A word of warning. Yes, this does imply some het…gasps joke, I mean it does but the warning is for Male/Male relationships because I don’t want anybody telling me I gave no warning.  So…WARNING. There.

Moment Of Perfection.

The hall looks amazing. But I guess I should have expected this from the beginning, after all, the girls in this school are a little over enthusiastic when it comes to dances. Especially when it comes to romantic, Christmas dances.

There are so many people here tonight. I don’t even think I know half of them, but then again, that’s no surprise either. It hasn’t exactly been my life’s achievement to get to know everyone, quite the opposite really. My entire world has thus far, been based solely around my few friends, and you.

I think I’ve been relatively happy with this situation…I’m pretty sure I have. Maybe there’s been the occasional outburst where things took a turn for the worst, but that hasn’t happened often and nothing too serious happened.

But tonight, tonight is the first time I’ve felt like this. Sat, in the corner of the hall, surrounded by my friends, I feel alone. I’m alone in a crowded room and it’s all because of you. Do you understand how you make me feel? Do you do it on purpose? No, you wouldn’t do that, not intentionally; it goes against your perfect, flawless character to do that…

But you are. You’re hurting me and yet you’re nowhere near me. In fact, at this very moment, you’re in the opposite corner, approaching a girl in order to ask her to dance. You, in your black tux, your usually black messy hair, gelled…you’ve made an effort for tonight…and God does it hurt.

I understand that you can’t ask me to dance, that you have to keep up this façade so neither of us gets hurt, but don’t you realise, I’m being hurt anyway. I’d rather spend tonight, dancing in your arms and a million tomorrows having insults and abuse hurled at me, just so I don’t have to feel like…like this. God, it’s almost Christmas, the season of good will and happiness and I wish I were anywhere but here, anyone but me…

It’s funny, I don’t recall the day you became my addiction, my world…I just remember falling and falling hard. Funny really isn’t it, because I only ever spoke to you in two classes, but those two classes were enough I guess. Seems the same happened to you though…so it’s okay…

You’ve asked her to dance now. You haven’t once made an effort to see where I am tonight. You could have at least said ‘hello’.  And now you’re dancing with her, more or less, right in front of me. But, there’s only three people in this room that understand just how that would affect me, so I can’t even make a scene, or move…the only comfort I get tonight, is a hand on mine, dark brown eyes looking up at me apologetically and a sweet voice, asking me to dance.

She understands you see. She knows just how much it’s hurting me to be in this very room, near you, but nowhere near enough, as I’d like to be…

I’ve never liked to dance, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I can’t dance, it’s just…I’ve never felt the need to. But seeing you there, with her in your arms, is enough to make me want to dance the night away in my Saviours arms.

As we make a move to stand up, you look up from where you’re dancing and for the first time tonight, our eyes connect, but only briefly. It’s coming to the end of this song, and it’s pretty obvious to me what she wants. You look away from me and look directly into her eyes.

I don’t stay around to watch what has been my world thus far crumble around me. If I had seen you kiss her, like I knew you were going to, then everything I’ve believed so far about you has been wrong. You’re not hiding our relationship to keep me safe; you’re doing it to keep you safe.

It’s another slow song now. I’m just glad I no longer have to watch you dance. Maybe dancing tonight is the only thing that’s keeping me sane, because while I’m in my best friends arms, I can pretend everything is okay. I can pretend these are your arms, I can pretend you’re not directing that warm smile at her and I can pretend that I meant more to you than what I obviously did.

I knew coming tonight was a bad idea. I knew that you wouldn’t acknowledge me, and I guess, I even knew you’d end up kissing the girls you asked to dance. After all, image is everything to you.

It’s amazing isn’t it, the things you suddenly realise when faced with the obvious truth. And it’s pretty much obvious to me that tonight, definitely is the end of you and I. If there really was a you and I, instead of just a you for me…

As the song ends, and I walk back to my table filled with my friends, my best friend at my side, I realise that maybe, just maybe I’m not as reliant on you as I thought. But then, I see you smiling at her and I feel my heart stop and the agonising truth sets in. You are far more to me, than a mere addiction…

And then you look away from her and see me and for the second time tonight our eyes meet, but this time, I’m the one to look away, because if I don’t, I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself and I don’t want you to see just how much you affect me, how much you hurt me…

And instead of returning to my table, I turn around and head to the door. I don’t bother with goodbyes, because too many questions would be asked and I don’t think I have the answers they’re looking for.

 I can hear someone’s footsteps walking after me. I don’t even have to turn around to know who it is.

“Don’t. Just stay here, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Stay and have fun okay…and Em, I’m sorry.”

But the truth is, I’m not okay, I won’t be okay and I realise, I don’t want to be okay. It’s my fault I’m feeling this way, it’s my fault I fell in love with another guy, it’s my fault I’m gay and it’s my fault I didn’t break it off before it got this far.

It’s my fault he’s more than an addiction.

God, I forgot just how cold December could be. And I guess, tonight, I’m cold for more than one reason. But, I have to say; that it is a beautiful night, ironic really isn’t it. The sky is flawless and the stars are shining brighter than ever. The only thing wrong with tonight is the empty feeling I have inside.

I can still hear the music from out here, the chattering of happy couples and friends, it makes me feel sick. Why can’t I be happy like they are? All of a sudden, being alone, at home doesn’t sound so appealing. I remember the last time I felt like this…I almost lost any chance I had of getting over that feeling. I don’t think I can go through all of that again…

Luckily there’s a bench. This is the one usually occupied during the summer lunches with the ‘popular’ kids. Ironic I’m sitting here, sitting where he’d sit. Maybe, I’m just torturing myself. I tend to do that a lot.

I look at my reflection, well of what I can see of my reflection in a window. My multi-coloured hair is spiked as usual, but I’m wearing a tux and I’ve only got my lip ring in. It’s no wonder he’d be ashamed to be seen with me, tonight or any night. I’m a mess. Compared to his flawless beauty, I’m nothing…always will be nothing…

And now the comparison is complete, because he’s standing next to me, our reflections side by side and as much as I want to hate him, I realise that hating him would mean hating a big part of my life, a part that I’m not sure I can live without.

And now his hand has been placed hesitantly on my shoulder and he’s turned to face me. This is it. This is the moment that will break me; this is the moment he tells me it’s over. That this was all a mistake.

“Will you dance with me?”

And I can’t do anything but nod my head as he takes my hands in his and pulls me up off the bench and into his arms.

And this is perfection without the pretences, because right now, everything is perfect. I’m in his arms, dancing and feeling more alive than I’ve ever felt. Like I said, I’d take one perfect night in his arms and a million tomorrows filled with sorrow if it meant that I could have my moment of perfection…my moment of peace and happiness.

A/N. Found this is my ‘science revision’ folder, funny how there wasn’t any actual science in it…ahh well…

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