Author's Note: We all know the ancient Greeks treated their gods with respect. Fortunately, since we also know they don't exist, we can mock them all we like. Ha ha h-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S THE KRAKEN!!!!!!! Right then, sorry for bringing vengeance crashing down upon the kingdom. Ah well, enjoy my twisted little satire.

THE TALE COMMENCES.

Sing in me, Muse, and tell the story! Feel free to perform interpretive dance numbers at appropriate intervals.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Well, technically, there was Gaia, Goddess of the Earth, but she hooked up with Uranus, Lord of the Sky, and they engaged in several things that frankly are unsuitable for a family story, so we shall skip on to the time when there was nothing.

The world was young and green then. Lush hills rolled on into the hazy horizon, brooks leapt and babbled over the pristine ways, undisturbed by tread of mortal foot or hoof. Below the lazy sky, no beast save enchanting nymphs stirred in the meadow or ran on the leas, and all was at peace.

Zeus, King of the Gods (his attainment of power is a very boring tale, involving incest, cannibalism, murder most foul and other soporific details, so we'll skip that, too), sat on his mighty throne upon Mount Olympus and pondered the beautiful scene below.

"Hera, do you think this would be a good spot for a timeshare? Maybe a couple of condominiums?," he asked, his mighty voice rolling like something very big rolling over the countryside.

Hera looked. Personally, she suspected her husband's sudden interest in the landscape had something to do with the nude dryads cavorting merrily through the primeval forest. She wished he would shut up and stop bothering her; she was currently busy filling out contact lens order forms for Argus of the Hundred Eyes. It was a very difficult job, as each of the hundred had a different prescription.

"Yes, dear," she murmured.

Zeus scratched his white beard thoughtfully. "I don't know, but an amusement park might make a good investment. We could call it 'Twelve Gods Over Greece' or something similar."

"And," he continued excitedly, "If it's a success, we can expand to Asia Minor! I envision it now: 'Experience the absolutely petrifying Gorgon's Gargle, the tallest stone roller coaster in the known world! And for the kiddies, the charming Trojan Horsie-go-Round!' It will be titanic! Truly mammoth in scope! This could put us in nectar and ambrosia for the rest of immortality!" He was getting very worked up. Several bolts of lightening shot from his hair and ignited Aphrodite's collection of back issues of Ten Thousand Seventeen.

(This was to have severe repercussions later on, as it indirectly incited several wars, thirteen failed royal marriages, and a mysterious plague of asparagus falling from an otherwise clear sky over the southern reaches of Ionia, but we must return to our narrative.)

The King of the Gods leapt from his throne and roared "Let's get started on the grand plan!"

Athena, who had been reading an epic in an alcove near her father's throne, perked up at this. Here was her big moment. She was extremely tired of doing nothing but lounging about the palace all day. Aha, she thought, now Daddy will have to admit it. He wouldn't let me be the Goddess of Slightly Pointless Notions, noooo, or the Goddess of Those Little Pieces of Lint That Get Trapped Behind the Dryer and Wreak Electrical Havoc, but he's got to let me be the Goddess of Wisdom.

She assumed a worried expression. The very picture of innocence, she opened her grey eyes wide and strode over to where Zeus was frantically scribbling blueprints on a spare marble slab.

"Pardon, my lord," she said, "but there's one problem with your otherwise brilliant scheme."

Zeus looked up, a sneer upon his powerful features. "Oh, really?" he inquired sarcastically. "Speaking as the omnipotent lord of the gods and all mortal dominions, I don't see any."

Athena made an apologetic curtsy, which she hoped masked her inward glee.

"Well, to support any business venture, you need customers, right?"

"Right."

The grey-eyed goddess smiled. "There aren't any. There are no mortal beings in the world yet. I should say that puts rather a damper on our plans."

Zeus slammed down his stylus heatedly.

"Me damn it!," he shouted.

To be continued..