NOTE: I got a tad bit kooky today...and also, I will admit that this story was completely inspired by Historical Survivor...go read it, it's hilarious!

HISTORICAL PARADISE HOTEL
Episode #001: Pilot

(ROLL OPENING CREDITS)

(Voice of Regis Philbin): Welcome to Paradise Hotel, where you must hook up…or be kicked out in the hotel.

(Pictures of the first 7 historical hotel guests/contestants are flashed:

- Henry VIII (at age 52, balding, red-haired, and extremely fat) – is currently married to his sixth wife.

- Elizabeth I (in mid-20’s, red-haired, like her father, though very thin) – has recently become Queen of England

- Elvis Presley (very attractive, in pre-fat-Elvis days) – has recently become very famous and popular among teens

- Carrie Nation (mid-forties, stern-looking) – slightly crazy leader of the Prohibition movement...went around with a hatchet and smashed up bar mirrors.

- Thomas Jefferson (tall, red-haired) – August 1776, a month after writing the Declaration of Independence

- Dolley Madison (pretty, toast of Philadelphian society, recently married to James Madison) – from same period as Jefferson

- Franklin D. Roosevelt (in early thirties, pre-president and pre-polio, young, handsome) – a US senator, married to Eleanor Roosevelt.

Their host, Regis Philbin, greets them in the hotel lobby to explain the rules)

Regis: Contestants, welcome to an all-expense paid trip to paradise. Here, you will find many modern conveniences and luxuries that were unavailable in your own time. You will all live in privilege with a roommate. At the end of every week, you will select new roommates, or if you prefer, stay with your old ones, the person who is not chosen will leave Paradise Hotel forever, and a new guest will be recruited to take their place. For the first week, the room assignment are as follows: King Henry VIII Tudor of England and Mrs. Nation, Elvis Presley and Queen Elizabeth I Tudor of England…

Henry VIII: Wait a minute…you mean to say that my daughter became queen after I died?

Elizabeth I: I did, and I daresay that I shall do a much better job of governing England than you, Father.

Henry VIII: How dare you! Treason! I shall have your head sliced off…

Regis: If you don’t mind Henry, I’m sure the rest of the guests would like to hear their assignments. Former president Thomas Jefferson and former first lady Dolley Madison…and former president Franklin D. Roosevelt, I am afraid that you will be rooming alone for the first week.

(The hotel guests trapeze off to unpack in their rooms. CUT to Henry VIII and Susan B. Anthony’s room)

Henry VIII (seductively): So whence do you come from, good lady?

Carrie Nation: From God...I have been sent to destroy alcohol.

Henry VIII: That's nice.

(CUT to Elvis and Elizabeth I)

Elvis (singing to himself): Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.

Elizabeth I: Is that an original composition of yours?

Elvis: Yeah, I just barely came up with it…I’m the King of Rock and Roll and a total chick magnet. Wanna hear some more songs?

Elizabeth I: I suppose so…do you know “Greensleeves?”

Elvis: No.

(CUT to Thomas Jefferson and Dolley Madison’s room)

Jefferson: You know Dolley, I feel very fortunate that we were paired together. I’ve admired you since I went to you and James’ wedding.

Dolley Madison: Really? James always spoke very highly of you.

Jefferson: Oh look, only one bed for the two of us.

Dolley Madison: I’m sure James won’t mind.

(Hotel guests finish unpacking, and set out to explore the hotel. Elvis mixes martinis at the bar; FDR and Dolley Madison join him.)

Dolley Madison: What is this substance? I’ve never had it before.

Elvis: Martini. It’s wonderful…try some…

(CUT to three hours and thirty shots later…)

FDR: This is great! Why did I ever vote in favor of Prohibition?

Dolley Madison: I feel so…so tipsy…and dizzy…

Elvis: Here, let me help you…

(Elvis leads Dolley Madison off to a nearby bedroom. FDR continues to drink. CUT to Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth I checking out bathing suits in the female changing room.)

Elizabeth I: Swimming? Why should anyone wish to swim for pleasure?

Carrie Nation (holding up a men’s Speedo and muttering to herself): This is perfect to strangle salon owners with...

Elizabeth I (changing into a one-piece): Here goes nothing...

(CUT to Elvis and Dolley Madison, drunk and making passionate love in a bed)

Elvis: Mmhm…babe, you’re good…wanna put out? Oh wait…you already are…I’m one lucky hep cat.

Dolley Madison: A hep cat? Oh…it doesn’t matter Thomas, all it matters is that we’re finally together! James will never know!

(CUT to Thomas Jefferson teaching Elizabeth I how to swim in the pool, Carrie Nation is in the background, smashing up the bar.)

Jefferson: You kick your legs and keep afloat...be sure to stay in a place where you can touch the bottom of…wait…no! Henry! NO…!!

(Henry VIII cannon balls his three hundred-sixty pound body into the pool. Elizabeth I is swept into the deep end by the impact, Jefferson is sent into a wall, both become knocked out. CUT to Regis Philbin sitting in a library sort of room.)

Regis: This wraps the end of our first episode. Looks like things are already heating up between hotel guests. Will Elvis and Dolley hook up for good? Will Elizabeth learn to swim? Will Carrie Nation allow the repairman to put in a new bar? Tune in to see this, and also who is voted off on next week’s Paradise Hotel.