And Then Some
Remembering back there was always one girl everyone picked on.that I picked
on. She was always so quiet and vulnerable, or at least that's what
everyone assumed. Back, in high school no one gave a damn about anyone
else. It was always looking out for number one. I thought that's what I was
doing too. By belittling her, I was looking out for myself. But, then
things changed drastically.she didn't come to school for weeks on end. The
last day I did see her in Gr. 10, I could tell.this unnecessary punishment
we had inflicted upon her had to stop. I was on the other side of the room,
but I could feel the presence of sorrow and despair that loomed around her.
I walked up to her, and was about to place my hand on her shoulder, almost
in a comforting manor when she turned and looked me right in the eyes. It
sent shivers down my spine.all the pain that was buried with in her.
"Um.I just wanted to say.uh, it's nice to see you here again." I tried to
sound caring. But something else must have slipped up.
"Because you can trample on me some more." She glared at me. It left me
speechless, this 'little' girl everyone thought had no voice, had more of a
voice than all of us.
"No.I mean.I wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything." I sighed, and that
time was able to place my hand on her shoulder. She pulled back, and
started to walk away slowly down the hall, as she left I could hear her
"I'm sure." She said plainly.
I would have never thought that words so simple could have such force. I
suppose, it wasn't just the words that made me change. I saw as she walked
away the effect all that horrible treatment had on her. Her blood on the
I woke in a cloud of confusion, why had I remembered that after all these
years. It happened four years ago. I guess it was a mixture of the stress
of starting college and this heavy guilt I could never shake off. I hadn't
been able to yet. I got out of bed and walked over to the window, I
couldn't see anything but I could feel everything from the morning cold to
the crisp sensation that something was about to happen. I had always been a
tad intuitive. "No wonder I feel so horrible thinking about it.it had
driven her to.to.suicide." Shivers crawled up my spine. "I- I just hope she
didn't go through and.kill herself."
The next thing I knew I was back in bed and had woken up all over again,
but this time to the sound of my alarm. I rose and prepared for the day,
disregarding all that had happened that night. Luckily, I lived near the
campus so it was only a short walk to the college. On the way I was trying
to decide which courses to take, when a cool breeze brushed the nape of my
neck. I couldn't help but turn around to see a girl sitting peacefully
waiting for the bus. Ridiculous as it is, I had the urge to take the bus
too, although it was only a 15-minute walk. So I turned around and sat
beside her. I glanced at her.and felt myself go red. She was beautiful, at
least in my mind eye. I leaned my head back and sighed. Usually when I did
that there was just black. But this time, the black was talking. Making me
remember my past once again. I tried to ignore it but her voice was
piercing me, one word at a time.
"Because you can trample on me some more." No! I'm sorry.don't do
it.please. Blood, blood is everywhere.
"NO! I'M SORRY!" I jumped and awoke. Did I say that out loud.That girl must
think I'm a freak. Just like how we thought that other girl was back in
Gr.10. I looked around and the bus was about to leave. Running after it, I
finally got on and of course there was only one seat left beside the girl
at the bus stop. I sit down with her yet again, I have remembered not to
look at her.but it was so difficult. I sneaked a look at her, and my heart
started to pound. So gorgeous and still she seemed so out of place.
"Hey there, Abe. How are you? You look.sickly." Ricky strutted up, slapped
my shoulder and laughed.
I looked again at the girl beside me, was it possible she was more
distant.but I hadn't said anything. "Hi Richard, yes I- I didn't sleep at
all last night." I avert my gaze.Richard knows me far too well. It's almost
I guess the avoidance gave me away. "Oh."
As loud as he was he had the gentlest soul. I looked to my left, caught her
eye and blushed. "Damn it!" I jumped from my seat and swiftly walked out
I didn't go to college that day. I was far too humiliated that I went red
when I saw her eyes. They were so blue, but something about them was
familiar. I opened the door to my apartment and slumped on to my bed.
Before I could even close my eyes there was a rapping on the door. I got up
reluctantly and walked over.
"What do you.oh." It was her, the girl from the bus. She looked at me
"You forgot this.on the bus. You might need it later." She said flatly,
handed me my wallet and started to walk away. Then, it struck me as she
walked away- it was her. The same girl from Gr. 10.but she was all grown
"No.wait! I can't let you just walk away again. I have to apologize!" I ran
after her.I could see little tear drops on the floor.it was too much like
"I'm sure." She said in the exact same way as before.
I finally caught up to her a pulled her back by the shoulder. She turned
and looked my in the eye. "Please.I- I.I can't let you walk away.I can't
let you suffer any more."
Her eyes still had that isolated, hurt look to them. Suddenly, an
overwhelming sense of hopeless devoured me. I let her go and turned to go
back to my room.
I was about to close the door but she stopped me. I looked into her eyes. I
thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. I wanted to tell
her everything, why I had been so cruel. Why I had just let her walk away.
Why I had been so awkward on the bus.but I couldn't find the words.
"Why can't I just walk away? You know how much it hurt me.not the names not
the neglect but you! You saying you were sorry, that it was nice to see
me.that hurt." She told me, tears streamed down her face.
I told her to come in and make herself comfortable as I walked into the
bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I walked back out into the
living room, and tried to stop myself from blushing and my hands from
shaking but it was no use. "Why.I just wanted to make amends. I saw my
wrong and everyone else's and I wanted it all to end. I didn't want to you
walk away and to." I couldn't finish, I knew it would hurt her and I didn't
want that in any way. Not now or ever.
"I loved you.Somehow I found the person inside, but I told myself I was
worthless and you would never accept me as anyone.not as a person. So when
you apologized I couldn't take it. I had already told myself it was too
I got it now; all she could do was walk from it. There was no other
solution for her back then. But there had to be a different one now.
"I never got your name.although for the past four years I've longed for
it." I said simply.
"I'm Abe." I said back with a small smile.
"I know. I know you Abe." She got up.
"No.don't leave. Please." I stammered. I looked away from her and
criticized myself, "Damn it.why can't I just speak properly. Listen, for
the last four years you have occupied the majority of my thoughts. I dream
about you, I worry about you, I hope."
She started to walk towards me and then something changed with in her.
"What did you hope for?" She asks quietly.
"I- it wasn't me that made you want take your own life. I was trying to
prevent that." I got up and started to pace the room.
"Abe.I..." Katrina started but I cut her off.
I had to let it all out now, or I would regret it forever. "Here's the
unbelievable part, and I'm being serious. When I saw you today at the bus
stop, I couldn't move. You froze me. Not because you're an icy person, not
because I knew it was you and was panicked. The panic came later. But
because I walk passed you and all I could think was, 'That girl is
beautiful.and yet something about her seemed very sad, like she is.' You
drew me in. The first time I saw you.I turned beat red. Then on the bus I
was caught so off guard when we looked at each other for that split second.
That I had no other choice but to run.like you did. Katrina, take your
revenge when I saw this, I want to learn from Gr. 10 and start all over
here, and now. As friends."
For the first time in all the years I had known of her, all the time I had
dreamt of her. She smiled. What I couldn't figure out was if her smile was
a smile with happiness to start over or to finally give me what I deserved.
But, that question was soon answered as well.
"Thank you Abe. I needed to know that and I want to start over as well. I
have long forgiven you for what you and the others had done. It was
myself.that I needed to get over."
Something strange happened then, she calmly walked up to me, and just as I
was about to expect the worst. She kissed my forehead and walked out the
door. She was truly perfect in all ways. All worry of the past disappeared
and several new questions came to mind. How had she dealt with it so
calmly, and why did I blush when she was near me, why had it worried me for
so long how she was. Maybe, just maybe I had fallen in love with her back
in Gr. 10.
I don't remember what I did after that. Only that I woke up on the living
room floor the next morning. After my everyday routine and decided I'd walk
today. So, not to get carried away again. That time I actually made it to
the school and I decided to sign up for Creative Writing and Psychology. I
had always been interested in the way peoples' minds worked. Luckily, I
only had to sign up and then leave.
School establishments always seemed to depress me, no doubt do because of
what happened way back then. I was on my way back, still avoiding the bus
when Richard ran up to me. He had a jolly expression but there was an
undertone of concern mixed in.
"So, are you going to tell me? You worry me.all this self-agonizing. Its
"Rich, if you knew what it drove her to. You'd be agonizing over it as
well. She attempted suicide, I'm just glad that she didn't go through with
it. It doesn't matter now, though. It turns out she's a student here. I
talked to her the other night, told her everything. It's all solved." I
sighed. What was Richard going to think of all this.
He looked at me like an older brother would, "Well, its over right. No more
fuss, lets just enjoy the rest of the year."
"Man, I wish it were that simple.but its not. I think I'm in love with
her.in fact I know I am." I looked away.
"What? Who's this girl of yours?" Richard laughed.
"Her name's Katrina. You know, the girl I was sitting beside on the bus."
".Abe, Katrina's my sister." He said quietly.
I stopped in my tracks, as I felt that sense of hopelessness that I had
before. But even more so this time. I didn't say anything I just stopped.
It looked as if I was going to take a detour home today. I didn't bother
explaining myself to Richard. I turned and left, I knew that I couldn't say
why.it's too complicated. 'Yeah, Richy Rich I'm completely in head over
heals for your sisters whom I didn't even know about. Oh and I completely
tortured here through high school, up until Gr. 10.' Yeah, I'm sure he'd
I walked through the forest, oblivious to the things around me. But then, I
didn't really care. All I wanted to do is get home into the comfort of my
little hole. I bumped someone's shoulder.
"Oh, Abe! Hi!"
It was Katrina. I ignored her, because soon enough she'd know that I love
her. I'm sure Richard would tell her. He was such an open kindhearted
person. I couldn't dare look back at her. If I hurt her I'd - I don't know
what I'd do. I finally reached my complex. Everything felt like it drained
me. Walking up the stairs, opening the door. I flopped on to my bed and
fell asleep almost immediately. It felt like ages had gone by that I was
asleep, until I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. I
didn't want to get up; I didn't want to even be awake. But I did anyway. It
swung open slowly and produced an eerie creaking noise. I didn't think to
get dresses fully again. It was Katrina.I should have guessed. Damn you,
"Abe, are you alright? Richard said you were ill so I came by to see you."
She said, it took me back to Gr.10 but in a different way. Words so simple,
but so soothing. I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry about before in the park. I'm having an awful day. I hope that."
I started to tell her, but I couldn't bring myself to say the rest. I
walked away into my bedroom and crawled back in.Please let this be a
dream.I want to fall asleep again.
"I'm fine. You're the one we're worried about. I mean.I don't even know if
I should be worried about you. I just started to notice you again
Once again, I had to explain a lot of things, which were exceedingly
complicated and only sounded logical in my own mind. I told Katrina that I
didn't know she was Richard's sister. And the recent circumstances made
life just a bit more confusing for me. I didn't go very deep though; I
didn't have courage too. Although, I thought it was safe to ask her how she
dealt with everything so well. But, I think she saw that inside me and
brought it up.
"First off all, He's my step brother. We are born from different parents.
We hardly ever see each other because of that so its no surprise that you
didn't know that he was my brother," She paused for a second and looked
away. "I'm not as steady minded as you assume. In fact, I didn't cope with
it all, or I wouldn't call this coping."
Katrina rolled up one of her sleeves and removed the fuzzy cuff from around
her wrist. Five scars, in the shape of a pentacle.This is.This is.I started
to tremble. I gazed over at her; tears were rolling down her cheeks. I
couldn't hold anything back anymore. I didn't care if she never loved me
ever.I had to tell her everything. That was my only option. I moved closer
to her, so that we were sitting beside each other. Gently, I tilted her
head, so that I could see her face and all the pain embodied in it. I
embraced her, wrapped my arms around her. For once I told myself, please
don't let this be a dream, and it wasn't.
"Katrina.this is all my fault. I'm so sorry for everything that I've done.
That's happened to you. It burns me to see you hurt.it." The words just
seem to flow out of my mouth.
"Abe.I don't understand." She said softly. I didn't want to let her go. Not
after all I've been through, or have put her through.
"Katrina, I love you." I said simple.
She pulled back, and looked up at me. I don't think she could comprehend
what I've said. Like she wanted to believe it, but something kept telling
her it was a lie. Not to give in.
"I don't understand."
I didn't know how to answer that. I understood though, the person who up
until Gr.10 bullied her said that he was in love with her, it sounded so
surreal. So set up, how could any one believe that? But I did in the only
way I thought possible. I had to let her see that I'm not trying to hurt
her. That this is for real. I inched closer to her; I could once again feel
the pain she felt. I placed my hand on her shoulder and leaned forward. I
kissed her. And for the time it lasted I thought I was going to melt. As I
leaned back again I said in the softest and most caring voice, "I'll let
you believe and do what you want. Just know that it won't be my hurting to
you, any longer."
She just sat there. I think she was also trying to figure out if she was
actually dreaming or not. I left her, and walked to the kitchen. Despite
that I could hardly function myself. My hands were shaking like no one's
business. She came in quietly but wasn't crying anymore. "I want to believe
you. Like I wanted to believe you in Gr. 10. But." She stopped unable to
find the appropriate words.
"I didn't know I that I loved you back in Gr. 10. But that day, it struck
me so hard and out of no where that I wasn't gaining anything for hurting
you. Later on, as I'd lie awake in bed night after night dreaming about
that day. I knew that this wasn't just guilt. It was far more but I
couldn't tell what else was there. Until, you came to my door. That's when
I realized it was you, because you had that same aura you did four years
ago. A couple nights ago, I couldn't fall asleep my head were filled with
so many thoughts of you. Right then I realized I had fallen for you back in
Gr. 10 and that's why I felt so compelled to bring your suffering to an
end. But, I was too worried to tell you, because I knew what had happened
to you. When you showed me the pentacle on your wrist, I thought I was
going to pass out. The only thing I could think about then was, 'How could
I have done this to the person I hold so dearly. This is all my fault. I
must end it.I have to tell her'.to tell you. And now I have."
There were no more secrets. Everything I had kept bottled up for four year
had been let loose. I figured she would be so appalled by all this that she
would never speak to me again. Then, would she have succeeded in her
revenge. But, I was wrong again.
"You've been up almost very night worrying about my welfare? You.you've
avoided eye contact with me with in the first two days you've seen me
again, and you.you.did this because you love me?" She asked me cautiously.
I nodded. She ran up to me and I prepared myself for a beating, but once
again nothing bad happened. She ran up to me and hugged me. I looked down
at her, she was crying again.
"Abe, I- I love you too. All this time.I've loved you."
Nothing else seemed to matter after that; the world- life seemed to make
sense. She was perfect for her words, plain as can be. held so much meaning
than anyone could ever imagine. That I could ever imagine.