Names change to protect the innocent or the not so innocent (hehehe) Who knows? The only name that isn’t changed is mine. If you read my “Coffee with love” and see resemblance to Kera and I, it’s because it really is semi-biographical. I used Rosaline and Julie character names for “coffee with love”, it because its the same two people that I based my story on.  Convenient, isn’t it?

Chapter: The power of a little confidence.

            For a decently average middle class family, who suppose to have it all together, will are house pretty trashed. Not to mention, anyone that comes in it smells the dirt of it, but we all have adapted to its smell. When I say trashed, I mean trashed.  I mean you step on crap, the tables have layers, and the last time we had a rat in our house it died of obesity. If a house describes the family, then I guess you could say we are a mess.

            All my life my  father’s been depressed, and my mom is never satisfied with herself or the rest of us. How many times have a caught my mother forcing herself to puke, too many times. Not that I am complaining, I can’t find myself anything then lucky. I just wanted to describe a certain home. My siblings are of at college. My sister is in her senior year of Mi State; majoring in psychology. My brother is a graduate of Western Mi University, and now in some school in Ohio trying to become a minister. Apparently, not following my father’s footsteps sense our father told us all to become mechanics, something to insure his retirement plan.

            My mother’s and mine bonding time is watching abc tape soaps after school. If you want to roll your eyes, or say that’s pathetic, go right a head. I am the lucky one though, because if you think about it, at least we have bounding time.  I don’t really watch all of now, like I used to, I rather write my stories. I do watch one, though, maybe you heard of it, its call “All my children.”  I probably only watch it because it has an actress playing a lesbian; although I started watching before that was introduce. (Author note: by the way if anyone knows what BAM means, I am so there)  So her X-girlfriend is prison right, and they have this dramatic pause thing like they are going to kiss. Although you now their not because its day time television, and if they were going to kiss there be this warning tag thing on it. I hate this world. Even if I am a BAM (Bianca and Maggie aka different couple) fan, I wouldn’t hate to see just a kiss between the two.  

            My mo m recognizes the pause and vents "Oh god, no they aren't going to kiss, do we have to see of this."
          So if you know me, you’ll know, I have to be sarcastic and say, "They’re not going to kiss, they didn’t give the warning tag."  By this time the couple on the television only do this lame squeeze hand thing. This proving my theory correct.
          "I swear, gay this, gay that, force down our throats." My mom says so arrogantly it makes my head shake.
          "gay stuff?" I say, maybe to pull at her.
          "You know, I defend the life style in front of the president of the woman E. Lutheran church. Who keeps saying all this stuff about how we are losing church members because we support the gay bishop. Then again, at the same time, I thinking, I don’t want to see it either."-mom. "It’s just wrong."
          You know, its hard to keep quiet when you don’t agree with your mother at all. Sense my opinion, maybe naturally, is that its more wrong to deny your feelings to fit into an unperfected world.
          "you know I have two gay cousins, at least one for sure. He has HIV now,(love him to death somewhere in there she says), but if he wasn’t with his partner..."  Now that pissed me off, not because of my sexuality, just because its complete ignorance.
          So now I really have to fight, “mom! HIV is not a gay disease."
          "yes it is. You only otherwise get it by the blood transplants."
          "Mom, HIV works like any STD, it doesn’t matter if your straight or gay. I have had enough health classes to know that." (really hate to sound smarter then my mom, so I guess I had to say my source.)
          "No. Your dad and me didn’t get it, we didn’t have any other partners, and we didn’t get it."
          I almost laughed, "YEAH! Because you didn't have any other partners! If two males don’t have any other partners besides each other, their not going to get HIV.(or bad blood put in them/dirty needles, that’s just implied)"
          "I dont know about that,” My mother says so ignorantly it turns me even more to a fight that I wont let down.
          "I DO!" I screamed.
          "Then why do the homosexual populations have more aids."
          "I don’t think that’s even true. It just was first found in a gay male. It’s not like that anymore. Anyone, doesn’t matter what sexuality, can get HIV." I state without question, then I question her bluntly "Arr-what you think your cousin, because he's gay, he gets punished because his gay!"
          "What, no. You know me better then that. I don’t have any right to say who God judges, or how he judges. You know me better then that."
          "I am sorry, it’s just you bugging me. I have a lot of gay friends and I support them 110%." I say bravely or maybe to secretly defend myself for why I am fighting this fight.
"         Support them so much you want to kiss and hug them,"-Mom says in a disgusted manner. So disgustingly it makes me cringe.
          "Hug them, yes,” I fight with an ‘what hell attitude.’
          "well that’s okay,"-mom says giving her permission.
          "what, ar," I kind of sigh out frustrated.
          "Its just I read something of yours that was sounding really gay-ish."
          "OMG, mom I swear that poem for English was about a friend," I said remembering recently a similar discussion. I swear that poem was about a friend, I guess a straight girl can’t write a poem about a girl. I didn’t know that rule, face it, I don’t need to know that rule. Though I wouldn’t have showed her if I wrote about a girl that I was attracted to, it was just about a friend.
          “Not that, a letter you wrote to Rosaline.”

          Rosaline my X, from the last chapter, it was enough to make me always give in or faint right there and then. I don’t give in, it would prove her right, even though she was right I wasn’t willing to admit it to her, not yet.

          “What, I don’t know what your talking about,” I said, although it was a lie, a lie made in fear.
          "It was all mushy, and how much you missed her." That was pretty much all my letters to Rosaline, I always missed her when she wasn’t around. She was an addiction I could never get rid of. She was the girl who had always constantly consumed my thoughts.
          "Whatever, I don’t know anything about that." I say, she accepts it. I leave, I was done with fighting. She had the winning piece, the secret to my hearts dismay.
          I go online for awhile and vent to my friend, Gillian for a few min, only to apologize for being an ass and letting it out on her. Then again, I she told me not apologize, that’s she was there for. Then I call Rosaline, something I new would catch my mother’s attention, something I might have done shove it her face. Something I might have done because I still love Rosaline and now again she was on my thoughts. Then again, maybe for my excuse that was to call her for information of my paper for English.

          “So did I catch you at a bad time?” I question ready to apologize, I hate calling people for that reason a lone. Not to mention, seems Rosaline is always busy. That girl has more after school clubs and hard classes then anyone else I know.

            “No actually, I am going on a field trip tomorrow, so no work.”

            “Sweet deal, maybe my timing is getting better.”

            “By the way, read my live journal.”

            “Why?”

            My mom had eventually left the room, with her ear dropping ear with it.

            “let just say,” I said quietly, “A certain old letter was found by mom that was written to you.”

            I don’t exactly remember how the conversation, went it was mostly my drama queen coming out I am sure.  Not something I am proud of, then again it’s a lot of laughs to.

            She eventually said she was going online, so she A would read my live journal, and B talking to me online. I think I was getting a little paranoid.

            It was fun, just goofing off with Rosaline. It had been awhile, like I said she always busy.

            I wrote something about Julie. I am not sure what. I talk about her a lot, with my growing crush about her, and my worry for her that she been in the hospital for at least two weeks. Julie’s the girl who rejected me, but she also suggested I had the possibility it could be more too recently.  It was mix signals but then again, it was Julie. I loved Julie, none of the really mattered, only that I wanted her well and happy.

            “blah, blah Julie.” She wrote, I smiled, as the idea came to me though I was sure it wasn’t true.

            “You keep blahing Julie,” I sent, then sent another message “You know, if I was a more self-assure or confident—I would think something.” I wrote.

            “can’t help it, the raging jealousy,” she wrote. I laughed.

            “Right, I cant help it with all this girls fighting over my attention.” I sent the message with an ‘lol.’

            “Actually Karole, I wasn’t going to say something but I can’t stop thinking about you lately.”

            “huh?” now I was confused, now I was excited, but more I was confused.

            “You just been so confident, and so happy, so much more then you used to be.”

            Right, so maybe that’s how I got a date for Friday, on a Monday, with my X.  For acting with confidence and acting stronger, I guess.

            A few weeks ago I was taking to Julie. She said a similar thing, sadly I was talking to her online to. I went online hoping she would be there, I was thinking about her and she signed on. So of coarse I couldn’t let it slide.

            I instant message her with a, “weird, I was thinking about you and you signed on.”

            “lol’ she wrote.

            “Must be the Julie and Karole twin thing,” I wrote, awhile ago she made that up, I think it was something when she read my mind.

            “yup.”

            We talk on for awhile, she probably got me to confess my feeling about her again. She always had a way of doing that. I had a crush on her sense at least 6th grade, and now I was a senior in high school. I don’t know, it was this chemistry I felt with her. I don’t know if she ever felt it with me, but I defiantly always felt it with her.

            I wrote “I am crazy.”

            “You’re not crazy.”

            “Sure I am, I am crazy for falling for a girl I can never have.”

            “I wouldn’t say that.”

            IF you saw the way my eyes widen, you would probably laugh.

            “Wait, which part?” I wrote with doubt.

            “That you don’t have a chance.”

            “huh?” I say huh a lot.

            “It’s not like I haven’t had a girlfriend before.”

            “I know but it’s me, I mean uh,” I wrote a lot of stutters.

            “Don’t do that, don’t lose confidence.” Julie spoke.

            “Okay I wont.”   (see, see!)

            “I am going to sign off, can I call you. It’s kind of late.”

            “What, is it 10 pm? That’s not bad.” I wrote.

            “no, actually its 11: 30.”

            “What, shit. It is.” Did I mention we talk a lot to each other? Something about time is irrelevant.

            “you can call me.”

            “okay, I’ll do that.”

            I called her, and yeah I was defiantly glad she wanted to talk to me.

            “I miss you so much today,” she said, and I blush I am sure, she called me on. “You blushing yet.”

            “No,” I lied.

            “sure..”  She always made me blush, she even made me blush my squeezing me cheeks.

            “I am cold,” she said. “next weekend when you stay here, I want be cold. Wont even have to turn on the electric blanket. Just us under the covers, wow.”

            I giggled with a slight shock.

            “Your giggling,” she said with a smile, I know I can always hear her smile.

            “No, I am not, just like I am not really, really red either.”

            I never got my weekend with her, she was sick. Then the next week she was in the hospital, then the next week Rosaline asked me out, and then, I was confused out my mind. The girl who broke up with me that I still crazy about and the girl that I feel home with that I can’t talk to right now about any of this.

            I went all week with thoughts of Rosaline and Julie. Worry about Julie, confused between my feelings of the both of them.  Then when Friday came, and didn’t get the chance to go out with Rosaline and talk to her about this. She cancelled on because she had to watch her sister. Haven’t talk to her sense.

            Confidence, so I have the big head now I guess, but now I am also confused. I am also so worried about Julie. I really love Julie, I haven’t told her why she’s sick. I’ll get to that at another time. I love Rosaline, I never stop loving Rosaline. How am I going to do this. So I might have a big head like that, I also have a bigger headache.  I told you before, confidence is attractive. I just didn’t know I was showing it, I didn’t know the two woman that I care about most, would start looking at me. This should really test my confidence, wont it.