Valley Dweller

One day, while going to a borders book shop, Matt was also giving his friend Ryan a ride home from school because it was on the way. The following events are not BASED on a true story, it IS a true story. The names of the people (John, Matt, and Ryan) involved have not been changed to protect the innocent; my view is ‘screw the innocent.’ The only thing you have to know is Matt is horribly optimistic…

“I hate the Valley.” stated Matt as he searched for a parking spot for his VW bus in the NorthridgeFashionCenter.

“It’s not that bad,” said Ryan, his side seat driver. “once you get used to it I mean.”

“I don’t want to get used to it, I want to get out of here A.S.A.P.! Oh look, a parking spot.”

“Hurrah!” yelled John from the back of the bus.

“Ok, I’ll just make a sharp left turn into the space and…”

*Screeee*

“Oops, let me just get my rear-view mirror off that truck.”

“Maybe you should back up and try again.”

“Good idea side-seat driver Ryan! John, how much space do I have to back up?”
“About one foot.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“No, I’m really not.”

“Alright, just tell me when I’m going to hit the car ok?”

“Fine……now.”

“Thank you. Now, to pull forward…”

*Skiiiirsh*

“Brake, ok, now to put it in reverse and back up a little, John, tell me when there’s no more room…”

*Screeeeeee*

“Uh, dude,” started Ryan. “maybe you should actually put it in reverse before you give it gas.”

“I knew that…stupid valley. I really hate this…”

“No more space…”

*CRASH*

“StupidValley!” yelled Matt in a rage of good karma. “Fuck it!” he said as he shifted the bus into first gear and drove gracefully and luckily into the space.

“Talk about luck.”

***

After buying a Vampire book (it’s something closely related to D&D) at borders, our three…‘heroes’ get back on Matt’s VW bus.

“I don’t think getting this book was worth coming to this…Valley.”

“It’s not just the book though, you’re also giving me a ride home.” reminded Ryan.

“…”

“…”

“What?”

“Still not worth.”

“Whatever…”

“John, how much room do I have to back up?”

“You’re getting to be repetitive…three feet.”

“Great, I’ll jus…”

“Wait!” yelled Ryan. “Are you sure the bus is in reverse?”

“Yes.” said Matt as he glared at Ryan and bared his teeth.

“Um…Matt?”

“Yeah John?”

“You are now completely straight; you actually curved slightly so there is only like…a millimeter in-between you and the other cars. Oh yeah, and there are two cars waiting on you.”

“Yeah, one on both sides.”

“Quiet you.” said Matt as he struggled with his bus.

***

30 minutes later, but now at the exit of the lot…

“NOOOO!”

“What?!” came the startled cry from Matt.

“You were supposed to turn left on Tampa!”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“Whatever.”

“Whoa! The Camarilla!” yelled John from the back of the bus.

“What’s he talking about Matt?”

“Oh, he’s reading that vampire book.”

“Oh…take a left here.”

“Ok.”

::silence::

“Take a right here.”

“Ok.”

“Shit, doesn’t go through, just take a left.”

“Ok, well, I have a stop sign and I can’t make a turn fast enough to beat those people. I’m not an idiot like the people here.”

“Shut-up…here, turn on this one.”

“Ok.”

“Why are we rolling into the intersection? Give it some gas.”

“I’m trying…”

“Hurry up, that car isn’t slowing down.”

“I’m trying, I’m trying.”

“Shift dude. C’mon, shift…shift, SHIIIIIIFT!!!”

“Shut-up damn-it, shut-up shut-up shut-up shut-up…”

*Vroom*

*BEEEEP*
”SHIT!”

“Holy shit…”said Matt relieved as he cleared the intersection, barley missing the car.

“This whole vampire thing is really weird.”

“…”

“…”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’?” yelled Matt while glaring at John. “We nearly got killed!”

“Oh…really?”

“Yes!” yelled Matt and Ryan in unison.

***

“Ok Matt, this is the most accident prone place ever; Balboa and Lassen.”

“You’re making me kind of nervous Ryan.”

“Don’t worry you’re worry you’re only at a real risk if you’re turning left, but you’re just going straight.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Green-light, let’s go.”

“Ok…”

*sputter*

“Huh?”

“Uh, Matt, go forward.”

“Car’s stalled.”

*kachunk*

“C’mon, work!”

“Hurry up man, we’re rolling backwards. We’re on a slope remember?”

*kachunk-kachunk…vroooom*

“Hurray!”

“God, two tragedies avoided in one day.”

“Yeah…”

“Remarkable…”

“It is huh?”

“Yeah, these Malkavian fellows are totally bat-shit.”

“John.”

“Yes?”

“Go to hell.”

***

“Thanks for the ride home Matt.”

“Problem.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not going to say ‘no problem’ because it was a problem. We almost got killed twice today.”

“Yeah…thanks anyway.”

“Whatever.” said Matt as he drove away.

“Hmmm…where are my keys? Oh shit.” Said Ryan as he realized he would be locked out until 9:00pm (it was about 7:30).

End