I finally know what it feels like to be dead. numb. Everything is so cold. you don't feel anything anymore. No pain, no pleasure. you lose track of time because it didn't matter to you anymore. Nothing does. You're too tired to even feel anymore. Your body has just decided to shut down and abandon you. Your mind is much too fuzzy and blur to know what's going on. You do not even realize that you're slowly drifting in and out of consciousness.
That's how I feel.
If it wasn't for the fact that my dad decided to drag me out of the house to see a doc, I think I might be lying in a pool of my own vomit. I caught a throat infection a few days ago but I brushed it off as a common cold. That was until I coughed my throat raw and started throwing up whatever that was in me. and to think I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's breakfast. It's amazing how much shit I have in me.
I knew I should've seen a doc earlier. But I didn't. I refused to. Not only because I hate (and I'm not able) to swallow pills, but because I felt that I deserved the pain. Because I've once again hurt the one I love. But it was not on purpose. I didn't know what had gotten into me. I just snapped.
It was like someone else shouting at her and not me. Someone else had taken over. I remember everything vividly. I also remembered telling myself to stop. But I didn't.
And I paid a price for it.
I broke her heart.
Again.
And I can't mend it this time.
I know I've hurt her. And I said sorry. I knew it wasn't enough. but.
Did she have to kiss him?
I think I reached my limit when I saw her message saying that she almost lost her virginity today. I just. stared.
Although it was the guy who initiated the first move. but did she have to kiss him back? Did she?
She promised me. she said that only my lips will be allowed on hers, only my arms are allowed around her, she only belonged to me.
And she lied.
She lied!
She fucking lied!
And the funny thing is, I don't feel a thing. No pain, no relieve, no anger. Just.
Numbness.
I want to cry damn it! But no tears will flow!
I want to feel pain! But no matter how much I bleed I don't feel it!
I want my girlfriend back!
But she doesn't want me.
I want to feel the hurt she has cost me. but I don't feel anything.
Nothing.

That's why I think I'm going insane.