[SETTTING: MAINTENCE CLOSET THAT HAS BEEN TURNED INTO AN OFFICE]

BOSS:                         It’s not good enough, is it?

[CUT TO XANDER STANDING BACK A VERY DIRTY WINDOW]

XANDER:                   Done.

[CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE]

XANDER:                   No, sir.

BOSS:                         Tardiness,

[CUT TO XANDER BEING WOKEN UP BY A BEDSIDE ALARM THEN IGNORING IT]

[CUT TO A CLOCK SHOWING FIVE HOURS HAVE PASSED]

XANDER:                   Shit.

[CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE]

BOSS:                         Rudeness,

[CUT TO XANDER WASHING A WINDOW]

PERSON 1:                 Excuse me; do you know where the nearest toilet is?

XANDER:                   Fuck off.

[CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE]

BOSS:                         And the less said about that whole monkey incident the better.

[CUT TO XANDER GETTING A MUGSHOT]

[CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE]

BOSS:                         I think you know what I’m going to say next.

XANDER:                   Look Mr Tosser.

BOSS:                         That’s Trozzer!

XANDER:                   Sorry. Look Mr Trozzer I can explain and after I do I think you will agree that it is a little premature of you to fire me.

[CUT TO XANDER GETTING THROW OUT OF THE OFFICE]

BOSS:                         My mother was a saint! A saint I tell ya!

[DOOR IS SLAMMED VERY VIOLENTLY]

XANDER:                   Tosser.

BOSS:                         I heard that.

[FREEZE-FRAME ON XANDER]

V/O:                             This is Xander. He has just got fired. That happens a lot to him.

[CUT TO A SERIES OF CLIPS SHOWING BOSSES SAYING “YOU’RE FIRED”]

V/O:                             He lives alone in a flat somewhere in London. He used to live with his long time best friend but he recently sold his computer game for a million pounds.

[CUT TO THE ROOMMATE ROLLING AROUND IN MONEY]

V/O:                             Xander’s real life passion is comedy writing and he hopes one day to work for the BBC. 

[CUT TO A SERIES OF MEN WITH A PORTFOLIO IN THEIR HANDS SAYING “RUBBISH”]

V/O:                             It’s not going very well though. His miscellaneous facts are, he is obsessed with Monty Python,

[CUT TO XANDER’S ROOM SHOWING A STALKER-LIKE DEVOTION TO MONTY PYTHON AND

 IN PARTICULAR MICHAEL PALIN]

V/O:                             America,

[CUT TO A HOLIDAY SNAP OF XANDER IN NEW YORK ABOUT TO GET MUGGED]

V/O:                             And Julia, his next door neighbour.

[CUT TO XANDER LOOKING THROUGH HIS DOOR SPY-HOLE THEN HE OPENS THE DOOR TO

 FIND JULIA JUST EMERGING FROM HER FLAT]

V/O:                             Something is about to happen to Xander that will change his life forever.

[CUT TO XANDER WAITING FOR A LIFT]

[ENTER MIKE]

XANDER:                   Hey.

MIKE:                         Hello.

[FREEZE-FRAME]

V/O:                             Xander has just met Mike. Mike works for a big city bank; at least he did until about five minutes ago]

[FIVE MINUTES AGO]

[CUT TO A BIG OFFICE WITH A HUGE DESK]

BOSS 2:                      You’re fired.

MIKE:                         But why?

BOSS 2:                      The little matter of you costing this firm 87 million pounds in one day.

MIKE:                         Oh, yeah. I said I was sorry about that.

BOSS 2:                      It’s not up to me. It’s company policy.

MIKE:                         Don’t you make company policy?

BOSS 2:                      Yes. (LONG PAUSE) Well? What are you waiting for?

MIKE:                         Don’t I get to plea my case? Ask for leniency and invoke any possible favour I can?

BOSS 2:                      Normally yes but I’ve got a squash game in half an hour. So if you could clear out your stuff by five that would be great. Feel free to ask me for a reference, though I don’t see what good it would do at McDonald’s.

[CUT TO MIKE CLEARING OUT HIS DESK]

[ENTER SUSAN, THE SECRETARY]

SUSAN:                      Phone for you Mike. Hey, what you doing?

MIKE:                         Clearing out my desk.

SUSAN:                      Promoted?

MIKE:                         Fired.

SUSAN:                      Why?

MIKE:                         That whole thing about me losing 87 million pounds in one day.

SUSAN:                      That was a little forgetful. Didn’t you apologise? They usually let you off if you apologise.

MIKE:                         I did but apparently there is a new company policy.

SUSAN:                      Oh, yeah. The boss sent round a memo today about that.

MIKE:                         What did it say?

SUSAN:                      If you lose 87 million pounds in one day you will be fired no matter how sorry you are.

[A CO-WORKER RUNS PAST SHOUTING FOR JOY]

MIKE:                         Why is Johnston so happy?

SUSAN:                      He only lost 82 million.

MIKE:                         Jammy dodger.

SUSAN:                      No thanks, I’m on a diet. Don’t forget your call.

[EXIT SUSAN]

[MIKE PICKS UP HIS PHONE]

MIKE:                         Hello?

JENN:                          Did you lose 82 million pounds?

MIKE:                         Oh, hi honey. How are you? I’m fine by the way.

JENN:                          Did you lose 82 million pounds?

MIKE:                         No, course not.

JENN:                          Oh, thank God. I knew it couldn’t be true. Even you wouldn’t be that stupid.

MIKE:                         I lost 87 million pounds. (PAUSE) Hello? Honey? Are you still there? You didn’t bang your hand on the coffee table again, did you?

JENN:                          Your things will be on the lawn when you get back.

MIKE:                         You’re kicking me out?

JENN:                          I’m tired Michael. I’m tired of you always failing. I want to settle down. I want to start a family. But in order to do that I need a man I can rely on and that is never going to be you, is it? Goodbye.

F/X                              DIAL TONE

MIKE:                         Shit.

[CUT TO THE LIFT WITH MIKE AND XANDER JUST ENTERING IT]

XANDER:                   What floor?

MIKE:                         Ground floor, please.

[XANDER PRESSES THE BUTTON AND THE LIFT BEGINS TO MOVE. THEY STAND IN

 UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

XANDER:                   So, do you work here?

MIKE:                         I did.

XANDER:                   Fired?

MIKE:                         Yeah.

XANDER:                   Me too.

MIKE:                         Oh, what did you do?

XANDER:                   Dirt relocation.

MIKE:                         What?

XANDER:                   Cleaning.

MIKE:                         Oh.

XANDER:                   It’s not like that’s my real job. I’m a comedy writer.

MIKE:                         Looking for material?

XANDER:                   Something like that.

[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

MIKE:                         Is it me or have we not moved in quite a bit?

XANDER:                   Now that you mention it we don’t seem to be moving. Maybe we’re stuck. Trapped. Maybe they won’t be able to get us out. Ever. It’s not the lack of oxygen that kills you, you know? It’s the carbon dioxide. Do you feel that? I can feel it starting to build-up. Oh my God! We’re going to die!

MIKE:                         [CALM] Yes, thank you for that, but maybe we should call for assistance before we start to panic.

XANDER:                   Good idea.

[MIKE PICKS UP THE LIFT PHONE]

MIKE:                         Hello?

[CUT TO STEVE, THE ASSISTANCE GUY. DO THIS EVERY TIME STEVE TALKS]

STEVE:                        Hello, this is assistance. We are here to assist you. What form of assistance shall you be requiring?

MIKE:                         The kind that gets us out of a stuck lift.

STEVE:                        Do not worry, sir. I am fully qualified in this particularly field of assistance. I recently went on a course about it. I shall inform the fire service as to your situation and will attempt to calm you down. Calm down. Now could you tell me which lift you are currently incarnated in?

MIKE:                         How the hell should I know? The one that isn’t moving.

STEVE:                        Do you need me to calm you down again?

MIKE:                         No! Just call the fire brigade.

STEVE:                        I shall be just a minute, sir. Do not go getting hysterical in my absence.

MIKE:                         I’ll try.

[STEVE PHONES THE FIRE SERVICE]

[CUT TO A FIRE STATION WHERE THERE IS A BACHELOR PARTY IN PROCESS. STEVE’S

 CALL IS PICKED UP BY AN ANSWERING MACHINE]

MACHINE:                 Hello and thank you for calling the

GRUFF VOICE: [INSERT NAME OF LOCAL FIRE STATION]

MACHINE:                 fire station. We value your call. If you are reporting a fire in a grade one listed building please press one on your phone now. If you are reporting a fire in a property valued over 500,000 pounds please press two on your phone now.

[TWO MINUTES LATER]

MACHINE:                 If you know the owner of the cat stuck up the tree please press 87 on your phone now. If you are reporting a person stuck in a lift or are stuck in a lift yourself please press 88 on your phone now.

[STEVE PRESSES 88 ON HIS PHONE]

MACHINE:                 Thank you for selecting option number 88. Please leave your name, number and location of the lift after the tone and we will be there as soon as possible. The current estimated waiting time is

GRUFF VOICE: Two.

MACHINE:                 days. Thank you for using the fire fighter response system 3000 and have a nice day.

[CUT TO XANDER AND MIKE IN THE LIFT]

XANDER:                   So, how do you fancy in the Premiership this year.

MIKE:                         I don’t watch football.

XANDER:                   You what?

MIKE:                         I don’t watch football.

XANDER:                   How are you still alive?

MIKE:                         What? I don’t like football? What’s wrong with that? It’s just a bunch of men kicking a ball around.

XANDER:                   Just a bunch of men kicking a ball around? That is like saying Shakespeare is just a bunch of words put together or that Family Guy was just another cartoon. Football is the single greatest achievement in the entire history of our planet’s existence.

MIKE:                         What about the discovery of fire? The development of an alphabet? The invention of a computer?

XANDER:                   Football is better.

STEVE:                        Hello? Are you still there?

MIKE:                         Hello. Surprisingly enough we are still here. What took you so long?

STEVE:                        It’s the new phone system they’ve got. Didn’t you get the memo?

MIKE:                         Damn memos. So, when are they getting here?

STEVE:                        2 days.

MIKE:                         I’m sorry but I don’t think I quite caught that, the connection suddenly got very bad. Could you repeat it?

STEVE:                        Certainly. Two.

MIKE:                         And the last part.

STEVE:                        Days.

MIKE:                         Thank you. That’s what I thought you said. Excuse me for a moment.

[MIKE FAINTS]

F/X                              LOUD THUMP

[XANDER PICKS UP THE PHONE]

XANDER:                   Hello? What did you say to him?

STEVE:                        Nothing. I just said two days.

XANDER:                   Two days?

STEVE:                        Yeah. I said it would be two days until the fire service got here and then I heard a loud thump.

F/X                              LOUD THUMP

STEVE:                        Yeah, like that. Hello? Hello? How strange.

END OF PART ONE