Listening For Life

You haven’t been yourself in weeks. You’ve been afraid, scared, angry…anything but yourself and now you’re trying so hard to get back to where you were that you realise that maybe, just maybe before isn’t where you need to be…

You’ve been sat outside his door for what seems like hours listening to him breath to him move…just listening and you’ve come to realise that there’s nowhere else you’d rather be right now because knowing he’s in that room is all that’s keeping you together.

It’s been like this for days. You know what it feels like to lose your best friend but you can’t possibly understand what it feels like to know that they’re still alive, they just won’t wake up…but you’re trying to understand, you’re trying to help but he won’t let you…

He hasn’t spoken more than two words in a row for over a week but you don’t mind. Any word he does speak you treasure and catalogue away in your mind in fear of the day where he just stops speaking all together. You pray to God that, that never happens because a world where you don’t get to hear that deep soothing voice, or hear that infectious laughter is a world that you’re not sure sounds appealing and the last thing he needs is you making him feel even more guilty than he does at the moment.

You’ve tried to get him to speak to you, but he’s shut himself off from the world, off from you and off from anything that could make him happy. You realise that you should have been there for him from the beginning but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

How can you help someone who’s whole world has come crumbling down at their feet and who blames themselves for the destruction of everything they hold dear to them?

You can’t. Well, maybe you could have at the beginning but now you’re afraid it’s too late. He’s had long enough you realise to blame himself and there’s no changing his mind.

So all you can do is sit and wait outside his door, listening in to make sure he’s still there and hope, hope that one-day he’s strong enough to pull through this.

After all, if he doesn’t manage to pull through this, are you going to be able to? You don’t think so. He’s the only reason you didn’t kill yourself all those years ago. He brought you out of a deep depression that consumed you and ate away at your soul until you thought you could never pull through. One day he came along and you realised that maybe there was something worth living for…that maybe one loss wasn’t the end of everything.

Funny how his one loss has destroyed his life, it just goes to show that you never can understand what’s going on in someone’s mind until you’ve been through the same emotions.

But you love him. You guess that’s pretty much obvious and up until now you thought he loved you back. But, sitting outside his door you search for those times you swear he told you he loved you and come up blank. You realise he never told you and you realise that maybe this is why he can’t pull through this loss. He can’t pull through because the one person he really does love has been ripped away from him and you’ll never even come close to replacing him.

It hurts. You can’t breath. The sudden realisation that the person you love doesn’t love you is killing you and you remember how it felt all those years ago. So you cry. You forget about listening for movement, for life because how can you listen for something like life when all you feel is dead inside?

Suddenly being near to him, even if there is a door in between you doesn’t seem so appealing. It’s funny isn’t it how things can change so easily. Life really is just fickle and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Before you leave you take one last look at the place you considered your heaven, your haven…the one place you thought you could always rely on. But the door’s still closed and you realise that maybe, just maybe this was a sign that you just never took notice of until now.

Your last thought before you leave makes you smile because you realise that in some twisted way, maybe you two really were meant for each other, after all, it’s not like either of you can ever have the person you love.

As you reach the front door you think you hear his bedroom door open, but you can’t be certain and you don’t want to check in case it’s still closed…so you leave. And you’re not sure if it’s your imagination but as you close the door that leads to your heaven, you hear a small sob and what sounds like a plea for you to stay but you can’t turn back because where has looking back ever gotten you?

And even when you hear the front door open, you still can’t bring yourself to look back because he doesn’t love you and if you stop now, you’ll only get hurt.

And then you hear the words you thought you’d heard before and suddenly they don’t mean a thing because they should have been said so long ago. You think you were right in the beginning, before is definitely not where you need to be.

But what if looking back is the only thing that can save you? You guess you’ll never know.

A/N.

I blame the freezing weather, my cold and my music for the outcome of this. Sorry if it’s too depressing, lame or what not.

Review regardless though dammit.