Shattered Trust and Bitter Endings (Formerly Suicidal Cycle)

I'm such a horrible person.

Part of me regrets we ever met and part of me wishes otherwise. You were my closest friend and my worst enemy, my cherished companion and my nastiest betrayal. I put all my trust in you, more then I put in myself. I told you everything that mattered and you betrayed all that in one sentence. Two years ago I would have never imagine that the scrawny and fiery little blond/redhead would ever hurt me as much as you did. I never thought I'd be put in the position I was put. But, above all, I never thought we wouldn't be friends.

It all started innocent enough, these types of things always do. You were a friend of a friend, a mere acquaintance that sat next to me at lunch starting from the first day of school at Marlboro Middle School. I remember the first time I met you. You were about five inches shorter than me with shoulder length wavy, seemingly dirty blond hair. There was nothing really striking about you, you were just like that. Ordinary on the outside, crazy on the inside.

We had hardly ever conversed, maybe a few words exchanged in civility. Can you believe I thought you were a normal, conformed person? I mean, I hardly had any grounds to base my belief on, but human nature forced me to derive an impression of you from our brief interactions. Crazy, I know but you soon proved my first impression wrong. Our mutual friend got us talking to each other more frequently, and about more then just the weather. We quickly became friends though some common interests and insane rambling, you know the regular stuff crazies bond over. We started meeting and talking outside of school. We talked on the phone almost everyday for at least an hour at a time. I remember the first time your mom nagged at you about the bill; it had been $300, if I remember correctly. While your mom was nagging about the bill, mine was nagging about my phone hogging. I was a regular guest at your house, much to your mother's displeasure but she was always too lazy to drive you to mine. Though, it also could have something to do with the fact that your mother never really liked all.

We had some great laughs, do you remember? One of the funniest was when your brother ran into your new room, his old room before he moved down to the basement, in only his smiley face boxers. Poor guy hadn't known I was there, at the house that is, so he just casually walked it but the moment he saw me he started shouting profanities and ran into your walk in closet which still held his cloths (which was why he was there in the first place). I remember I dubbed over laughing at his boxers, or was it his reaction? I really don't remember which it was, maybe both, for it was rather funny. He came out minutes later and made a hasty retreat to the basement. Your brother avoided the two of us for the next twenty-four hours too embarrassed to face us. You told me your brother liked me ever since then, why I don't know. You said it had something to do with my odd sense of humor.

I told you things I never told anyone before. I told you everything. It's scary how much trust I had in you. I mean I had never trusted anyone before even remotely close to the amount of trusted you. But it thought you deserved that trust because you trusted me likewise. It was a perfect friendship. We talked about everything and nothing, and the best part was there was never any pressure, at least there wasn't until you put all you did upon my shoulders. You were at fault for the growing rift in out friendship. Don't get me wrong, I understand that it was my fault too but you started the rift and you finished it.

If I try and think of when the falling-out started I would only give myself a headache. There isn't a date, it was slow and gradual but all that matters is that it happened. The veil of deceit had been lifted from my eyes, and I was no longer blind to the truth. It wasn't anything big at first, just little things I suddenly had started to notice. Like the way you never seemed to take almost anything serious and the only thing you did take seriously weren't the right things to take seriously. You took all the wrong things seriously and you took them too far. How many times could you possible rant and rave at me for killing an insect (which, but the way you know I am deathly afraid and tend to kill them on site because of that fear) or some other wrong I committed against mother earth? Now, I don't know about you, but that's not something you take really seriously, to the point of screaming at your best friend if it's done. Then it got worse. I started to notice how much of a spoiled brat you were. I guess it really can't be helped that you were spoiled. I know your parents, and they did spoil you rotten, never disciplined you at all. Oh! But the best part is when they did finally try, and I used that term loosely, it was too late! They honestly expected you to bend to their will, to listen to them! I find that absolutely freaking hilarious! Take this for example: whenever your mom refused to do something you'd ask her too you'd reply in that I've- got-you-wrapped-around-my-finger-and-you-know-it voice where you told her to do it. And a good number of the time, she did it! You'd also flaunt your wealth in my face at times, intentionally or not, and I think those two were my biggest problems at first. But you had redeeming qualities too. I'm not gonna go around and say you were a totally vindictive and terrible person, no I'm better than that, because I know above all how much of a good person you were and how much of a better person you could be. You were very generous with your money, giving it out freely and never asking to be repaid. You would also buy random gifts for people, for no reason at all, you just would. I guess I sorta abused your generosity at times, but I'm only human, and humans are greedy creatures by nature so you will have to forgive me. You were also kind, you cared about nature and the environment immensely, and you cared about people too. I guess I can't really hate you for being such a strong environmental activist, after all, it was truly inspiring at times the amount of zeal you displayed in your love of nature.

The real problems though, didn't really start until after we started going to different schools. You went to Marlboro High School, as you never tried to get the education you really deserved. I know you, you were, and still are, so much smarter then you give yourself credit for. You never tried, you never saw the point. Was it because you thought you were stupid? I don't think that was it, but it seems that way. Maybe you believed your education, just like mostly everything else, would be handed to you on a silver platter. I don't know, but it's a possibility. Unlike you though, Howell High School was the way for me, as I was the little over achiever and went for the education I wanted; that I know would be fun and interesting and that I would enjoy. And I do, I enjoy my classes very much and the people as well, no matter how weird or crazy they seem to be. The problems really didn't present themselves clearly at first. We talked on the phone when we could, or more precisely, when I could, as I was the one that was always busy with some project or other. Nothing really happened, we didn't see or talk to each other enough for something to happen, or other then you getting pissed that I was always so busy. Excuse me if I do the work I was given, I like getting good grades. But the half way fighting and half way no existent communication didn't last long.

Things started to change. Things changed because I was changing, I didn't really didn't have a choice in the matter. Circumstances forced me to change, not for the first time. Freshman year was hell with all the shit I had to deal with, that I didn't want to deal with. Nevertheless, no matter how hellish it was, it was the most liberating year and I would never undo it. Meeting new people, teachers and students alike, opened me in a way nothing ever had. It was so refreshing, meeting all of these new people, in a new environment, I all of a sudden had this new view on almost everything and it felt good, really good, because these views were mine not my fathers, my mothers, mine for the first time, my views were truly my own and I loved it. But you didn't.

You. you grew bitter because I started to grow out of the mold you wanted to keep me in. You were angry that all of a sudden, I had different views that contradicted yours at not at times, most of the time. Your views were hypocritical and selfish at times and I didn't like them, but they were your own so I left you alone on that. But you didn't leave me alone. How could you? You HATED, no still hate, change with a vengeance. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Sound familiar? That's what you were. Changed had scorned you before and now that change fell upon me, you made it your duty to try and undo that change. That's why you didn't like the new me. I could hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes that you didn't like this new me that I liked, that I actually liked! I liked myself for the first time in years and my best friend hated the me I liked. Did you know how that made me feel?! No, no you wouldn't know, because you couldn't comprehend what it was like to be in my shoes at that time, because it's not like you to understand, not that at least. For the most part I suffered in silence and let you be, why I don't know, but I have been told before that I'm too nice and compassionate for my own good, maybe that's why.

So I suffered in silence. you yourself were having personal problems that led to you collapsing in on yourself emotionally. I don't blame you, you were never really an emotionally strong person, being pampered for most of your life and all but that doesn't mean I liked where it led. You all of a sudden didn't want to talk about everything and nothing, like we had always done before (for the most part), you wanted to play that game we always did to escape reality. It was always "Wanna RP?" never "you wanna talk?" Oh no! Heaven forbid you'd wanna live in the real world for a minute. I must admit, I wanted to play it a lot in the beginning as well, I had wanted to escape reality, this reality that in the end has changed me. But I did not always want to play, my life was becoming a life, a reality, I wanted to live so I did not wish to play as much, or at all anymore. I started to drift from you then. No longer did I wish to play that game so much, I suddenly wanted to obtain a piece of reality all for myself, not to mention the enormous work load that kept me busy most of the time and any free time I had I spent it on having a life (for once). But being blunt, I was kinda glad to get away from you and get around. Not that I didn't like spending time with you or anything but I needed to get away from you. You were like a raven, always the harbinger of something bad so it was only natural I wanted to get away from you, even for a little while. Yet, I felt bad, because you were still my .

Things got really bad during the end of the year, around April. I just moved for the fifth time in ten years (what a track record, I think only one of those military families that get transferred around a lot can beat me) and "The Divorce" was finalized. My life at that point was shit, just as disgusting and putrid. I was an emotional and mental mess and regularly needed someone to talk you. That someone wasn't you. How could it be when you, least of all, wanted absolutely nothing to do with my problems since my problems are what changed me. At the same time you were withdrawing farther and farther from reality into your little dream world with its warm possessive arms wrapped tightly around you. You no longer wished to speak of anything to do with the real world, which to you was not your world. It was scaring me to a point where I could no longer keep silent.

Calling you and confronting you about your problems was probably one of the hardest and the stupidest things I could have done. The fight that ensued was the worst verbal confrontation I had partaken in my life. You threatened suicide on me, more than once during the conversation, if I did not stop speaking, if I did not stop calling you on everything you wished to keep in your closet full of skeletons. Do you know what it's like to have your best friend threaten suicide if you didn't stop talking? That if you died it'd be my fault? You made me feel lower than I had ever felt before on that day. But I still forgave you and had absolute faith in you. What a fool I was.

A month passed with little to no fighting. We got over it and worked our problems out, or just agreed to never speak of them again, whichever. But then once again you wanted to play the game, and since it was now June 26th and I had no schoolwork to keep me busy I could have played. Could being the key word.

But I didn't want to. I was sick of the game. And you started complaining on my choice of players for the game and I didn't want to argue about something I wanted no part in. Of course, when I told you this you just took the fight even farther. You started to complain and argue over things that I thought we got over. You started saying how much of a bitch I was and how cruel and unfair I had become or had always been but you had never mentioned before. That hurt but it wasn't the first time you had said it, sadly so I really didn't give much of a thought to it. Since I had nothing to say to you I just let you rave and rant about whatever problem you had with me seeing as it seemed you had a lot of steam to let out. No biggie, right? How wrong I was, because with your next words, all my trust, my faith and my world came crashing down. All because of one measly sentence out of your mouth. You used my worst fear against me to hurt me in the worst way possible.

I started to cry right there and then. Silent, mournful tears of pure pain ran down my cheeks in miniature rivers. I hung up on you without saying a word and refused to pick up your phone calls. Caller ID became my new best friend for keeping me from hearing what you had to say afterwards.

I fell in to a deep state of depression. I lost the will to live and would lay in bed doing nothing but thinking about your words and that maybe they were true. I started thinking that maybe I deserved your words. I doubted my self in a way I had never doubted myself, and believe me, that's saying something since I have always doubted every action I have ever done. I wanted to die so badly, I went as far as completely planning out my suicide, date, time, method, and the notes I would leave to who and the contents of each. I had really scared myself at the time.

A week or so before my fifteenth birthday it got better though. I met some I really clicked with and instantly he was my new best friend. I also finally mended a friendship I had ruined in seventh/eighth grade with someone I regret to have ever fought with too. She was talking to me and we finally got past that horrible fight, which is all reality was entirely the fault of my jealousy. But that's not what was important (in the big picture, it is wonderful to have Em as a friend again but that's a story for a different time). I was getting over you. It might have taken me a while, but I was. I knew in my heart that everything you had made me start to think was not true, so I did try and seek help at times, from my mother, from Mr. Vanni, and from Em.

Also, after writing to Mr. Vanni a deeply disturbing email explaining my position, he contacted my mom who up until then refused to really listen to my plea for help. He finally got it through her head that this was not a phase but there was seriously something wrong with me and she finally acted. She took me to speak with someone who advised her to seek and find me a counselor.

My life was starting to get back on track but as always, when all was well and good I had to go and mess it all up. I had had ever intention of never forgiving you or contacting you again. I wanted to end that part of my life you had been part of, hence why I never wanted contact with you. But I needed to know why. Why did you say that? Why did you use my worst fear against me? I would never do that to you (use your worst fear against you that is), but you had always accused me of being cruel. If I really was a cruel as you say I would have, but I didn't. Makes you wonder, ne? But anyway, I contacted you and I wish I hadn't. I got myself right back into a mess. You fed me some crap ass story on how sorry you were and how you never meant to say it. I must say you put on quite a performance, such a convincing one that I accepted your apology, I dare say, I forgave you.

But I didn't forgive you! My forgiveness does not come easily, especially after all the pain and suffering you had caused me. I also didn't trust you! You give me no reason to trust or forgive you, other that your pathetic excuse of an apology. I didn't want to get back into this suicidal cycle that we have created. This cycle of push and pull emotions strained thin from fights and my mistrust of you. This friendship is suicide, no one wins and everyone loses. I didn't want to be part of such an existence where all we do is hurt each other to the very brink of death. I wanted out, but I can't find the exit. There was no way I can fall out without hurting you and I don't want to hurt you, even though you hurt me so much. So I kept my silence. Sure, I was hurting myself, continuing this sham, but I rather hurt myself then hurt you. I'm not like you; I don't hurt my friends intentionally.

But, it appeared that there is an exit after all, one that has been presented to me after long months. I must admit though, I was not doing a good job of being a "friend" to you. I purposely found reasons not to talk to you when I did not want to talk to you and found reasons not to see you when I didn't want to see you. I talked to you when I wanted to talk, which was not nearly as much as you wanted to talk but I think you have to realize that I do have a life now outside of you. I also excluded you from friendly get togethers as much as possible. I guess you could say I was ashamed to have you as a friend and want to see and hear from you as little as possible.

That, of course, did not mean I did not feel guilty about it and I did talk to you and did get together with you (though usually just the two of us, I wasn't cruel enough to subjugate another person to your insanity) and I even invited you to my New Year's Party, a party I had planned to exclude you from until about a week before the planned date. To say I regret inviting you would be an understatement. You were completely out of line and down right creepy. You were being all gothic, dressed in black and pretending to be gothic. You acted half anti-social and half out of your mind. You barely talked and had this grim look on your face almost the entire time and it was utterly ridiculous in my mind. You are not a Goth! You can try and pretend all you want but you aren't, so get over it! And then there was the "Biting Incident." Oh what crap that was. I know you are insane but that was weird, even for you. Seriously, how the hell could you have bitten Genna, a girl you don't even know! Genna, the weirdo that she is herself, laughed it off but she was not amused, she complained to me for two week afterwards. And that are just the incidents that come to mind. There were more, I'm sure of it. Our mutual friends were even freaked out by you and that's saying a lot. We're supposed to be used to your craziness. After that incident I distanced myself even more from you. I was even more ashamed to be your friend after my party. We talked even less and I don't recall ever seeing you after my party.

But there was another reason I started distancing from you in the first place. That reason lay in Howell, surprisingly. I met new people again, but I also got to know my fellow humanitarians better. And I became friends with them, or at least I think so. I became comfortable enough to be myself more frequently in a place I once considered hell. It was surprisingly refreshing and I began to really enjoy school. My new friends helped me deal with my issues without even knowing it. It have also helped that I finally got a psychiatrist. He was a little scary at first but I'm very comfortable now with him and have made tons of progress. No thanks to you, in fact, you are, or rather were a frequent topic of our discussions. Surprised? Why? You have cause me much pain and doubt that it is only natural that I would speak of you, don't you agree? After all, you have your own legion of psychiatrists.

Anyway, back to the main point. I started to feel that I didn't need you as a friend or anything really. I almost felt bad for feeling that way but then again, you hurt me first. But, with those feelings in mind, I guess it's my fault that our friendship ended the way it did. I'm ashamed to say it but it's my fault if you got hurt and I really didn't want you to get hurt. For your benefit, I had started playing the game with you (though I did like playing it myself occasionally) and we got into fights, again, over the stupid game. I suppose you just started a fight at the wrong time (for I distinctly remember being in a fowl mood) and the fight was bad. Real bad. We didn't speak until the next day (when I was still in a very fowl mood, if not worse) and we just got into another fight. I specifically remember using very improper language as my last words to you. And I mean last words; I haven't spoken to you in months. I feel very guilty over the fact that my last words to you were, and I quote, "F*** you" but I guess it can't be helped.

Two days after our final fight I had an appointment with my counselor and, once again, we discussed you. And he told me to never contact you again. He wasn't the first to say it too (sadly), my mom and other friends have said it before but the way he explained why he thought I should never speak to you again convinced me to follow his advice. Well, I guess I don't have to say that, you would know I'm following that advice.

I'm proud to say ( really since you aren't here, as my friend, to enjoy this with me) that I am happy. I really am deliriously, absolutely, and completely happy for the first time in years. My life is finally going right in 95 percent of everything. I guess what Sophia Loren (oh what irony*) said is true. "Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life." And you are my best, favorite, and most cherished mistake that I would gladly do all over again. Because that's just me.

*** This is the extended version of Suicidal Cycle. It's a twice as long and came out really well. This is, obviously, about a broken friendship. This is my take on it though.

For some reason I think this is an early version of this story. I was so sure it was three pages longer.I'll have to find the printed version and check.