Issue 3

The United States is close to agreeing a deal with the government of Iran today. The details of this deal have been kept secret by In Our Times has learnt that a ship full of Clarence Thomas impersonators has been spotted in the Gulf. Our expert in Middle Eastern affairs has confirmed that the Iranian government has long coveted the self-proclaimed “chocolate bear of the coolest Court in all the land.” The United Nations has long suspected the Islamic theocracy of developing secret cloning technology for the express purpose of developing an army of cracker-hating home-boys with in-depth knowledge of the current legal interpretation of the first, fifth and ninth amendments to the Constitution of the United States. So far no UN inspection team has managed to find the underground bunkers in which this program is being conducted by our sources indicate there are several interesting links, in particular connections with a black market supplier in Pakistan known only as “da bitch-cracking science-nigga, Yo!”

Tony Blair is continuing to face questions about the peerage scandal. He has denied that Tesco’s new two-for-one peerage special offer has anything to do with him or the Labour party. Tesco’s released a statement saying that the special offer was simply a way of attracting new customers, especially young ones, to the monarchical brand name and integrating them within the establishment five-year development plan. They say they are on course to increase the population of the establishment by 15 by the end of next year and if sales pick up in the Christmas period, as they predict, then they could exceed targets by as much as 20. Blair commented that he thought the Tesco’s plan was a “good idea” and he would be purchasing three peerages for each of his sons just for a “laugh”. When pressed he stated that Tesco’s is a fine “British institution” and any self-respecting Labour member should spent “at least 55.5” of their money in one of the many “fine” Tesco’s “superstores”. When asked about the troubling ethnical issue of closely linking the socialist trade union-founded Labour party with a ravenously capitalist multinational corporation Mr Blair responded with confusion at the word ‘ethnical’ then proceeded to hand out Tesco’s loyalty cards with a picture of him on the front. In the interests of openness it should be mentioned this reporter used his loyalty card to buy a pint of milk and a discounted chicken. He put his points towards a holiday in southern France despite the oppressively ugly lady on the counter insisting Tesco’s don’t offer coupons for that; they apparently don’t go “south of the river”, though she failed when pressed to name the river in question.

In “and Finally” news, In Our Times has learned that the England and Wales Cricket Board has almost finished development on a new format of cricket. Following the success of one-dayers and Twenty20 the ECB has created Naked Cricket. The rules are inconsequential. All you need to know is that each team has ten naked supermodels and a token ethnic minority. The ECB hope this will not only encourage interest in the game of cricket, especially among the horny male 14 to dead grouping, but also be an inclusive way of getting more minorities to play the sport. Or as Sir Jeremy Turleneck, the chairman of the ECB, put it, “those blackies, parkies, and jew-ies aren’t that bad with a bat after all. We got to get them on the field if we want to keep beating those thieving Aussies scum.” He then proceeded to foam a little a mouth and talk at length about the Victorian campaign in Afghanistan and the glory of Empire, though he failed when pressed to name the empire in question.

In Our Times would like to congratulate Mr. E Shipwreck from Middlesbrough for correctly identifying Benito Mussolini as our historical figure in tight pants. We hope he enjoys his holiday in Skegness.