The Science Fiction Thingy With No Other Title Than This.

By: The Irish Guy

On board a certain space craft in some universe in between two galaxies that are far away from three other galaxies in some other universe even though it is scientifically impossible to have more than one universe…

"So, uh, is that thing dead?" asked a member of the crew pointing to a creature that had a white substance pouring out of its mouth.

"I don't think so, it is on it's feet staring at us."

"Good point, so uh…should we, uh, you know…shoot it?"

"Why would we do that?"

"Well, it's potentially dangerous, plus we have guns."

"True…but I still say no."

"Why?"

"Well, because characters in a science-fiction story tend to die, they're too stupid to shoot the thing that's trying to kill them."

"Granted, but we're not stupid, we thought of killing them."

"Yes, but the author tends to not let us live."

"We should go on strike and shoot it."

"You think so?"

"Yes, I do."

"Ok, let's kill it." At this point of random time, while the two crewmembers reach for their holsters to do what the westerners do and draw, a swarm of doom-monkeys swoops down from the ceiling and rips out their lungs.

***

On the bridge of the ship…

"Where are those two? They were supposed to bring Chinese!" yelled the captain of the ship.

"Sir, where are they going to get Chinese? We're in space…there are no Chinese in space…remember our segregation law?" said the first mate.

"Oh yeah…no Asians, South Americans, Canadians, Australians, Europeans, Africans, and Antarcticans allowed in space."

"Antarticans sir?"

"The penguins."

"Oh, right …"

"Well, if they weren't going to get Chinese, then what were they supposed to do?"

"Do we know there's a creature on board yet?"

"No sir, not yet…I think we find out right….now." at that moment, an ensign comes into the room, panting from the many circles she ran outside the bridge waiting for the First Mate's signal.

"Sir, there's a creature on this ship!"

"Why am I hearing of this just now?!" yelled the Captain. "Get the, uh, you know…people who play beach volleyball…lazy, kind of sluggish…tend to eat lunch at a coffee place…I think it's called Rio's…"

"Security team sir?"

"Yes! That's it! Get them!"

***

The place on the ship where the two people died…

"So, uh, this is where they died…they look rather clean for dead people." remarked the head of security.

"Yeah, I wonder what did this to them." said the second out of four security officers.

"Maybe it was a unicorn." said the third security officer.

"A what?" questioned the first one.

"A unicorn, you know, a small horse looking creature with a horn on its head."

"Oh, a unicorn, no, I don’t think it was one of those."

"Hey, maybe it was that thing." said the fourth officer, pointing to a snarling creature trying to rip off the ventilation ducts.

"Well, why not? I mean, a unicorn could do that easily." argued the third officer, ignoring the fourth.

"Yes, well, that may be, but how's a unicorn going to get on board?"

"Well, how would a creature get on board?" countered the first officer.

"Good point, but still, I think that…hey, where's the thing that did this anyway?"

"It's behind you!" yelled the fourth officer while jumping up and down pointing towards the beast.

"I don't know…but we had better find out fast."

"Yes."

"Hey, could that be it?" asked the third officer pointing to the beast, now escaping through the vents.

"Oh…shit."

"Well, let's go…I'll buy you two coffee." said the leading officer.

"Wait," said the fourth officer with a hint of melancholy in his voice. "what about me…"

***

In the closed quarters of some guy…

"Ok, so we're supposed to stand right here," said the man to a woman. "wait kind of unsuspecting and then WHAM, the beast kills us."

"But, shouldn't we be suspecting? I mean, I don’t want to die."

"Of course not, but the only reason we're in this story is because we are supposed to die."

"Well, I'm not, are you coming with me?"

"Well…sure, why not." As the two people start to walk away, they spontaneously combust.

***

Back on the bridge…

"What do you mean you didn’t find it?!" yelled the captain at the three security men. "I thought you three were the best of the best!"

"Uh, actually, sir, I'm part of the team too." remarked the fourth officer.

"What's worse, two more people died! Let it be on the three of your heads."

The fourth officer sighed at this. "*sigh*"

***

Somewhere on the ship…

"I don't get it, why does everyone ignore me?" questioned the fourth guard.

"So we better find this thing."

"Yeah, we could get scolded at a lot if we don't."

"Maybe if I did something drastic…"

"Plus people will die if we don’t catch it."

"If only we had another member on the team."

"I could kill myself…"

"Yeah, a fourth member would be great."

"Seriously."

"Yeah, I should do that…"

"Let's go find the beast!"

"Yeah!"

"Good idea!"

"Hey, you guys, I'm going to kill myself now…"

"Let's go get that damned thing!"

"I have the gun right in my mouth…"

"Come on! Hurry up you two!"

"Good-bye…" at that moment, the officer pulls the trigger and nothing happens. "Son-of-a-mother-fucking-bitch!"

"Hey, did you guys hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Nothing; must be my imagination."

***

Bottom of the ship, A.K.A. the creatures lounge…

"Do you think we should be down here?" asked a crew member.

"Why shouldn’t we be?" answered another crew member with another question.

"Well, the sign outside said 'creatures lounge.'"

"So?"

"So, don't you think there might be a creature down here?"

"Don't you think security would have checked this place out first?"

"I guess…"

“So we have nothing to worry about sort of.”

“What do you mean ‘sort of’?”

“Well, we are to characters in a sc-fi story”

 “So?”

“Well, think about it, we’re two characters acting very nonchalant in a sub-basement and there’s a creature loose in the vicinity. I think we’re a perfect target.”

“I thought you said we’d be safe!”

“I lied to get you down here then tell this to you and pray you’re one of those girls who get off on danger.”

“Well, I’m not so you can…eeeek!” at the sound of her scream the man looks and sees the beast that lurks the ship.

“Jesus Christ!”

“What are we going to do?” shrieked the woman.

“I know, we could fight it! No one in the movies ever tries that before, but we can do it. It doesn’t look very big or strong or gnarly or anything like that.”

“You’re right…Ok, lets get it!” and at this stroke of defiance, a giant tuna falls off the roof and crushes them both…then the creature eats the tuna and walks away.

***

“Two more dead, how could you let this happen?” yelled the captain of the ship while the fourth security guard runs headlong into a wall and rendering himself unconscious. “What the hell was that thud?”

“I don’t know sir, it might have been the creature.”

“Then go! Get it now! Hey, how’d that dent get there?”

“What dent sir?”

“The dent in the wall there.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I never noticed it before.”

“Neither have I…hey, what’s that?” yelled the Captain while pointing to a creature looking thing.

“I think it’s a creature sir.”

“Wow, well, kill it.”

“It appears dead sir.”

“It’s standing up.”

“Well, yeah, but look how its drooling.”

“Given, but it’s obviously breathing.”

“Oh, well, I guess…”

“Well, kill it!”

“Well sir, you realize that by trying to kill it we’re going to die and then some wily and unsuspecting character is going to kill it…sort of like John Wayne.”

“You take that back! John Wayne is never unsuspected!”

“What ever sir.”

“Just kill it.”

“Ok sir.” at that point, the three guards rush the creature. The creature snorts and starts to walk away. As the guards run at it, a swarm of locusts eats their flesh off and then vanishes.

***

Somewhere in back in the creatures lounge…

“Why doesn’t anyone talk to me?” questioned the fourth officer. “I’m so lonely…” at that moment, the creature appears right next to the officer. “Bwa! The creature…” the creature didn’t attack him though, instead the creature lied down next to him. “Wait, I thought you killed people.”

“I don’t,” started the creature. “I’ve never killed anything. People just die…I don’t know why. But I am glad, I mean, they try and kill me.”

“Wait, you talk?”

“Obviously.”

“Wow, I guess you’re just kind of misunderstood.”

“Not really, I mean, I would have killed them, but they always die first…it’s kind of a drag.”

“Wait, so, are you going to kill me?”

“Yeah, why not.” the creature was about to take a chomp off the officer’s head when suddenly…

“What happened?”

“I stopped trying to kill you.”

“Oh…thanks, I guess.”

“No problem.”

“So, you just sort of stopped thinking about killing me?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what would happen if you were to think about killing everything in the universe?”

“I don’t know…should I try?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok…I’m gonna kill everything in the universe.” when suddenly, I wrote the end in fancy letters.

The End.