sighed, clutching the magazine to his chest.

“I’m in love…” he muttered.

“But, you haven’t even seen her, this is unethical!” exclaimed the king.

“Not with her!” Dick snapped. “Her extremely outrageous wealth! See! $14.00!” Dick exclaimed, pointing at the bank note at the bottom. The King of Ridiculous gasped.

“$14.00?! That is a king’s ransom!” he yelled.

“It is!” said Dick pointing at the bit that read: ‘Total of King of Stupid’s ransom’.

“How convenient!” said the King of Ridiculous, wondrously. Dick shrugged, than, picking up a jewel-gold-and-silver-plated ax, and a stupidly huge and overly large expensive lunch, Dick decided that he would set out into the forest and chop down the cursed tree.

“But why? This has nothing to relevantly do with the current plot!” cried the King of Ridiculous. But Dick, with a strange and unexplainable urge to chop a tree for firewood and anger Hubert out of hiding, set off. (Closely tailed by a fourteen-legged snake, just in case) in what appeared to be about fourteen seconds, the Prince of Ridiculous and the much-hated Hero of our story found the ‘cursed tree’. Setting down his lunch with the impossibly stupid long description of how expensive it was, he took up his ax of wealth worth much more than $14.00, and started to swing it for no apparent reason, when suddenly the fairy jumped out of the bushes, shrieking: “WAAAAAIIITTT!!!” Dick stopped his ax in mid-swing, than turned to look at the fairy.

“The seems to be a very rushed storyline with no apparent direction of plot.” He said, than recovering, lest the Narrator re-read what he said, he cleared his throat and announced: “Hag, what is it that you want, and why have you stopped me from swinging my sword and probably having it swing back for no apparent reason and get buried in my shin?”  The fairy stood there staring at him, wondering how he could have possibly deducted all that even though there had only been two chapters, and Dick wasn’t very smart.

“Err…I am very hungry, could you…share your lunch with me?” she asked cautiously. Dick opened his mouth to say no, when my authoress powers intervened.

“Sure. Eat as much as you like.” He stated, looking rather stunned. The fairy was very happy, and slightly puzzled, she then had this great surge of generosity, and pointed at the tree.

“The tree has been uncursed, at the center stands a golden Duck named ‘Goober’ who will help you win the Princess Birtha’s $14.00.” she said, then, before Dick could change his mind, she ate all his lunch and dashed away. (Fourteen seconds later, she was caught in a bear trap and than taken by a barbaric tribe as a sacrifice to their obscure gods, which goes to show you that being mean only leads to a painful death) Dick, however, had no clue that this was going on, and then, carefully, he tapped the tree with the ax.

CLUNK! KEEERRRRRPPLLLUUNNKKK!!!

To his surprise, the tree, which had been deprived of the sun for so long thanks to the titanium alloy, fell over, revealing on its stump, a fat Chicken, who, before his eyes laid a golden egg. But this wasn’t what he was looking at, nope; he was looking at the thin malnourished Duck who was all golden and shimmery. He picked up the Duck happily, and than began to walk away, only startled to find that when he turned around, remembering to pick up his ax, he saw that fat chicken gulped down in one single bite by the fourteen-legged snake. Shrugging, he retrieved his ax and walked away, back toward the castle. If he had turned around one more (to remember to pick up the remnants of his lunch) he would have seen Hubert climb down a neighboring tree, strangle the snake, and retrieve both the golden egg and now-wet chicken.

“Poor, poor, Reboog.” He said, stroking the chicken. The Chicken clucked and laid another egg. Hubert tucked the little golden wonder into his pocket, before stalking away with the chicken in hand. “I know of a giant who would like a chicken.” He told it. It clucked happily, and the two walked off into the sunset.

“Isn’t it supposed to be a goose?” the King of Ridiculous asked Dick, (after we somehow moved really fast over to our hero, like most cheesy stories do) Dick shrugged, and dropped Goober into a tiny cramped cage.

“Tomorrow! I journey to the land of Stupid on the path of Cheesiness!” he proclaimed. The King of Ridiculous shrugged, then turning to Hubert, who was standing on his foot, he said:

“I didn’t know that there was such a path.”

“It’s just a coincidence. A stupid one too.” Replied Hubert. Several miles away, the King of Stupid sneezed, fell off a cliff, and was reported to have died, before climbing up the cliff and eating a plate of lasagna.

“No, it is ridiculous.” Pressed the King of Ridiculous, who, realizing what he just said, glared at Hubert, who smiled up at him. Fourteen seconds later, the King of Ridiculous realized that it was Hubert stand on his foot. Unfortunately, by that time, (precisely 0.1 ½ seconds before) Hubert had left, leaving the puzzled king staring profusely at his smashed foot.

=====O=====

Note: Yey! Chappie Three all done! Things just get stranger as the story progresses, and the next fairytale has been narrowed down to Thumbelina and Jack and the Beanstalk. (For those of you, who haven’t been paying attention, I’ve led up to the second option, and this is currently ‘The Golden Goose’) My ideas have slowed, but during Language Arts yesterday, I came up with a paragraph of my story that I plan to link into this one as soon as we get to it. (It is part of the ‘Thumbelina’ part) I’d like to thank Evil-Frolicing-Angel several times, for reviewing for both chapters so far, and I’d also like to thank Strayct for reviewing for each chapter and also the preview!! ^.^ Thankies! And Ahrar Nighthammer, even if you think its weird, and Forkgawddess for reviewing too!! (I’m glad you like it!) and thank you Eckrice of Rell for reviewing!!! Go Kalock! ^__________^   This time it was ‘13’ (I’m being ‘odd’ hehe!) what will it be next?! Keep reviewing to see the next chapter which I am going to call: “Birtha, and A Few ‘Stupid’ Laughs.” ^.^ (I’m Soooooo Evil)