The mad props for this suggestion go to: Infinit1

After yet another long absence, I am back. I do seem to enjoy those long absences don’t I. My excuse is better this time. My computer broke. So far I’ve used the house burnt down tactic, that lazy tactic, and the infamous anorexic/bulimic tactic. And now here we find me going onto this. The broken computer one.

So, one to today’s complaint. Kool-aid. For years now, people have been tortured with a sudden burst of kool-aid commercials every summer, and the problem is, these commercials just never made any damn sense. Now, we all know the fact that Big Man (That’s the giant talking pitcher of kool-aid for the lesser informed. He’d be much more useful as a football mascot in my opinion.) is just hella weird. I mean, how the hell does he talk? And here’s another good question! Much as I mentioned with Ronald McDonald, is it not just slightly odd that grown ups are never present at the same time Big Man is? I mean, how many pedophiles-in-secret must I endure as I flip from commercial to commercial? These are clear attempts at subliminal messages, people! Also, why is he always treating every new brand of kool-aid like it’s some miraculous “invention” with the power to aid many?

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Big Man: OH YEAH, BITCH! Try my new O-o-o-orange kool-aid!

Kid: Wow, what’s it due!

Big Man: It changes color if you urinate in it, but that’s only if you are dehydrated when you do that. OH YEAH, BITCH!

Kid: So it doesn’t cure cancer?

BM: OH NO, BITCH!

Kid: I see…

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I’m not done there, oh no. Here’s my biggest complaint of all.

What the hell is up with the god damn parties?! I mean, does every single event have to end in a-

Ah, screw it. It’s parody time.

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(The scene opens at a graveyard, several people gathered around a coffin mourning, 2 of which are children. There is a hill behind them, and it is raining. Grass is abound. Everyone is wearing black.)

Kid: Mommy………. Why did you have to die?

Dad: I’m sorry, Billy. It was just her time. It’s okay, son. The goddess will know what to do.

Kid: Uh, right……… Thanks?

Dad: People don’t appreciate diversity in religion.

Kid B: Excuse me? Can we please return to mourning? Mom is dad, idiots.

Dad: Oh, right, whoops! What were you saying, Billy?

Kid A: Mommy… Why did you have to die?

Dad: It’s okay, son. She’s in a better place.

KB: Better.

Kid A: (Tearing up) But- but- I don’t want her to be in a better place. I wanna be a greedy asshole and make her stay on this lousy rock.

D: (Backhands KA. KA bursts in tears.) Aw, I’m - I’m sorry, Billy. It’s just that you reminded me so much of your mother when you said that, so the urge to beat you returned. I’m sorry.

KA: I MISS MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!

(Big Man busts through coffin, tearing it to pieces as he comes from the inside. A pale corpse flies out, and goes off camera. Everyone except for Big Man is astonished and terrified.)

Big Man: OH YEAH, BITCH!

(All stare at Big Man.)

D: You just tore about my wife’s coffin in the middle of her funeral! You’re gonna pay for part of that, bud!

BM: (Pulls out a revolver and shoots Dad 3 times in the head, then lassos the 2 kids so they cannot escape. Everyone else runs away in terror. As soon as they are gone, the backdrop changes to a techno dance floor. The changing backdrop shoves the corpse of Dad off screen.)

(Kids start dancing. Big Man puts away the revolver.)

Big Man: OH YEAH, BITCH!

Kid A: Thanks Big Man, that scene was a real bore!

Big Man: TRY SOME OF MY NEW “Child Molestation Brand Kool-Aid!” GUARANTEED TO PUT KIDS LIKE YOU TO SLEEP FOR PETOPHILES LIKE ME………. AND MY SISTER SHEQUANDA!

Kid B: (Takes a big drink.) Yum! (goes unconscious.)

Big Man: (Drags him off camera) OH YEAH, BITCH!

Kid A: Um… bye. (exits)

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Well, there you have it.

If you didn’t like it, too bad.

Good Night.