Love. What does that word truly mean? When I was younger I thought it meant holding hands in the hall, hugging someone, that's what I thought love was. I thought that you would meet someone and in days you would be in love. I thought that for everyone there was someone out there for them, that no one ever died alone. I thought by the time I was 13 I would already be in love, that I would have this great boyfriend who I deeply loved and he deeply loved me back. Sex was never something that I even thought of because I wasn't even quite sure what that was anyway. I didn't think that anyone got cheated on, I just figured that they would break up and instantly find someone new. So no that I'm older I find myself questioning what love is. My 13th birthday came and went, with no sign of a true love. I thought for sure 14 would bring about this so-called boyfriend but that year also went by faster than I thought it would. Then there was 15th and I was becoming more and more discouraged as the days bled into one another. So now I just turned 16, and people keep telling me just to wait, that person is out there somewhere for you, he'll come eventually. But the truth of the matter is that I have been very patient, I haven't complained, I haven't pushed for it. I was ok for a while until I truly realized how lonely I was as the days go by. I try not to harp on it; I try not to think about. But it's the days like this, where all of my friends are out with their boyfriends and I'm sitting alone for another Saturday night, that it just becomes harder and harder to deal with. I go to bed at night with tears in my eyes wishing for someone to come along and love me for me. That perfect someone. He doesn't even need to be that perfect someone, just someone that I love. Is that so much to ask for? And now that I'm in this situation I find myself considering something that I never thought I would consider, because I always thought I was better than that, I was thinking of going out with someone just for the sake of having someone, I was thinking of going out with a person just as desperate as me that I had no romantic feeling for. I know that that's wrong, it's so wrong that in the past I would look down on the people that did do it, I would criticize them for doing something so stupid. But now I see why. It's just that sometimes the loneliness gets to you; it seeps into the pours of your body until you can't think straight. You feel it every time someone complains about their boyfriend or girlfriend, you feel it when your two friends kiss in front of you, you feel it when the people that have what your desperately seeking complain that it's not good enough for them. But I think the worst part of it is that there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. There is no love spell that will make that special person run to you, there is no amount of willing it so that will make it happen. There's nothing. You are totally and completely helpless. So as I stop writing this and I reread it I probably will start to cry and wish that I was somewhere else, in someone else arms, just for a day. But that's not going to happen today, and probably not tomorrow, or the day after that. In fact it might never. But I can't think about that, because even thought it looks grim, there's still that part of me that hopes that another day will bring about the thing that I think I need most, love.