Author's Notes: No part of this guide is to be taken seriously. This is, after all, only some random dribble from the far reaches of my mind; I would be very distressed to hear that any of this information (which is intended to be purely humorous) is being taken with any kind of seriousness, or being used to abuse people: It is purely fictional, and not meant for such purposes. That said, enjoy the oncoming insanity!

Death Threats 101

Have you ever wondered, "How do I get rid of that stupid person reading over my shoulder?" or, "How can I lose that guy listening in on my conversation?" Well, eavesdroppers beware! You have now stumbled across the ultimate guide to frighten, intimidate or embarrass them into never peeking over your shoulder again! Welcome to Death Threats 101, the five-step, easy to read manual on just how to scare the people you hate.

1. Death Threats

The most basic way of insuring your privacy is the standard, one to two paragraph death threat: When the wandering eyes settle on your paper, flip the page and start scribbling a good, on-the-fly one, addressed pointedly to the person(s) reading over your shoulder. Practice makes perfect when it comes to death threats; make sure to write at least one a week to keep your mind in shape. Stashing a few in your binder won't hurt, either; when the eyes start drifting, whip one out and pretend to make adjustments to it. The same thing applies to verbal eavesdropping; if you see those eyes flickering toward you as you talk with your friend, casually ask your pal if they'd like to hear the latest death threat, directed to none other than your eavesdropper. Easily done, and perfectly effective.

2. Titles and Subjects: Things That Induce Shock

A good title for your death threat can make all the difference; it draws the eye, and really lets the person know exactly how you've gone about wanting to kill them. Good titles involve the person's name, ways to kill them, and on occasion your relationship (arch rival, classmate, teammate, former friend, etc.). Some good titles include:

To Be or Not to Be: 100 Ways to Kill Josh
Forks and Knives: The Ultimate Guide to Killing Classmates With Household Objects
Spit Wads of Doom: The Handy Handbook for Poisonous Spitballs and Razor-Filled Airplanes
And, "Ten Reasons Why I Hate Eileen and Ten Ways to Kill Her!"
(note: The names Josh and Eileen are just examples, and probably won't work for your purposes - replace them at will)

These titles are sure to inspire the terror (or at least disdain) needed to have them never peeking at your private thoughts again! People who laugh at your titles are most often kindred spirits, and should be befriended.

While a good title is often all that's required, sometimes a more resilient person pokes their head over your shoulder, which most often means that your threat needs to continue further. The following is a list of ten handy options when choosing your method of killing your subject:

1. A pencil in the back of the head during class (this threat is most terrifying if you already sit behind the target)
2. Hot shrimp forks through the eyes
3. Your standard slow and painful torture
4. Setting rabid dogs/wolverines/fruit bats on them
5. Stalking and then killing them with a dull knife (or a herring)
6. Strangling them with a sock in the dressing room
7. Bludgeoning them in the head with a paper weight
8. Spiking the punch with something other than alcohol
9. Feeding them to your large and carnivorous plant
10. All of the above

These threats are sure to induce at least the smallest amount of shock and fear. Once again, those who laugh should be befriended.

3. Just Leave

You could always skip the threats and simply move, but where, we say, is the fun in that? What better excuse to write death threats randomly? However, for all of you out there not comfortable with going so far as to actually put into words wanting to kill someone (as we're sure you've wanted to), this is probably the best step to follow. Maybe in the future you can grasp the fine art of truly terrifying threats.

4. E-mail

If your target leaves before you get the chance to finish your work properly, and you feel that they truly need the fright of a real death threat, ask around for their e-mail address; if you really want to remain unknown, open an e-mail account specifically for threats. Finally, send along a very lengthy and gruesome piece for them; this is sure to frighten your eavesdropper out of their wits. In this practice, anonymous signatures such as, "This is Satan," or, "I know where you live; there is no hiding," are well advised. A list of such signatures is also a good idea; keep it hidden in your binder, or stuffed beneath your pillow for easy access when the muse strikes. As an example, we will provide four different and useful names for devils, just for your viewing pleasure:

1. Satan (standard, but still terrifying)
2. Beelzebub (our personal favorite)
3. Lucifer
4. Diablo (be careful with this one - those who play the game won't be as frightened as those who don't)

See how easy that is? Go ahead and try any of the above - if your eavesdropper doesn't appear the next day looking severely shaken, we will be very surprised.

5. Phone Messages

If their e-mail address is unavailable, you can also try their phone number; cell phone numbers are the best. When calling whatever number you have, make sure to hang up if you get a live body; continue calling until you get an answering machine. This is the perfect opportunity to leave a long and in-depth message of exactly how you plan on killing them; you may either refer to one of your previously written threats, or you can improvise on the spot. A good demonic voice is useful when leaving these messages, and opening lines such as, "This is Hell calling; your time has come," are a good idea. Make sure to have a good evil laugh at the ready, as this is a verbal threat; a goose-bump inducing cackle is essential.

If followed faithfully, these steps should insure your privacy from now on! Tact should be kept in mind when practicing these steps, as you don't want to end up stuffed in a locker. However, when used properly, this guide should come in handy. All too often you find you just can't stand a person any longer, and when that time comes, feel free to refer to these easy to use, easy to follow steps. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for reading Death Threats 101!

- Tenika Dargan

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I'd like to thank Jareth Valentine and Hershey249 for their encouraging comments - I really appreciate it; hugs to both of you.