#¤#¤#¤# Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas #¤#¤#¤#
...:.:.:.:.:.:.By: Cimmy.:.:.:.:.:.:...

Disclaimer: As I stated in the beginning: Lex O’Leary and Jeff Delricci belong to NYgoldfish54; my beloved co-writer and friend Kristine.

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Chapter 7. Logical Departures
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Wow, I’m already packing so I can go ‘home’. I don’t really know where I belong, because I’m so confused and tired that I’m just accepting the conditions for what they are.

Marcus is leaning over me as I push my CD-player down in my bag. “You know, you don’t have to go. I heard Dad say that you can go to school here if you like.”

“I can’t stay.”

“And he’s not even home for long periods of time.”

“Let it go.”

“And you can play for the team in the city. They’ll take you back.”

“Leave me alone!”

“And your girlfriend could move back here, too. So you can be together.”

I don’t answer. Instead I take a deep breath and try to gather myself. “I’ll check in on you from time to time.”

“You got that line out of a movie,” Marcus points out.

“Not much else you can do around here,” I smile a little. Then I bite my lip. He’s sad. He’ll cry if I start snapping at him. “You know I’ll miss you terribly, Mac.”

“I just wish I could go with you,” he explains, without trying to hold back his tears. “It’s so difficult to be here without you. I miss you every day. And Alex will forget about you. And Sebastian won’t remember.”

“Give him some credit, he’s eight years old.” I put down my bag and go over to him. “And I won’t abandon you. You’ll have it much better here without me. I’d only fuck up your life.”

“Don’t swear.”

“You know what I mean. I love you; I’d never do anything to hurt you.” We stand there and stare at each other for a long time. How can I leave him, when I know what sort of hell he’s going through? He’ll eventually die too, just like I’ve done. I need to get back to my own reality, so I can come to life again.

“Oh, fuck it,” Marcus exclaims and nudges me with his foot. I wrap my arms around him, giving him a hug. He’s my brother. I love him more than anything. Almost more than I love Catalina. Loved Catalina. Something. I can’t believe that my parents’ arguing and mental abuse have actually made me question my love for her. It’s like they drained the love out of me, and now there’s none left for her.

Marcus lets go of me and runs off. He’s never been very good at emotions. Like I. I can’t express them the right way, I can’t handle them correctly. I’m starting to feel miserable again.

Will I ever be happy? Or am I fooling myself? Is this it? What will happen to Catalina and me?

Fuck, I don’t want to know.

But I shouldn’t swear. My brother told me not to.

I take my bags and walk out to the kitchen. My mother is feeding Alex, and he’s shouting for me. I go over and sit down next to him. I’m not very surprised when Mom hands me the spoon so I can feed him. I guess the nanny hasn’t come back from her vacation. That’s why I was brought in.

“So, call me sometimes,” I whisper to Alex. He waves with his hands. “I love you, baby brother. You know that? I love you so much.”

“Fred,” he coos. “Bye.”

“Bye, Alexander. See ya sometimes.”

Sometimes... I don’t even know when I’ll see him again. It could take years for my mother to let me back in. He’ll be all grown up by then. And he won’t remember a damn thing. A single tear leaks out of my eye. Alex tilts his head. “Bye Fred.”

“Bye.”

I have to leave, I can’t stay here, because the pain is excruciating. Sebastian is standing by the door, holding my jacket. “I guess you’re really leaving, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Will you ever come back?”

“Of course. I’ll always come back. Maybe it will just take a bit longer this time. But I’ll call you.”

Sebastian sighs. “I knew you’d come back one day. I told Marcus you would. So you better come back this time, too.”

“I promise. You know, you’re my brother. All of you are. I’ll always come back, and I’ll always help you out whenever you need me. I love you, and that’s what big brothers do.”

“Even me?”

“Sorry, kid. Even you,” I smile. He hands me my jacket and goes over to open the door for me.

“I know you’ll come back one day,” he says again. Why does he sound like I’m going to war? I went to war, I’m finally going home. But he’s too young to understand. Some day, I’ll come back and bring them all with me. In one way or another. They all need to get out of here. Just like I did.

“You bet I am. Bye, Sebastian.” I give him a hug, and he doesn’t break free like Marcus did. Finally, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want him to see me cry. So I release my arms around him.

“Bye, bro.”

Before I close the door, I gaze into the kitchen. “I’m leaving, Mom!”

“I know,” she answers without looking. “Try to be good, Fredrik. You know what we talked about. I don’t need you causing more trouble. Don’t forget about your studies.”

I don’t know why I wait for her to at least say goodbye. She never does. Just like when I arrived, there are no words of farewell of any kind. Not ‘take care’, ‘I’ll miss you’. Not even a fucking goodbye.

So I close the door and leave. My departure is slightly more painful than my arrival was. But now it’s over.

Sebastian and Alex are standing in the window, waving at me as I load my bags into the waiting taxi up front. When I look up, I see that even Marcus is watching me, from his own room. He doesn’t wave, but at least he’s there.

And then I take off. That wasn’t so bad, was it? I just lost my faith in humanity, my ability to love and several brain cells. Ah, good riddance. Who needs ‘em?

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Eden Hall has never seemed more welcoming. I’m finally back. I’m so glad to be here that I almost cry. I’m getting a bit too emotional. Bad habit, I’ll stop. I almost cried when I finished my peanuts at the airplane and they told me I couldn’t have anymore.

Another cab drives up to the curb, and I look at it intensely. Why? Because if I stare, my eyes won’t cry. Then I see who it is. It’s Lex. She sees me too, and jumps over to say hello. “Hi, Fred! Did you have a nice vacation?”

At least she cares. She’s the first person to show me some actual concern since I stopped talking to my girlfriend. Lex is a good friend. So why am I thinking about her all of a sudden? Just because she asked about my vacation? That’s ridiculous. Get a grip, Fred.

“It... Sure.”

Jeff is also there, so Lex drags me over so he can say hi. “What did you do?” I ask politely. I’m still not over my hangover. Well, I caused it three days ago, but the flight really didn’t make it all that better.

Lex and Jeff speak in unison, and I smile without listening. Then Lex asks me something, but I hadn’t really paid attention. “Excuse me?”

“I asked if you hurt yourself. You have a bruise.”

“Yeah, I fell.”

“Sounds dramatic,” Lex frowns. “Into what?”

I decide to lie a little. “I can’t really remember; I was a bit drunk at the time.” That was almost the truth. I had been drunk, and I had been falling, but the bruise wasn’t caused by that.

“Oh, well then it’s not so strange,” Jeff laughs. “I thought Catalina was with you?”

“She stayed with Adam.”

They exchange a look with each other. I know that look. Catalina and I exchange looks too, when no one else understands. But I do understand. At least to a certain point.

They leave for their dorms, and I walk towards my own room. I dump my bags at the floor and lie down on my bed. Peace and quiet. Thank God for peace and quiet.

“Fred?”

So much for silence. But wait... I sit up and look around. “Yeah?”

“There you are.”

Catalina is standing by the door, smiling. I push myself up from the bed and hurry over to her. She slips her arms around my neck and gives me a passionate kiss. My emotions finally run over. I accidentally sob, and she tilts her head to the side. When she sees my faded bruises, she gasps. I let her trace her fingers across my face, examining every inch to see if she can find more cuts.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s no big deal.”

“Let’s get out of here,” she suggests. I know we’ll end up here anyway, eventually. But for now, I’m just happy to be back. To be ‘home’.

Home is where the heart wasn’t.

Now when I don’t have a heart, I mean. I just have to start melting in more. So my dad will be content with my achievements. And so that my mom will let me back in again. Eventually.

As I said, Catalina and I don’t get very far. We end up in her room, watching some movie. She’s lying next to me, with her head resting against my chest. How can I doubt my love for her? What have my parents done to me?

“Did I tell you how much I missed you while you were gone?” she asks.

“Yeah, but please tell me again,” I smile, hugging her firmer in my arms.

“I missed you.” She leans closer, kissing me. This helps some. I wonder if I can ever forgive myself for doubting her like I do right now? “You’re my boyfriend. How can I not miss you?”

She crawls closer, pressing against me. Then she yawns. A minute later, she’s asleep. I try to sleep too, but I can’t.

It’s time to become all that I’m not. And I don’t know why the closeness means so much to me. Because I can’t get rid of that feeling of being inadequate. That I’m not enough. Catalina will leave me one day. I just have to brace myself for when that happens. Or the worst scenario ever could happen; I break up with her.

Because I don’t have any love left. Just my feelings for her. I love her, but it doesn’t seem to be enough this time.

Once again, my parents have ruined me. It took them three weeks to destroy something I’ve been trying to create for two years. It took them three weeks to make me question my one and a half year long, steady relationship with Catalina.

I won’t be anything without her. If I break up with her now, I won’t have a girlfriend. That would make it harder to melt into the crowd. To be just anybody. So I’ll stay with her. We’ll do all the things you’re supposed to do when you’re a couple.

It takes years to build up a decent existence, but only three weeks to ruin one great life. So I’ll use that tactic when I try to be whoever I’m not. I don’t need to build myself a life, when lots of people already have lives I can copy. They are normal. I can be too.

I’m going to be just like everyone else. That’s my decision. Do what everyone else does. It makes sense.

It suddenly hits me. I have nowhere to go. I’m not welcome in my own home; my mother wants nothing to do with me. My father despises me. I have no love for my girlfriend left. My friends pity me. My brothers think I’ve betrayed them. This is what the last couple of weeks have made me realize. I’m nothing else but a failure.

I start to cry again. Silently, into Catalina’s neck. She doesn’t move.

All the people around me are disappointed at me. So how can I not break apart?

My brother is ending up in the same dark pit as I’m in. I wonder if he became me as a result of these last three weeks, or if this has been going on for a long, long time? During these last weeks he just ended up being me. I even saw him change from the person who is Marcus to a completely different character. Well, I noticed that he wasn’t the same after we talked my first day at home, but I never even imagined...

Marcus became just like me. I’m becoming my father. Catalina and I might become just like my parents. I have to avoid that to every cost.

I’ll just live my new, improved life, to see if things turn out for the better. If they don’t, I might as well just give up. Everything.

What’s a home without a family? What’s a family without a home? What are friends without honesty? What’s honesty without friends? What’s life without the feeling of love? What’s love without the feeling of life?

What is Catalina without me? What am I without Catalina?

Logic.

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Cimmy's Notes:

So, Fred finally became a character with some depth. I remember complaining about it while writing Surrendering last year, about how I hadn’t really figured him out well enough to write from his point of view. And now here he is; figured out and everything.

It took me one year to bring him to this very moment of realization. I’ve written close to 200 chapters, along with about 30 stories, where Fred has featured in most of them, and it’s exactly a year since I started.

Fred has followed me through this year, making me a better writer. He’s been a beloved character of mine since 1998, and now he has gotten himself a personality and a real life with a background story. Fred has finally found his niche in life, so he can ‘settle down’. Because of him, Bailey was created, and because of him, Catalina went from a perfect Mary Sue to a crazy Mary Sue. Okay, some things haven’t changed...

This story belongs to Fred, and it’s a thank you for all the good things that he has brought along during his creation.

Huge thanks to Kristine (again), for putting up with me through every crazy thing I come up with. Without you, Fred would probably not be where he is today. Now I shall stop referring to him as a real person, or else I’m forced to proclaim myself as insane.

If you want to know how this story continues, read It’s Summer In My Heart, co-authored with Kristine under the name NYgoldfish54 at While you’re at it, check out some of her other work too, which features Lex and Jeff in their natural habitat.

For more doses of Fred, read For What It’s Worth, another story I’ve written about him.

This is the 2nd story I’ve ever managed to finish, and God, how great it is to be able to write Complete in front of it!

...and with that, I’m officially done with this story...